Don't Worry, Life Is Easy

by Agnes Martin-Lugand

  “Abby, I’m so sorry; I shouldn’t have…”

  “It’s fine… we have something in common and I know it’s the right time to talk to you about it. Before, when you lived here, would have been too soon, but today… maybe it will help you…”

  “How did you manage to take care of children who weren’t your own?”

  “Oh, there was a lot of shouting and tears! At the beginning, I didn’t want to allow myself to be Judith’s mother; I just wanted to be her aunt, and most especially, I didn’t want to think I was stealing someone else’s children. I was distant to her. She made things easy for me by being a good baby, too good. She didn’t cry, never demanded anything; she could stay in her bed and not make a sound. When you think how she turned out…”

  She stopped talking and laughed. So did I. Imagining Judith quiet and subdued seemed absurd.

  “Now Edward was another story… He goaded us… threw one fit after the other, broke everything…”

  Nothing unusual there.

  “Jack knew how to manage him, but I did nothing; I didn’t want to see that he was crying out for me to help him and his sister.”

  “What happened to change things?”

  “My wonderful Jack… One evening, after Edward flew into a rage for the hundredth time, he threatened to send them back to my brother, because I really didn’t want to take care of them. For the only time in our life, we slept in separate rooms that night. I realized I was about to lose everything: my husband and my children—because, yes, they were my children. The good Lord had sent them to me and no one considered me a thief…”

  “You’re an amazing woman…”

  “No more amazing than any woman… you’ll get there too, you will.”

  “I don’t think so…”

  “Let life do its work.”

  Abby and Jack spent the entire evening sharing their memories with me by showing me their photo albums. I was coming to understand this family’s history.

  7

  I heard Judith before I saw her.

  “Where is she, the little slut?” she shouted from the front door.

  “We warned you she was in good form!” Jack said as he entered the living room.

  I stood up from the couch to watch her arrival. She spotted me, pointed her finger at me, saying: “You, you, you,” over and over again. Then, without sparing me her piercing look, she planted a big kiss on Jack’s cheek before heading for me.

  “You little… you’re nothing more than a… oh, shit!”

  She threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug.

  “You know you’re going to get an earful from me, don’t you?”

  “And I missed you too, Judith.”

  She let go of me, sniffled, took me by the shoulders, and looked me up and down.

  “You’ve got some flesh on your bones. Wow!”

  “And you’re just as spectacular as ever!”

  “I’m keeping the legend alive.”

  It was the absolute truth. Judith looked amazing, unbelievably sexy, with a mischievous look in her eyes that would melt the toughest of men. Even her brother was prey in her trap. Abby came over and hugged us both. Judith gave me a wink that was both affectionate and complicit.

  “I have my two daughters with me.”

  My uneasiness must have been apparent.

  “Don’t make that face, Diane. What Abby said is true. And besides, you were this close to becoming my sister…”

  I’d forgotten how formidable they were when they ganged up together. We all burst out laughing.

  That day was spent as if we were at a reunion. We took turns laughing, crying, and hearing Judith tease me. Judith and I shared the task of consoling Abby. She looked ten years younger; in just a few hours, every trace of her illness had disappeared: her face was relaxed, she had all her energy back and she no longer seemed depressed. Judith and I had to fight with her so she’d let us take care of making supper, that’s how well she felt. That evening, two more people would be joining us: Edward and Declan. I refused to think about it.

  A large part of the afternoon was taken up with preparing the meal; I got a real lesson in Irish gastronomy, learning how to make rye bread and authentic Irish stew. At that moment, I thought they were right: I was with my mother and sister. A sister with whom I’d been doing silly things as if we were fifteen years old, and our mother who told us off. Every now and again, Jack tried to enter our ladies’ den, but invariably turned back.

  Judith got out her cell phone to immortalize the moment. Abby took part in the fun, laughing, and so did I. We took selfies of the three of us in gales of laughter. I was playing the fool when the door opened. Declan and Edward.

  “Judith!” cried Declan.

  “Hey, if it isn’t my favorite little snotty-nosed kid! Now, what did I tell you?”

  “Hello, Aunt Judith,” he obediently replied, before throwing his arms around her neck.

  Hearing this made me laugh so hysterically that doubled over. I hadn’t laughed so hard in years.

  “Has anyone ever seen Diane in such a state?” asked Abby, also in stitches.

  “It’s Judith’s fault!” I managed to say. “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You put your feet on the table and then make him call you that?”

  “Wait, I’ll try to be more classy.”

  Edward followed my lead, laughing as well. It was the first time since I’d seen him again that he looked relaxed and smiling. I wanted to look away. I did, but met Declan’s gaze. He was still clinging onto Judith. He gave me a big smile and waved.

  “Hello, Declan.” I said softly.

  “Now, boys and girls, back to work! Girls, in the kitchen; Edward, you’re going to take some real pictures of us!” Abby ordered.

  He looked at her as if she were from outer space.

  “Use your talent for your family, for once. Do it for me.”

  “Only because it’s for you,” he grumbled.

  He was about to leave the kitchen when Declan called him.

  “Daddy, wait!”

  Everyone looked at him. He squirmed out of Judith’s arms so his feet hit the ground. She finally let him go.

  “Can I help you?” he asked Edward, going over to him.

  “Come to the car with me.”

  The way he smiled at his father made it clear how much he already loved him. A few minutes later, he was Edward’s assistant, handing him whatever he needed. Judith’s clowning around and the simple pleasure of making Abby happy were enough to block out my uneasiness at their presence, or at least to come to terms with it. Jack also joined us, pouring us each some Guinness. He sat down and clinked glasses with his wife. Declan ran around the table laughing. Judith cleared away all the mess and I took charge of washing the dishes. We were all talking at the same time, about everything and nothing, simply excited by the joy of being there. When I’d finished the dishes, I leaned against the kitchen counter and drank my beer. I caught Edward looking at me—I felt that time had stopped. I wanted to look away, but couldn’t. What could he be thinking about? As for me, it was impossible to clearly know what was running through my mind. Then, suddenly, he clenched his teeth and the bubble burst. He was looking for his son; Declan was staring at his father’s camera on the kitchen counter as if it were some kind of treasure.

  “Don’t touch; it’s easily broken.”

  You could see the disappointment on the little boy’s face. It was even worse when Edward went outside to put everything away in the car without asking him to help and without saying a word to anyone. He was gone for ages, which seemed to make Declan anxious. He stared at the kitchen door, jumped at the slightest sound, as if he were keeping watch. When he heard his father come back inside the house, his face relaxed and he could smile again.

  When we went to sit down at the table, Declan insisted on sitting next to me. There was no way I could refuse. After all I’d already gone through, I could manage that. Edward was about to scold him but I stopped him.
>
  “It’s fine,” I said, smiling.

  The atmosphere during dinner was fun, convivial, and domestic. Life had spared no one at the table, the others most especially, given Abby’s recent illness. Yet everyone tried to bounce back, to live, to be content to have some happy moments; a mixture of the instinct to survive and an acceptance of fatality. They’d welcomed me with all my screw-ups and still did. I was with them and it felt good. But a part of me would have preferred to feel less at home; the separation was going to be difficult, I already knew that. The more I needed to move forward with my life in Paris—to be sure I had completely erased the past—the more complicated it would be to think of them so far away. That was the ironic effect of this reunion. Judith forced me out of my shell.

  “Should we head to the pub later?”

  “If you like.”

  “Out of the question to miss an opportunity to live it up with you! On the other hand, try not to end up the way you did last time!”

  “If you could manage not to remind me of that scene, I’d be grateful.”

  But given the malicious smile on her face, I understood she wasn’t going to stop there. She elbowed Edward.

  “Hey, bro, you remember when we had to go and get her?”

  He murmured something quietly. Both he and I remembered it perfectly.

  “Tell us what happened, children,” Abby cut in, all excited.

  “Diane could barely stand up. Edward gave it to some guy who was all over her. He had to carry her out over his shoulder. You would have died laughing; she was waving her arms and legs all over the place trying to fight him but Edward didn’t budge; he was unstoppable.”

  Abby and Jack looked at us, one after the other, then burst out laughing. We also looked at each other, embarrassed at first, but finally joining in with the general laughter.

  “What does that mean, to give him one?” Declan asked.

  “It means to fight,” Judith replied.

  “Wow, daddy, you got into a fight?”

  “As if it had been the only time…” Jack chipped in. “Your father was already getting into fights when he was your age, sonny!”

  “Why are you telling him that?” Edward replied.

  “Will you teach me, daddy?”

  Father and son looked at each other. For the first time, Edward gave an affectionate look to Declan before turning to his sister.

  “Go now, if you like, I’ll clean up here.”

  He stood up, stroked his son’s hair and asked him to help clear the table. It was more than I could bear; I stared at them until they disappeared into the kitchen. Judith cleared her throat.

  “Ready to rave it up?”

  “More than ready!”

  We each kissed Abby and Jack, who thanked us for such a wonderful evening. Edward and Declan came out of the kitchen and Judith went over to kiss them. All I did was give them a wave.

  “Be sensible,” Edward told us.

  “You won’t have to get into a fight tonight,” I replied in a flash.

  And immediately regretted what I’d said.

  We got to the pub laughing and fooling around. Once inside, I couldn’t help thinking out loud.

  “It feels so good to be here!”

  “I knew you’d come back,” Judith said, teasing me.

  The barman gave us a big wave from behind the counter. We walked over to him, even though there was nowhere to sit. In a flash, he got us seated: he used his authority to move two customers so we could have their barstools. Without even asking us, he brought us each a pint of Guinness. Saturday night in the pub with live music. The band kept playing and everyone enjoyed it. We joined the other customers who were singing as loud as they could. I was back in the atmosphere I had loved so much… and which I hadn’t appreciated enough the year before.

  “I’ve got an extremely important question to ask you,” Judith suddenly said.

  “I’m listening.”

  “Is Felix still gay?”

  I burst out laughing.

  “More than ever,” I finally managed to say.

  “Shit! Because he’s the man of my dreams, you do realize that, don’t you?”

  She took me by the arm and led me back to our seats at the bar where she ordered our third or fourth pint, I was beginning to lose track! In the fifteen minutes that followed, I was treated to the latest adventures of Judith-who-falls-in-love-every-other-day. My phone rang, interrupting our conversation. It was Olivier.

  “Two seconds,” I said, then turning to Judith, “Sorry…”

  She gave me a mocking smile and nodded toward the place outside where all the smokers were gathered. I grabbed my cigarettes and walked through the pub, followed closely by Judith, who started talking to the other smokers.

  “Ok! I’m here.”

  “Where are you? It’s so noisy!”

  “At the pub with Judith. There’s live music every Saturday night.”

  “You found your friend?”

  “Yes, and we had a fantastic day. Abby was so happy, it was wonderful!”

  “You feel good there…”

  I felt a pang of guilt run through me; I’d forgotten to call him today because I was so happy to be with Judith again.

  “I do… but what about you, how are you?”

  “Everything’s fine here, all OK. I’m at home now, hanging around all by myself. I won’t bother you any more…”

  “You’re not bothering me, idiot!”

  “Have a great time. I just wanted to know that you were all right. And now I know! Lots of love.”

  “To you too. Until tomorrow; I’ll call you tomorrow, promise.”

  Judith must have been keeping an eye on me because as soon as I’d put my phone back in my pocket, she was right next to me.

  “So, how’s your man?”

  “He’s fine. Should we go back inside?”

  We went back to our seats at the bar; it was as if we were the guests of honor. Judith wasn’t going to drop the subject.

  “Is it serious between you?”

  “I don’t know, I think so… yes… in fact, it is…”

  “But what about my brother?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You don’t love him any more? And don’t try to tell me you didn’t love him before because I won’t believe you.”

  “Oh, Judith, please…”

  “We really do need to have this conversation!”

  I sighed.

  “I wasn’t ready for a relationship with him; I would have hurt him even more some day if I’d stayed.”

  “And now?”

  “Now more than a year has gone by. I started my life in Paris over again, I’m at home there, and I met someone I feel good with.”

  “I understand. I’m happy for you.”

  She finished her pint in one long gulp and ordered another round, but not without shooting me a sideways look.

  “What do you want to say?”

  “Well, it still must be really weird to see him again!”

  “I can’t deny that… But Judith, stop right now, don’t make it into a big thing…”

  “OK, OK! But you won’t convince me that you’re not dying of curiosity and want to know more…”

  “You’re right… I’m worried about him…”

  “You’re not the only one!”

  “I know…”

  “He deserves more than to be stuck with his son! How can he possibly get on with his life now?”

  “Is Declan being here a problem for you?”

  “Of course not. How could you not love that kid? I’m simply fed up seeing my bro getting tied up with one hassle after another. He’s jinxed! This isn’t a reproach, Diane, but he really was a fucking mess after you left…”

  I hung my head in shame. I had a flashback to the moment I told him I was leaving. I’d caused him so much suffering.

  “He threw himself into his work, body and soul; he was always off somewhere, he left Mulranny and everything that
could remind him of you. It was painful, but the right thing to do in the end; he was really cracking up. And then, bang, he runs into Declan’s mother! His first reaction was to see himself as the bad guy in the whole business… you know how principled he is! Fortunately, she was a good woman, serious and understanding. She never wanted Edward to know about it, she took away his sense of guilt and also brought him out of his shell, to be sure she could really entrust their son to him.”

  “I can understand her doing that; she didn’t really know him, after all!”

  I took a big gulp of beer and sighed.

  “But how is he, really? How does he feel about the situation he’s in?”

  “Diane, are you living in la-la land or something? Do you think he pours out his heart about his state of mind?”

  I couldn’t control myself and burst out laughing.

  “You see, you are curious!” she continued, laughing as well.

  “You’re right! Happy now?”

  “Absolutely! Listen though, what I can tell you is that he went slightly off the rails when he got the results of the paternity test. It had been years since I’d seen him in such a state!”

  “Meaning?”

  “He got well and truly plastered and locked himself in his house. It’s a miracle he didn’t drop down dead. I had to climb through the window to get inside. And then, I had to listen to him rambling on for hours… he ranted about everything: our father, that bitch Megan, Abby being sick, and you, you, you! Even though you’d left six months before and no one was allowed to mention your name without starting a nuclear war. He talked about your phone calls and messages…”

  I was startled; it all happened around the time I’d called…

  “And now?” I asked.

  “He’s more alive because of his son; he’s going to dedicate his life to him… he loves him madly, but what always makes him feel sick is the fact that he gave a child to a woman he didn’t love.”

  “I’d so like to do something to help him…”

  “Don’t pity him.”

  “That has nothing to do with it…”

  She smiled wryly.

  “I know that very well; I was teasing you… No matter what you say, there will always be something between you two; that’s just the way it is. You’ve both made your choices, you and him. You have someone. And he has his son, and that’s enough for him. But I think it would do you both a lot of good to talk about it… Come on, now; let’s have another round of drinks!”