The Stag and Hen Weekend

by Mike Gayle

  The lights in the treatment room were dimmed, a tall scented candle was burning on one of the white marbled surfaces and ‘new age whale music’ was coming from a slim-line iPod speaker. Roisin handed Helen a robe and promised to return once Helen had undressed.

  ‘Right, let’s have a look at your details,’ she said picking up the clipboard. Her accent was strong and northern. Preston or possibly Stockport, thought Helen, definitely not Manchester.

  Roisin sat down opposite Helen, double-checked her form and then set it down on a side table.

  ‘Right,’ she began, ‘now we can get on with the business of getting you detoxed!’ She looked into Helen’s eyes. ‘So that I can tailor the treatment to your exact needs I need a little bit more information. First off: how would you like to feel at the end of this session: energised or relaxed?’

  ‘Relaxed,’ said Helen quickly.

  ‘I could tell!’ joked Roisin and then she put her hand to her mouth. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ said Helen. ‘You’re fine. I’m not surprised I look stressed. I am stressed.’

  ‘Oh no,’ said the girl, ‘you don’t looked stressed. Well, no more than any of the other ladies who come here. I could tell . . . well I could tell from your aura.’

  ‘My aura?’

  ‘I’m in training to be the spa’s reiki specialist and the minute I saw you in reception your aura just jumped out at me.’

  Helen frowned. ‘That doesn’t sound good.’

  ‘It’s not, to be honest. It’s very negative. But don’t worry, there are oils we can use to cleanse it.’

  ‘You’re saying my aura needs cleansing? What’s wrong with it? I haven’t damaged it, have I?’

  ‘It’s hard to say,’ replied Roisin. ‘People usually get a negative aura when they’re at a crossroads and don’t know which way to go. When I left college at eighteen and didn’t know whether to go into hairdressing or carry on with beauty therapy, I went to a reiki healer and they said the same about my aura.’

  ‘And they fixed it?’

  ‘It took a few sessions but yeah, it was okay in the end.’

  Helen felt her stomach flip over. She didn’t believe in any of this stuff. In her time on the radio she’d interviewed countless healers, exorcists, white witches, new age practitioners and clairvoyants and was always underwhelmed by how transparent their schemes were. And yet this girl seemed genuine, and as Helen reflected on her lack of a wedding dress, she began to wonder whether there might be something in it after all.

  11.

  ‘Right,’ said Roisin as a comatose Helen lay face up on the therapy table naked but for her paper knickers and a long, thick white blanket-sized towel. ‘I’m just going to step outside so that you can put on your dressing gown and then I’ll take you to the post treatment room where you can have a lie down if you like before taking a shower.’

  Helen stirred. This couldn’t be right surely? An hour and a half couldn’t have gone by just like that? The last thing she recalled was the girl applying a deep cleansing nutrient mask to her face. She reached up to feel if it was still there but there was nothing but the silky smoothness of her own skin. She opened an eye, tilted her head to look at the girl and with a not inconsiderable amount of panic in her voice said: ‘It’s not really over is it?’

  ‘It is, I’m afraid. A lot of clients find that time really flies when they have this treatment. That’s what happens when you’re totally relaxed. Anyway, there’s a glass of water on the counter and remember to sit up slowly.’

  Sitting upright Helen recalled her troubled aura. ‘How’s my . . . you know?’ she asked, a waggle of her eyebrows completing her sentence. ‘Does it still look troubled?’

  Roisin smiled. ‘It’s looking better, definitely. The oils I used took away quite a lot of the negative energy that was surrounding you but there’s only so much you can do in one session. You need to look after yourself and try and relax more.’

  ‘That’s easier said than done,’ sighed Helen.

  ‘I know, but I guarantee you’ll feel the benefit.’

  As Roisin left the room Helen wondered whether she could justify booking herself another ninety-minute session straight away. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt this good: her skin was smooth and supple, her muscles totally relaxed and her brain felt like someone had scooped it out and given it a warm bath before putting it back in place. What’s more, she felt sure that whatever the problem with her aura had been before the therapy, Roisin had definitely dealt with it.

  Gradually edging herself off the table, she wobbled enough to make her lean back against the table for support. It was the oddest feeling: her legs were weak but her body felt lighter than air. Slowly the strength returned to her limbs and as she began to get dressed she promised that no matter what the expense or inconvenience, the ninety-minute full-body detox would become a permanent fixture in her life.

  Once Helen was robed Roisin led her down the corridor and through a side door into a darkened room fragrant with designer scented candles. There were several low beds (all empty) and each had its own table laden with bottled water and a small bowl of dried fruit and nuts.

  ‘Feel free to stay as long as you like,’ said Roisin. ‘If you need anything or find yourself feeling light-headed just press the buzzer at the side of the bed.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Helen sincerely. ‘And I really mean that: thank you.’

  ‘I’m just glad to have been able to help,’ said Roisin reaching for the door handle. ‘Enjoy the rest of your stay. And try and stay stress free.’

  Helen looked down at the bed with its clean white sheets that looked so inviting. Feeling this relaxed, if she sat down to collect her thoughts she would fall deeply and embarrassingly asleep and so steeling herself she collected a set of towels from a table in the corner and made her way back to the changing rooms.

  Showered and dressed but with her hair still wet, Helen made her way back towards the spa reception with a view to getting back to her room and squeezing in as much sleep as humanly possible before she would need to get ready for the evening ahead.

  As she reached the spa reception she saw Yaz sitting in one of the comfortable chairs with her nose deep in a glossy magazine.

  ‘Hello you,’ said Helen. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘Killing time while I waited for you. Wasn’t it amazing?’

  ‘Incredible. Like nothing I’ve ever experienced.’

  ‘Did you cry?’

  Helen shook her head. ‘Did you?’

  ‘Just a bit but it was hard to tell whether that was the therapy or the fact that it was there bubbling under the surface waiting to come out anyway.’

  The two women stepped outside into the late afternoon sun and both instinctively drew a deep breath and exhaled. Helen looked at Yaz.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  Yaz nodded and wiped her eyes. ‘I’m fine, honestly.’

  ‘You know you can talk about everything that’s going on, don’t you? Just because we’re on this weekend doesn’t mean you have to be the entertainment.’

  ‘I know and thanks for saying that. But I’m okay. Just having a bit of a wobble, that’s all. I probably shouldn’t have done but I tried calling Simon earlier, just to say hello, and maybe see if we could talk for a while but the call went straight to voicemail.’

  ‘The same happened to me when I tried Phil. I’m guessing their hotel has got really bad reception.’

  ‘Or they don’t want to be contacted.’

  ‘Look, there’s no point in speculating, is there?’

  ‘I suppose not.’

  Helen’s heart sank as she looked up and saw Caitlin coming towards them.

  ‘Oh great, just what I need to undo an hour and a half of ultimate relaxation.’

  ‘Is it too late to pretend we haven’t seen her?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Helen. ‘Far too late.’

  ‘Hi guys,’ sai
d Caitlin brightly. ‘I’m so pleased I’ve bumped into you because you’ll never guess what just happened.’

  ‘Why don’t you surprise us?’ said Helen wearily.

  ‘Okay,’ said Caitlin, ‘it’s like this. I was on my way for a swim before my treatment when who should be coming back from the golf course but Aiden Reid! We got chatting and to cut a long story short I invited him to dinner tonight and he’s agreed. Isn’t that amazing? Aiden Reid is coming to dinner with us!’

  Helen held her breath as the familiar and unwelcome muscular tension and the headache returned. ‘You did what?’

  ‘I invited him to dinner. It’s not a big deal is it? I was sure you wouldn’t mind.’

  Yaz stepped in. ‘The thing is Caitlin, this whole weekend was meant to be a women-only thing, a chance for us all to relax, have a bit of a laugh and give Helen a good send off. If Aiden comes along tonight . . . I don’t know . . . I just feel that it would change the atmosphere.’

  ‘He’s just one man,’ said Caitlin rolling her eyes. ‘I don’t see what the big deal is. I doubt that he’d talk to any of the other girls anyway.’

  Yaz’s eyes narrowed. ‘Meaning?’

  ‘Oh, you know, Aiden’s Aiden isn’t he? No offence but given the lifestyle he’s used to he won’t be interested in a bunch of mums fawning over him all evening. I promise, I’ll totally keep him under control.’

  ‘But you’re completely missing the—’

  Helen interrupted. ‘Leave it, Yaz, Caitlin’s right. It’s not that big a deal.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘It’s fine,’ said Helen firmly.

  Yaz still wouldn’t let it go. ‘Are you absolutely sure?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Helen. ‘I am.’

  ‘Oh, that’s absolutely brilliant,’ said Caitlin kissing Helen’s cheek. Helen couldn’t believe it. Caitlin actually looked like she was almost grateful. ‘Are you absolutely sure?’

  ‘I’ve no doubts at all.’

  ‘And you’re not just saying that?’

  Helen crossed her heart with the palm of her hand. ‘Scout’s honour.’

  ‘You really are amazing do you know that?’ beamed Caitlin. ‘And I promise I’ll make sure that he doesn’t dominate the evening. I really think this could be the beginning of something good. Who knows, this time next year we could all be back here for my hen do.’

  ‘I can’t believe that just happened,’ said Yaz as they stood watching Caitlin trotting down to the spa.

  ‘If it was happening to anyone but me I might have actually found it funny.’

  ‘How can she not have picked up on the fact that you don’t want him around?’

  ‘She picked it up all right,’ sighed Helen. ‘She just didn’t care.’

  ‘So why did you give in like that?’

  Helen shrugged. ‘I guess I’m just tired of fighting her.’

  Frustrated and as angry with herself as she was with Caitlin, Helen suggested that she and Yaz have a drink on the terrace. They took a seat and ordered two gin and tonics.

  ‘Do you know what?’ said Helen as the waiter disappeared, ‘I’m forever telling off listeners when they call in saying they hate this and they hate that because hate’s a pretty strong term that shouldn’t be used lightly but right now I do actually hate Caitlin. I know that sounds harsh but apart from the fact that she popped out of the same womb as Phil she has got no redeeming features whatsoever.’

  ‘Do you think she really just bumped into Aiden or has she been stalking him the whole time?’

  ‘Stalking. Definitely. Probably stalking while downloading a document to her BlackBerry entitled: “How to hold your own when talking about golf” to give herself some conversational starters.’

  ‘And that stuff about: “this time next year we could be here for my hen weekend!” I could’ve slapped her silly when she said that. Do you actually think she’s serious?’

  Helen shrugged. ‘She’s a pretty unstoppable force when she gets going and it’s not like she isn’t easy on the eye. I can’t imagine Aiden really wanted to come to dinner though. Why would he go to all the effort of trying to talk to me if his intention was simply to wind me up?’

  ‘Any more clues why he blames you for him and his wife splitting up?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Helen, ‘and I’m not sure I care. Anyway it doesn’t matter whether or not he comes out tonight because I won’t be there.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Just that. I’m not coming. I’ll be fine, Yaz. Tell the girls I’ve got some sort of bug and I want to get an early night in the hope of being better by the morning. They won’t doubt it if you tell it right.’

  ‘We can’t go without you. It’s your weekend. Why not just tell Caitlin that you’ve changed your mind about Aiden tagging along?’

  ‘And have her looking daggers at me all night or worse still trying to work out why I’m so dead set against her getting together with him? No thanks. I might have to come clean Monday but right now I haven’t got the energy. No, she can do what she likes. I don’t care any more.’

  ‘Then I’ll stay too,’ said Yaz. ‘I won’t enjoy the evening if I have to picture you crying into your soup. The others can go, we’ll stay and maybe treat ourselves to a few items off the à la carte menu. How does that sound?’

  ‘If you don’t go none of them will and I’ll feel obliged to entertain them all evening which is frankly the last thing I need.’

  The waiter arrived with their drinks and the two friends fell into an uneasy silence. A young couple (clearly very much in love and celebrating an anniversary) sat down at the table next to them. The man reached across for the woman’s hand and her whole being lit up. Helen could see that Yaz was thinking the same thing: how wonderful that stage of a relationship was and why did those feelings all too quickly fade.

  Helen took a sip of her drink. ‘I’m going back to my room.’

  ‘Are you sure about later?’

  ‘One hundred per cent.’

  ‘The girls will be devastated.’

  Helen smiled. ‘They’ll be fine, if you keep them distracted.’

  The two women hugged.

  ‘You take care okay?’ said Yaz. ‘And if you need anything, just call me.’

  Reaching her room, Helen lay down on the bed and closed her eyes. It felt good to be out of the sun for a while and the cool of her air-conditioned room seemed to take away the residual anger that she had felt towards Caitlin. Now she was able to pity her, as she would any human being so full of resentment they couldn’t see the good in anyone.

  Helen took out her phone and switched it on. There was a text from her boss asking if she was having a good time and another from a phone company offering a new phone deal but still nothing from Phil. Although rationally she knew better than to read anything into this continuing lack of communication, she couldn’t help but conclude that whatever else he was doing at this particular moment, he wasn’t thinking about her and in this post-detox emotional state this almost reduced her to tears.

  The only way forward was to distract herself. She switched on the TV and started flicking around the channels and was relieved when she came across the film All About Eve, easily her favourite Barbara Stanwyck movie. Drawing the curtains, she made herself a cup of tea and climbed underneath her duvet to watch the film and there she remained for the best part of an hour until there was a knock at the door.

  Helen’s first instinct was to ignore it, but when the knocking persisted she opted to answer it on the off chance it was an emergency.

  Helen grabbed a towelling dressing gown from the bathroom door and was still tying the belt around her waist as she looked through the peephole and saw not just one face but many looking back at her. It was the girls.

  ‘I tried to tell them you were ill,’ explained Yaz plaintively as they flooded into Helen’s room. ‘But I don’t think they bought it.’

  ‘Listen girls,’ said Helen sitting on the bed as they all su
rrounded her. ‘Don’t think this show of solidarity isn’t appreciated, but as I said to Yaz earlier, I’m not interested in battling with Caitlin. She’s a mean, hard-hearted cow who needs taking down a peg or two but that doesn’t mean that I have to be the person to do it.’

  ‘All that’s fine,’ said Heather, ‘but why does she get to spoil your hen weekend just because she’s Phil’s sister?’

  ‘Heather’s right,’ chipped in Ros. ‘We came here for you this weekend. There’s no way Caitlin should be dictating proceedings.’

  ‘I know it’s not ideal,’ began Helen but so many of the girls added their voices to the protest that she couldn’t be heard.

  ‘The fact of the matter is this,’ said Heather, ‘we’d rather stay in our rooms and not go out at all than go out without you.’

  Helen looked to Yaz for some support but Yaz shook her head. ‘Don’t look at me,’ she said grinning. ‘I’m with them. I don’t want to go to some posh restaurant without you. It wouldn’t be the same.’

  Helen surrendered. If she had been feeling despair an hour earlier, then this was the complete opposite. All these old friends, all their good will, it really meant something. There was no way she could turn them down.

  ‘Okay, okay, I’ll go’ she said grinning. ‘But if that scrawny cow so much as looks at me funny I can’t guarantee that I won’t smack her one.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said Yaz, ‘if she does anything wrong you’ll have to join the queue to get to her.’

  12.

  Helen knocked on the door to Yaz’s room so that they could go down to reception together. Although the prospect of the evening ahead filled her with dread, little of it was due to Caitlin. Yes, Caitlin would be her usual mean-spirited self but it was Aiden’s presence that truly set her on edge. No good would come of him sharing whatever was on his mind and while her natural curiosity was piqued she determined to override it. Her mission tonight was simple: avoid Aiden.

  Yaz looked amazing in a black top with chiffon sleeves and black trousers and Helen told her so.