“You’re going to sleep in your own bed tonight,” he told him.
“OK…”
He must have been really exhausted not to try and negotiate. Edward frowned.
“Judith is going to take you to school tomorrow.”
“OK…”
“Do you want to go to bed now?”
He just nodded his head. He got down from his chair and took me by the hand. I got up and followed him, ready to go upstairs, but he made a detour toward his father and grabbed his hand as well. And I thought: be brave again. Edward and I looked at each other, then he lifted his son into his arms and Declan put his arms around his him, without letting go of me. Once in his room, Edward put him down on his bed and pulled the covers over him. I knelt down near his face. He automatically held his mother’s scarf against his nose. With his free hand, he stroked my cheek. I closed my eyes.
“Don’t go, Diane.”
His words made me ache inside.
“Go to sleep, my little one. We’ll see each other tomorrow.”
He had already fallen into the arms of Morpheus. I kissed his forehead and stood up. Edward was waiting for me at the door, his face looking strained again. While walking down the hallway, the open door to his office attracted my attention; I went inside without asking his permission and took the photo off the wall.
“When did you take this?”
“What difference does it make?” he said, standing at the entrance to the room.
“Please… Tell me.”
“The morning of the exhibition.”
His voice was weary. My shoulders drooped and I felt a lump in my throat. The complexity and impossibility of our relationship, its difficulties, secrets, silences, the feelings we’d buried exhausted both of us.
“Why do you keep it?”
“As a reminder.”
He turned away and rushed down the stairs. I sat down at his desk, staring at the photo I held in my hands, looking at myself standing opposite my bookstore, where I lived my life. Undeniably, I looked happy. At that time, there were no dark clouds hovering over me; I had everything I needed to be happy. At least, that was what I thought… For a few hours after it was taken, everything had been turned upside down, and ever since, I had totally lost control. The certainties about my choices, over which I had battled so hard these past few months, evaporated, one after the other. I ended up looking away from the image of this Parisian Diane, owner of a literary café, and Olivier’s partner. I noticed a pile of photos that brought up other memories: the ones Abby had asked Edward to take when I’d come back the first time. We were all there in the picture, except for the photographer, but his presence was so strong that you could almost see him. As for me, I looked different, that much was certain. At no time did I seem to be distracted; I was there, looking straight at one of the others, or searching around for Edward. I had a place there and I had taken it.
Edward was sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette, apparently absorbed by the fire in the fireplace, two glasses of whiskey on the coffee table in front of him. I did what I wanted to do, what I needed to do at that moment: I snuggled up against him, my head against his chest, my legs folded under me; he put his arms around me. We sat there in silence for a very long time; I could hear his heart beating and the wood crackling in the fire.
“Diane…”
I’d never heard him speak so softly, as if he were about to reveal some secret.
“I’m listening.”
“Please don’t ever come back here.”
I leaned in closer to him; he hugged me more tightly.
“We can’t delude ourselves,” he continued. “Or pretend…”
“I know…”
“I refuse to make Declan pay for our past… he’s too attached to you… he wants you to have a part in his life that you can’t give him… He needs stability…”
“We have to protect him… we have no choice.”
I rubbed my face against his shirt; he nuzzled my hair and kissed it.
“And I… I…”
He pulled away and quickly stood up, standing next to the fireplace, his back to me, his shoulders drooping. I also stood up and walked over to him. He looked over his shoulder and saw me.
“Don’t…”
I stopped; everything hurt, my head, my heart, hurt to the very bone. Edward breathed in deeply.
“I don’t want to suffer any more because I love you… it’s unbearable… it’s lasted far too long… That photo is no longer enough to remind me that you’ve built a life for yourself, a life in which you’re not Declan’s mother, not my wife…”
Did he realize what he was saying? His words and confession moved me deeply. He was truly telling me how he felt for the first time, and it was painful to both of us.
“Your life is in Paris, and will always be.”
“That’s true,” I whispered.
He turned to face me and looked deep into my eyes.
“I have to forget you, once and for all…”
It sounded liked a promise and an insurmountable challenge.
“Forgive me,” I said.
“It’s no one’s fault… we never had a future together… We never should have met, and we certainly never should have seen each other again… Get on with your life…”
“You regret having met me?”
He glared at me and shook his head.
“Go up to bed… it’s better that way.”
My first reaction was to do what he said; I turned around and headed for the stairs. Then I stopped. He didn’t have the right to tell me all of that, to share his suffering without hearing about mine. What did he think? That it was going to be easy for me to draw a line under him and his son, to go back to Paris and pretend to love Olivier while I belonged to him body and soul, even if I was perfectly aware of the impossibility of our relationship? I turned to face him; he hadn’t taken his eyes off of me. He pushed me away, to keep me at a distance.
“It can’t end like this!”
“Diane… stop…”
“No, I won’t stop! I have things I want to tell you!”
“I don’t want to hear them.”
The harshness in his voice made me move away, then I told myself that I’d had enough. I took his face in my hands and kissed him. He responded to my kiss passionately, locking his arms around me. I put all my frustration of the past months into that kiss. I stood on tip-toe, pressed myself against his body, trying to make myself smaller, to disappear inside him, to be even closer to him. I wanted more, more from him, more from his lips, from his touch. I had never felt such desire, never felt such a powerful urge to give myself to a man. Yes, he had been my crutch, but today, my feelings went far beyond that. At first, I hadn’t loved him the way I should, but from now on, every fiber of my being, of my heart and body wanted him. I loved his strength and his weaknesses. With a painful moan, he tore himself away from me.
“We’re going to hurt each other even more, stop, I’m begging you…”
“One night… we have one night left to pretend.”
He was fighting so hard to control his emotions, he’d forbidden himself from living for such a long time, terrified by the pain of love and crushed by the responsibilities he took upon himself. I took his hand in mine and led him upstairs. I left him standing in front of his room while I made sure Declan’s door was closed. He waited there for me, leaning against the doorframe. He stared deep into my eyes.
“There’s still time to stop.”
“Is that what you really want?”
He locked the door to his bedroom and pushed me toward the bed. If he had been weak and lost for a moment, that moment was over; I was powerless beside him. The harshness of his kiss made me sure of that. We fell onto the bed, in the grip of the urgency to make love, violently tearing our clothes off, finding each other’s lips, touching our ravenous bodies. Declan was so close by that we had to be absolutely silent, and knowing we only had a few hours together added to th
e intensity of the moment we had waited for, and for so long: to belong to one another. When he entered me, I caught my breath and we looked deep into each other’s eyes. In his, I read all the love and the desire he was feeling, but also all his suffering. I cried when Edward made me come. He collapsed on top of me; I kept him tightly between my legs and stroked his hair. Then, I took his face in my hands. He kissed me softly. The storm had passed.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“Don’t ever say that again… it changes nothing…”
“I know… but for a few hours, let’s allow ourselves to do anything we want.”
We made love all night, holding nothing back. Sometimes we dozed off, our damp bodies clinging to one another. And the first to open his eyes, awakened the other with kisses and caresses.
“Diane…”
I pressed my body even closer to his, clinging on to him even more, our legs entwined. He kissed me on the forehead.
“I’m going to get up… I don’t want Declan to find us together.”
His remark made me wake up completely.
“You’re right.”
I raised my head and stroked his tense jaw with one finger. He caught my hand and kissed my palm. Then he pulled away, sat down on the edge of the bed and ran his hands through his hair. He looked at me over his shoulder; I did my best to smile; he stroked my cheek.
“I’ll go now…”
“All right.”
I turned over, my back to him, for I didn’t want to see him leave that room; I didn’t want to remember that; all I wanted to remember was our night of love. I hugged his pillow with all my might as the door gently closed.
I stayed in bed for about half an hour. Getting up required superhuman effort, as well as picking up my clothes scattered all over the room. I fought against my old demons: I didn’t want to wash so I would keep the scent of him on my body for as long as possible. But Edward wasn’t dead.
Day had not completely dawned when I went downstairs. I put my suitcase in the front hall. A steaming hot cup of coffee was waiting for me on the kitchen counter; I drank it quickly. Then I went outside to the back porch, where Edward was smoking a cigarette. If he heard me coming, he didn’t react. I pressed my body against his, took his hand in mine; our fingers locked. He sighed and kissed my hair. I closed my eyes, leaning against him. In the distance, we heard a car parking in front of the cottage.
“Here’s Judith,” he said.
I was about to pull away, convinced he would wish to keep our secret.
“No.”
He let go of my hand so he could hold me tighter in his arms. I buried my face in his shirt, deeply breathing in his scent. The front door slammed: Judith and her legendary discretion.
“I’m going to have to go and wake Declan up,” Edward said.
I clung on to his shirt.
“Let’s go.”
He led me inside. Judith was waiting for us, leaning against the kitchen counter, holding a cup of coffee. She smiled at us, somewhat sadly.
“Had to happen, since you’ve both been wanting it for so long…”
“Cut it out,” Edward replied hotly.
“Oh, calm down!… I’m not criticizing you. I’m just jealous, that’s all…”
We could hear Declan storming down the stairs.
“I slept all by myself! Daddy! Diane!” he announced, joyfully, “I slept all by myself!”
I had just enough time to move away from Edward before his son jumped into his arms. He was immensely proud; an amazing smile lit up his face.
“Did you see, Diane?”
“You’re the best!”
His smile froze when he noticed Judith. His expression reflected the violence of the reality that had just hit him. He freed himself from his father’s grip and went into the front hall, head lowered.
“What’s that?” he cried.
“My suitcase,” I replied, walking over to him.
“What’s it doing there?”
“I’m going home, remember?”
“No! This is your home now, with daddy and me! I don’t want you to go!”
“I’m so sorry…”
Tears streamed down his face, he turned red with anger, rage, even.
“You’re horrible!”
“Declan, that’s enough!” Edward cut in.
“Leave him be,” I whispered. “He’s right…”
“I hate you!” Declan screamed.
He ran up the stairs and slammed the door to his room. Edward came over and held me in his arms.
“How could we have been so selfish?” I sobbed.
“I know…”
“Get going now,” said Judith.
I pulled away from Edward and went over to her.
“I’m not going to say goodbye to you any more; I’m fed up with doing that. We’ll speak on the phone…”
“You’re right…”
Edward was waiting for me on the front steps, holding my suitcase. Just as I was about to go out, I stopped. It was all happening too quickly…
“I have to say goodbye to him.”
I leapt up the stairs four at a time and knocked on his door.
“Go away!”
“Declan, I’m coming in.”
“I never want to see you again!”
I went into his room; he was sitting on his bed, as stiff as a board. He furiously wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand, looking straight ahead. I sat down next to him.
“I’m so sorry… I made you hope I’d stay. You’re right, I’m happy here with you and daddy, I like being here. I didn’t lie about that… You’ll understand when you’re older… We can’t always do what we want: I have a job in Paris, and the responsibilities of a grown-up. I know you couldn’t care less about that… I’ll think about you very often, that I can promise you.”
He threw himself into my arms. I rocked him one last time, kissing his hair and holding back my tears. He wouldn’t understand me leaving if he saw how sad I was.
“Come on, now… you’ll be fine… you’re a brave boy… I’ll never forget you, never… You’re going to grow up to be a big strong boy like your daddy… OK?”
I held him close for a long time; I wished I could always protect him, reassure him. But it was getting late…
“Daddy is waiting for me in the car…”
He hugged me even tighter.
“You’ll see, you’ll have fun going to school with Aunt Judith… and daddy will be back to pick you up after school. I got your uniform ready least night, so all you have to do is get dressed…”
He let go of me and looked at me with his beautiful eyes. Then he sat up, put his arms around my neck and gave me a big kiss on the cheek, a real child’s kiss, wet and sloppy. I kissed his forehead and he let me go. In spite of feeling I was abandoning him, I stood up and found that Judith had been watching us the whole time.
“Goodbye, Declan.”
“Goodbye, Diane.”
I walked across the room and stopped near Judith; we looked at each other and smiled, and I kissed her on the cheek before going downstairs. I found Postman Pat lying at the bottom of the stairs; I petted him one last time and went outside. Edward was leaning against the car, smoking a cigarette. I took one last look at the sea and climbed into the Range Rover. He got in after me and started the engine.
“Are you ready?”
“No… But I’ll never be ready, so let’s go.”
I stared at the cottage for a few seconds through the car window. Then we drove off, passing through the sleepy village that was starting to come to life.
“Look who’s there,” Edward said.
In the distance, I could make out Jack, standing near his door. He raised his hand in our direction when we passed near him. I looked back over my shoulder; he stood still for a few seconds watching the car, then went inside, hunched over. When we left Mulranny, I grabbed Edward’s cigarettes from the dashboard, took one, lit it, and dragged on it like a madwoman. I wan
ted to hit something, scream, release my anger. For the first time, I was angry at Abby: by dying, she had put me in an impossible position. I was perfectly aware of the egotistical, childish nature of my reaction, but it was the only way to fight my sadness. I was also angry with myself; I was nothing but a damned troublemaker! I made Olivier, Edward, Declan, and Judith all suffer. In the end, I was still as temperamental, awkward, and selfish as ever. You’d think that life had taught me nothing.
Merde! Fais chier! I swore in French.
While continuing to rant in even more colorful language, I grabbed my handbag, emptied it out on my knees and started going through it; I had to do something. When the burning ash from my cigarette fell on my jeans, I howled. Edward let me have my tantrum without complaining; he was driving as fast as he could, as usual. Little by little, I became less agitated. I calmed down, breathed more slowly; my throat was tense and my stomach in knots; I stopped fidgeting and sat back in my seat, relaxing against the headrest. Even though I was staring at the road, I didn’t see the landscape.
After about an hour, Edward’s phone rang. He answered; I didn’t listen to the conversation, remaining stoical the whole time.
“That was Judith… Declan’s better; he left for school in a better mood…”
That piece of news brought a little smile to my face, which quickly vanished. I felt Edward’s thumb on my cheek, wiping away a tear. I turned and looked at him; he had never seemed so sad yet so strong. He was a father, and he felt all the pain his son felt. Even if it was something new to him, he made sure he came second: Declan was more important than anything. I felt the same… He stroked my cheek. He put his strong hand on my thigh, and I covered it with mine. Then he concentrated on driving again.
The drive went too quickly, much too quickly, with neither of us saying a single word. Edward continued wiping away my silent tears. I felt like someone condemned to die, waiting on death row. Life, and geography, were going to take away a man and a child I loved more than anything in the world. My only consolation would be knowing they existed, that they were all right. It wasn’t the Grim Reaper who had taken them from me. It was “bad luck”: we didn’t live in the same country, didn’t have the same life. We had given in to our feelings without taking reality into account.
Don't Worry, Life Is Easy Page 16
