He didn’t have to. He could have just kept things simple and professional and went on with his life. Why did things get so personal and intimate if he was with someone else?
Was his intention to make a fool of her?
Nothing added up or made sense.
She wished for a moment that the man on the cover of those papers was someone completely different from her Ethan, perhaps his doppelgänger from a parallel universe, or maybe she was dreaming. Perhaps she would wake up, filled with relief that this was not real.
She took a deep breath to hold back her tears, but it did no good. She placed her face in her hands and sobbed.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Reagan
By the time Reagan walked into her apartment, her tears had stopped. It wasn’t that she was no longer devastated, but she’d spent the better part of her adulthood processing disappointment and grief and she knew the ins and outs of it.
She was all too aware of the five stages of grief.
She’d already passed through denial and bargaining on her way to anger. She hoped to bypass depression and skip right on through to acceptance.
For whatever reason, Ethan had lied to her.
Maybe not outright, but definitely by omission. She was partially to blame, she knew that. She really liked him. She liked everything about him.
She should have asked the right questions. She didn’t.
She should have made sure he was unattached before agreeing to see him personally. She didn’t.
She was so caught up in the possibilities that it didn’t even dawn on her to ask if he was single. She was angry with herself, because deep down she had wondered, and she chose not to question him. She assumed he would have told her otherwise.
Although she didn’t pay attention to gossip, she was familiar with his reputation in Hollywood for being a ladies’ man, the perpetual bachelor. He dated different women all the time.
But still, she should have asked.
She put the cream in the fridge and grabbed a bottle of wine. She got a wine glass from the cupboard and poured herself half a glass. Then she shrugged and proceeded to fill her glass, drank several large mouthfuls, and topped it up again. She sat at the counter and slowly sipped the rest.
She couldn’t describe her feelings as angry. She was more disappointed. She really felt herself falling for Ethan, in a way that was both scary and a risk to her, but he’d convinced her it was safe to do so. He made it seem like he wanted her to fall for him, and that maybe he was falling for her too.
Could she have misinterpreted his intentions?
She was a smart woman, capable of reading situations and people well. Hell, it was her job!
She was baffled that she got it so wrong. She knew Ethan was a good actor, but what was his motivation? There was no reason for him to lie to her. No reason at all.
She knew she was grieving for what could have been. All those fantasies of being with him, loving him, knowing him intimately and wholeheartedly, now seemed so frivolous and foolish. The promise of building a relationship with someone who seemed like a perfect match had been snatched from her grasp. It was right there in front of her, and then yanked away right before she could close her hands on it.
For a fleeting second, she wondered if she was worthy of love. All the doubts she’d suffered in her previous relationship came rushing at her like a pack of wolves. She shook her head, refusing to allow those damaging waves of doubt to crash through her soul.
She deserved love. That much was clear to her now.
If nothing else, being with Ethan had encouraged her to open her heart again. She knew she wanted love and that she deserved to be loved properly. Those feelings of self-worth had nothing to do with him. He’d opened the door, but she was the one who’d walked through it. She’d done the work. She wouldn’t go backwards.
With or without Ethan, she wouldn’t let herself spiral into a cycle that would ruin the self-esteem she’d managed to build up over the past few years of her life.
She picked up her phone and scrolled through it, searching for the email she’d received earlier from the new client.
She read the message carefully. He was polite and restrained, a quintessential submissive male searching for someone to meet his needs without judgment. Someone to pay attention to all the details and make him a priority. This she understood. There was clarity in the work. Nothing but the truth. Simple and uncomplicated.
She composed her reply, inviting the new client to FaceTime.
Dear Kirk,
I see from your client information form that you are new to exploring your submissive side. Before I invite you to a session, we must first meet through FaceTime. I do this for several reasons.
First, you must prove you are genuine about pursuing your submissive fantasies and serious about exploring the unique ways in which you will be challenged.
Secondly, I will be establishing the boundaries, which will be respected at all times.
Finally, I need to make sure you’re someone I want to know. I will be free to speak with you tomorrow (Tuesday) evening at nine PM. Confirm that this time will work for you.
Lady Grace
For a moment, she considered not sending it, but the truth was, the idea of a session was comforting. She welcomed the distraction, and performing her work would allow her to regain her sense of control, at least until she could shake off her grief.
She took a sip of wine and carefully reread her email. She took a breath, deep and full of purpose, and sent it on its way.
She sat a few minutes and then got up, put her wine glass in the sink, and decided against dinner. She wanted to take a hot bath and try to settle her nerves. She couldn’t get Ethan off her mind, but she knew she would have to figure out a way to move on.
He was in love with someone else and they were starting a family.
She knew he would reach out to her soon and want to be with her, but she wouldn’t see him. That would be best for everyone.
“Sorry, Mia,” she whispered quietly, feeling deep empathy for a woman she had never met, but understanding the path she walked.
She was disheartened by Ethan. She honestly didn’t think he was the kind of man who would be disloyal.
She was walking into her bedroom when her phone chimed. It was probably her new client, she thought, lifting the phone to her eyes.
It was Ethan.
She inhaled deeply, her nerves twisting at her guts.
Reagan, I have something I have to share with you. It’s important. When can I come see you?
Reagan shook her head slowly and turned off her phone.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Ethan
Ethan sat quietly on his patio sipping a scotch and staring at the stars. It had been a long day. He had texted Reagan earlier but she hadn’t responded. He hoped she was just busy, but his instincts told him otherwise. He had a horrible feeling that she either heard or read about the Mia situation and had made up her mind about him.
The way things looked, she had every right to be pissed off. Everything reported had been taken out of context or embellished, but Reagan wouldn’t know that. He’d never talked with her about Mia. In his view, it wasn’t an issue. He knew that it wouldn’t look that way to Reagan though.
He sighed. He and Mia had never discussed making their relationship official, he’d thought of each meeting with her as a date, not as a meeting with his girlfriend, but from Reagan’s perspective, he would look like a lying, cheating bastard. He knew that. He only hoped she would give him a chance to explain.
He was falling in love with her and the thought of losing her was devastating.
His visit with Mia earlier that afternoon had troubled him. She’d shown up at his house, almost an hour late, and walked in like nothing was wrong. In spite of asking her not to, she brought food for both of them anyway. She was giddy and full of energy. If Ethan didn’t know any better, he would have thought she was high.
She kept trying to cosy up to him, hold his hand, even kiss him. He did his best to keep an appropriate distance. The last thing he wanted was give her the wrong impression or lead her on.
They were having a child together, fine, but that didn’t magically make him her husband. Especially because he knew he didn’t love her.
While they ate lunch, she prattled on about work and her friends and things completely off topic, as if she was avoiding the whole purpose of her visit. Ethan knew he needed to keep his cool and handle the situation with great care. He didn’t want to do anything to upset her.
He finally did get a chance to ask her about the baby. He wanted to know when she found out. Had she been to the doctor for a checkup and did he give her a due date?
She shrugged and said she’d taken a home pregnancy test when she was in Canada. It came back positive, but she still needed time to process things herself. She pouted and told him that she had been researching obstetricians but she wasn’t ready to go public.
Ethan grimaced.
It was a little late for that, but he kept his opinion to himself.
He gently tried to question her further, but she refused to talk about it. She said she just wanted to focus on them and get them both to a better place. He told her he would do everything possible to make life easy for both her and the baby, and he would be the best dad he could be.
Then she interrupted him and told him she was happy he felt that way, because being together as a family was the best decision all around, not only for the “kid,” but for their careers as well.
He gently corrected her and told her that while he respected her as the mother of his child, it would be unfair to both of them and to the child to be in a relationship when they weren’t in love. He told her if they could bring up their child in a healthy, respectful, loving way and develop a life-long friendship, their child would thrive.
He wanted to be honest with her and hoped she would at least hear him out, but she stared at him blankly. He waited quietly for her to formulate her thoughts.
When she finally spoke, her words were ice cold. She told him she didn’t believe he didn’t love her, and that he was too smart to ruin his life and his career. Then she grabbed her purse and, as she walked out the door, called him a fucking prick bastard.
He was taken aback by her words. He knew she was young, and sometimes she spoke without consideration, but this was different. She seemed so threatening and cold.
He wasn’t sure what to think.
He did feel like a prick.
This was not how he wanted things to be. He didn’t want to hurt Mia. He would do what needed to be done for her and their child but he couldn’t make himself love her.
Also, he was confused by how they went from casual dating for the past few months to her being “madly in love with him.”
They’d never had a single conversation about her feelings. Not even one. She never gave him any indication that she wanted more, unless he counted her confessions on social media.
After Mia had stormed out, he forced himself to take a nap. He was exhausted and when he woke up, his mind was on Reagan. He wished he could be with her, sitting quietly with his arms around her. He found her presence calming and comforting. Being around her always made him feel grounded.
He knew he needed to explain everything to her. Hot gossip like this didn’t take long to spread to the celebrity television programs. TMZ would make a mockery out of him. They loved tearing down celebrities and dragging them through the mud. They shattered lives all the time in the name of entertainment.
It was Ethan’s wish to protect Reagan from that. He had hoped they could discreetly build their relationship and enjoy getting to know one another, at least for a while, but now his privacy would surely not be respected. It was almost a certainty that Reagan had already heard the news.
He desperately needed to speak with her.
He poured himself a scotch and checked his phone one last time. Reagan still hadn’t responded and he was pretty sure he wouldn’t hear from her. He was tempted to drive over to her place and hope she’d let him in, but he was afraid he’d be tailed by the paparazzi. He knew they were waiting outside his gate and they would camp out until they got the next twist in the plot they were spinning.
He wondered if Mia had stirred the pot today with her visit, or if she’d given them any more sound bites. He didn’t think he could stomach surfing the net or watching television to find out.
He couldn’t recall any time in his life he’d felt so helpless.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Reagan
Reagan was getting ready for her FaceTime meeting with her new client, Kirk, when Ethan’s latest text came in.
I’m pretty sure you’re aware of my situation by now. I know it looks bad, but there’s more to the story that I need to explain. I know you’re upset. We need to talk about us.
She knew that she needed to reply to him, but only to say good bye.
Children came first, and now that she was aware of Mia and her pregnancy, she wouldn’t do anything to interfere. She wouldn’t be responsible for breaking up a family.
The problem was, saying goodbye to Ethan was so hard. She’d tried to text him several times, but couldn’t find the right words. She was still confused, her emotions all over the place, but it was time for her to work. She would put on her Lady Grace costume and let her worries slip away for a while.
She dressed in her fiercest outfit for the new client, and even though she didn’t feel formidable, she sure as hell looked it.
Kirk was an interesting character. He wasn’t as submissive as Reagan had expected. He was tough-looking, with a shaved head and trimmed goatee. He answered all her questions and even asked intelligent questions himself, but something about his demeanor confused her.
When he made eye contact he seemed to be challenging her, as though he was testing her strength and her resolve.
But mainly, it was his smile. It was sardonic, as if he knew something she didn’t.
She wondered if she was being overly sensitive given her emotional state.
As the conversation went on, he relaxed. Then, when she explained the rules and boundaries, he seemed to soften considerably.
She was on the fence with this one, and typically, when that happened, she would decline a session.
She looked at him for a minute or two in complete silence before giving him her answer, waiting to see how he would respond. He shifted in his chair uncomfortably, but waited patiently for her to speak, his eyes respectfully downcast. She smiled softly at him, dismissing her doubts.
She told him she would meet with him and they set up a session for Friday.
It was bitter-sweet for Reagan because she’d decided that this would be her very last session as Lady Grace. She was ready to hang up her riding crop for good.
Later that day, she was sitting on the edge of her bed, one leg tucked under her. She’d read Ethan’s text over and over, but it didn’t get any easier. She sighed softly, her eyes brimming with tears.
She didn’t think getting together with him was a good idea. She wasn’t sure how she would react but she knew she couldn’t trust herself around him. She was certain she would lose her composure. Seeing him would start the grieving process all over again.
The truth was, she didn’t need him to pacify her and she wasn’t the kind of woman who needed an exit interview or an explanation of what went wrong.
She loved Ethan.
She didn’t need to put either of them through the pain of a final farewell. Yes, he should have told her the truth, but he didn’t and there was nothing either of them could do about that now.
He made a mistake, but facts were facts. He was with Mia and they were having a baby. Nothing could change that.
She would let him go gracefully.
Ethan, we both know that this is over. Be happy. I sincerely mean that. Good bye.
She sent the text before she could change her mi
nd. Then she turned her phone back off and shut off her light. She needed sleep to come and ease her aching heart.
The rest of the week went by so slowly for her. She tried her best to keep her mind off Ethan by keeping busy. He sent her several text messages following her “good bye” text, and even called her directly to leave a voice mail, imploring her to call him back. She knew he wanted to talk, and every part of her wanted to connect with him too, but she just couldn’t do it.
She spent time with the seniors on Wednesday but avoided Bill. She knew he would pick up on her grief, no matter how hard she tried to hide it, so instead she offered to help out with a cooking class. The ladies were delighted she was there and made her feel loved and welcome. They did a lot to raise her spirits and she was grateful.
On Thursday, she went to visit Ragnar at the shelter. It was Penny’s day off, which worked out well for Reagan. She didn’t want to talk about her problems yet. Penny would be so disappointed. She wanted so much for Reagan to find love. She would tell Penny about it soon, and also let her know about her decision to close up shop. She knew that her friend would be happy about that, so it would all balance out.
So many dogs had come and gone, but her sweet boy was still there. They brought him out to her and although he was excited to see her and be out of his kennel, he was well behaved for his handler. She was pleased his training was starting to pay off.
She knelt down and smiled at him, scratching him behind the ears. She knew it was just a matter of time before someone adopted him, and although she wanted him to find a home, she was going to miss him. He had become such a good friend.
By Friday, she was starting to feel a little better. Although she still missed Ethan terribly, she was starting to feel a little more hopeful. She looked forward to her session that night with her final client. She looked at it as closure of that part of her life. It was time to make space for something new.
Grace and Mercy Page 20
