by Hannah Ellis
She made it impossible for me to request more time off, and after apologising profusely, I scurried out of her office with my tail between my legs.
Adam ended up taking the week off work, and I was glad. He needed a break and Hailey needed the time with him. They spent most of the week lazing in front of the TV, which was good for both of them.
Guilt niggled me constantly. If only I’d spent more time with Hailey and found out sooner what was going on, I could have saved her so much stress.
When there was no sign of her on Saturday morning, I ventured up to her room, knocking lightly before pushing the door open. She was sitting at her desk, her back to me. She pulled out her earphones and turned to me.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said, swivelling in her chair. “Can you help me with this?”
I nodded as I walked over and smiled when I saw the Star Wars puzzle pieces spread over her desk. “I thought I’d put that in the bin.”
“I found it and took it out,” she told me, looking me in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”
She moved over and I perched on the chair beside her, poring over the puzzle. “It doesn’t matter.”
*****
Adam took Hailey to school on Monday morning and rang me at work afterwards to tell me it had all gone well. She’d gone in happily with Imogen and Zac. His phone call did little to put my mind at ease, however, and I spent the whole day worrying about how her day was going. I needed things to go well for her. It seemed like we were fighting one battle after another, and I just needed something to go right for once. When I arrived at Havendon Juniors that afternoon I had time to spare. I sat in the car and pulled out my phone, needing to kill time before the bell went.
“This is a surprise,” Chrissie said when she answered. “What did I do to deserve a phone call from you?”
“Thanks. Make me feel like an awful friend, why don’t you?”
“So you’re calling to find out how I am and see what’s happening with me?”
“Yes,” I said confidently. “How are you?”
“Fine, thanks, but I’m too busy for small talk. What do you want?” She laughed when I hesitated. “Oh come on, we both know you need something. Spit it out.”
“Sorry! I’m actually looking for a new grief counsellor for Hailey, and wondered if you can recommend someone. I’ve searched the internet and I’ve got a list of names but I don’t know how to choose one.” Chrissie was a social worker. I was hoping she’d have some connections – or at least be able to point me in the right direction. My search had left me feeling confused. I wanted to pick the best counsellor for Hailey.
“Is Amelie Bright on your list?”
I glanced at the piece of paper in my hand. “Yes, but I already tried her and the receptionist said she’s not taking new patients at the moment.”
“That sounds about right. But she’s the best. I can give her a call. Our paths cross frequently. I’d say she’s a friend, but she’s a psychotherapist and that’s not really the kind of friend I want, if you know what I mean…”
“Not really.”
“Never mind. She’s amazing. I’ll fill her in on Hailey and see if she’ll take her on.”
“That would be brilliant.”
“No problem. I’m fine, by the way! Life is good. Nice of you to check in with me!” I heard her laughter down the line before she hung up, leaving me sitting in the car, smiling. I got out and moved to the school gates, mingling with the other parents.
“Imogen was so excited about Hailey starting,” Karen said when I found her and Angela in the crowd.
“I hope the first day went well,” I said nervously.
“She’ll love it.” Angela smiled at me. “Was Ruth okay about it?”
“She seems to be warming to the idea. Once Adam had made the decision and she realised it wasn’t up for discussion any more, she was surprisingly all right about it.”
Ruth hadn’t apologised for what she’d said to me, but she seemed to be making some effort to be nice to me and I took that as an apology, certain it was as close as I would ever get to one. I moved my gaze from the school to Angela and Karen, who were smiling at me supportively. “I’m still kicking myself that I didn’t insist she moved schools earlier,” I told them.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Karen said. “Hindsight is a wonderful thing.”
There was a sudden buzz as the school doors opened and groups of kids came bustling out. My chest tightened at the sight of Hailey with Zac and Imogen, smiling and laughing as they walked towards us. I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked back tears. Hailey wouldn’t thank me for blubbing at the school gates.
“Hi!” She greeted me with a smile and I thought of all the miserable times I’d picked her up from her old school.
“How was it?” I asked as she walked beside me to the car.
“Awesome!”
I managed a nod. I made it into the car before I let out a sob and pushed my palms into my eyes in an attempt to hold back the deluge.
“Oh God, what’s wrong?” Hailey asked indifferently.
“I’m just sorry you didn’t move schools sooner.” I sniffed.
“It’s not really your fault, is it?”
“I could’ve done something.”
“You did. Eventually. Can you just drive me home? I don’t want my friends to see you crying.”
“Sorry,” I said, attempting to pull myself together.
“You’re so pathetic,” Hailey told me when I started the engine. I turned and caught her smile and we both laughed.
Chapter 24
It was odd to pick Hailey up without the usual feeling of dread – and stranger still to be greeted with a smile. A week went by. I wondered how long it would take for me to get used to it: for her smile to seem normal and not a novelty.
I didn’t ask how her day was any more. I didn’t need to; she’d launch into a full account as soon as we got in the car. She told me all about the other kids in her class: the ones she liked, the ones she didn’t like, the class clown, the teacher’s pet – I knew them all. It was less than a five-minute drive from the school to our house and I wished it were longer. I could’ve driven around all evening listening to Hailey chatter away.
Thanks to Chrissie’s connection, I managed to get Amelie Bright to take over Hailey’s counselling. She was based in Manchester but did one day a week in a clinic in Brinkwell, and agreed to fit Hailey in on Wednesday evenings. Adam took her to the first appointment and I found myself increasingly anxious while I waited for them to come home. Now that Hailey was doing so well at school, I was nervous of anything which could potentially unsettle her. I needn’t have worried.
“How was it?” I asked when they walked in. I stopped stirring the pasta sauce, which I’d been using as a distraction, and turned to talk to them.
“She’s nice,” Adam said, joining Emily at the table.
“Was it okay, Hailey?” I was practically holding my breath as I waited for her verdict.
“Amelie’s cool,” she told me casually. “Much nicer than annoying Mrs Miller. Is dinner ready?”
“Yeah.” I had a smile on my face when I pulled out plates and piled spaghetti on them.
The girls sucked up the spaghetti, laughing as Adam did the same. I caught his eye and smiled. He was in a good mood for once, so I decided I’d take advantage of it and talk to him about doing my teacher training.
I waited until the kids were in bed and we were sitting on the couch.
“I’ve been thinking about work,” I said. “I think I’m going to do my teacher training next year. I don’t want to put it off any longer.”
He muted the TV and turned to me. “I thought you were happy at St Jude’s.”
“I’d stay at St Jude’s. I can do my teacher training with them – that was the original plan. I’ll probably have to do a lot of sweet-talking – I’m not exactly the favourite member of staff at the moment, but I think I
could manage it.”
“So what would that mean? More hours?”
“Yeah. It won’t be easy, but I want to teach and I don’t want to keep putting it off.”
“What about Hailey?”
“She could walk back from school. Ruth would be here for her when she gets home. Other kids her age get themselves home. We live in a village and everyone looks out for each other. I don’t think it would be a problem.”
The school was on the road out of the village, only a ten-minute walk from the infants school where Emily went, so theoretically Ruth could pick both girls up – although I couldn’t imagine Hailey thanking us for that.
“But we’d be relying on Mum more. I thought you wanted her around less, not more.”
“I don’t have a problem her being around to look after the girls; I just don’t like that she seems to be here to check up on me all the time. I don’t think she’d mind staying with the girls a bit longer in the afternoon.”
“I don’t know. It feels like everything is just settling down and it’s going to disrupt things again.”
I felt my throat getting tighter and wondered whether he was right. Wouldn’t it be better to just keep the peace at home? Did I have the energy for teacher training, or for a full-time job? Even talking to Adam about it felt suddenly too much for me, so maybe I was overestimating myself.
“I don’t even know if Jean would agree to it. She’s not very happy with me after all the time I’ve missed.”
“It’s up to you.” He turned back to the TV. “I guess we’ll figure things out, if it’s what you really want.”
“But you’d rather I didn’t?”
He frowned and gave me his usual annoying shrug, signalling he didn’t want to discuss it further.
“So you can’t be supportive?” I asked.
“Yes. I will be supportive,” he managed, sounding anything but. He handed me the remote and walked out of the room.
As his footsteps receded up the stairs, I stared blankly at the TV for a while, waiting for him to fall asleep.
“You’ve got great timing,” Mike told me casually when I walked into the deserted pub. “I was just about to lock up.”
“Do you mind?”
“No. Do the bar,” he said, throwing me a cloth and pointing to a bottle of spray cleaner. He locked the door behind me and I enjoyed wiping down every surface I could find while Mike cashed up the till. I’d worked up a sweat by the time I’d finished. When I looked over, Mike was leaning against the bar, watching me with a smile on his face. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”
I brushed the hair out of my face with the back of my hand and wiped my chemical-smelling hands on my jeans before taking up position at the bar, exchanging my cleaning supplies for a glass of crisp white wine. I took a long sip, savouring the taste.
“I was thinking about my career. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher, but now it seems selfish of me to want that. I don’t know what to do.”
Mike pulled up a stool beside me, a pint of lager in his hand. “What does Adam think?”
“He’s not thrilled by the idea.”
“You need to have your own life too, besides Adam and the girls. You’ll go mad otherwise.”
“That’s the thing – I feel like I am going mad half the time. My life seems so unreal sometimes. I feel that if I do my teacher training, I’d get a bit of my old life back. It’d be like I haven’t lost everything.” I stopped and looked at Mike, hearing how I sounded. “That came out wrong,” I told him. “Of course I didn’t lose everything. But sometimes I feel like I have no control any more. I’m just being swept along with it all.”
“You certainly gave up a lot.”
“I feel like I gave up the most,” I said, resentfully. “Maybe that’s what makes me want to get on with my career. I’m jealous that Adam still has his career. Plus he gets all the credit. He’s the hero of the tale, taking on his nieces and working himself to the bone to provide for them.”
“Well, aren’t we bitter this evening?” Mike said. I sipped my wine. “But that’s not the story I hear. If I were to listen to gossip, which I don’t, of course, I’d tell you that you’re practically Superwoman in your little story.”
“Really?” I don’t know why it mattered, but it did. He nodded and I placed my drink down with a shy smile.
“Adam gave up a lot too.” Mike glanced around at Adam’s photos which hung around the pub. “It can’t be easy to get so close to your dream and then walk away.”
“I tried to get him to go back to it, but he won’t.”
“That’s understandable.”
“Is it? I don’t really get it.” I shook my head, not wanting to discuss it. “Anyway, tell me something fun. How’s the internet dating? Have you met up with anyone yet?”
“Not yet. I’m still working up the courage. I’ve been talking to one woman a lot. Maybe I’ll ask her out.”
“You should. It would be good for you to have something else in your life besides this place.”
“Maybe,” he said vaguely.
Mike would make someone a great boyfriend. He was good-looking and funny. There was an easy charm about him, and he was comfortable to be around. He always seemed to know the right thing to say.
I finished my wine as Mike reached the bottom of his pint, and decided it was time to head home. “Thanks for the drink and the chat.”
“Any time,” he told me, unbolting the door and pulling it open for me to slip back out into the night.
Chapter 25
Every day at work, I thought about talking to Jean Stoke about the teacher training programme. My conversation with Adam played on my mind and I wondered whether I should give up the whole idea of teaching. Things were strained between Adam and me, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to rock the boat any further. Especially now that Hailey was finally settling and the girls were doing so well. Every afternoon I left work promising myself I would make a decision and talk to Jean the following day. I wanted to talk to Adam about it again, but he was always so tired and distant in the evenings that I never felt like bringing the subject up. I’d need to make a decision soon; the school year would be over before I knew it.
It was a Tuesday and again I’d kicked myself for walking out of work without making it to Jean’s office. However, it was my birthday, so I had a good excuse. Tomorrow, I told myself, definitely tomorrow.
The atmosphere in the kitchen at dinnertime was awful. I sat at the table with the girls while Ruth paced up and down, occasionally craning her neck to look out the window and down the drive for Adam. The disappointment on Hailey’s face was killing me. I suddenly hated Adam.
“Let’s just eat,” I said to Ruth. “The kids are hungry.”
I, on the other hand, had no appetite. I just wanted the day to be over.
“He’ll be here any minute,” Ruth said, her voice anything but confident. “I spoke to him yesterday. He said he’d be home early for dinner, and then he was going to take you out to the pub.”
It wasn’t the most romantic of plans anyway – hardly any effort for him really, but still he couldn’t manage it.
“He wouldn’t forget your birthday,” Ruth said firmly. I wanted to cry. It wasn’t as though I was the sort of person who made a big fuss about birthdays; I didn’t need to spend a whole weekend celebrating, but I did like the phone calls from my friends and family and I enjoyed eating cake with those closest to me.
Adam had rushed out in the morning, complaining he was late for work. I’d had phone calls throughout the day from my parents and my little brothers, and a few of my friends. I hadn’t heard from Adam all day and every time the phone rang I’d expected it to be him. All day, I expected him to remember and call me in a panic.
That hadn’t happened, though, and now he wasn’t even going to make it home for dinner. I stood up, needing to do something. “We should just eat. He must have been held up.”
“Why isn’t he answering his phone?” Rut
h grumbled. Her face fell when I looked at her, and I hated him even more because I knew what she was thinking.
“He’s fine,” I said and moved closer to her to whisper, “Nothing has happened. He’ll be home soon.”
Her hands shook as she tried to call him again.
“Stop,” I said gently and took the phone from her hands. “His phone is switched off. He probably forgot to charge it. I’ll ring Carl and find out how late they have to work.”
I grabbed my phone and rang Carl. He answered after a few rings, sounding surprised but happy to hear from me.
“I bet you don’t really want to talk to me, do you?” he said.
“Is Adam around?” I asked.
“Somewhere,” he said. “Hang on.”
I moved the phone away from my mouth. “He’s fine,” I told Ruth. “Just stuck at work.”
“Hi,” Adam’s voice came down the line. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. We were just waiting for you for dinner, and you didn’t answer your phone.”
“Sorry, the battery must be dead. Work’s crazy but I should be leaving soon.”
“Okay,” I said. “No rush.”
I hung up and moved to dish up the lasagne Ruth had made. There was a chocolate cake standing next to it that Emily had helped decorate. The three of them were looking at me when I turned around with plates of food.
“He’s running late,” I said quickly, trying desperately to hide my pain. “We’ll eat without him.”
“He’s not coming to the party?” Emily asked.
“Nope,” I said, setting a plate in front of her. “Just us girls. Which means more cake for us,” I added.
I longed for the days when I only had myself to worry about. What a treat it would be to storm up to bed and be miserable in peace, but I had to keep the cheerful ‘I don’t care’ act going for another couple of hours until the girls were in bed. Ruth wasn’t helping matters. Her silence was unnerving.
