Don't Shoot The Harbinger

by Ryan Green

  “Fine, I'll go. But if we run into any of your ex boyfriends or a group of your friends you’re not going to bail on me or something are you?”

  “I might, I can’t promise that.” You tell me with a straight face so that I can’t tell if you’re joking.

  I stare at you until you start to smile a little bit.

  “No, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “Can we see the zoo first? Honestly, it's been the one thing I’ve really wanted to see in this city since I moved here.”

  “Then why haven’t you gone yet?”

  “I didn’t want to just go alone.”

  “You are something else Blaine, I go and do stuff on my own all the time.”

  “Well you are a lot more comfortable by yourself in this city than me I guess.”

  “The zoo is a few miles away. Do you want to get an Uber or something?” You ask me.

  “Sure. But I don’t have the app on my phone, do you?”

  “How do you get around the city if you don’t use Uber?”

  “The bus mostly I guess, or I just use my bike.”

  “You must waste a lot of time because it takes forever to get anywhere on the bus. I’ll get the uber, don't worry.”

  The uber arrived and pulled up on the street next to us.

  The driver got out of his Silver Honda SUV, “Hello are you Morgan?” he asked us.

  “Umm, my name is Megan.” you snarkily responded to him.

  “The Uber driver checks his phone again. “I’m so sorry, yes, it says Megan.” He opened the driver side rear door for Megan. “Are you coming too Blaine?”

  I started to walk around the back side of the SUV. “Wait, how did you know my name?” I asked the driver.

  “Your girlfriend just said it out loud buddy” he says to me.

  “Oh yeah, that makes sense I guess.” I walked around the back side of the SUV and got into the back next to you.

  The short car ride there you and the driver were having an awkward small talk conversation about the Taste of Tacoma festival. The driver was upset that he couldn't make it but the money had been great all day for traffic to the event.

  “We’re actually going to the zoo first then heading over to the event.” you tell the driver.

  “Ahh well you both have fun today. Don’t drink too much and be safe.”

  We pull up in front of the zoo at the designated drop off area and we both get out and meet on the curb.

  The driver rolls his passenger window down and says “Be sure to rate me 5 starts please” then speeds off.

  “What did the app say his name was?” I ask you.

  “Umm hold on.” You pulled your phone out of your purse “It says his name is Shawn, how come?”

  “He knew my name. I know for a fact you never said my name out loud while he was around. How would he know my name?”

  “Maybe I accidentally listed your name on the pickup details or something, I’m not sure. Did he look familiar to you? Have you ever seen him anywhere else?”

  “No, no nothing like that. It was just strange that he knew my name.”

  “Well, let's not let that ruin our day Blaine. We’re here! The zoo! Let’s go in!”

  We go into the zoo and you grab a map off of a kiosk sitting just beyond the entrance. You look at it for a few minutes before deciding the path to take to see everything we can in as little time as possible.

  “Since we’re kind of in a little bit of a rush, follow me, I’ll make sure we see all of the best animals and exhibits so we have a good amount of time for the festival.”

  “That’s fine.”

  “What do you mean? What’s wrong, Blaine. Are you still mad about that Uber driver?”

  “No, just, don’t worry about it. Let’s have fun, I don’t want to rush through here and not really get to experience everything here with you.”

  “Blaine, we could just sit in a park bench the rest of the day not really doing anything and I would be happy as long as I was able to do it with you”

  I look over at you and I gaze into your eyes and I can’t believe you are returning these feelings that I am feeling so strongly for you. I had never felt like this about a woman and I know that no one had ever felt this toward me.

  You grab my hand.

  “Blaine, can I ask you something?”

  “Yeah sure.”

  You walk to a park bench a few feet away and we both sit down.

  “Do you see that girl over there?” You point to a girl standing nearby drinking from a water fountain.

  “Yes, why?”

  “Do you like what she is wearing?” you ask me.

  I scan the girl up and down.

  “It’s fine I guess. It’s just a normal top and some leggings.”

  “How do you feel about that weird pattern she has on her mumble pants? Do you think it’s supposed to be ironic that she wore leopard print to the zoo? Or do you think she did it on purpose?” you asked me.

  “Wait, what the hell are mumble pants?”

  “Mumble pants, you’ve never heard them called that?”

  “Absolutely not. Why the hell would they be called that?”

  “All kinds of girls refer to them as mumble pants Blaine. You really need to get out more.”

  “Well that doesn’t really help. Why do you or they or all of you call them ‘mumble pants’?” Blaine asks with the most sincere level of ignorance and intrigue.

  “There she’s facing us. Now look closely. See if you can figure it out.”

  “Does it have anything to do with the pattern on them because it’s an animal print?”

  “No they could be solid black, it wouldn’t matter.”

  “Umm is it like a lazy pants kind of thing? Like they could be pajamas or something but girls wear them formally or just instead of pants?”

  “That makes no sense, you’re just saying anything at this point.”

  “I have no idea Megan. I don’t even want to guess anymore, I just sound dumb.”

  “Look really closely at her crotch, Blaine. Do you notice anything?”

  “Umm do you mean like a camel toe or something?”

  “You’re getting warmer.”

  “I really have no idea what camel toe and mumbling has to do with each other.” I exclaimed loudly.

  The girl in the cheetah print leggings looked intently at us and walked away.

  “It’s really pretty simple. Mumble pants, you can see her lips moving, but you can’t make out what they’re saying..”

  I stared at you until you stood up and you grabbed me by the hand and pulled me up from the bench.

  “The Asian Forest Sanctuary exhibit is this way Blaine. Do you want to look at the map so you can get an idea of what animals are in each exhibit?”

  “No, it’s okay, I trust you’ll give me a good tour.”

  You smiled at me “The Asian Forest Sanctuary is probably my second favorite part of this zoo. It has a tiger, it has a leopard and it’s where the elephants are. I think this is probably the part of the zoo that gets the busiest because not a lot of places have tigers and leopards.”

  “You sure are one well educated tour guide for a zoo that you don’t work out.”

  “I’ve been coming here ever since I was little so I know this place inside and out.

  You and I enter the exhibit area and the first animal exhibit we come across is the Elephants. There are large mounds of dirt, big rocks and large puddles of standing water everywhere. The elephants are behind a wire fence a few feet away from where the crowds can stand.

  “You’d think it would smell a lot worse around this area considering the amount of elephants and the size of their dumps” Blaine blurts out loud and everyone around them looks at him.

  “Yeah they do a pretty good job of keeping all of the areas fairly clean.”

  We are standing in front of the exhibit when an elephant walks over to a pool of water. The elephant scoops up a large amount of water in its trunk and sprays
it at me.

  “It must have heard you , Blaine.” you said as you are laughing at me.

  “Can we see the next animal?”

  We came across the Clouded Leopard exhibit. There is a large netted area behind glass covered on tree branches and foliage.

  “I don’t see anything” I tell you.

  “I’m not sure. Last time I was here there was a Mother and a few babies. Maybe the weather isn’t right? I’m not sure what kind of weather they prefer but it is kind of warm. They’re probably in their little cave area keeping cool.”

  “That sucks, I hope the Tigers aren’t doing the same.”

  We walk to the Tiger exhibit and there is a large grass fielded area with a ledge overlooking a large man made pond. The tigers are playing with each other on the ledge jumping up and down and splashing through the water.

  “Now this is what I wanted to see!” I yelled “Finally some animals are playing with each other!”

  “You are really excited about this zoo huh?” you asked me.

  “Yeah. I guess animals are just the one thing I’ve always been able to relate to. I never had a lot of friends growing up like I mentioned earlier so I would go to zoos and aquariums a lot for fun.”

  “That is sort of sad, and it’s sort of lame” you said to me as you kiss me on the cheek to make sure that I know you’re being playful.

  “Next up is the Penguins Blaine!” you yelled at me.

  “They’re all kind of socially awkward like you, walking around and throwing rocks at each other and pushing each other over and what not.”

  “I have always sort of related to penguins so I guess that makes sense.” I explain to you.

  “I really can see it, they are easy to relate to. Do you know what my favorite thing about penguins is Blaine?”

  “That they are monogamous? That they pick a partner and they will mate for life with them? That they will give their partner a rock to symbolize their love and they pair off for eternity?”

  “Well, no, I read that was actually not true.”

  “I was going to say that to you once you said ‘yeah’.”

  “My favorite part about penguins is when they slide on their stomachs across ice and stuff, that is hilarious.” you tell me.

  “Blaine there are still a few more exhibits here but because we saw your favorite animals do you mind if we jump ahead and see mine? We can always come back on another day and really take our time. I just”

  I cut you off.

  “Absolutely. I’m glad that you were willing to compromise and let me see this much of the zoo. What is your favorite part?”

  “Follow me.”

  You begin to lead me into an area called “The Red Wolf Woods.”

  As soon as we enter the exhibit you run up to the glass “Look there is a litter of puppies! Blaine come look!”

  I run to the glass not trailing far behind you.

  “Oh Wow! I had no idea that there was a Wolf exhibit here!”

  “They’re not just any wolves, they’re Red Wolves. They are critically endangered and we are lucky enough to be looking at some of the very last ones in the world. These puppies are so important, they could literally be the last hope to bring back their species from the brink of extinction”

  “If there is one thing I have learned about you today Megan it’s that you really have a penchant for favoring things with a really bleak and daunting future.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “The point is the sound you liked because the volcano could kill everyone, the wolves you like because they are almost all extinct. You just really seem to like things that hint towards disaster.”

  “That is a really shitty and pessimistic way to look at it. Maybe I like those things because it makes me realize how special and fragile life is. Maybe I like those things because it makes me think about how lucky I am to be able to wake up in the morning and go to a coffee house and meet a new friend and tour the city and go to the zoo. Maybe I am just happy to be alive and enjoy every second of my life without having to overanalyze it and examine it under some microscope of shit where I just think everything and everyone is horrible.”

  “No, no that’s not what I mean, I’m sorry.”

  “I can’t believe you are going to try and ruin the wolves for me. I didn’t ruin the penguins for you. I didn’t complain about how much the exhibit smelled like penguin shit. I didn’t talk about how all of the penguins in the world are going to be dead soon because of global warming and the only ones we’ll be able to look at are in stupid zoos around the world. I didn’t make fun of you because they are stupid animals who just waddle around and drown and they are like the only bird who can’t swim because they’re so dumb and fat.”

  “No. You did not say anything like that. I’m sorry I brought it up. Can we please just go to the food fair thing now? I’m just sort of over the zoo at this point?”

  “Just give me a few minutes to sit here with the wolves in silence and we can go.”

  I found a bench a few feet away from you and the exhibit and I sat back and watched you as you looked at the wolves.

  I noticed the expressions on your face, happy, smiling, sad, frowning, laughing, you seemed to experience every emotion possible watching the wolf pups play with each other. Their Mother comes to check in on the pups and they all begin playing with her and she starts to chase them all around and your face lit up.

  You turned around and you looked at me and asked “what is bleak about that? That looks like the most fun in the world. They have no idea they are the last of their kind and they are just so carefree and fun and loving. We need to live our lives more like that.”

  You walked toward me and then right past me and out of the exhibit.

  “We can go now” you said as you passed right by me.

  Chapter Four

  We were walking a few feet apart for several minutes through the zoo and out of the exit until we got to the entrance of Taste of Tacoma.

  “Can we please just pretend that I didn’t criticize you like that?” I asked you.

  “No. It was important that you told me that has been your impression of me so far. First impressions are very important.”

  “I don’t think that’s my first impression of you, that is just me being negative and me interpreting things about you in a negative way.”

  “Well my first impression of you is that you are scared. You are scared, you are lonely, you are unsure of yourself and you are unwelcoming. Yet, I ignored all of that and I set out to give you the best day of your life and show you around the city. I wanted to relate to you, open up to you and show you who I am. I can’t help it if you don't like what I have shown you of myself.”

  “It’s nothing like that Megan. I like you, I absolutely do, I was just trying to be funny or something, I don’t know what I was doing. I just, I am not good at this kind of interaction. Can I tell you a story?”

  “Sure, go ahead,” Megan says to Blaine.

  “My parents bought me my first personal computer when I was ten years old, up to that point my family shared a computer in the den that had a really old and shitty dial up internet and was extremely slow. I could really only play games like solitaire and use the word processor but that didn’t curb my interest and

  enthusiasm.

  Because of the fact that I had always displayed an interest in electronics and video games, my parents decided they would buy me a personal computer for my bedroom. They even went as far as to get me my own dedicated DSL line for it.

  I don’t know if you remember all the specifics of everything then but that was a big deal and those things weren’t exactly cheap back in the early two thousands.

  When I finally received my first computer I couldn’t wait to take it apart and see how it worked. I couldn’t wait to browse the internet and learn all about advanced coding, HTML and JavaScript.

  I didn’t have a lot of friends as a child but it was easy for me to make friends on the internet.
I could login to a chatroom and talk about some of my interests and within minutes there would be dozens of people wanting to talk to me.