“It’s Jeremy.”
“Oh, hey.” Alicia swung the door open and motioned for him to step inside. “You didn’t tell me you were coming.”
“Well, Sandy told me you were working on those demos so I figured I should give you a hand.”
“You’re so sweet,” Alicia said, flashing him a half-smile. The two of them stepped into her dimly-lit office and sat down across from each other. Alicia didn’t look too content with the demos.
“What d’you think of them so far?” he asked.
“Well, the first one wasn’t all that good.” She unplugged her headphones and pressed play on the track. Song verse after song verse blasted from the speakers.
“Make it stop,” Jeremy said, shaking his head from side to side.
“Alright, let’s try the next one.” It was a soft melody. “Sounds like it’s just instrumental.”
“It’s really good, though,” Jeremy said, crossing one leg over the other and moving his head to the beat of the music. “I think you should set it aside in the tolerable pile.”
“See, that’s the thing. I don’t want ‘tolerable,' I want extraordinary.” Alicia skipped to the next track.
“Wait, what is that? Sounds a bit like spray deodorant.”
“Too experimental, next.”
“Why won’t you just give those guys a chance?”
“Like I said … I want to hear something extraordinary.”
“Alicia, I’d like to remind you that we’re looking for talent, here. We’re not looking for producers, we’re looking for musicians.”
Alicia nodded and pressed play on the next track. Suddenly there was another knock at the door.
“Wait, I’ll get it,” Jeremy said, getting up. A few moments later he came back with Sandy and Logan, who barged into her office with smiles plastered to their faces.
“I heard there’s some decision making going on here?” Logan asked, placing his hands on his hips and staring straight at Alicia. She glanced up at him for a couple of seconds before she looked down again at her computer.
“We’re finally going through those demos, come join us,” she said. Logan pulled a chair and sat down next to her. Sandy was listening to some tracks with Jeremy, while Alicia sorted through the rest of them with Logan.
“So, how have you been?” he asked, his eyes fixated on hers.
“I’ve been … okay,” she lied. “Oh, God. The tracks are awful so far.”
“Wow, that’s discouraging.” Logan looked over and Sandy was already shaking her head to the beat of the music. “Looks like they’ve got the better artists.”
“Hey, Alicia,” Jeremy said, gesturing for her to join them. “Come listen to this.”
She shot up and joined the couple as they rocked it out to one of the songs. The faceless singer’s hum had a happiness, there was something carefree about the notes as they fell into the hypothetical air about her. Alicia imagined her sitting on a high stool, moving her head rhythmically, perhaps playing the ukulele. She smiled at the mere image of her. “She’s really good.”
“Didn’t I tell you? We were bound to find some great artists,” Jeremy said. He clasped his hands together and bit his lower lip. He was really enjoying this. Scouting for new artists was one of his favorite things to do. It used to be Alicia’s, too, until she became so dispirited that she didn’t feel like doing much at all.
“Hey, check this one out,” Logan said, pointing to one of the tracks. Jeremy played it and the next thing they knew they were dancing. Alicia kicked her leg forward with pointed toes and flexed calf muscles, while Logan pivoted in a goofy revolving whirl. “I swear, this is good,” he chuckled, his pearly teeth showing through his smile.
Jeremy raised an eyebrow at Alicia. “Alright, I get it. I was wrong,” she said, rolling her eyes. “There are pretty good artists on there.”
“Did you have any doubt?” Logan asked, flashing her a smirk.
“To be honest, yes. Yes, I did.”
“Alright, well, the easy part is over. Now comes the hard part,” Jeremy said, rolling back in his chair. “Out of every five artists, we need to pick only one to sign with.”
“I say we go with, um, what was the name of the guy we just listened to? Oh, Rafik. I say we go with Rafik,” Logan said.
“To be honest, I think his music sounds great and everything but it doesn’t really match our image,” Alicia said, her eyes darting from Logan, to Jeremy, and then to Logan again.
“I agree with Alicia,” Jeremy said, taking his cap off and then putting it back on again. He scrolled through the names of the artists until he stopped at one of them. “Alicia, check this out,” he said. “Remember Margaret Miller?”
“Margaret Miller?” She squinted at the screen before playing her track. “Oh my God,” she said. “Isn’t that the girl that tried to get past security?”
Jeremy chuckled. “Yeah. We weren’t hiring at the time so she never got to play for us.”
“She’s actually really good,” Logan said, nodding approvingly. Alicia almost lost herself in the girl’s voice. It was smooth and clear and quiet yet powerful. Soothing, in a way. Swells of power rose up in her throat; Alicia kicked herself for not letting her into the studio that day.
“Damn,” she said.
“I don’t know why I find her voice too thick,” Sandy said.
“Oh, God. We’re never going to agree on anything,” Logan moaned. “Where’s Gabriella? It would’ve been way easier if she were here.”
Alicia felt a weight being dropped to her chest. She couldn’t bear to hear Gabriella’s name. Jeremy nudged her with his elbow, but she just sat there like a statue. Her eyes were fixated on the floor, as if caught under a spell. Logan and Sandy exchanged brief glances before Logan made a beeline for the water dispenser. Alicia’s hands were clasped in her lap; she wouldn’t utter a word. Finally, she withdrew behind her desk and started scrolling through her work. “I don’t feel so good,” she said, rising to her feet.
“Hey, are you okay?” Logan asked, getting up as well.
“No, no. Stay. I just need to get some air.” Moments later Alicia was out on the yard. The soft wind caressed her face; she closed her eyes and gulped in the air as it came to her.
“Alicia, Alicia?” Jeremy said, running across the yard. “Sorry about what happened in there. Logan doesn’t really know what he’s talking about.”
“No, that’s okay,” she said, looking up at the sky. She wondered where Gabriella was right now. “You know sometimes I take comfort in the fact that, no matter where we are, we’ll always stare at the same stars at night.”
“Oh, come on, Alicia. Just text her. See how she is. She did visit you, didn’t she? The ball’s in your court.”
“It’s not about that,” Alicia said, sighing. “It’s just very hard to accept that we’re not together anymore. I don’t know how to deal with it, Jeremy.”
“Hey, it’s not like she disappeared from your life. She still talks to you, and you still talk to her. And if you want her back in your life, you’ll fight for it.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just that she’s with her family right now.” Alicia looked up at the pitch black curtain draped over the sky, and the twisted, warped shapes that the stars made against the blackness. The milky speckles twirled and danced along the sky in various patterns; Alicia couldn’t help but wonder if she and Gabriella shared the same view.
“How d’you think her father reacted to her showing up after all those years?” Jeremy asked, trying to pull Alicia from her trance.
“Oh, God. I don’t even want to know,” she said. “If he wasn’t dying he probably would’ve killed her.”
“D’you think so?”
“I know so.”
Jeremy let out a sigh and sat down on the grass. It was a bit dewy, a bit sticky, but he didn’t care. “You know what I think? I think her mother’s going to act as the mediator in all o
f this.”
“I really doubt it.”
“You wanna bet? Next time you call her, see if she mentions her mother. I’m pretty sure she will.”
“She’ll probably mention it in the context of ‘oh, my mom decided to disown me after she found out I dated women.’”
“See, that’s where you’re wrong,” Jeremy said, trying to suppress a smile. “It’s her dad she was worried about more than anything.”
“Well, if her mother has her back, then good for her,” Alicia said. The grass grew rough and shaggy like uncombed hair, coarse, blue-green, long and unkempt, meadow grass waving and rustling in the breeze. Alicia lay back and closed her eyes. She sucked in the air as if nothing had ever been so sweet. “Then good for her.”
“Hey, that doesn’t give you the excuse to walk out on her,” Jeremy said, clasping his hands behind his head. “She needs you now more than ever.”
“Her dad’s a huge homophobe, I’m pretty sure me calling her would cause more harm than good.”
“That is true, but how would they know it’s you?”
“Maybe her dad listens in on her phone calls?”
“Her dad is dying.”
Alicia shook her head and rolled over to her side. Suddenly the air felt heavy and humid. It felt thick as she breathed it in, coating the inside of her throat. “Hey, if you were gay, how d’you think your parents would have reacted?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“I’m serious.”
“They probably would’ve admitted me to some kind of psychiatric ward. Mind you, my parents are pretty old.” There was silence. “Now, Alicia, what are you gonna do?”
“Nothing, absolutely nothing.”
“How many times has Gabriella been there for you?” he asked. “You owe her.”
“But we’re not together anymore,” Alicia said. The wind was blowing in every direction, she couldn't see because of her hair getting in her face no matter how many times she brushed it away. The trees were veiled in the lightest of mists, their trunks sombre brown with sable cracks that gnarled the bark.
“But she’s still your friend, and no one ever said what’s broken can’t be fixed.” Jeremy looked at her, his eyes resembling a pair of black holes in the night. “Stop acting like a shrew and go be with her.”
“I can’t leave now, with all that’s going on,” Alicia said, getting up and dusting herself off. At that point the air was so humid that the moisture seemed to cling to her clothes as she walked.
“What are you so scared of?”
“Those artists aren’t going to hire themselves.”
“You know we’ll take care of the label for you. Just go,” he said, staring up at her. She tried to force a smile but couldn’t. Her cheeks fought to fall down, and Alicia found herself unable to speak. All she could do was think of Gabriella, what she must be going through right now. What if her parents kicked her out? What if her dad died? What if this was all one big trap to lure her back to her hometown?
“I don’t know,” she said finally. “But right now my head is buzzing with thoughts.”
“You know what, just take your time to think about it,” Jeremy said, rising to his feet. “There’s no pressure to do anything, but just keep me in the loop, okay?”
“Okay,” Alicia said, nodding. “D’you want to go back inside?”
“There they are,” Jeremy said, pointing in Sandy and Logan’s direction. They hovered around in the dark like ghosts, and when their eyes landed on Alicia, they ran straight to her.
“Hey, are you okay?” Logan asked, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“No, that’s okay,” Alicia said, smiling weakly.
“Well, how about we all go back inside and get shit done?” Jeremy said.
“You guys go ahead, I’ll meet you in there in five minutes.”
The trio nodded in unison and then walked away. Alicia was left alone outside, alone to her thoughts. In her head she kept replaying Jeremy’s words, over and over again. No one ever said what’s broken can’t be fixed. Alicia wondered if there was some truth to those cliche sayings. Her parents’ marriage was ‘broken,’ did that ever get fixed? Did Gabriella’s relationship with her dad ever get fixed? Some things are just damaged beyond repair.
Alicia felt like a coward. The very thought of driving up there made her skin crawl. “Okay, I’m gonna do this,” she said to herself. Only one person was going to help her decide. She dialed her dad’s number and waited.
“Hello, darlin’.”
“Hey, dad. Are you free tomorrow morning? I need to talk to you.”
***
“Hey, want me to make you some coffee?” Alicia asked, peering over her shoulder.
“No, come over here,” her dad said, reaching his hand out to her. The house was so quiet that the kettle noise sounded more like a bird shrieking. “What did you want to talk to me about?” Alicia turned around and looked at him. “You’re holding back on something, I can tell that you are.”
“I’m not holding back … I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I need your help.”
“I’m all ears.”
“Gabriella needs me right now, she’s at her parents’ house. And I’m scared to go over there, because what if her parents kick me out?”
Mr. Harper’s lips broke into a smile. “You sound like you’re sixteen.”
“You do realize they are homophobic, right?”
Mr. Harper leaned in and looked Alicia in the eyes. “When I was in high school, my best friend was gay,” he whispered hoarsely. “At the time, people were way less accepting of the idea than they are now.” He rolled up his sleeves and folded both arms across his belly. “So he would talk to me about it, tell me he wants to meet his boyfriend’s parents. I always used to tell him it was a bad idea, because what if his parents kick him out?”
“Getting kicked out was probably the least of his problems though.”
“See, that way of thinking is going to ruin everything,” Mr. Harper croaked. “You know, whenever he would come to me for advice I’d talk him out of it, and I kept talking him out of it until his boyfriend broke up with him. Do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because he didn’t care enough to put himself out there for him.”
Alicia let out a sigh. “But this isn’t just about me, it’s about her, too. What if I get her in trouble?”
“Well, didn’t you think of that before you outed her on international radio?”
There was a pause. The silence lingered in the air like stale breath. The truth was, Alicia didn’t know what to think. “Maybe I’m just making up excuses not to go,” she said finally.
“You are because you think she doesn’t want you to be there. But Alicia, you said Gabriella needs you right now.”
“I’m gonna go over there. I’m just scared that if I make the decision to book a hotel and sleep in an empty bed knowing that she’s only a ten-minute walk away from me, it’s going to hit me that we’re not together anymore.”
Mr. Harper smiled again. “Maybe when it finally hits you, you’ll do something about it.”
CHAPTER 10
Gabriella’s eyes shot open. She felt around the bed for Alicia, but didn’t find her. Waking up every morning felt like a burden, because for a good one or two seconds, she remembered nothing. Her memory was completely blank; only one thing was true, her relationship with Alicia. But even that boiled down to nothing, and there remained only her sick, homophobic father, and her empty bed. Last night was absolute hell. She had spent the whole of it in her room, floating between a state of sleep and wakefulness. But even her sleep was shallow, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t run away from the nightmares. Her consciousness swirled around in them, oblivious of the physical world. She just remembered her heart thumping in accordance with quick, shallow breaths. Be
ads of sweat were rolling down her forehead. Her whole body was quivering.
In her dreams she saw her father lying in his bed, surrounded by darkness. Her mother and sister just stood there next to him, holding trays in their hands and staring at Gabriella. The whole scene resembled a Renaissance painting, with the king on his deathbed and his family circled around him. Except Gabriella wasn’t standing there next to him, she was leaning against the door, watching him slip away. She couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he was grumbling under his breath, his eyes following things that weren’t there. For a second, Gabriella thought she felt sorry for him, but then his eyes met hers. He squinted at her above the rim of his glasses, and when he realized she wasn’t just some stranger standing at the foot of his bed, he started yelling.
It was like nothing Gabriella had ever experienced before, like an amplified version of their first encounter. In her dreams, her dad appeared to be much scarier, despite being bed-bound. His feet stuck out the end of his bed, but they were dirty and big, like a Sasquatch. He scratched his belly and coughed often; Gabriella wondered how sick he really was. Without hesitating, she ran out of the room, and that was when she woke up. Her eyes lazily rolled open, glazed over with the remnants of her dreams, or nightmares. She really didn’t want to go back out there. The last thing she wanted was to run into her dad in the hallway, or, God forbid, have to speak with him. She thought about taking the next train home, but then decided against it. Something was still keeping her there, perhaps a flicker of hope that she and her dad would soon reconcile. But whenever she thought about his reaction when he first saw her, that hope dissipated.
Just For You: A lesbian romance (Play Me a Song Book 3) Page 7
