Tourist Season

by Carl Hiassen

  El Fuego,

  Comandante, Las Noches de Diciembre

  Brian Keyes delivered a photocopy of the new El Fuegoletter to Homicide the next morning. Afterward he went to the office to feed the tropicals and check his messages. The Shriners had called from the county morgue to report that no one matching Theodore Bellamy's description had turned up in the night inventory of Dade County corpses. There was another call-me message from Mitch Klein, the public defender. Keyes decided not to phone back until he knew more about the letter.

  At noon Keyes returned to police headquarters. "Let's go eat," Al Garcia said, taking him by the arm. Garcia didn't think it was a swell idea to be seen around the office with a private investigator. They rode to lunch in the detective's unmarked Dodge, WQBA blaring Spanish on the radio. Garcia was nonchalantly dodging deranged motorists on Seventh Street, in the heart of Little Havana, when he stubbed out his cigarette and finally mentioned the letter.

  "Same typewriter as the first one," he said.

  Keyes wasn't surprised.

  "The Beach police think it's a crackpot," Garcia added in a noncommittal way.

  "What do you think, Al?"

  "I think it's too hinky for a crackpot. I think to myself, how would this Fuegoknow about Bellamy so soon? Almost before the cops! And I think, where's the connection between this Bellamy guy and B. D. Harper? They didn't even know each other, yet after each one comes these death letters. Too hinky, like I said."

  "So you're ready to spring Cabal?"

  Garcia laughed, pounding on the steering wheel. "You're hilarious, Brian."

  "But Ernesto didn't kill Harper and he damn sure didn't snatch this drunk Shriner."

  "How do you know?"

  "Because," Keyes said, "the guy's a burglar, not a psychopath."

  "Know what I think, brother? I think Ernesto is El Fuego"

  "Give me a break, Al."

  "Let me finish." Garcia pulled the Dodge into a shopping center and parked near a Cuban cafe. He rolled down the window and toyed with another cigarette. "I think your little scuzzball client is El Fuego,but I also think he didn't dream up this scheme all by his lonesome. I agree with you: Cabal ain't exactly a master criminal, he's a fuckin' burglar, and not very good at that. This whole thing sounds like a bad extortion scam, and our pal Ernesto, he don't have the brains to extort a blow-job from a legless whore. So he had help. Who? you're asking me. Don't know for sure, but I'll bet it's this mysterious superhuman black dude Cabal's been crying about ... "

  Keyes related his encounter with Viceroy Wilson at Pauly's Bar.

  "You deserve a good whack on the head for showing your shiny angel-food face in that snakepit," the detective said. "You wanna file A-and-B on the sonofabitch?"

  "Just find him, Al."

  "Yes sir, Mr. Taxpayer, I'll get right on it."

  "This might help." Keyes handed Garcia a scribbled note that said "GATOR 2." "It's the tag on the Caddy that Wilson was driving."

  "Hey, you do good work. This'll be easy," Garcia said. "Come on, let's get a sandwich and some coffee."

  Both of them ordered a hot Cuban mix and ate in the car, wax paper spread across their laps.

  "Al," Keyes said, savoring the tangy sandwich, "what do you make of the name of this group? Las Noches de Diciembre—the Nights of December, right?"

  Garcia shrugged. "Usually Cuban groups name themselves after some great date in their history, but the only thing I know happened in December is Castro came to power—nothing they'd want to celebrate. 'Course, there is another possibility."

  "What's that?"

  Garcia paused for another enormous bite. Somehow he was still able to speak. "They got something planned for thisDecember. As in, right now. And if what we've seen already is any indication—he glanced over at Keyes—"it's gonna be a treat."

  Daniel "Viceroy" Wilson stood six feet, two inches tall and weighed 237 pounds. He usually wore his hair in a short Afro, or sometimes plaited, but he always kept enough of a gritty beard to make him look about half as mean as he really was.

  One of the things Wilson fervently wished this afternoon, skulking in the parking lot of the world-famous Miami Seaquarium, was that he could own this fine Cadillac he was driving. It didn't seem right that it belonged to the Indian, who didn't appreciate it, didn't even use the goddamn tape deck. One time Wilson had left a Herbie Hancock cassette on the front seat, and the Indian had thrown it out the window with a bunch of Juicy Fruit wrappers and bingo tickets onto I-95. At that moment Wilson had contemplated killing the Indian, but when it came to Seminoles, one had to be careful. There was a wealth of mystical shit to be considered: eagle feathers, panther gonads, and so on. Wilson was much more fearful of Indian magic than of jail, so he let the Herbie Hancock episode slide. Besides, for the first time in years, Wilson had something to look forward to. He didn't want to spoil it by pissing off the Indian.

  Still, he'd have loved to own the Caddy.

  Life had not been kind to Viceroy Wilson since he was cut from the Miami Dolphins during the preseason of 1978, a month before his own Cadillac Seville had been repossessed. Since then Wilson had been through three wives, two humiliating bankruptcies, a heroin addiction, and one near-fatal shooting. Yet somehow he had managed to maintain his formidable physique in such a way that he could still bring silence to a crowded restaurant just by walking in the door. Wilson's fissured face looked every day of his thirty-six years, yet his body remained virtually unchanged from his glory days as a star fullback: taut, streamlined calves; a teenager's spare hips; and a broad, rippling wedge of a chest. Wilson's strength was in his upper body, always had been; his shoulders had been his best weapons inside the twenty-yard line.

  As a rule, Viceroy Wilson didn't go around clobbering strangers in stinky taverns. He believed in the eternal low profile. He was not homesick for the Orange Bowl locker room, nor did he especially miss getting mobbed for his autograph. A free case of Colt .45 was the only reason he'd signed that football in Pauly's Bar. Generally Viceroy Wilson believed that the less he was recognized in public, the better. Part of this attitude was personal preference (autographs being a bitter reminder of the Super Bowl years), and part of it was a necessary adjustment in order to lead a successful life of crime.

  Exactly why he'd sucker-punched the skinny white guy in Pauly's, Wilson wasn't sure. Something—street instinct, maybe—told him not to let the dude get a good look at his face. Something about the back of his head said trouble. Thick brown hair, shiny, straight, razor-cut. Sculptured around the collar. Yeah, thatwas it. Cops got haircuts like that. Wilson was sure this man wasn't a cop, which made him even more of a useless jive asshole. Who else would get a haircut like that? It really annoyed Viceroy Wilson just to think about it, and he was glad he'd smacked the guy and put an end to his curiosity. Now was no time to have razor-cut strangers nosing around, asking coplike questions.

  Viceroy Wilson did not think of himself as a common criminal. Since leaving the National Football League (after eight bone-battering seasons, seventy-three touchdowns, and 7,889 yards rushing), Wilson had become a dedicated anarchist. He had come to believe that all crimes were perfectly acceptable against rich people, although the term "rich" was admittedly subjective, and varied from one night to the next.

  Wilson himself was no longer rich, having been neatly cleaned out by sports agents, orthopedic surgeons, ex-wives, ex-lawyers, accountants, mortgage companies, real-estate swindlers, and an assortment of scag peddlers from Coconut Grove to Liberty City. With a shift in economic fortunes Wilson had been forced to quit shooting heroin, so he'd turned to reading in his spare time. He spent hours upon hours in the old public library at Bayfront Park, amid the snoring winos and bag ladies, and it was there Wilson decided that America sucked, especially white America. It was there that Viceroy Wilson had decided to become a radical.

  He soon realized two things: first, that he was ten years too late to find a home in any sort of national radical movement and, second, th
ere were no English-speaking radicals in all of South Florida anyway.

  So for years Viceroy Wilson had quietly burgled apartments and scammed dope and boosted cars, all the while nurturing romantic hopes of one day inflicting some serious shit on the white establishment that had mangled his knees and ruined his life. Wilson remained proud of the fact that he'd never robbed a liquor store, or stolen an eight-year-old Chrysler, or snatched a purse bulging with food stamps. Politically, he was careful about picking his victims.

  Then El Fuegocame along and Viceroy Wilson felt redeemed.

  He didn't know what the name El Fuegoactually meant, but it sure sounded bad, and as long as it didn't translate into something like "The Fart," Wilson could live with it. They shared the name anyway, all of them. They were a team. More of a team than the goddamn Dolphins ever were.

  It was four-thirty by the digital clock on the Cadillac's dash, and the last porpoise show had ended at the Seaquarium. Tourists were starting to trickle out in a splash of godawful colors.

  Viceroy Wilson adjusted his Carrera sunglasses, lit up a joint, jacked up the a/c, and mellowed out behind the Caddy's blue-tinted windows. He imagined himself an invisible, lethal presence. This was fun. He liked the dirty work. "Thirty-one Z-right," he called it. That had been his jersey on the Dolphins: number thirty-one. And "thirty-one Z-right was head-down-over-right-guard, the big ball-buster. Five, six, seven nasty yards every time. Viceroy Wilson had absolutely loved it.

  "Pick a pale one." Those were his orders today. "Pale and comely." Now what the fuck did thatmean? Pale was pale.

  Wilson studied the tourists as they strolled by, scouting the parking lot for their precious rental cars. The boss was right: it was a bountiful crop. In no time Wilson selected a redhead, tall and creamy-skinned, with lots of cinnamon-colored freckles. Her hair was thick and permed up to bounce, and she wore a crimson halter over silky blue jogging shorts. Minneapolis, Wilson guessed, maybe Quebec. A real alien. Best of all, her husband-boyfriend-whatever was only about five-two, a hundred-ten pounds, tops. He stood there shielding his eyes from the afternoon sun, squinting pathetically as he searched for the maroon Granada or whatever it was they'd be driving.

  Viceroy Wilson polished off the joint and slid out of the Cadillac. That old familiar growl was building in his throat.

  Thirty-one Z-right!

  Brian Keyes felt uncomfortable whenever he ventured back to the newsroom. In a way, he missed the chaos and the adrenalized camaraderie; then again, what did he expect? Him and his one-man office with a tank full of algae-sucking catfish.

  Whenever Keyes revisited the Sun,old friends flagged him down, briefed him on the latest atrocities against truth and justice, and offered to get together at the club for a drink. Keyes was grateful for their friendliness, but it made him feel odd. He was something of a stranger now, no longer entrusted with Serious Information, the currency of big-city journalism. Nonetheless, he was glad when they waved and said hello.

  This time Ricky Bloodworth was the first to corner him.

  "Tell me about Ernesto Cabal," he said breathlessly. "I'm doing a big weekender on the Harper case."

  "Can't help you, Rick. I'm sorry, but he's a client."

  Bloodworth's voice climbed to a whine. "You're talking like a lawyer now, not like the Brian I used to know."

  Keyes shrugged. Bloodworth was irrepressibly annoying.

  "At least tell me if you think he's guilty. Surely you can do that, cantcha?"

  "I think he's innocent," Keyes said.

  "Right," Bloodworth said with an exaggerated wink. "Sure, Brian." He scooted back to his desk.

  Keyes figured the cops hadn't told Bloodworth about the El Fuegoletters, which was just fine. Bloodworth would have gone nuts with that stuff, and then so would the city. Nothing like a little panic to muck up an investigation.

  Cab Mulcahy was waiting in his office. Slate-colored suit, crisp white shirt, navy tie. Same civilized handshake, same crinkly smile. And there was the coffeepot steaming on the corner of the desk. Same place it had been the night Brian Keyes had walked in with his resignation.

  "It was good of you to come on short notice. Mind if I close the door?"

  "Not at all, Cab." Keyes had been surprised to get the message on his beeper; he'd been wondering about it all afternoon. A new job offer—that was his best guess. But why would the Sunwant him back? The place was crawling with raw talent, kids who were plenty tough enough.

  "Cab, are you going to ask me to come back to work?"

  Mulcahy smiled kindly and shifted in his chair. "To be honest, Brian, I hadn't thought about it. But if you're interested, I'm sure we can—"

  "No. No, I'm not." Keyes wondered why he didn't feel more relieved. "I was just curious."

  "I called you," Mulcahy said, "because I want to hire you as a private investigator. We have a very sensitive case. You're the only one who can handle it."

  Keyes was well-versed in the rudimentary techniques of bullshitting that the Suntaught all its top editors. The phrase "You're the only one who can do it" generally translated to "No one else will touch it." But this time Mulcahy did not appear to be shoveling anything. He appeared to be genuinely upset.

  "Brian, Skip Wiley has disappeared."

  Keyes did not move a muscle. He just looked at Mulcahy; a look of disappointment, if not betrayal. Cab Mulcahy had been afraid this might happen. He had dreaded it, but there was no other way.

  "I'm sorry, Brian. I'd never ask unless we were desperate."

  "Disappeared?"

  "Vanished. They found his car yesterday in the middle of 1-95. He didn't show up at home last night."

  Home.Keyes chuckled: Come on, Cab, just say it, I'm not going to break down in tears. Wiley didn't show up at Jenna'slast night. God, the old man was funny sometimes, Keyes thought. Trying to spare me a little pain. It was two years ago that Jenna had dumped him for Wiley—Wiley, of all people! Why couldn't it have been an artist, or a concert musician, or some anorexic-looking poet from the Grove? Anyone but Skip Wiley—and right in the bitter worst of the Callie Davenport business. What a couple: Jenna, who adored Godunov and Bergman; and Wiley, who once launched a write-in campaign to get Marilyn Chambers an Oscar.

  "Did you call the cops?" Keyes asked.

  Mulcahy shook his head and reached for the coffee. "We decided not to. I've pretty much ruled out foul play." He told Keyes about Wiley's eccentric behavior, and about his visit to the psychiatrist the day before.

  "So you think he's hiding out?"

  "I do. So does Dr. Courtney."

  Remond Courtney's opinions didn't carry much weight with Brian Keyes, who knew something of the doctor's meager talent. In the aftermath of the terrible 727 crash, when Keyes was being fingered by imaginary severed limbs, Dr. Courtney had advised him, by way of therapy, to get a job as an air-traffic controller.

  "Forget that idiot shrink," Keyes said. "What about Jenna? What does she think?"

  Mulcahy said, "She's pretty worried. She thinks Skip might do something crazy."

  "Would that surprise you, Cab? Wiley may be talented, prolific, tough as hell—all the things you people put a premium on—but he's also a card-carrying flake. He could be anywhere. Vegas, Nassau, Juarez, who knows? Why don't you just wait a few days? He'll get so miserable not seeing his byline in the paper that he'll rush right back with a stack of fresh columns."

  "I don't think so," Mulcahy said. "I hope you're right but I just don't think so. I need him back now, here—where we can keep an eye on him."

  So that's it, Keyes thought. Mulcahy was worried less about Wiley's well-being than about all the trouble a man like that could create. Wiley presented an explosive public-relations problem for the Miami Sun;no newspaper can afford to have its star columnist turn up as the proverbial sniper in the schoolyard.

  And in Skip Wiley's case, another factor loomed large: he had an enormous public following. If his column didn't appear for a few days running, lots of readers would stop
buying the Sun.If the days turned into weeks, the attrition would show up in the next ABC audits. And if that happened, Cab Mulcahy would have to answer to the highest possible authority; good journalism is fine, but circulation is sacred. No wonder Mulcahy was nervous.

  "You know him better than any of us," Mulcahy said. "You sat next to him in the newsroom for three years. You recognize his moods, how he thinks, if hethinks ... "

  "I haven't seen him since I left the paper."

  Mulcahy leaned forward. "He hasn't changed that much, Brian. True, his behavior is a bit more extreme, and his writing is certainly more irresponsible, but he's still the same Skip Wiley."

  "Cab, you're talking to the worst possible person. You ought to know that: I can't take this case. I'm not ready to deal with him." Keyes stood up to leave. "Why, Cab? Why would you do this to me?"

  "Because Jenna asked for you."

  Keyes sat down hard. His heart was skipping along nicely now. All he could think was: Cab better not be lying.

  "I told her I didn't think it was fair," Mulcahy said with a sigh. "But she's very worried about him. She said it would be a great favor if I asked you to look into it, and not some stranger."

  Keyes knew it wouldn't do any good to lecture himself about Jenna, and it was pointless to act like he was going to waltz out of Mulcahy's office and forget the whole thing. The old man was right—it wasn't fair.

  Mulcahy was careful not to go on too much about Jenna. "Please, Brian, will you try to find Wiley? We'll pay you five hundred a day, plus expenses."

  "Jesus, you guys are really scared of what he might do!"

  Mulcahy nodded glumly. "He's got a considerable temper, as you know. Watching him these last few months has been unsettling, to say the least. I'm sure you read the infamous hurricane column, or maybe some of the others. 'Rats as Big as Bulldogs Stalk Condo.' 'Snakes Infest Bathroom Plumbing at Posh Resort.' 'Mystery Disease Sweeps Shuffle-board Tourney.' Wiley was very shrewd about it. One day he'd write a rousing Good Samaritan column, then a funny man-on-the-street piece, then a tearjerker about some little kid with cancer ... and then he'd quietly slip in one of those gems. He became single-minded about it. He became...perverse." The editor lowered his voice. "I think this disappearance is part of a plan. I think he intends to embarrass the newspaper in some extraordinary way."