by Hannah Ellis
I tucked into my lukewarm lasagne and told the girls to do the same. Hailey glared at me but didn’t say anything. She slowly started to eat. Emily told me all about how she’d helped with the cake. She’d made me a card too, and a necklace of green beads, which hung around my neck. Ruth had given me a pair of slippers and some bath products.
Emily’s chatter filled the air, and for most of the meal I managed to push thoughts of Adam from my mind. I blew out my candles and we moved in to the living room to eat cake in front of the TV. I cuddled Emily on the couch until CBeebies was over for the day.
“Shall I put Emily to bed?” Ruth asked.
“No, it’s fine,” I said. “Say goodnight to Gran, girls, and go and get ready for bed. I’ll be up in a minute.”
Hailey ushered Emily up the stairs and Ruth turned to me. “I can’t believe he’s still not home,” she whispered.
“It doesn’t matter,” I told her feebly. “Thanks for dinner and my cake.”
“You’re welcome.” She hugged me, and I thought I was going to cry. “I’ll kill him,” she said fiercely when she moved away.
“After I do,” I said, managing a smile. “See you in the morning.”
I forced myself up the stairs and helped Emily finish getting ready for bed, sitting with her until she fell asleep.
“Don’t stay up too late,” I told Hailey when I looked in on her. She had her earphones in and a magazine on her lap.
“Lucy,” she called when I started to walk away. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I said. “I’m tired. I’m going to go to bed too.” I left her and went to put my pyjamas on and crawl into bed. In the silence, I listened for Adam coming home and debated what to say to him. A part of me didn’t want to say anything at all: being so angry with him was exhausting, and arguing with him was so much effort.
“Lucy?” Hailey’s voice interrupted my thoughts and she edged into the room to perch beside me on the bed.
I saw the tears in her eyes and sat up. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head and held her hand out. “I made you this. You probably won’t like it. It’s kind of stupid…”
“I love it,” I told her, taking the friendship bracelet from her. I remembered Ruth buying her a kit and she’d complained to me that she used to make friendship bracelets when she was seven and they were just for kids. “Tie it on for me,” I said, holding out my wrist. She tied a knot and I held out my arm to admire the greens and blues. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She leaned over and gave me a big hug. “I’m sorry Uncle Adam forgot your birthday.”
“Don’t you be sorry,” I said. “He’ll be sorry enough for himself when I see him!” I tried to make light of it but the tears that fell down her face told me she wasn’t fooled. “It’s okay,” I said, squeezing her hand.
“Is it?” she asked, her big green eyes regarding me intensely. I couldn’t defend Adam’s behaviour to Hailey; I didn’t want her to think it was acceptable.
I shook my head and swallowed the lump in my throat. “It’s not okay,” I told her and pulled her to me for another hug. I didn’t know how to explain things to her because I didn’t understand them myself. My relationship with Adam was falling apart. Forgetting my birthday was just another way he’d let me down. I was becoming the sort of woman who would put up with anything. What could I do, though? It would be so easy if it was just the two of us. I could walk away and never look back. But there were kids involved. I was trapped.
“Sorry you had a rubbish birthday,” Hailey said, pulling away from me.
“It wasn’t all bad,” I said, glancing at my bracelet. “You’d better go to bed. Don’t worry about Adam and me, okay?”
She smiled and walked out of the room. I switched off the bedside lamp and was just nodding off when I heard the click of the front door closing. A floorboard creaked at the top of the stairs and I heard mumbled voices before Adam came into the room.
“You’re already in bed?” he said, when the light from the hallway flooded in. I sat up and turned on the lamp. He took his wallet and phone out of his pockets and put them on the dresser. “Any idea why Hailey waited up especially to tell me she hates me?”
“She’s upset you forgot my birthday,” I told him and watched confusion flash across his face. There was a moment when I thought he was going to correct me. Tell me it wasn’t my birthday today. Then he closed his eyes and swore softly, dropping onto the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry,” he said when he finally turned to look at me. “Work was crazy. I had such a bad day…”
“Me too,” I said bitterly.
“I’m so sorry,” he said again. “I can’t believe I forgot.”
“How did you forget?” I asked. “Your mum spoke to you about it, and Emily’s been wittering about it for ages. It’s not like no one’s mentioned it!”
“I know,” he said pathetically. “I just lost track of the days. I wasn’t thinking…”
“You weren’t thinking about me,” I said miserably. “Which sums up our whole relationship, doesn’t it?”
“Of course I think about you.” He dropped his head into his hands and I almost felt sorry for him; there was no way he could win this argument. He’d really messed up this time. “I’ll make it up to you,” he said, looking me in the eye.
Turning away from him, I switched off the light and lay on my side. I listened as he undressed and got into bed beside me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered in the darkness. We lay silently, and neither of us fell asleep for a long time.
Chapter 26
Adam wasn’t beside me when I woke. Glancing at the clock, I realised I was running late. I vaguely remembered hitting the snooze button a couple of times. Bickering voices drifted up to me when I headed to the bathroom, but I ignored them and showered quickly.
“I overslept,” I told Ruth when I finally walked into the kitchen, taking the coffee she handed me and sitting down for some cereal. “Thanks for doing the sandwiches.”
“Can you drop me at Zac’s this morning?” Hailey asked, getting up from the kitchen table. Adam was sitting opposite Emily, sipping a coffee.
“Yeah, but I need to leave soon,” I said. Since she didn’t like being early for school, Adam or I would sometimes drop her at Angela’s and she’d walk from there with Zac and Imogen. On other days she’d walk down to the village with Emily and Ruth, then continue alone, usually finding friends to walk with along the way.
“I’ll be ready in two minutes,” she told me, hurrying upstairs.
“Don’t forget to brush your teeth!” Ruth and I shouted after her at the same time.
“I’ll see you this evening,” I said a few minutes later, running a hand over Emily’s hair. “Have fun at school.”
Adam stood when I walked past him and took my hand, pulling me to him and kissing me on the cheek.
“See you later,” I said with a weak smile.
“I’ll be home early,” he told me.
I didn’t respond, just headed off to work, dropping Hailey on the way.
For once, Adam kept his word and arrived home from work at a reasonable time. Ruth left when he came in, falsely believing we needed time alone. She’d asked if we wanted her to stay with the girls so we could go out, but I’d declined her offer. She was finally trying to give us some space but – ironically – I didn’t want it any more. I’d have preferred it if she’d stayed for dinner. I had no desire to be alone with Adam, and the girls weren’t enough of a buffer.
“Happy belated birthday!” Adam said cheerfully after Ruth left. I stopped dishing up dinner and turned to face him. I took the small jewellery box he held out and for a moment was transported back to a time when such a box would have thrilled me. Before the girls came to live with us, I’d often imagined him proposing – and had been ecstatic at the idea. I swallowed, praying it wasn’t a ring, and relaxed when I flicked open the lid to see earrings – little studs in the shape of flowers.
“Thanks,” I said, kissing him on the cheek and then holding out the box to show the girls as they crowded around me. I put them aside. It was too little too late. Even when he knew he was in my bad books, he couldn’t manage to think of something special or personal. The shop assistant had probably picked those out for him. I glanced at my bracelet from Hailey and thought of my tacky beads from Emily; the girls had definitely won when it came to giving me jewellery. The girls chatted over dinner and, when I put Emily to bed, I snuggled in beside her, and woke the next morning in the same position.
As the week continued, Adam and I fell into a routine of polite conversations and awkward silences. When I sat on the couch with him on Saturday evening I was exhausted and in no mood for an argument.
“How long do you plan on giving me the cold shoulder for?” he asked casually.
“I don’t really know,” I said flatly.
“I forgot your birthday and I apologised. I don’t know what else I can do.”
“It’s not just the birthday,” I told him. “It’s so much more.”
“Like what?” he asked defensively.
I took a breath and searched for some energy. Had he really no idea? “Everything,” I said. “I’m miserable. We’re falling apart and I hate that the kids are watching everything we do. We’re setting a really bad example.”
“What?” He sounded confused. He genuinely didn’t seem to see things the same way I did.
“Our life has become about getting through the day or the week, or the month. I hate that. I want us to plan ahead and set goals. I want to follow our dreams!”
“Is this about the photography again?” he asked, the muscles along his jaw tensing.
“Yes,” I said. “Among other things.”
“We’ve already talked about this. I don’t know why you keep pushing me.”
“Because I’m your girlfriend,” I said, raising my voice. “Why shouldn’t I push you? And why won’t you push me? Or at least support me. I told you I wanted to do my teacher training and you brushed it aside. You weren’t supportive at all.”
He shifted in his seat and I wondered whether he was going to walk away. “There’s more to think about than what we want,” he said. “We have to think about what’s best for the girls, and that means sacrificing some things.”
“It doesn’t have to,” I said. “Things aren’t as simple as they used to be, but it doesn’t mean we have to give up on the things we want out of life. The girls should look up to us and see they can do whatever they set their minds to.”
“Do the teacher training then,” he said. “I thought you were going to anyway.”
“I will,” I told him, battling my emotions. “It would just be nice if … Never mind.”
More than anything, I wanted him to be supportive of my career, but I was fighting a losing battle. He was so hard to talk to and every time I tried I ended up more frustrated. I got up and went into the hall, needing to escape. “I’m going for a walk,” I told him. “I need some air.”
I ignored the puzzled look on Adam’s face and left.
Chapter 27
As May crawled on, the evenings began to draw out. It made such a difference to the day. The girls played outside after school, they’d starting going to friends’ houses sometimes for dinner, or they’d have friends over to us. I liked to clean the kitchen to the sound of the kids playing outside. Even the sibling bickering was bearable when they were out in the sunshine.
It was Wednesday and Adam had taken Hailey to her counselling session. They joined Emily outside when they got home and I was watching them out of the window, the three of them laughing. I hated the fact that it made me angry. Why could those little girls make him laugh, but I couldn’t? Not that I ever tried any more. We lived parallel lives, with the kids between us, keeping us together.
I knew that if I went out and joined them, Adam’s smile would fade and he’d make an excuse to go inside. These days there was always an atmosphere between us.
When they came in, we went through the motions of getting them up to bed, the kids’ chatter masking the fact that Adam and I didn’t speak to each other.
The girls were tired and fell asleep quickly. Coming downstairs, I found Adam on the couch, a beer bottle in his hand, staring at the TV.
He didn’t notice me and I went to the kitchen, sitting at the table with a glass of wine and staring into space.
Again, I didn’t bother to wait until Adam was asleep before I made my way out of the house. I’d stopped caring what he might say. I didn’t even fully register that I was going out until I heard his voice. My hand was on the door handle.
“Where are you going?” he said, startling me.
I felt the guilt course through me, and at the same time chastised myself because I had nothing to feel guilty about.
“Just a walk around the village,” I lied, almost without hesitation. “A bit of fresh air before bed.” I turned to leave, only really caring about getting away from him.
“We live in a village,” he said angrily. “People talk. I know you’re going to see Mike.”
I found myself strangely relieved that he only knew about my visits to the pub. Adam thinking I was cheating on him with the barman seemed better than him finding out I spent a lot of time complaining about him to his dead father. All those evenings I’d spent telling Tom that I didn’t know how long I could keep going, that I would probably leave his son soon. I thought that if I talked to him enough, I’d eventually hear him telling me not to go. I thought he’d tell me I had to stay – because I’d promised him I would.
If the last words I’d spoken to Tom hadn’t been a promise to stay by Adam’s side, would I still be there? A part of me knew I needed to break that promise before the promise broke me.
Looking up at Adam, I couldn’t find any words. I couldn’t bring myself to argue with him. Couldn’t find it in me to protest my innocence.
“I just need some air,” I said. “I won’t be long.”
Under the light of the street lamps I took my usual route, walking quickly into the village and then up the hill to the graveyard. I sat with my back against the cool marble of Tom’s headstone, exhaustion finally enveloping me as I told him I’d come to say goodbye.
Chapter 28
I woke abruptly. The marble had numbed my cheek, and it took me a moment to remember where I was. I shivered on the cold ground and jumped with fright at the figure looming over me.
Adam bent down to me.
“I’ve been looking all over for you,” he said gruffly. He didn’t sound relieved to have found me. “What are you doing here?” He didn’t wait for an answer, but pulled me up and led me across the churchyard, back to the street.
Tension radiated from him. Fear crept over me. Under the streetlight I was shocked to see blood staining his cheek.
“What happened?” I demanded, stopping and turning Adam to face me.
His eyes flashed with anger and he flinched when I moved my hand to his grazed cheek. “I had an argument with Mike.”
“Adam! What have you done?”
“What did you expect?” he growled. “You’re sneaking around with the local barman – who happens to be my friend! – and you think I’m not going to say anything? What the hell, Lucy!”
“Oh God, Adam, it’s not like that.” My heart was pounding. I took a step away from him. How on earth had we come to this?
“Don’t lie to me!” His voice was loud and angry, but I saw the hurt in his eyes and felt sorry for him. For both of us. I’d never imagined our relationship could become such a mess. We had been so solid, once upon a time.
“I’m not lying!” I yelled, exasperated. “There’s nothing going on between me and Mike.”
He eyed me with contempt. “I don’t believe you.”
There was silence. I only found my voice when Adam turned to walk away.
“Mike was with me,” I said, my voice quivering with emotion. “When I found your dad.”
Adam’s eyes softened at the mention of Tom, and I realised I should have told him long ago. He’d never asked for details about that day, and I had never offered them. It was hard for me to re-live.
Becky and Will had been in a car accident. They’d both died instantly. Thank God the girls hadn’t been with them. We’d all gone to France but Tom and I flew back after the funeral. Adam and Ruth stayed in France, packing up the house and dealing with a mountain of paperwork. There was so much to do and every tiny detail was heart-breaking.
Tom had been unwell; he’d fainted after the funeral. Ruth had insisted it was all too much for him and he should go home. We could get the girls’ rooms ready and Tom would go to see Dr Griffin for a check-up. When we got home he had, reluctantly, seen the doctor and been given the all-clear. We were told he’d just fainted due to shock and grief.
“Mike was passing when I left the house that morning,” I told Adam, my voice shaky. “He said he’d come and see Tom, ask if he could do anything to help. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been there. He took over, called the police and dealt with all the formalities.” I had been numb, sitting beside Tom’s body, unable to believe he’d gone. He’d had a massive heart attack … but he looked so peaceful sitting in his favourite spot on the couch. All I could think was that I’d have to ring Adam and tell him he’d lost his dad as well as his sister and brother-in-law. It was too much. How could life be so cruel? It had seemed surreal. “Mike helped me out of the house when my legs refused to work,” I whispered. Adam didn’t need to hear the whole truth: that when the gentle persuasion of the police officers didn’t work, Mike had dragged me, sobbing and hysterical, from Tom’s side. He’d helped me home and then held me while I cried.
“He sat with me when I called you in France to tell you what had happened, and stayed with me until you came home. He put food in front of me and insisted I ate.” I paused, blinking back tears as I waded through the memories. “And then you were home with the girls, and he was gone, and I had to be the one to make sure that people ate, to see that everyone was all right. Mike asks if I’m okay. He can see I’m not okay. He’s only ever been a friend to me, I promise.” I still hated that Mike had seen me fall apart the way I had. For a while, I’d avoided him – partly because I was embarrassed and partly because seeing him brought back memories that I’d rather keep buried.
