My Biggest Mistake

by Leddy Harper

  At a quarter ‘til six, I slipped my Vans on and pulled a sweater around my arms. I decided to go with relaxed—a pair of black leggings and a dark purple tunic. It wasn’t flattering and exactly what I needed. I walked out the door and headed across the street with Beth’s words replaying in my ear.

  Stop playing the victim. Own up to what you did.

  As I waited for the door to open, I tried to block out the fear that fought to overtake me. Unanswered questions filled my head… What did Donnie tell the kids about me? How would they respond to me? Would they hate me?

  I didn’t want to concentrate on those thoughts, knowing they would only make things worse. I needed to accept the fact that yes, they may hate me, but that wouldn’t change anything. They were kids, and kids were resilient. Plus, I would still love them no matter how much they hated me. I had probably lost Donnie forever and I couldn’t change that, but that didn’t mean I had lost my children, too. The innocent had a way of forgiving the things adults couldn’t. I only needed to focus on that.

  The door swung open and my eyes immediately fell on Livvy. She wore a floral dress and black patent shoes with white socks. The sight of her all dressed up nearly had me in tears, but I fought them off with a smile.

  “Are you my mommy?” she asked, still standing with the door open.

  I nodded, unsure of what to say.

  “You live over there.” She pointed her tiny finger across the street.

  “Yes, I do. I just moved there to be closer to you and your brothers.”

  “Why don’t you live here?”

  I had no answer. I’d been officially tongue-tied by a four-year-old. Luckily, before I stood silent for too long, Donnie came to the door with a dishtowel slung over his shoulder.

  “Step aside, Livvy, and let her in.” He grabbed the edge of the door and opened it wider to let me pass. Livvy ran off and then he closed the door behind me. I finally turned my attention to him. He wore a cream-colored long-sleeved waffle knit shirt with faded jeans. Again, his feet were bare and I had to make a conscious effort not to study them.

  “I was wondering if we could talk for a minute without the kids around.”

  He nodded and then said, “Yeah, that’s fine. But I have dinner on the stove so we have to take it in the kitchen. I don’t know how long you have before they come down, though.”

  I followed him down the hall and toward the kitchen in the back of the house. I studied the house as I moved, looking around as if I had never been inside before. It surprised me to see that the pictures in the hallway were all of the same ones I had hung when I’d lived there. All of them were baby pictures of the kids, their ages stopping when I left. It made me sad to know Donnie hadn’t added any new ones and it made me question something.

  “They didn’t seem to recognize me… Does that mean you took down all of my pictures in the house?” I asked as we made it through the hallway and into the kitchen.

  Donnie stopped and turned. I thought I saw shame flash in his dark eyes, but if I did, it quickly vanished. “It’s not like you had many of yourself around here. And yes, I took them down. I put them all away in a drawer.”

  It was hard to hear him admit to locking me away like a dirty secret, but I wouldn’t argue with him about his decisions. I had no right to do that, as Beth had pointed out earlier. “I take it you told the kids. How did they react? Did they ask any questions?” I blurted out my inquiries before I could stop them. I just had so many.

  We were walking more into the kitchen by that point and he started stirring whatever was in the pot on the stove. “I guess they took it fine. I mean, they didn’t ask a lot of questions and as soon as I told them, they were off doing something else.”

  “Well, what did you tell them? Like…where did you say I was?”

  “Edie, I didn’t have to tell them where you were because I had to have that conversation with them a long time ago. When you first left I told them you were on vacation. That turned out to be the wrong thing because when you didn’t come back, they got the impression that people didn’t return from vacation. I learned this when Beth and I were talking about taking one and Livvy freaked out. That’s when I had to tell them something else.”

  “What did you tell them then?” I ignored the sting that the image of him and Beth taking a vacation together left behind.

  “I told them you were sick,” he admitted uncomfortably and then turned back to the stove. “What else was I supposed to say? I couldn’t tell them the truth because I didn’t know the truth. And I didn’t want them to hate you, either. I did what I had to do.”

  I moved to his side and touched his arm. His body went rigid beneath my hand, but I didn’t move it. “I know, Donnie. I’m not blaming you for anything. I only wanted to know what they had been told. The last thing I want is to confuse them any more than they might already be.”

  The silver spoon dropped to the glass stovetop with a clatter as he squared his shoulders to me. “Just tell me one thing, Edie. Are you here to stay? Because if you’re planning on taking—”

  I covered his lips with my fingertips, stopping him mid-sentence. “I’m here to stay. I swear. I’m not going anywhere…unless, of course, you have to move, in which case I will follow you to the ends of the earth.”

  A large hand gripped my wrist and pulled my hand away. “Don’t say that.”

  “Say what?” I asked in confusion.

  “That you’d follow me to the ends of the earth. When we told my parents that we were getting married, my mom asked what would happen if I decided to attend college out of state. Do you remember what you said?”

  “That it didn’t matter because I’d follow you anywhere.”

  “Including, but not limited to, the ends of the earth,” he finished the words I had used to answer his mother so long ago. “So you can see why I don’t want to hear you say that to me again, ever. It doesn’t mean shit to me anymore.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered and then backed away. In the hopes of voiding the hurt from his voice, I decided to change the subject. “Dinner smells amazing. What are we having?” I ignored the shakiness of my voice and had hoped he did as well.

  Donnie’s shoulders shook, and when he spoke, I could hear the laughter. “Spaghetti.”

  “What’s so funny?” I couldn’t help but smile at him. I wasn’t sure why he laughed or what was funny, but whatever the reason, it had rubbed off on me. The more his shoulders shook, the more I laughed.

  “It’s all I know how to make. It better be good. “

  “Really? You eat spaghetti every night?”

  “No,” he said, shaking his head as his laughter began to die down. “Only when I’m here alone. Beth usually cooks dinner—she’s way better at it than I am. I burn everything. In fact, I can’t even make sandwiches. One day, I made the kids’ lunch and completely forgot condiments…it was just bread and cheese.”

  He rambled, probably trying to cover up his mention of Beth. I appreciated the gesture, but it didn’t make the pain go away. I knew I had no right to be upset over it, so I fought hard to stay strong and act like it didn’t bother me.

  “Beth has always been good at cooking. She’s the one that taught me how to make that lemon chicken dish with the bowtie pasta. I think I fucked that up a few times before making it like hers…except it wasn’t as good.”

  He turned to me with wide eyes, clearly surprised.

  “You’re with her and there’s nothing I can do about it, Donnie. All I want are my kids. To be honest with you, I’d rather it be Beth than someone else. At least I know she’s good with the kids and loves them.”

  The look on his face was almost comical had it been about anything else. His right eyebrow pulled up high on his forehead and he was staring at me like I had two heads.

  “Something is burning,” I said, sniffing the air.

  That got his attention and he turned back to the stove, pulling open the oven door and waving the dishtowel to clear the plume of
smoke that escaped. I couldn’t help but laugh at him as he pulled out a pan of completely burnt bread.

  “I guess we won’t be having any garlic bread,” he surmised as he tossed the cookie sheet full of charred black bread on top of the stove. He had humor in his voice, but it wasn’t until he turned to me and saw my face that he let a laugh loose himself.

  I wasn’t sure why or how, but Donnie and I were both standing in the kitchen, laughing so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if someone thought we were high. I hadn’t laughed like that in so long, and it felt so good that I didn’t want to stop.

  But, eventually, we had to. The kids barreled down the stairs, interrupting our moment. Although, I didn’t care what they interrupted, I was glad to see them.

  Livvy gave me a smile and then sat down. Luckily, Donnie noticed my panic and whispered to me that Gavin was wearing the blue shirt, so I knew it was Mikey that had taken his seat at the table without paying me any attention, while Gavin stood in front of me with a quiet expression, waiting for me to sit before he picked his chair.

  We all sat at the kitchen table just off the hallway. It was the same table I had picked out when we bought the house. I remembered picking it out, thinking about how much room it had and tried to imagine sitting around it with the family I would have with Donnie. And there I was, sitting around it, squeezed between both of my handsome boys and sitting in front of my beautiful Livvy.

  “What’s your name?” Mikey asked, pronouncing his R like a W.

  I didn’t know how to answer him and turned to Donnie for help. He didn’t meet my eyes, so I finished chewing my food slowly, hoping it would give me enough time to come up with something on my own.

  “I’m your mommy,” I finally answered in slow, calculating words.

  “He can’t call you Mommy.” Livvy interjected. “It’s a bad word.”

  My head snapped up and I glanced to her, and then leveled my eyes at Donnie with what I could only imagine was an angry glare. I couldn’t imagine he would have told the kids that the word mommy was a bad word, but I didn’t understand what she was talking about.

  Donnie started snapping his fingers with a mouthful of noodles, but she ignored him and continued with her thought. “He always gets yelled at for calling Beth ‘Mommy.’”

  “Livvy,” Donnie said with a hard tone. “That’s enough.”

  I smiled nervously at my daughter and then turned to Donnie. “It’s okay, really. She’s always been ahead of her time where speech is concerned. At least I know who to go to when I need the hard truth.” I tried to joke, but it was lost on the table. I rubbed Mikey’s head and said, “It’s okay, buddy. You can call me anything you want.”

  “Poo-poo head?” he asked with a squeal.

  I was in the middle of contemplating it when Donnie spoke up. “No. You can call her ‘Mommy.’”

  “No, he doesn’t have to right now.” Admitting that hurt, but I had to be rational. I knew I couldn’t waltz back into his life when he had absolutely no memory of me and expect him to treat me as if I had been there the entire time. Damn, the mature approach sucked. “Maybe we can come up with another name instead of poo-poo head. How about that?” I asked Mikey and he giggled at the childish name.

  Gavin leaned into my side and buried his head beneath my arm. “I love you,” he mumbled while shoving the rest of a noodle into his mouth with the palm of his hand.

  My heart grew hot inside my chest and I felt as if I could cry at his words. And for the first time in years, it wouldn’t be tears of sadness. “I love you, too, Gavin.” I kissed the top of his blond head, feeling an unexplainable warmth cover me like a blanket on a cold night.

  Dinner ended far too soon and everyone got out of their seats. I helped Donnie take the plates to the sink and clear the table. I was in the middle of scraping the extra noodles from the boys’ plates in the trash when Donnie yelled out, “Come on, kids! Let’s get ready for bed!”

  “I can get them ready for bed,” I offered, which sounded much more like a desperate plea than an offer.

  He stopped and turned to me with his eyebrows raised and his narrowed eyes pointed right at me. “No, it’s okay. I get them ready every night. They don’t like it when I don’t,” he said and I nodded, feeling the intense sting of rejection. “Um…you can stay or… I mean, it’s kind of late. They will be going to bed after their baths.”

  Was he asking me to leave? I wasn’t ready to go just yet. I wanted to stay there forever and never take that lonely walk back across the street again.

  He didn’t wait for me to say anything. I stood in the middle of the kitchen and watched him chase the kids up the stairs, and then listened to the little pitter-patter of feet run down the long hall and into their bathroom. I decided then and there that I wasn’t going to leave until he flat out asked me to go, like actually used the words and not insinuations.

  I was almost done with cleaning the kitchen, only having a sink full of clean dishes to dry and put away, when I heard a sad sigh from behind me. I spun around and caught the deep-sea eyes of a shirtless Donnie. Oh my.

  “I feel like I just walked into the past,” he admitted without moving.

  I tried to smile, but even I knew how weak it must’ve looked. Donovan had always looked good, he always took good care of his body, but time had served him well. He had lines I never remember seeing on him before. Deep cuts in his abdominal muscles that left me contemplating counting them. The V that held the ability to produce an endless amount of drool for any woman was evident, disappearing below the waistband of his jeans as if pleading for me to follow it. Like a forbidden treasure hunt. Just above the button, I could faintly see the start of his pubic hair where it met with the thin line that trailed south from his belly button.

  I licked my lips, vividly remembering how he tasted on my tongue.

  “You didn’t have to clean the kitchen.” His voice cut through my thoughts and I had to take a second to replay what he’d said. “The kids are already in bed. Had I known you were still here, I would have sent them down to say goodnight to you.”

  My mind was so jumbled, unable to form a complete thought with him standing in front of me half-naked. Finally, I shook my head and went back to drying, needing a break from the glorious sight of him.

  “You cooked so it’s only fair that I clean.” I didn’t want to say anything about the kids. Yes, it hurt that he sent them to bed without saying goodnight, but it was too late to do anything about it and I didn’t want to argue.

  Donnie laughed behind me and it sounded closer than where he had been standing when I faced him. “It was only spaghetti, Edes. You make it sound like I cooked a five-course meal. We didn’t even have any bread.”

  “It was a five-course meal to me. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a more enjoyable meal,” I choked out.

  Yes, he was definitely closer. I could practically feel the heat from his bare chest at my back. I couldn’t turn around, knowing there was a good possibility I’d end up doing something very bad. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and bit my lower lip while I meticulously continued drying the dishes. Hell, I couldn’t even concentrate on the dishes, so I have no idea how well I’d dried them.

  “Dinner went well,” he admitted in a husky voice.

  I put the pot and towel down, finally turning to take him in. My eyes had been downcast as I turned and I caught the sight of his bare feet once more. A slow-burning ache began to grow near my bladder and it only got worse the more my eyes moved up. My breaths came out in short pants and a warm flush covered my body, leaving me feeling as if I had a fever.

  Without thought, I pressed both hands to his chest, just above his nipples. My eyes remained on his skin, never straying from the dark, sparse hair that spattered his upper chest. The warmth of his body radiated through my palms, running up my arms, and setting my entire body on fire.

  Entirely way too soon, he grasped my wrists in his hands, causing me to look at his face. It was turned down, takin
g me in with dark eyes. I couldn’t read them well enough to know what he thought or felt, but I knew that whatever emotion ran though him was intense.

  Like a slap in the face, everything came back to me. I may have been his wife in the eyes of a court, but I wasn’t in his. In his eyes, I was the woman that had abandoned him, leaving him to take care of everything while I vacationed in the sun. He had Beth now, and I had to force myself to accept that.

  “I…I should go,” I breathed out before I lost the nerve. My eyes dropped as I pulled my arms from his hold and turned away. I had no idea what reaction he had since I never looked back, but I knew I had to leave. If we were going to make it through this and come out alive on the other end, I had to think with my head and not my heart. I had to act on reason instead of impulse. I walked away from him once because of fear—I wouldn’t make that same mistake again. This time, I walked away with pride, courage, and strength. Even if he didn’t see it that way, I knew he would realize it eventually.

  The only thing that hurt was the fact that he didn’t stop me. He didn’t call out and ask me to stay. Not one word escaped his lips as I made my way to the door, and from the stillness in the air, it didn’t even sound like he moved from his spot in front of the sink. There were no sounds of feet following me, no latching of locks as I closed the door softly behind me, and once I made it across the street and turned around, I noticed there were no lights being turned off inside.

  I stood in my new front yard, facing my old one, wondering if Donnie was behind those walls staring off in my direction, the same way I stared at his.

  After our first date eleven years ago, Donnie had admitted to watching my front door for twenty minutes after he dropped me off, not knowing I had been on the other side of that door, staring at it, too.

  Were we doing the same thing now?

  Tuesday came and went with no sign of Donnie or the kids. The van wasn’t in the driveway until almost eight, and shortly after, the lights inside went out. I spent the day trying to get things accomplished. I went to the grocery store, which took entirely way too long since I had no idea what the kids even liked to eat, and then spent the rest of the day cleaning. I tried to keep away from the window, but once the time turned five o’clock, I found myself there every five minutes.