The Adventures of a Wimpy Superhero

by Tim Collins

  Vercetti’s men were here too, which proved Amazagirl had betrayed us. It had to be her. No one else could possibly have known where Dan’s secret base was and that we were using replica guns.

  I’m back home now and sick with worry. What should I do?

  UPDATE

  It’s 6 a.m. and I’ve decided to go and see Amazagirl. Or as I should say, Amy Gibson. For once, I was glad she never made any effort to keep her identity secret.

  I’m convinced she’s the traitor and I’m worried she’ll try and attack. But I’m sure she’ll see the error of her ways when she finds her parents have been kidnapped and are probably being tortured right now.

  No doubt she’ll realize how foolish her disloyalty was, beg for my forgiveness and agree to come on a rescue mission with me.

  ANOTHER UPDATE

  I’ve just returned from Amy’s house and I’ve come to the conclusion that she isn’t the traitor after all. I’ve realized that the traitor was ... er ... me.

  Amy’s eyes looked really red when she opened the door. She’d clearly had a sleepless night too. she started crying when I told her that her parents had been kidnapped, but insisted she hadn’t contacted Vercetti’s men.

  ‘I haven’t spoken a word to anyone about the League,’ she said. ‘I think it’s a really stupid hobby, but I would never put Mum and Dad in danger by tipping off criminals. You must have betrayed them. There’s no one else who could have done it.’

  ‘I’d never tell a criminal about our secret activities,’ I said. ‘I’d never tell anyone at all, in fact.’

  I thought about this for a moment and a horrible thought struck me. There was someone I’d shared our secrets with. Someone who was really terrible at keeping them. Uh-oh.

  I tried to run through what I’d told Henry. I’d mentioned we were planning a raid on the house. Had I mentioned we were using replica guns? Had I told him where Dan’s base was? Sadly, I’d told him everything.

  But how could Henry be a spy? Spies are meant to keep secrets, not run around shouting them at the top of their voices.

  As if Henry could have met some genuine criminals and, more importantly, resisted the urge to brag about it. It’s hard enough to shut him up about his imaginary friends.

  Maybe he’s really a calm, level-headed boy with a firm grasp on reality. I don’t know what to believe any more.

  I’m going to wait outside the school and confront him as soon as he turns up. I haven’t been this angry with him since he filled in the crossword in my Ratman annual.

  ANOTHER UPDATE

  Henry looked genuinely confused when I accused him of being a spy. For a moment I wondered if I was really on the right track after all. Then I remembered his rival superhero league.

  ‘Could you describe the other members to me?’ I asked.

  ‘Of course,’ said Henry. ‘There’s Captain Laser, who can fire lasers out of his eyes, Timewave, who can pause time, Terry Kinesis, who can move objects with his mind ...’

  ‘And you’ve seen them do this, have you?’

  ‘No,’ said Henry. ‘But they told me about it.’

  ‘What did they actually look like when you saw them?’ I asked.

  ‘Terry Kinesis is small with a large nose and black hair,’ said Henry. ‘Captain Laser is bald with a scar down his cheek. And Timewave is tall with blond hair.’

  It didn’t take me long to work out what had happened.

  When Vercetti began to get reports about costumed vigilantes meddling with his crimes, he sent his henchmen to look for them. All they managed to find was Henry, leaping around the cinema car park in his Ninja Kid costume, and brought him back to their boss.

  It soon became obvious to Vercetti that Henry was not a sophisticated vigilante, but an excitable boy without much grip on reality. Yet he had a link with the genuine vigilantes through me, so Vercetti strung him along with the notion of a rival crime-fighting league.

  Henry passed on all the information I leaked to him, which just goes to show you can’t be too careful what you say, even in school grounds.

  The whole incident with the ATM bomb was designed to lure us into the trap at Vercetti’s hideout. His technical advisor even programmed the clock to stop at 3.14 seconds as a joke at Pi’s expense.

  I feel bad I leaked the information and Henry feels bad about passing it on to a bunch of criminals he thought were his friends. We’ve both let everyone down and need to find a way to make amends.

  ANOTHER UPDATE

  As temporary leader of the League, I need to work out what to do. I can’t return to our base, because it’s been infiltrated by the enemy. And I’m way past the point where I can get the police involved. Perhaps if they’d gone for the searchlight plan a couple of months ago we’d be working side by side now, but they made their decision.

  What would Ratman do?

  In issue 323, Crossword clue breaks Ratman’s back and throws him into a prison at the bottom of a well that no one has ever escaped from. But even in these desperate circumstances, he doesn’t give up. He fixes his back by making a sling out of a bed sheet and constructs a brand new Ratcopter using the metal frame of his bed.

  Ratman made the best of his poor resources and I’ve got to do the same. I’m going to reform the League using the only superheroes I have left. Sadly, that means I’m going to have to ask Henry to join.

  ANOTHER UPDATE

  I called Amy at lunch and told her I’m forming a new version of the League with an additional member and that we needed to meet at her house. She asked if this new member was a complete idiot. I didn’t want her to feel negative about our chances of rescuing the others, so I said he wasn’t. She’s not going to be pleased when she finds out.

  Henry was overjoyed about joining. He ran around the playing field shouting, ‘Ninja Kid revenge’ and it took me ages to calm him down. I said he couldn’t join unless he proved he could be serious, so he put on a solemn expression. But I could tell he was still really excited, because he spent all afternoon drawing pictures of The Ninja Kid beating up criminals.

  ANOTHER UPDATE

  This evening we had the first meeting of the League Mark II. We gathered in Amy’s front room, which was full of the porcelain animal figurines her parents collect. It took ages to get Henry to stop playing with them and tell us everything he could remember about Vercetti’s hideout.

  He says that Vercetti spends most of his time in his office, which is at the back of the house and contains a bank of CCTV screens. His bodyguards hang out in the room to the left of the front door. There are several empty rooms upstairs, and he reckons this is where they’ll be holding the prisoners.

  Henry’s been trying to get Vercetti to hold another meeting of their supposed league for ages, but he keeps saying he’s too busy.

  If Henry turns up at Vercetti’s house, demands a meeting, and shares his brilliant idea about what their league should do next, they will have no choice but to let him in and talk him out of it. This will draw Vercetti’s guards into the office and leave the front of the house unguarded. He’ll position himself in front of the CCTV screens and deliver his ridiculous new vision for the league.

  While he’s doing this, we’ll sneak into the house, go upstairs and set everyone free.

  I think this is a good plan because it lets everyone play to their strengths: in my case, being an amazing superhero; in Henry’s case, spouting nonsense.

  There’s no time to lose, so we’re going to cycle down to Vercetti’s house tonight.

  IN CASE I AM DEAD

  I am just about to set off on a very dangerous rescue mission and am writing this in case I die and my secret diary is discovered.

  As you can tell, I lost my life in the fight against crime. I tried to make the world a better place and I regret nothing. Unless I died because of something stupid Henry did, in which case I regret inviting him.

  Please respect my final wishes:

  DO NOT throw away my comic collection. It’s highly val
uable and deserves to end up in the hands of a serious collector. Please sell it to a proper comic shop and use the proceeds to build a statue of The Loner in the town centre.

  If someone wants to assume the mantel of The Loner after I’m gone, I’m fine with that. I’m well aware that Jennings Melman took over as Ratman after Crossword Clue killed Chip Browning in issue 432. Just make sure they’re doing it because they really hate crime rather than for the glory.

  If Henry is still alive, he must read out the following statements at my funeral:

  If a film version of my life is to be made, a serious director like Crispin Canterbury must be behind it. I want to be shown as a moody and serious character played by an award-winning actor, not an annoying skateboarder with a talking dog sidekick.

  WEDNESDAY 16TH MARCH

  Henry insisted on wearing his underpants over his costume on our rescue mission, as he said it made him feel more like Astonishingboy.

  Not that Astonishingboy actually wears underpants over his suit, of course. He has red shorts integrated into his costume because he was modelled on a circus strongman. And even if he did wear underpants on top of his costume, he wouldn’t choose baggy boxer shorts with holes in the back like Henry did.

  It took us ages to cycle to Vercetti’s house. I’d forgotten how far it was because I’ve only been by car before. We were all so tired by the time we arrived we had to stop at the end of the lane for a while to get our energy back. Even Henry was too tired to run around, so he lay on the grass and shouted, ‘Ninja Kid revenge’.

  We tied our bikes to a streetlight and made our way down the lane. Amazagirl and I crouched behind a wall while Henry strode ahead and buzzed the intercom.

  ‘Hello?’ asked a deep voice.

  ‘It’s me’ said Henry. ‘The Ninja Kid. I’ve come for a meeting of the League of Awesome Crusaders.’

  ‘We’re busy,’ said the voice. ‘Go home and we’ll call you.’

  ‘I need to see Terry Kinesis,’ said Henry. ‘I’ve had an idea about what the League should be doing and I think he’ll want to hear about it.’

  ‘He’s not in,’ said the voice.

  ‘My idea is that we should work more closely with the police,’ said Henry. ‘Isn’t that fabulous? I’ll invite them round here for a meeting so we can discuss the best ways to fight crime together.’

  There was an angry murmur on the other end of the intercom, then a short buzz and the gate swung open.

  Henry wandered in. I rushed forward and shoved a rock into the gap so it wouldn’t close fully.

  We waited for a couple of minutes and crept up to the gate. Amazagirl squeezed herself through the gap and I followed. When I was halfway through, I felt a tugging around my neck. I turned to see that my cape had impaled itself on one of the spikes. I tried to untangle it, but it was held fast.

  ‘Get rid of it!’ hissed Amazagirl.

  I ripped open the Velcro attachment and followed her down the drive. I felt much less like a superhero without my cape flapping behind me, but I suppose it was more practical.

  I sometimes wonder why so many superheroes still bother with capes. Over the years, Ratman’s cape has been snagged on cars, trains and the giant hands of skyscraper clocks. He’ll never be stuck for a picnic blanket, but it’s a high price to pay.

  We sneaked up to the front door and pushed it open. Inside was a wide hallway with a flight of stairs to the right. The walls and carpet were red, the bannisters were gold and there were marble statues of cherubs on plinths and in niches. It seemed a shame that someone had bothered to amass so much wealth just to spend it on horrible stuff.

  We sneaked upstairs, treading softly on the thick carpet. There was a landing halfway up the stairs with a stuffed hyena on. Where did Vercetti even buy this stuff? Is there a chain of tacky furniture shops for rich criminals?

  From the back office, I could hear Henry saying, ‘I’ve designed a special light we can shine in the sky to contact the police commissioner.’

  ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ Vercetti was saying. ‘And I’m really busy right now.’

  Upstairs was another long corridor with six doors. I tried one on the left. Inside was a room that smelled of aftershave with mirrored ceilings, a four-poster bed and some discarded leopard-print underpants.

  I tried a door on the right. Inside was a jacuzzi shaped like a shell surrounded by gold drapes and champagne flutes.

  It made me angry that Vercetti would steal money from innocent citizens to fund his dreadful taste, and that only sharpened my resolve to bring him to justice.

  ‘Over here,’ whispered Amazagirl. She rushed into a room at the far end of the corridor and I followed.

  Dan, Pi, Doctor Infinity, Mr Amazing and Mrs Amazing were tied to chairs in the middle of the room. Their arms were bound with thick rope and they had strips of duct tape covering their mouths.

  Amazagirl pressed her finger to her lips and circled round them before starting to untie her mum’s ropes. I dashed round to the other end of the chairs and tried untying Dan’s ropes, but it was really difficult.

  Amazagirl worked her way down the line really quickly, shoved me out the way and undid Dan’s ropes too. Then she went back and whipped the duct tape away from their mouths one by one. I stared at the others with my finger pressed to my lips as she did so. They mouthed cries of pain and wiped tears from their eyes, but none of them made a sound.

  Mr Amazing looked like he was about to say something, but Amazagirl shook her head. Quite right, too. This wasn’t the time for him to start moaning about the standards of hospitality during his kidnapping.

  I stepped out into the hallway and the others followed. I nearly knocked over the stuffed hyena on the way downstairs, but Dan rushed forward and caught it.

  We were almost at the bottom when Henry rushed out of Vercetti’s office. He was wincing slightly.

  ‘I think I might have moved away from the screens,’ he said. ‘And they might have seen you.’

  Vercetti’s guards stepped out of the office behind him.

  Henry let out a cry of terror and dashed out the front door. This wasn’t a great first impression to make on the rest of the League. He’d messed up the plan, yelped in fright and run away. I know Dan likes to invite everyone into the League, but I was sure he’d make an exception after that pathetic display.

  The bodyguards scowled at us.

  I tried shouting, ‘East Dudchester League of Costumed Vigilantes (incorporating The Central Region Masked Crime-Fighters Society) assemble!’ but the guards charged at us before I’d even got to the brackets.

  Dan, Amazagirl, Doctor Infinity and Pi shoved past me to take them on. Mr and Mrs Amazing ran back upstairs.

  I stood on the stairs, uncertain about what to do. Obviously, as a brilliant hero, it was my duty to charge forward and join in the fight. On the other hand, if I ran away and hid I wouldn’t be the only one.

  Dan hit the blonde guard in the face and there was a faint snapping noise, as if someone had stepped on a twig. Blood gushed out of his nose and sprayed over the front of his shirt. He’d need to get that in the wash as soon as the fight was over, or it would stain.

  The guard reacted quickly, though, and punched Dan on the cheek, who staggered sideways, grunting with pain. I’d seen fights in school, but they were nothing like this. They usually consisted of two boys pushing each other in the middle of a crowd until a teacher broke it up. Real fights weren’t nearly as much fun to watch.

  Doctor infinity, Amazagirl and Pi grabbed the bald guard. Between them they managed to wrestle him back and tip his head up.

  ‘Come on, Loser!’ shouted Amazagirl. ‘Help us!’

  I strode down the stairs, clenching my fingers. I’d never have such a clean shot on a villain again. All I had to do was draw my fist back, fling it forward and dispense some justice.

  ‘I’m not The Loser,’ I said. ‘I’m The Loner.’

  I threw my fist at the guard’s chin.


  It wasn’t what I was expecting. For a start, I didn’t think it would hurt my hand so much. It was like slamming my fist into a wall covered in stubble. Also, isn’t punching someone meant to hurt them at least a bit? This guy just laughed as I cradled my sore fist.

  Mr and Mrs Amazing came rushing back down the stairs, holding the ropes they’d been tied to the chairs with. So they hadn’t been running from the danger after all. I was glad I hadn’t followed.

  They fastened the ropes around the hands of the bald guard.

  Dan thumped the blonde guard to the floor and wrestled him into a headlock.

  ‘Tie his legs!’ he shouted. ‘Neutralize the threat!’

  I pushed past the mass of squirming superheroes and guards. Someone needed to take on the real villain.

  I rushed to the end of the hallway and kicked open the door to Vercetti’s office. It slammed shut again, because I’d kicked it too hard. I opened it by the handle instead and stepped inside.

  There he was. The mastermind behind all the crime in our town.

  Vercetti was sitting behind a wide wooden desk at the far end of the room, leaning back in his chair and grinning.

  On CCTV screens to my right, I could see the rest of the League still struggling with the guards.

  ‘The Loner’s here,’ I said. ‘And it looks like you’ll be spending some long lonely years in prison.’

  I had absolutely no idea what to do next. I didn’t want to hit him, as my hand was still sore from punching the guard and I couldn’t think of any more one-liners. In desperation, I looked down at my utility belt. I unhooked my tape measure and threw it at Vercetti. It flew wide and bounced off a horrible lamp that was meant to look like a goddess holding a torch.

  I let off all my remaining Lonersnaps and stink bombs one by one. I knew I should be using them as a distraction to launch an awesome attack, but I couldn’t bring myself to attempt one. I’d just found out that punching someone in the face was harder than I expected, so back-flipping over a desk and launching into a mid-air judo move didn’t seem like a great idea.