Tourist Season

by Carl Hiassen

  "Fidel Castro."

  "Yeah," Keyes said. "Well, some maniac tried to bite it off one night in the shower. Thought if he chomped off Ernesto's dick, it would kill the real Fidel in Havana. Witchcraft, he said. Somehow Ernesto got away from the guy, but he was scared out of his mind. He said he'd do anything to get out of jail. So when Klein told him he'd better plan on twenty-five to life, I guess Ernesto figured he was better off dead."

  "But Brian—"

  "Why didn't that cocksucker Klein talk to me before he went over to the jail? That case wasn't locked, no way. You know I'm right, Al."

  "All I know," the detective said, "is that we'll never know. You gotta calm down, brother."

  Keyes closed his eyes. "Maybe I'm just mad at myself. I should have told Klein about El Fuegoas soon as I saw the second letter. But how was I to know the sonofabitch was in such a hurry to dump the case? Whoever heard of pleading your man five days after the goddamn crime?"

  "He thought it was a loser," Garcia said. "He was just trying to expedite things."

  Keyes sat up angrily, looking ragged.

  "Expedite things, huh? Well, he expedited his client right into the morgue."

  Garcia shrugged. "You hungry?"

  "I thought you were here to arrest me."

  "Naw. Klein's making noises about pressing charges. Assault with a deadly cocktail fork, something like that. Fortunately for you, nobody at the state attorney's office likes the little prick, so he's having trouble getting a warrant. He'd probably forget all about it if you'd pay his hospital bill. Can't be much—what's six little sutures on the tongue?"

  Keyes smiled for the first time. "I suppose it's the least I could do."

  "Make him an offer," Garcia advised. "If you're lucky, you might not even have to say you're sorry."

  "What about the Harper case?"

  "You read the paper. It's closed, man. Nothing I can do."

  "But what about Bellamy and the other Fuegoletter?"

  "Talk to Missing Persons," Garcia said dryly, "and they'll call it a probable accidental drowning. And they'll say, 'What letter?'"

  The detective lumbered around the office, poking at books and files, flipping through notebooks, taking up time. Keyes could tell that something was bugging him.

  "For what it's worth," Garcia said finally, "I agree with you. There's more to the Harper murder than the late great Ernesto Cabal. I bitched and moaned about keeping the case open, but I got outvoted."

  "What're they afraid of?"

  "It's the start of the season," Garcia said. "Snowbirds on the wing, tourist dollars, my friend. What's everyone so afraid of? Empty hotel rooms, that's what. A gang of homicidal kidnappers is not exactly a PR man's dream, is it? The boys at the Chamber of Commerce would rather drink Drano than read El Fuegoheadlines. Not now, Brian, not during the season."

  "So that leaves me the Lone Ranger," said Keyes.

  "I'll do what I can," Garcia said, "quietly."

  "Great. Can you get the state to pay my fee?" The detective laughed.

  "No, Kemosabe, but I got you a present. An honest-to-God clue. Remember the tag on the Cadillac at Pauly's Bar?"

  "Sure," Keyes said. "GATOR 2."

  "Well, guess who it comes back to."

  "The legendary Viceroy Wilson!"

  "Nope. The Seminole Nation of Florida, Incorporated."

  "Swell," Keyes said, flopping back on the couch. "That's some swell clue, Tonto."

  Cab Mulcahy arrived at work early, canceled two appointments, and asked his secretary to please hold all calls, except one. For the next three hours Mulcahy sat in his office and eyed the telephone. He loosened his necktie and pretended to work on some correspondence, but finally he just closed the drapes (to shield himself from the rest of the newsroom) and sat down in a corner chair. Through the window, Biscayne Bay was radiant with a sailboat regatta; Hobies skimmed and sliced fierce circles, leaping each other's wakes, orange and lemon sails snapping in the warm morning breeze. It was a gorgeous race under an infinite blue sky, but Cab Mulcahy paid no attention. It was one of the darkest days of his career. Ricky Bloodworth's column had turned out just as half-baked, unfocused, and banal as Mulcahy knew it would be. Yet he had thrown away twenty-two years of integrity and printed it anyway.

  Why?

  To flush Skip Wiley from his hideout.

  It had seemed like a good plan. No sense blaming Keyes.

  But what had Mulcahy done? He'd unleashed a monster, that's what. He glanced again at the phone. Where the hell was Wiley? How could he sit still while a jerk like Bloodworth came after his job?

  Mulcahy pondered one plausible explanation: Skip Wiley was dead. That alone would account for this silence. Perhaps a robber had snatched him from his car on the expressway and killed him. It was not a pleasant scenario, but it certainly answered the big question. Mulcahy figured that death was the only thing that would slow Wiley down on a day like today. The more Cab Mulcahy thought about this possibility, the more he was ashamed of his ambivalence.

  He could hear the phone ringing every few minutes outside the door, at his secretary's desk. Readers, he thought, furious readers. How could he tell them, yes, he agreed, Bloodworth's writing was disgraceful. Yes, it's a bloody travesty. Yes, he's a congenital twit and we've got no business publishing crap like that.

  Much as he wanted to, Mulcahy could never say all that, because journalism was not the issue here.

  There was a firm, well-rehearsed knock on the door. Before Mulcahy could get up, Ricky Bloodworth stuck his head in the room.

  "I hate it when you do that," Mulcahy said.

  "Sorry." Bloodworth handed him a stack of columns. "Thought you might want to take a gander at these."

  "Fine. Go away now."

  "Sure, Mr. Mulcahy. Are you feeling okay?"

  "A little tired, that's all. Please shut the door behind you."

  "Any one of those could run tomorrow," Bloodworth said. "They're sort of timeless."

  "I'll keep that in mind."

  Mulcahy sagged behind his desk and scanned the columns. With each sentence he grew queasier. Bloodworth had generously penciled his own headline ideas at the top of each piece:

  "Abortion: What's the Big Deal?"

  "Capital Punishment: Is the Chair Tough Enough?"

  "Vietnam: Time to Try Again?"

  Mulcahy was aghast. He buzzed his secretary.

  "Seventy-seven calls about today's column," she reported. "Only three persons seemed to like it, and one of them thought it was satire."

  "Has anyone phoned," Mulcahy asked, "who remotely soundedlike Mr. Wiley?"

  "I'm afraid not."

  Mulcahy's stomach was on fire; the coffee was going down like brake fluid. He opened the curtains and balefully scouted the newsroom. Ricky Bloodworth was back at his desk, earnestly interviewing two husky men in red fez hats. Mulcahy felt on the verge of panic.

  "Get me Brian Keyes," he told his secretary. Enough was enough—he'd given Keyes his lousy twenty-four hours. Now it was time to find Skip Wiley, dead or alive.

  How's the fish?" Jenna said.

  "Very good," said Brian Keyes.

  "It's a grouper. The man at the market promised it was fresh. How's the lemon sauce?"

  "Very good," Keyes said.

  "It's a little runny."

  "It's fine, Jenna."

  She lowered her eyes and gave a shy smile that brought back a million memories. A smile designed to pulverize your heart. For diversion, Keyes took a fork and studiously cut the fish into identical bite-size squares.

  "I liked your hair better when it was shaggy," Jenna said. "Now you look like an insurance man."

  "I'm in court so much these days. Gotta look straight and reliable up on the witness stand."

  Keyes wondered how much small talk would be necessary to finesse the awkward questions: Where've you been? What've you been up to? Did you get our Christmas card? He was no good at small talk, and neither was Jenna. Jenna liked to get right
to the juicy stuff.

  "Are you seeing anybody?"

  "Not right now," Keyes said.

  "I heard you were dating a lady lawyer. Sheila something-or-other."

  "She moved," Keyes said, "to Jacksonville. Got on with a good firm. We're still friendly." Surely, he thought, Jenna could see how uncomfortable this was.

  "So you're living alone," she said, not unkindly.

  "Most nights, yeah."

  "You could call, just to say hi."

  "Skip doesn't like it," Keyes said.

  "He wouldn't mind," Jenna said, "every now and then."

  But in fact, when Jenna had first dumped him for Skip Wiley, Brian Keyes had phoned every night for three weeks, lovesick and miserable. Finally Wiley had started answering Jenna's telephone and singing "When You Walk Through a Storm." Immediately Keyes had quit calling.

  "You look like you've lost about eight pounds," Jenna remarked, studying him across the table.

  "Nine," Keyes said, impressed. "You look very good." The understatement of the century.

  She had come straight from her jazz exercise class, which she taught four times a week. She was wearing a lavender Danskin, pink knit leg warmers, and white sneakers. Her blond hair was bobbed up, and she wore tiny gold earrings that caught the light each time she turned her head. Keyes noticed a fresh hint of lipstick, and the taste of an elusive perfume. As if all that weren't enough, she had a terrific new tan, which fascinated Keyes because Jenna was not a beach person.

  "It's been a while since you've been here," she said, pouring white wine.

  "You've really done some work on the place."

  "Damage, you mean. It's Skip, mostly."

  Keyes pointed to a cluster of pockmarks high on the living-room wall, beneath a stuffed largemouth bass. "Are those bullet holes?"

  "Now, don't get all worried."

  Keyes got up for a closer look. "Looks like a .38."

  "He got mad one night watching the TV news. The governor was talking about growth, how growth was so essential. The governor was saying how one thousand new people move to Florida every day. Skip's opinion about that was considerably different than the governor's. Skip didn't think the governor should have been quite so happy."

  "Why did he shoot the wall?" Keyes asked.

  "Because he couldn't bring himself to shoot the TV—it's a brand-new Trinitron," Jenna said. "I forgot you don't like spinach."

  "It's fine. Jenna, why is there a coffin in your living room?"

  "I know, I know. I hate it, too. Skip says it makes a good cocktail table. He bought it at the flea market. He keeps his newspaper clippings inside there."

  "That's a bit odd, don't you think?" Keyes said.

  "At the very least he should get it refinished."

  Keyes ate faster. This was more traumatic than he had feared. Meeting in her house—the place she shared with Wiley—had not been Keyes's idea. Jenna had insisted. She had wanted to be here, she said, in case Skip called.

  If Jenna seemed genuinely worried about her lover's whereabouts, Keyes was not. His heart was with the Ernesto Cabal case—what was left of it—and tracking Skip Wiley was just a sporting way to pass some time, pay some bills ... and see Jenna again.

  Keyes had a simple theory about Wiley's disappearance. He figured Skip had orchestrated the whole thing to gouge a fatter salary out of the Miami Sun.Wiley's usual strategy, when he wanted more money, was to arrange for friends at the Washington Postand the New York Timesto call up with phony or wildly inflated job offers. Then he'd charge into Cab Mulcahy's office and threaten to defect. Mulcahy quit falling for the Fantastic Job Offer ruse about two years ago, so Keyes figured Wiley was merely trying out a new scheme.

  Keyes also now realized that the idea of publishing a Ricky Bloodworth column might have backfired, and that Wiley was holed up somewhere, howling with glee over Mulcahy's torment. Keyes now believed—though he dared not tell Mulcahy—that Wiley might wait weeks before emerging. He might wait until his readers began rioting.

  And Keyes also believed that Jenna might be in on it.

  "Did you love me, Brian?"

  "Yes." He started to gag. He hoped it was just a fish bone going down the wrong way. Jenna came around the table and patted him on the back.

  "Deep breaths," she said soothingly. "Don't eat so fast."

  "Why," Keyes rasped, "did you ask me that question?"

  "Skip says you were madly in love with me."

  "I told you that myself," Keyes said, "about thirty thousand times."

  "I remember, Brian."

  God, there's the smile.

  "How about now?" Jenna asked. "Still feel the same way?"

  Oh no, you don't. Keyes shifted into a tough-guy mode. "This is business, Jenna. Let's talk about Skip. Where do you think he could be?"

  "Idon't know."

  "Oh really."

  "Brian! This isn't funny. I think he's in trouble. I think somebody's got him."

  "Why?"

  "Because he's a good target," Jenna said. She started clearing the table. "You sit still, I'll do this. Let's see, you take your coffee black ... "

  "Cream and sugar," Keyes said painfully. "But I think I'll wait."

  "Okay. As I was saying, Skip's a very well-known person, a genuine celebrity. That makes him a perfect target for kidnappers. Look at Patty Hearst."

  "Or Frank Sinatra, Jr.," Keyes said.

  "Exactly."

  "You ever read The Ransom of Red Chief?"

  "Sure," Jenna said. "What are you getting at?"

  "Nothing."

  Every so often Keyes's attention was drawn to the coffin, which dominated Jenna's otherwise-cozy living room. The coffin was plain and vanilla-colored, made of smooth Dade County pine. A pauper's coffin. Jenna had done a valiant job of trying to disguise it as normal furniture. She had placed cocktail coasters neatly on each corner of the lid, and in the center she had stationed a blue Ming vase with fresh-cut sunflowers. For more camouflage she had added a thick stack of magazines, with Town and Countryon top. Despite all this, there was no mistaking the coffin for anything else. Keyes wondered morbidly if he ought to peek inside, just to make sure Wiley wasn't there.

  "There's been no ransom demand, has there?" he asked Jenna.

  "Not yet. Let's sit on the couch." Jenna put a James Taylor album on the stereo and went into the bedroom. When she came out, her hair was down and she was barefoot.

  "If Skip wasn't kidnapped," she said, "then maybe Cab's right. Maybe he just went crazy and wandered off." She curled up on the couch. "I wish I had a fireplace."

  "It's seventy-four degrees outside," Keyes said.

  "What happened to my young romantic?"

  Keyes smiled bashfully; God, she never let up. He fought to keep a proper tone to his voice. "Is there a possibility ... have you two been getting along?"

  "Better than ever," Jenna said. "We made love the afternoon he left. Twice!"

  "Oh."

  "Right there, where you're sitting."

  "Sorry I asked."

  Keyes kept waiting for Jenna to say: I know how hard it was for you to take this case.But she never did, and gave no sign of comprehending his distress.

  "You've got to find him, Brian. I don't want to get the police involved, and I don'twant a lot of publicity. It could ruin his career."

  Or cinch it, Keyes mused. He asked, "Do you think he's gone insane?"

  "I'm not sure I'd know the difference." Jenna took off her earrings and laid them on the coffin. Elegantly she poured herself another glass of wine. Keyes sipped cautiously. The Chablis gave a dangerous urgency to his loneliness.

  Jenna said, "Lately Skip's been wilder than usual. He wakes up ranting and goes to bed ranting. You know, the usual stuff: toxic waste, oil spills, the California condor, the Biscayne Aquifer. Armageddon in general. About a week ago a man came to the door selling time-shares in Key Largo, and Skip attacked him with a marlin gaff."

  Keyes asked, "Does he get incoherent?"
<
br />   Jenna laughed softly. "Never. He's a very cogent person, even when he's violent. He always makes perfect sense."

  "Well, if he's been kidnapped—which I doubt—all we can do is wait for a ransom demand. But if he's off somewhere in a frenzy, we've got to find him before he really hurts someone. Jenna, I need some ideas. Where the hell could he be?"

  "The wilderness," she said wistfully, gazing at her imaginary fireplace. "That's where to start."

  "You mean the Everglades."

  "Where else? What other wilderness is there? The rest is all gone."

  Jenna was vice-secretary of the local Sierra Club, so Keyes knew it wouldn't take much to launch her off on a big speech. He had to be careful. "Jenna, the Everglades are three times bigger than Rhode Island," he said. "I'll need a few more clues."

  "Oh, I don't know," she said. The wine was almost gone. She went to the refrigerator and opened another bottle.

  Remembering Jenna drunk, Keyes thought: This could be promising.

  "I've got an idea," Jenna said as she filled their glasses. "Here, hold this." Quickly she cleared the top of the coffin, uprooting the vase, collecting the coasters, sweeping the magazines to the carpet. Then she unfastened the clasps and opened the lid. She'd been telling the truth: the coffin was full of newspaper clippings.

  Jenna dropped to her knees, the wineglass poised in her left hand. Methodically she began to explore Skip Wiley's unusual personal library. "A few months back," she said, "he did a column about a place near the dike."

  Keyes knelt next to her and joined the search. Concentration was impossible, Jenna looking the way she did, smelling so warm and familiar.

  "He used to go fishing at this place," she was saying, "when he was a boy. Not long ago he discovered that they'd built a huge development right there, next to the old dike on the edge of the Glades. A retirement community, they called it. Stocked with three thousand geezers from Jersey. Skip was livid."

  "I remember the column," Keyes said. " 'Varicose Village.' "