“Two o’clock. We’re having lunch at Abby and Jack’s beforehand. Will you come?”
“If it’s possible, I’d rather meet you at the church.”
“I understand.”
Going to a funeral was not going to be easy for me; I needed to be alone to prepare myself. Edward put out his cigarette, went inside to say goodbye to Declan and left.
My time alone with Declan passed quickly; just long enough to get him cleaned up, help him get dressed, and listen to him tell me everything that happened at school in great detail. We were laughing and playing in the living room when Edward got back. His features were more drawn than when he left, his expression serious. He forced himself to smile at his son; I felt for him and more especially, I knew what he’d just gone through: seeing Abby put in the coffin. Our eyes met; I looked up to the heavens to stop myself from crying.
“Is there any coffee left?” he asked.
“Yes.”
I got up from the couch and went to join him at the kitchen counter. He was clenching his fists so tightly that you could see his veins standing out: his way of expressing pain. I delicately stroked his hands.
“It will be all right…” I whispered.
He gently put his arm around my waist, held me close, sighed, and buried his face in my hair. We were powerless to stop what was happening to us, all our precautions were thrown out the window. The room became strangely silent; I looked around and saw Declan; he was watching us out of the corner of his eye. Edward must have realized it too, for he suddenly let go of me and stepped back.
“Let’s go, Declan; Jack and Judith are waiting for us.”
“What about Diane?…”
“We’ll see her at the church.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, I’ll be there.”
He followed his father, glancing back at me over his shoulder. Edward ruffled his hair to get him to look where he was going. The front door slammed shut. I went upstairs to change into an outfit that was more appropriate: a black dress.
Around one o’clock, I forced myself to eat some bread, so I wouldn’t pass out. My stomach was in knots, but I wasn’t feeling panicky. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, holding my phone. Olivier picked up right away.
“I was waiting for you to call. How’s it going?”
“I have to leave for the church very soon; I’m holding up.”
I didn’t know what else to say to him. An eternity of silence passed between us.
“Do you want me to drop by the bookstore tonight and see how Felix is coping?”
“If you like… Have you kept going with the packing?”
“I’m almost finished at my place… I could get going on your apartment, to get ahead.”
“No, I don’t have a lot of stuff…”
“I have a patient who’s come in; I’ll have to go.”
“Good luck with work.”
“Call me when you can.”
“I will… take care.”
I hung up and breathed again. Being here distanced me from him. Our moving in together was being postponed indefinitely. But that wasn’t the most important part. I whistled for Postman Pat, who’d trotted off down the beach, to get him back in the house. When he was lying down, I put on my coat and scarf. No need for an umbrella; the sun had been shining over the cold, blue winter sky for more than an hour.
I walked for about ten minutes to get to the church, which stood in the middle of the cemetery. In the middle of the lawn, in the shadow of a Celtic cross, was the grave where Abby would be put to rest. As the church bells tolled, I felt a kind of insidious fear growing within me. How would I live through this funeral, or rather, survive it? Had I been overconfident about how strong I was? The last funeral I’d been to was for my husband and daughter. It was this fear that made me go inside by a little side door and sit discreetly at the back of the church.
The whole village was there, as well as a group of Judith’s friends whom I recognized from New Year’s Eve. I could make out Jack, Edward, Declan, and Judith. Like her brother, she’d made a real effort with her outfit. For the first time, she seemed fragile; very thin in her dark grey pinafore dress, wrapped in a black shawl, her lion’s mane pulled back into a simple ponytail. I wanted to go to her and hold her close to comfort her, but I didn’t let myself. Abby was already there, her coffin covered in flowers. Looking at it, I didn’t have the impression of having a wooden box in front of me. I felt her here with us. I noticed Jack out of the corner of my eye; he was walking all the way to the back of the church toward me.
“What are you doing there, hiding, all alone? Abby wouldn’t like that. Come on.”
He put large, strong arm around my shoulders and led me up the knave, holding me, to seat me in the first row. Judith threw her arms around my neck, crying her heart out. I finally broke down… which took a great weight off of me.
“She’s going to scold us if we continue like this!” she said, laughing and crying at the same time.
I took some tissues out of my pocket and wiped her cheeks before wiping mine; then I put a stray strand of her hair back in place. She moved over so I could sit down. I went past Declan, who was holding his father tightly around the waist, and sat down next to Edward, who took my hand in his, interlacing our fingers. The service began. I knew that Ireland was very religious, but their fervor surprised me; yet it didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, even though I didn’t believe in anything and had been brought up in the most absolute atheism. The two times I’d been to Mass were for my wedding and Colin and Clara’s funeral—my in-laws were religious.
Everyone was singing. It was beautiful, almost joyful, and created an atmosphere of profound peace. Death was sad but it was not an end in itself. That had a reassuring effect on me; I could hear Abby’s words again: “I’ll take care of them.” The only one who wasn’t singing was Edward, but his hoarse voice echoed in my ears with every prayer. Every now and again, he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb. When it was time to take Communion, he let go of me to take his turn, following Jack and Judith. I sat back down and Declan climbed onto my lap, his hands tight around my neck. I rocked him. Edward came back and found us like that; he sat down and put his arm around my shoulders. We formed a single person; Declan crying, sitting on my lap, between his father and me, my head leaning against Edward’s shoulder, his head resting on mine.
The moment I feared arrived: saying farewell to the departed. Everyone walked past. I clung more tightly to Edward, who held me even closer. When it was the family’s turn—and since I was one of the family—he stood up, took Declan, and held him in his arms. Then he offered me his hand; I clenched it tight. Standing in front of Abby’s coffin, he lovingly said goodbye to his aunt. Then he stepped aside so I could move forward, my hand in his, still holding his son. I placed my other hand on the wooden coffin and gently stroked it, a little smile on my face. The tears rushed down my face; I silently asked Abby to forgive me and entrusted Colin and Clara to her care. By this simple gesture—a gesture I’d refused to make for my beloved ones—I let them go, for I knew they were safe, especially my daughter. Thanks to Abby and the messages she had endlessly sent me, I finally accepted the idea that Clara would always be in my heart, that I had the right to a full, happy life, and that I would neither forget her nor betray her by living it. I no longer had to deny a part of myself. I felt Edward kissing my hair, and looked deep into his eyes. The intensity of the moment we shared was immeasurable. Declan was staring at us; I stroked his cheek. Then we went back to our seats. The service finished with “Amazing Grace,” which moved me deeply. I wished I was a believer at that moment. Everyone gradually left. We were the last ones to come out into the fresh air. The weather was so nice; a luminous winter sky, the invigorating cold, a wind that carried away our unhappiness. Declan slipped his hand in mine; he wanted to whisper something to me.
“I don’t want to stay here, Diane.”
His terrified eyes stared at the grav
es.
“I’ll see what I can do,” I replied.
I didn’t have to look for his father; he was right next to me.
“Declan wants to go now.”
“He can’t!”
“Please, let me take him away…”
He looked at his son with an expression that was both nervous and terribly worried. I decided to insist. Declan was still clutching my hand. He’d already suffered enough; the lioness in me took hold.
“He already knows how hard life can be for a child his age. Think about what he went through a few months ago; don’t make him see another person he loves disappear into the ground… Please… I can take care of him; and you should take care of your little sister, she’s the one who needs you,” I added, seeing Judith looking so forlorn.
He knelt down to his son’s level.
“You can go home with Diane, but first we have to see Jack together.”
We went and kissed Jack, who thought it was a very good idea that I take Declan for a walk. His strength was incredible, and contagious. Who would have the indecency to break down before such dignity? Before leaving, I hugged Judith tight for a few moments, with Declan still holding my hand. Edward walked us to the gate of the cemetery.
“I’ll come and find you later,” he said, his voice sounding slightly panicky.
I stroked his cheek; he closed his eyes.
“See you very soon.”
He turned around and put his arm around his sister and walked her to the graves. Their parents must also be there.
We quite naturally gravitated toward the beach, after letting out Postman Pat, who jumped all over his little master. I found a rock to sit on and lit a cigarette while they played. The ability children had to recover was breathtaking. Less than a quarter of an hour before, Declan had been terrified, traumatized, his eyes full of tears. All it had taken was his father’s agreement, my hand, and his dog to comfort him. After he’d let off some steam, he came over and sat down next to me.
“Why does everyone die?”
Why? If only I knew, I thought.
“You’re not alone, Declan, you have daddy, Jack, and Aunt Judith.”
“Yes, but what about you? Are you still going away? I really like it when you’re here.”
“Me too, I like being with you, but I don’t live in Mulranny.”
“That’s dumb!”
I sighed and held him in my arms. I could have answered Felix: I did love the “kid.” Far too much.
“Aren’t you cold?” asked Edward, when we heard him behind us.
He sat down next to his son and stared at the sea for a few seconds before looking at us. His eyes were slightly red.
“We’re going to Jack and Abby’s to warm up before you freeze. You’re the only ones not there. You must be hungry, right?” he asked his son.
Declan took off like a shot, which made us laugh. Edward helped me up.
“Are you all right?” I asked, worried.
“Better since I found you two. Thank you for forcing me to spare Declan; I wanted both of you with me, it was selfish.”
“No, it’s normal. But you chose what was best for your son. And we’re here now.”
When we got there about ten minutes later, I could see everyone was waiting for us, given the number of people shouting “There they are!”
The hours that followed were full of conviviality, warmth, and comfort. Everyone was talking, patting each other’s backs or holding hands, and recalling their memories of Abby in a loving atmosphere. Her generosity, her joie de vivre had touched everyone there. She had been a mother, a grandmother, a best friend, a nanny… Jack, through his kindness towards everyone, had been handed the torch, and didn’t allow himself to be overwhelmed by his pain. He was proud, but I caught him looking into the distance several times, or instinctively stroking the plaid blanket that covered his wife’s rocking chair. I remembered that feeling of loneliness when Colin and Clara died, even though I had flown into a rage and refused to accept reality; everyone comes to see you, tries to console you, but nothing works, you still feel empty. I was helping Judith in the kitchen; we were the two young women of the household. Declan ran between the guests, dashing here and there but regularly coming in to make sure I was still there. Edward and I continually tried to catch each other’s eye; I sensed he was always close by and I was overcome by a need to make sure he was all right. At no time did I ever feel like a stranger in this community that was mourning the loss of one of its members. Quite the contrary, everyone naturally made me feel I was one of them, whether I wanted to be or not, regardless of my actual address. I was linked to the sadness of Jack, Judith, Edward, and Declan. To all these town people, I was part of the family. I could feel it in the way they looked at me, how they talked to me, how worried they were about me. A part of me was filled with happiness because of this recognition, this new feeling of belonging to a clan; but another part was drowning in sadness. I didn’t, and would never, live among them. I’d rebuilt my life in Paris, where Olivier, Felix, and the bookstore were waiting for me. I would only have fleeting moments with this family, and no matter how wonderful they were, those moments didn’t last. I looked at Edward, who was talking with a couple from the village. For a moment, I could barely breathe. Could I continue to repress my feelings for him for another two days? I needed to get some air; I discreetly went outside. While smoking a cigarette that I hoped would relax me, I forced myself to calm the pounding of my heart. It was dark, the cold air had become biting; I hugged myself to warm up. Deep inside, I wished for just one thing, and it happened.
“Are you all right?” asked Edward, who had come out to find me.
I shrugged my shoulders in reply. He lit a cigarette, held it between his lips as he took off his jacket; he put it around my shoulders. I looked up at him; he was staring out into space. We stayed there until we’d finished our cigarettes without saying another word. What good would it have done?
When we got back inside, I noticed that Declan was stretched out on the couch, fighting to keep his little eyes open.
“Look at your son, he’s asleep on his feet… I could take him home. You stay with Jack and Judith a little longer.”
“Are you sure?”
Without replying, I walked over to Declan and suggested we go home; he agreed immediately. I took his hand and went with him to say goodbye to Jack and Judith. He gave them each a big hug. Jack took me in his arms.
“Will you come and see me tomorrow?” he asked.
“Of course, I won’t leave before spending some time with you.”
“Oh… I won’t keep you long; I’d rather you took advantage of being with them,” he replied, nodding toward father and son.
I gave him a little smile before hugging Judith. Then I joined Edward, who was giving us a lift home before coming back. The owner of the pub and his wife stopped in front of us and offered us a ride in their car. Edward was about to refuse when I cut in.
“Thank you very much, that’s very kind.”
Then I turned to Edward, who looked more annoyed than ever.
“Don’t worry, you’ll be with us soon…”
He sighed and gave in, but insisted on walking us to the car. Declan climbed in first, into the back, while Edward thanked our driver. He didn’t drag it out, and came back over to me before I got in the car. I anticipated his reaction.
“We’re not going to disappear, we’re going back to your place and get into bed. Spend some time with Jack and Judith. Your son and I are fine.”
He put his arm around my waist and pulled me toward him, kissing my forehead for a long time.
“See you back home,” he whispered in my hair.
Those few words succeeded in echoing the feelings and desires I had buried deep in my soul.
Declan and I got home safe and sound. Postman Pat was barking his head off behind the door. The poor thing… I opened the door and he jumped all over us before heading off to the beach in the darkness of night.
I took Declan upstairs where he put on his pajamas without saying a word and obediently brushed his teeth while I got his bed ready. He came back into his bedroom and slipped under the covers, still in silence, an anxious, inscrutable expression on his face.
“I’ll stay with you.”
I knelt down, stroked his hair, humming the lullaby, while he pressed his face against his mother’s scarf. The day had been exhausting; he couldn’t fight it. I put my head next to his on the pillow and looked at him. This child was so brave, he faced the challenges life threw him without complaining, or hardly ever! I so wanted to protect him and offer him the carefree life of a child. It was essential to do everything possible so he would be spared in future. When I was certain he was fast sleep, I silently left the room.
I went back downstairs and let Postman Pat back in, who had been patiently waiting outside the front door. I decided to go to bed, too, or at least to lie down, without going to sleep, in case Declan woke up. The dog followed me upstairs. But there was a surprise waiting for me in my bed: a little intruder who had found a way to drag himself into his father’s room and climb into my bed, despite being half asleep. He opened his eyes and stared at me, looking sheepish.
“Can I sleep with you?”
I smiled sweetly at him.
“I’ll be with you in five minutes.”
He sighed with relief; I went into the bathroom and closed the door. Once ready, I sat down on the edge of the bathtub. I was doing far more than I thought I could; all my defenses were breaking down with this child. I no longer felt like some distant friend of the family and there was nothing I could do about it.
Postman Pat was sleeping at the foot of the bed; Declan was waiting for me under the warm blanket. I left the door open and the bedside lamp on, and got into bed. He snuggled up to me and I held him tightly in my arms, kissing his forehead. It didn’t take him long to fall back into the arms of Morpheus. I breathed in his scent while thinking about Clara. I was certain she wouldn’t be angry with me, that she knew that no one could ever replace her, she would always be my daughter, the greatest gift life had ever given me. But my heart was big enough to hold other children, there was plenty of space to fill, I loved children, I’d always loved them, and I’d dreamed of having a big family, because I was an only child. Declan, like his father a year before, had dressed one of my wounds, perhaps the worst one, the most painful and deep-rooted. His distress and his personality had shaken me up, made me realize that I couldn’t fight who I was: a dormant mother, but also a mother who was constantly evolving. The loss of Clara would remain engrained in my soul till my dying day, but I had learned how to live with that loss and would continue to learn as long as I lived. One person had known this before me: Felix. I could still hear him saying in his offhand way: “One day, you’ll come around again!” And stubbornly locked into my bleakest thoughts, I had assured him it would never happen.
Don't Worry, Life Is Easy Page 14
