Every now and again, I dozed off. The front door closed in the distance. Postman Pat raised his head and I gestured at him to stay. His tail was beating against the floor; his master was home. Edward stopped in front of the open door of his bedroom and found his son and me in his bed. He stood at the threshold for a long time, looking at us. Then he came over to us. He put his hands and one knee on the mattress.
“I’ll take him back to his bed,” he said quietly.
“No, leave him here, you’ll wake him up and he’s fine here.”
“It’s not where he belongs.”
“Ordinarily, I’d agree with you! But today, he should be able to do what he wants.”
I sat up straight. We looked at each other defiantly. I wasn’t giving in.
“Daddy,” Declan grumbled in his sleep.
We both looked at him; he opened his eyes slightly, pulled away from me and looked at us.
“You’re going back to your room,” Edward insisted. “Let Diane be; I’ll stay with you.”
Declan rolled into a new position, rubbing his face against the pillow.
“Let’s all sleep together, Daddy…”
I wasn’t expecting that, and neither was Edward! Declan grabbed his hand.
“Come on, Daddy,” he murmured.
Edward looked deep into my eyes; I stretched out again and smiled at him. He let go of his son’s hand and sat down on the edge of the bed, his back to me. He rested his elbows on his knees and held his head in his hands. I knew what he was thinking, I was thinking the same thing: we both wanted to protect and reassure this child, which meant we would have to suffer and put ourselves in an impossible situation. Untenable.
“Are you sure?” he whispered, without looking at me.
“Yes. Come to bed.”
He stood up and walked around the bed to switch off the lamp. I could hear him moving around the room and taking off his clothes before getting in bed with us. The mattress sank and the covers moved. I turned over on my side to face him. My eyes got used to the darkness and I could see him: he was looking at me, one arm folded under his head. I fell asleep while watching him, without even realizing it. I felt good, at peace, with a little man in my arms and a grown man who made me forget everything that wasn’t him.
10
Someone was tapping my arm. I slightly opened one eye: Declan was trying to wake me up. He succeeded. I felt something heavy on my stomach; Edward’s arm nailed us both to the mattress, his son and me, while the bed’s owner was in a deep sleep.
“We’ll go and have breakfast,” I whispered to Declan. “No noise, let daddy sleep.”
I lifted Edward’s arm from my waist as gently as I could. As soon as he was free, Declan leapt out of bed. Postman Pat, who hadn’t budged all night, also got up and wagged his tail. I got out of bed, keeping the dog from getting closer and waking up his master. Declan and Postman Pat both went downstairs. Before closing the door, I glanced at Edward one last time; he’d moved over and was lying diagonally across the bed, his head on my pillow. How could I ever forget that sight?
Declan was waiting for me, sitting on a high stool at the counter. I put on one of his father’s sweaters that was lying around and started getting breakfast. Ten minutes later, we were sitting side by side, Declan with his bread and jam and hot chocolate, and me with my coffee. I was instinctively slipping into family life, with no reservations and no fears.
“What are we doing today?” Declan asked.
“I’m going to see Jack.”
“And after that? Are you staying here with us?”
“Of course, don’t worry.”
He seemed reassured for a while. As soon as he’d finished eating, he jumped down and put on the television. I filled my cup again, grabbed my pack of cigarettes and phone to sit on the porch, braving the cold. I felt bad when I saw the number of missed calls and texts from Olivier. I hadn’t been in touch with him at all, hadn’t thought about him for a single second. Trembling, I lit a ciggy before dialing. He picked up at the first ring.
“My God! Diane, I was so worried about you.”
“I’m so sorry… yesterday was so awful…”
“I understand… but don’t leave me without any word from you like that again…”
I briefly told him about the funeral and the evening that followed, omitting the emotions and confusion I’d experienced. Then I changed the subject to ask about Paris and the bookstore… Within seconds, I had the feeling he was telling me about a life that was not my own, one that had nothing to do with me. I stared at the raging sea as he explained that Felix was proud of the takings for the past two days and that he’d gotten started on a new series of themed evenings. That hardly intrigued me or made me feel happy at all. I tersely replied things like “that’s good.” The bay window opened behind me, so I turned around, expecting to see Declan; I was wrong. Edward, his hair still wet from the shower, came out with his coffee and cigarettes and joined me. We look into each other’s eyes.
“Olivier, I have to go.”
“Wait!”
“What is it?”
“Are you coming home tomorrow? Are you really coming home?”
“Uh… why are you asking me that?”
“You’re not staying there?”
I didn’t stop staring at Edward; he couldn’t understand what we were saying, but seeing the intensity in his eyes, I knew he realized it was important. Tears came to my eyes. My heart was going to break, no matter what I did. But I gave him the only possible answer.
“Nothing’s changed; I’m coming back tomorrow.”
Edward breathed in deeply and went to sit on the railing of the porch, a little away from me. Through the bay window, I could see Declan playing with his toy cars. The dog was watching him out of the corner of its eye. I felt Edward so close yet so far from me. I was going back to Paris the next day.
“That’s good,” I heard Olivier say in the distance.
“Don’t come and get me at the airport, it’s not necessary… Big hug.”
“Me too.”
“See you tomorrow.”
I hung up. I smoked another cigarette, my back to the sea. Neither of us said a word. After putting out my cigarette, I decided to go back inside.
“I’m going to get dressed; I have to go and see Jack,” I said to Edward, my hand on the doorknob.
I went upstairs without saying anything to Declan, grabbed some clean clothes from my suitcase, and locked myself in the bathroom.
The room was filled with the scent of Edward: the steam from his shower on the mirror, the smell of his soap. I stood under the shower for a long time, biting my fist, letting my tears flow. My desires, my feelings mattered so little: responsibility and logic were all that counted. I only had twenty-four hours left with them. Then, I was leaving.
When I came out of my hiding place, I heard Edward and Declan close by: they were in the office. I walked over and leaned against the doorframe. They were sitting in front of the computer where Edward was touching up some photos, asking his son what he thought of them. They really had become close, they were two of a kind. I had never gone into that room. It wasn’t the usual chaos that caught my eye but a black and white photo pinned to the wall above the screen. It was very dog-eared and must have been handled many times to get into such a state… It was the entrance to Happy People, and you could just make me out behind the window; I was smiling, staring out into space. Everything about it made it look as if it had been taken in secret. When had he taken it? The day he came to see me? That was impossible, I’d spent all day watching the street, I would have definitely noticed. So he’d come to be close to me, without trying to see me. The words he said several months ago echoed in my ears again: “There’s been no room for you in my life for a long time now.”
“Diane! There you are!”
Declan’s voice made me jump and reminded me that now wasn’t the time to ask for explanations.
“What are you doing?” I asked,
walking into the room.
“I’ve got a bit of work,” Edward replied.
“Declan, would you like to go with me to see Jack?”
“Yes!”
“Then off you go to get dressed!”
He raced out. I couldn’t manage to leave the room and yet, I couldn’t look at Edward.
“You’ll be able to work in peace. Come and join us when you like.”
I could sense him coming closer to me.
“What time is your flight tomorrow?”
“Two o’clock… Let’s not talk about it, all right? Let’s just enjoy today.”
I looked up at him. We stared deeply into each other’s eyes, our breath quickening, and I knew that I wanted more during our brief time left together. Our bodies gently touched.
“OK! I’m ready!”
I leapt back, putting some space between us.
“Let’s go!” I said to Declan, rather loudly.
I walked out of the room, reeling a little. Declan said goodbye to his father and we went downstairs to put on our coats, scarves, and hats; the weather was bad that day.
“Off we go!”
I whistled for Postman Pat, who trotted over. I opened the front door and Declan slipped his little hand in mine.
“See you later,” I heard from behind me.
I looked over my shoulder; Edward was watching us from the top of the stairs. We smiled at each other.
The walk, that normally took twenty minutes, lasted almost an hour. I was constantly running after Declan, playing with him, laughing with him, as if I was trying every way possible to engrain him in my memory, not to forget him, to remember his strength, his instinct for survival, to cherish him. Or simply because I loved him and would soon be leaving him. That seemed utterly unbearable.
We raced each other into Abby and Jack’s garden. Thinking about this house without thinking of Abby would remain unimaginable for a very long time. Jack was pulling out weeds from one of his wife’s flowerbeds. I knew what he was trying to do: keep busy to forget by doing everything he could to be with her… The ambivalence of mourning.
“Well here you are, my little ones! What a welcome!”
Declan had jumped into his arms. Jack gestured for me to join them and hugged me tight.
“How are you this morning?” I asked. “Did you get some sleep?”
“Let’s say I got up early!”
He put Declan down.
“Well… you can’t get bored here! This isn’t what I’d call a vacation!” said Judith.
She stood at the doorstep with her hands on her hips, wearing clothes for battling with the housework.
“Stop moaning, I’ll come and help you!”
She was getting the house back in order after the dinner of the previous night. I rolled up my sleeves to give her a hand. It took us the rest of the morning to finish. The atmosphere was tranquil. Abby’s absence weighed heavily, of course, but without being oppressive. Judith and I talked about her, laughing, but also sometimes shedding a tear.
Around noon, Jack came inside with Declan and lit a fire in the fireplace. I sent Judith to have a shower and got started on preparing the meal. I was watching the cooking when I looked out of the window and saw Edward parking his car. I didn’t move. I soon could hear him talking to Jack, asking where I was. A few seconds later, I wasn’t alone in the kitchen. He came up next to me.
“Do you need some help?”
“No,” I replied, quickly glancing at him. “All that’s left to do is set the table.”
“I’ll do that with Declan.”
He called his son and in the end, all three of us set the table. Jack wanted to help. I stopped him, handing him his newspaper and forcing him to stay in his chair: “You’re a guest in your own house today!”
I was happy to make him and Edward laugh. I was carrying in the big pot of food when Judith came in. She stopped for a moment when she found all three of us busy around the table. She stared straight at me, then looked at her brother before shaking her head.
Lunch lasted a long time; Declan finally couldn’t sit still. He was between me and his father, squirming around in his chair. I leaned over to him.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m bored.”
I smiled at him and nodded toward his father, who understood what we were plotting and winked at me.
“Take the dog and go outside,” he suggested.
He rushed away. I called him back; it was stronger than me.
“Dress up warm, it’s cold out.”
“I promise!” he shouted from the front door.
“He’s going to go out like a light tonight,” I said to Edward.
“So much the better.”
We smiled at each other.
“Dammit!” cried Judith, “You’re going to screw up!”
My shoulders drooped. She was right.
“Let them be, please,” Jack cut in.
“I’m saying it for both of you,” she continued, “and for him.”
“You don’t have to remind us,” her brother replied, coldly, “We know.”
He clenched his fists on the table. I put my hand on his arm to calm him down; he looked at my hand for a moment before looking at my face. Then he took my hand in his and spoke to his sister.
“Can you look after him tomorrow morning and drop him off at school? We have to leave early for the airport.”
“Of course!”
“Wait a minute!” I cut in. “This is ridiculous, Edward. I can manage by myself, hire a…”
“Don’t even think it!” he said, stopping me, squeezing my hand even tighter.
“Now, now, children! Calm down,” said Jack.
His intervention worked; the three of us looked at him.
“Diane and Edward, go outside and get some fresh air with Declan, then go straight home. Judith, go out and have a good time with your friends.”
Brother and sister protested; I did nothing, just watched Jack. He didn’t want to be a burden and needed to be alone, alone with the memory of his wife. He raised his hand to stop them talking.
“No point delaying getting on with your lives… I’m not afraid of being alone. I’ll lead my quiet life; don’t you worry about me. In any case, I wouldn’t be staying with you this afternoon; I’m going to visit Abby.”
No one tried to contradict him. He stood up and started clearing the table. I hurried to help him, and Judith and Edward did, too. In no time at all, the dining room was tidy and the dishwasher on. Edward hugged his uncle and went outside to join Declan in the garden. Judith came over to me.
“I’m so sorry about my outburst, but I’m worried about the two of you.”
“I know.”
“See you tomorrow morning,” she said, then walked out of the kitchen.
Jack and I were alone. He gave me a big smile and opened his arms. I took refuge in them.
“Thank you for coming, my little Frenchwoman…”
“It was where I belonged. Take care of yourself…”
“You know this is your home.”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“I won’t say any more. You know everything there is to know…”
I stroked his bushy white beard and ran out of the kitchen. Edward, Declan, and Postman Pat were in the car. I climbed into the Range Rover and slammed the door shut.
“Where are we going?”
I looked deep into Edward’s eyes, questioningly. Behind me, I heard Declan’s seat belt open; he came up between us, leaning on our head rests. I could feel all of Edward’s questions, all his hesitations.
“We still have a few hours,” I said to him.
His reply: start the car and drive off.
The rest of the afternoon flew by. Edward showed me another small part of the Atlantic Wild Way. He drove to the first cliffs of Achill Island. Declan monopolized the conversation by pretending to be a tourist guide. Edward and I looked at each other knowingly while listening to him show off his k
nowledge. We tempted the devil by getting out of the car while it was pouring with rain. And we went back home to the cottage soaked to the bone. Edward first lit a fire in the fireplace and sent his son to have a shower. I followed him upstairs and put on some dry clothes. While Declan was washing, I remade his bed, tidied up the mess in his room, and got his things ready for school the next day. When he came in, he walked over to me.
“Would you read me a story?”
“Choose some books and we’ll go downstairs with daddy.”
We sat down on the couch; I put my arm around him and he snuggled up to me. I started reading. I had a flashback of my aborted attempt at doing a reading session for children at Happy People. I realized how far I had come. One question still remained: if he had been a child I didn’t know, would I have been able to do it? Not so sure. I loved Declan, and I wasn’t afraid to admit it to myself any more. I wanted to keep the place he’d made for me in his life.
At certain moments, I looked up from the book and found Edward watching us. He’d also changed his clothes and was making dinner. The depression that had spread through me must have shown in my eyes, and in his, I could see his usual anger as well as sadness. I thought to myself that it had been a long time since I’d seen him show his feelings. We forced ourselves not to show our anxiety to spare Declan. And besides, did we really have a choice?
At the table, Declan was fighting to keep his eyes open, which had the effect of calming his father down; Edward looked at him affectionately.
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