She inhaled deeply and then released her breath slowly.
“Meeting you made me realize that I’m ready to live my life, to put myself out there. I’ve been holding myself back and I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t know how it happened Ethan, but you gave me the courage to be myself,” she said quietly.
Ethan looked at her and thought he saw her wipe away tears. He reached down and took her hand in his. She took in a few shallow breaths.
“So, thank you for that,” she said.
He was quiet for a minute, processing what she said. Finally, he let out a soft chuckle. Reagan looked at him curiously.
“What is it?” she asked.
He glanced her way and grinned.
“Reagan, I could say the exact same thing about myself,” he said.
“Really?”
He nodded. “Yes, really.”
Reagan slowly nodded her head. He knew she understood. After a few minutes of quiet, he spoke.
“What will you do instead?”
She looked his way. “You mean for work?”
He nodded.
“I’m not sure yet.”
They grew quiet again, both of them deep in thought. Ethan broke the silence.
“Reagan, describe to me an ideal scenario. Pretend that anything’s possible and the world is perfect. What does that look like for you? Not just for work, but all of it.”
Reagan smiled and her eyes softened.
“In a perfect world? I’d be living in a small town with a river flowing right through the middle of it. The kind of town where you know your neighbors and people get together for street parties and fund raisers and look out for each other’s kids. I would own the prettiest little flower shop in the heart of the village and close every day at five so that I could go home and spend time with my family.”
Ethan smiled.
“And you could bake those chocolate chip cookies,” he added.
“Right?” she said with a grin. “And I’d be President of the Universe and find the solution for world hunger and world peace. You know, since this is a perfect world.”
Ethan laughed.
“Ah, but in a perfect world there wouldn’t be hunger or war.”
“That’s true. Of course me and my man would still have the best sex life in the world,” she said, giggling.
“Of course,” Ethan said.
He glanced at her and watched her smile brighten, as if she just considered something else.
“Oh, and I would have a big, sprawling yard with room for Ragnar to run!”
“Who’s Ragnar?”
“He’s the most beautiful, crazy, loving, pain-in-the-ass mutt that ever lived. I walk him at the animal shelter where I volunteer.”
“Oh, which one?”
“The one on Foothill Road?” she said, wondering if he knew it.
He nodded thoughtfully.
“Yeah, I know the one. And Ragnar is one of the pets up for adoption?”
“Yes. He’s a bad boy, but I love him,” she said smiling.
Ethan smiled too.
“Why don’t you just adopt him?” he asked.
Reagan shook her head.
“I couldn’t do that to him. Not in my small condo. He wouldn’t be happy,” she said. “He deserves a family and a home where he can run free.”
A few minutes later Ethan pulled into Reagan’s parking lot. It was close to midnight.
“I’ll walk you up,” he said, turning off the ignition.
Reagan put her hand on his.
“No, I’ll be fine. You have to get home,” she said, “but I do appreciate the offer.”
Ethan grinned mischievously.
“Walking you to your apartment will give me a chance to give you a proper grope goodnight,” he said, not so gallantly.
Reagan laughed.
“While I’d usually welcome a proper grope, I know you have an early morning. Give me a kiss and I’ll give you a raincheck for the grope.”
Ethan smiled.
“Deal. But I’m going to collect on it soon,” he said, leaning in for a kiss.
Chapter Thirty-One
Ethan
It was noon on Saturday. Ethan was careful to be at the restaurant right on time for Mia. He didn’t want to start off on the wrong foot. Somehow she’d still managed to beat him though, and was sitting waiting for him when he arrived.
She’d chosen a table on the patio, which he wasn’t thrilled about. It was open to the street and it wasn’t uncommon for the paparazzi to hang around waiting for a celebrity sighting. He wondered if Mia had purposefully chosen the table for the exposure.
The hostess showed him to the table and Mia stood up as soon as she saw him, throwing herself into his arms when he was within reach. He gave her a friendly hug but couldn’t avoid her kiss. He gently pulled away.
“Good to see you, Mia,” he said, placing his hand on her chair, gesturing for her to sit down.
She sat, flipping her hair and smiling at him.
“Did you miss me?” she asked, flirtatiously.
Ethan gave her half a grin.
“You were only gone a week. We’ve gone longer than that without seeing each other,” he said with a weak chuckle.
She pouted. “I know, but I was in a whole other country!”
Ethan shook his head in mock disbelief and chuckled again.
“Well, welcome home,” he said, raising his water glass.
She raised hers as well and then clinked his.
Just then, their waiter came to the table.
“Welcome to the Ivy!” he said.
Ethan was pretty certain he recognized them. He handed them both a menu and told them about the lunch special.
“May I take your drink order?”
Ethan nodded and deferred to Mia. She shook her head.
“I’m not sure what I want yet. You order first, Ethan.”
“Okay. Can please I have the fresh apple and carrot juice?”
Mia looked up from behind her menu and gave him a surprised look.
“Certainly sir. and Ma’am?”
She wrinkled her nose and frowned.
“Ma’am? Sheesh. Why would you call me Ma’am? How old do you think I am?”
Ethan cringed. Mia looked at him.
“I’m sorry, I just hate being addressed that way. You understand,” she said, reaching out for Ethan’s hand.
He really didn’t understand but wasn’t about to correct her. The waiter shifted from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable.
“My apologies. What can I bring you … miss?”
Mia smiled, pleased with herself.
“I guess I’ll have a juice too. The fresh berry frappé,” she said, setting down her menu.
The waiter nodded and walked away. Ethan browsed his menu while Mia complained about the flight the day before. She was pissed off because she was supposed to be seated in first class but no one had told her that she’d have to do her own check-in, and by the time she made it to the airport, all the first class seats had been assigned. She ended up sitting near the back of the plane in an aisle seat.
The worst part, she told him, was that there was an infant in the seat behind her who cried for the better part of the flight.
“Thankfully, they had a different connecting flight. Why do people feel the need to fly with babies? I just don’t get it,” she said.
Ethan shook his head, increasingly uncomfortable about the conversation he knew he had to have. The waiter came back with their drinks and set them down in front of each of them.
“Finally!” Mia said with a forced smile. “I’ll have the Cobb salad with lobster.”
The waiter nodded and took an iPad out from the pocket in his apron. He punched in her order.
“Is the house dressing okay, miss?”
Mia nodded.
“And for you, sir?” he asked.
Ethan gave him a warm smile.
“I’ll have the house salad and crab cakes. The hou
se dressing is perfect.”
The waiter punched it in and told them it wouldn’t be too long. Ethan was grateful to hear that. He wanted to get through the meal before bringing up the subject of ending the affair.
Mia reached across the table and held out her hand to him, waiting for him to take it. He pretended he didn’t see her do it and reached into his pocket for his phone, trying to avoid the public display of affection. Mia made a small disgruntled sigh.
“Sorry,” Ethan said, pretending to look at something important. “This will only take a moment.”
He fussed with his phone for a minute, until finally, Mia took her hand back and placed it in her lap. He asked her questions about the shoot in Toronto and she filled him in on the highs and lows of her week. She was happy to talk about herself until the waiter returned with their food.
Ethan picked at his meal, too preoccupied with his thoughts to eat. Mia didn’t seem to notice that he wasn’t adding much to the conversation. She spent the better part of the meal telling him about how annoying the director was, and how snobby the lead actors were, and how hot it was in Toronto, and the long days spent mostly just sitting around. Ethan smiled and nodded at all the right places.
“But Canadians are very polite,” she said, finally adding something positive.
Ethan smiled.
“I’ve always found that to be true,” he said as the waiter came and cleared away their plates.
“May I offer you coffee, tea or dessert?” he asked them.
Ethan didn’t want coffee but he needed to buy a little time.
“Yes, I’ll have a coffee. Black. Mia?”
Mia looked at him coyly.
“Why don’t we go home and have coffee?”
That was the last thing he wanted.
“No, no. I have to head back into work,” he lied. “Besides, didn’t you say you had something to tell me?”
Mia smiled demurely at him.
“Fine, I’ll have an Americano. Oh, and one of those chocolate chip cookies,” she said without making eye contact with the server.
Hearing the mention of chocolate chip cookies suddenly transported Ethan back to the day on the boat with Reagan. He smiled softly as the memories came back to him.
Mia stood up and placed her napkin on the table.
“I’ll be right back. Ladies room,” she said.
As she walked by him she ran her hand up his arm, rested it on his shoulder and then leaned in to kiss him. It caught him off guard and her lips landed on his. He was grateful it was short.
The waiter returned with their coffees and two cookies just as Mia came back. She sat down and smiled at him. She had reapplied her lipstick, Ethan noticed.
“So, I want to tell you something,” she began.
Ethan shifted in his seat. He really wanted to talk to her first and tell with her what was on his mind. He was worried that if he didn’t do it soon, he wouldn’t get the opportunity. He was just about to ask if he could speak to her about something first when she jumped in.
“I’m madly in love with you,” she purred affectionately.
Ethan didn’t respond, allowing too much time to pass.
“Did you hear what I said, Ethan?” she asked, her voice a little hurt.
Ethan sighed deeply. He didn’t want to hurt her, but now he knew it was inevitable. She would be crushed.
“I said I love you,” she repeated.
He nodded slowly, his eyes downcast. He reached across the table and took her hand in his. When he looked up she was smiling, until she saw he wasn’t. He struggled for words, knowing he needed to start speaking.
“Mia,” he began, trying not to sound insensitive, “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you over the past few months. You’re a great person. I really do like you.”
She narrowed her eyes at him, anticipating what was coming.
He hated this.
“I wish I could tell you that I feel the same, but I can’t. My feelings for you just haven’t developed strongly enough to support a long-term relationship. You need to know I’ve given this a lot of thought. I really have. I’m just not sure that you and I are a good fit. I’m not sure that we value the same things,” he said, his voice trailing off.
She looked more angry than hurt. He wanted to say something to soften the situation.
“I just have to be honest with you, Mia. I don’t want to lead you on. You deserve more than that. I’m sorry.”
Mia inhaled sharply and gave him a cold look. He released her hand and sat back in his chair, hoping to avoid a scene.
“I can’t believe you’re saying this to me right now,” she said. “I mean, seriously?”
Ethan really hated this. He started rethinking his decision to end their affair in public. She sat forward, placing her hands on the table in front of her. She stared at him for a few minutes without saying anything, but he could see her mind was racing. He thought it was best to sit in silence, and hold the space for her to process her feelings. Finally she spoke.
“You’re sorry?” she said curtly. “You tell me you're sorry?”
He nodded, making her sigh in disgust. She glared at him, clearly fuming.
“Well, I’m sorry too, Ethan,” she said, spitting out his name, “because ... I’m pregnant.”
She stared at him, her eyes challenging him to make the next move.
He pulled back and shook his head in confusion. His thoughts were swirling.
Did she just say she was pregnant? Was this actually happening?
He picked up his coffee and took a long sip, not giving a damn that the liquid was boiling hot. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. His confusion left him speechless.
Mia crossed her arms and grinned at him, victorious.
“I guess you’re going to need time to process this, aren’t you, daddy?” she said flatly.
He took a deep breath.
Yes, he did need time to think this through. He just couldn’t find the right words, and she needed time to cool off too. They could talk again later.
Mia stood up to leave. She paused in front of him, her hands touching her belly for effect. The gesture was not lost on him.
He stared up at her. She smiled coyly, and then, bent down and kissed him on the forehead.
“How about you take a few days to let all this sink in, and then we can talk,” she said.
Ethan nodded.
Mia picked up her purse and walked toward the gate. Ethan’s eyes followed her out and he was dismayed to see a man with a camera just outside the patio. The man gave him a little wave, which Ethan returned, shaking his head.
He stood up and made his way inside the restaurant to pay the bill. He gave the server a big tip and then asked him to lead him out the back door. He was grateful that the way was clear. He walked a block to where his car was, and then made his way home.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Ethan
Ethan spent the rest of the weekend at home. He was in shock, and was grateful for the time alone.
He read a script he’d promised to look at, and followed up on some work emails, but other than that, he was in a fog. In his mind, he kept going over and over his relationship with Mia and the time they’d spent together.
He wouldn’t define it as something he’d enjoyed.
In the beginning, he did like being around her. They had great sex. Both of them seemed happy to spend a few hours at dinner and then head home to hit the sheets. It was more of a physical connection than anything else.
Mia was just as happy as he was to avoid the pillow talk and the cuddling after they fucked. It was almost always her who made excuses to end their dates promptly after sex. It never bothered him, their conversations did’t have much substance anyway.
Aside from acting, they had nothing in common. In fact, if he were being honest, he often disliked being around her. Because when she was insecure, she tended to be negative, and rarely had kind things to say about others.
&nb
sp; That wasn’t like Ethan. He tried to see the positive in every situation and in most people, even Mia. He’d noticed that things between them had changed about four weeks before. Not from him, but from her. Although their emotional connection had not deepened, she became insistent on spending more time with him, especially in public. She was more vocal on social media and in interviews about him too.
That was around the time that he found himself pulling back. It wasn’t that he resisted falling in love. He tried to get to know her better. The problem was that the more he got to know her, the less he saw that attracted him.
They had only fucked a handful of times in the past six weeks, and they hadn’t been intimate at all in almost three weeks. He wondered how far along she was in her pregnancy. When exactly did it happen?
He always wore a condom with her, not that condoms were one hundred percent effective. She’d also told him that she used contraceptives, an IUD, if he recalled correctly.
He knew that in spite of great effort, people got pregnant anyway, nothing was foolproof. It just didn’t make sense to him. He should have asked her more questions the day before, but he’d been so caught off guard he could hardly think, let alone form sentences.
He considered what it would be like being a father. The thought gave him mixed emotions. He did want children one day, but he always imagined himself married to the love of his life and then starting a family after a few years of marital bliss. He could see himself being a real hands on dad, changing diapers, helping with midnight feedings, story-time, trips to the park, and even horsey rides. It was something he knew he wanted, but he always imagined being madly in love with the mother of his children.
He felt terrible admitting this, knowing that she was carrying his baby, but he didn’t love Mia. In fact, he actively disliked her, and that crushed him. He simply didn’t want things to be this way. His guilt was overpowering.
He went to bed that night with a heavy heart. He wondered how he’d feel once his child was born, knowing that he didn’t love its mother.
Would he be able to form a bond?
He really didn’t know, but he hoped with all his heart he would.
Grace and Mercy Page 18
