by Hannah Ellis
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
“I should sleep,” I said. “I’m sorry for waking you. I shouldn’t have called.”
I thought I heard him say it was fine, just before I hung up. I kept the phone in my hand, too exhausted to move.
Chapter 45
The next morning, I was woken by an odd noise. I had no idea what it was for a couple of confusing minutes. By the time I realised it was my phone, the dreadful ringing had stopped. I lifted my head, squinting into the sunlight that streamed spitefully through the window. Curtains are a great invention – when you remember to use them.
The memories came back to me in a vicious assault, one after the other – bang, bang, bang. I groaned and lay back, not sure which part of the night I felt worst about.
Then my phone started up again, its noise gnawing into my head. After some scrabbling, I found it right beside me. Adam’s name flashed up on the screen.
“Hi,” I said, trying to recall exactly what I’d said to him last night.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” I said, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling. I was so embarrassed. Why on earth did I call him? And I told him I kissed Mike! I’m such an idiot! “I’m sorry for waking you last night.”
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I’m on my way to work. I just wanted to check if you’ll still make it over to see the girls today.”
I groaned again. I hadn’t even thought about the girls. Tears flooded my eyes and a wave of self-loathing stormed through my body. “I’m sorry,” I said, sniffing. “I won’t make it until later.”
“That’s fine,” he said calmly. “I told Mum and the girls you wouldn’t make it until lunchtime; I presumed you might be feeling delicate this morning. But if that’s not okay, I’ll let them know now. The girls will be getting excited.”
“Lunchtime is fine,” I said quickly. “I want to see them. I’ll sleep a bit more and I’ll be fine.”
“Great. They always look forward to seeing you. It gives them a break from Mum and me. Hailey seems to think we’re awful people most of the time!”
I managed a laugh, more of a snort really, surprised by the normality of the conversation. After my drunken rant, I’d thought he’d be even more distant.
“She’s just a ten-year-old,” I told him. “I wouldn’t take it personally.”
“I try not to. I should let you get back to sleep. How’s the head?”
I moved to get comfy, pulling the duvet around me. “Terrible.”
“I’ll bet. Get some more sleep and drink plenty of water. That should help. Have fun with the girls later.”
“I will,” I said, hanging up, turning onto my side and closing my eyes.
I napped for an hour. The hangover calmed down after a shower and some toast, but returned with full force when I got the bus into town to retrieve my car. There were too many people in the confined space and the air was stale and stuffy. I got off a stop early and enjoyed the fresh air as I walked the final stretch to the car.
The weather was nice, so I took the girls for ice creams in the park and then we drove into Brinkwell for a walk around the shops. I bought Emily new hair slides with fairies on and a pair of sunglasses for Hailey. They were both pleased with their purchases when we got in the car and headed back home.
The house smelled delicious when we walked in. Adam was in the kitchen with an apron tied around his waist.
“You’re cooking?” Hailey asked, surprised.
“Hey! I’m a good cook,” he told her, looking at me. I nodded my agreement, though it had been a long time since I’d seen him do any cooking.
“I’ll leave you to it,” I said. “I should head home.”
The girls groaned and their disapproval felt like hands tightening around my heart.
“You’re welcome to stay for dinner,” Adam said, turning his back to me to stir a pot on the stove.
“Thanks, but I should get going.”
“Please stay,” Emily said.
“I’ll see you soon,” I told her, giving her a big kiss on the cheek. “Bye, Hailey.” She smiled her goodbye and Adam followed me to the front door.
“Thanks for today,” he said.
I hovered awkwardly. “I had fun.”
“Are you sure you won’t stay for dinner?” he asked. “Maybe we could talk later.”
Great! Now he wants to talk when I’m hungover and can’t think straight! “Not today, Adam. I’m tired.” I really didn’t have the energy. I couldn’t bring myself to look at his face: he’d look wounded or angry and I couldn’t deal with either so I said goodbye and walked quickly away.
On the drive home, I struggled to make sense of my feelings. I’d been so sure that I wanted to move on from Adam, and yet I was wracked with guilt over kissing Mike – and my stupid blind date. It felt like a betrayal. How would I feel if I found that Adam had been out for dinner with another woman? What if he kissed someone else? It was bound to happen at some point. Eventually, he’d meet someone new. Someone to take my place in his heart – and in our home. Suddenly, I felt sick.
I arrived back at Matt and Chrissie’s empty house. There were times when I’d lived with the girls when all I’d wanted was peace and quiet, but now I had that, it seemed louder than anything. I switched on the TV to fill the silence and stared blankly at a nature documentary for an hour. My mind wouldn’t focus and my thoughts constantly wandered to Adam. A bridal magazine on the coffee table seemed to be taunting me, and eventually I stuffed it under a cushion out of sight.
The evening stretched out before me. I’d just pulled a packet of crisps from the cupboard, wondering if they would pass for a full meal, when the doorbell rang.
Adam stood on the front steps.
“I thought I’d take you out for dinner, since I couldn’t tempt you with my cooking,” he said, skipping pleasantries. “Unless you have other plans?”
“I had planned on having these,” I told him, holding up the bag of crisps and trying to hide my surprise that he’d driven all the way over to ask me out to dinner.
“Well, that’s hard to compete with,” he said, looking vulnerable.
I smiled. My feelings were so jumbled that I didn’t trust myself around him. This didn’t feel like moving on. It felt like he was asking me on a date! But I could hardly turn him away without even talking to him.
“I’m sorry about last night,” I said, beckoning him in and closing the door but not moving from the hallway. “I was really drunk.”
“I know. It’s fine.”
“It doesn’t change anything,” I told him, leaning against the wall.
“Just come for dinner with me,” he pleaded.
I shook my head in frustration. “Why? Because you’re jealous that I kissed Mike? Or that I went on a date?”
“Yes. Partly. But mostly because I miss you and I want my best friend back. I want you back with us. Where you belong.”
He held my gaze and I looked at the floor. I missed him too. But things had been awful between us. I had to keep reminding myself of that.
“I need to move on,” I told him. “We both do. You said yourself that we make each other miserable.”
“I only said that because I was angry at you. And at the world.” He paused, his eyes boring into me. “I’ve been talking to Hailey’s counsellor, Amelie Bright. I know how bad things were, and how much I messed up, but I want to make things right.”
I looked up, surprised by the revelation. “I can’t think straight now,” I told him. “I’m hungover and confused. I think it’s better if we talk another time.”
I opened the door for him, avoiding his gaze. If I looked him in the eye, I knew I’d cave.
He walked towards the door but stopped in front of me. “Just have dinner with me,” he said quietly. I stared at my feet until I felt his hand on my chin, forcing me to face him. “Please.”
“Adam—”
“You don’t even like cheese and onion c
risps,” he said, smiling as he took the packet of crisps from me. “And I put a shirt on and drove all the way here.”
My resolve crumbled. “I’ll get changed,” I said reluctantly, sure that going out with him would only complicate matters but unable to resist.
“Thank you,” he said, closing the door. “You home alone?”
“Chrissie and Matt have gone away for the weekend.”
Adam was perched on the couch when I returned, his elbows on his knees and his head resting against his clenched hands as though deep in prayer.
“Ta-da!” I said awkwardly and did a quick twirl to show off my new dress. It was an impulse buy from the day I’d spent shopping and having a mini-makeover.
I’d spent too long mulling over what to wear. I wasn’t sure what was appropriate: I didn’t want to look like I was making too much effort but I was keen for my new dress to have an outing.
He turned to look at me. “I was starting to think you’d left me down here to starve.”
“I gave you snacks!”
“Long gone.” He motioned to the empty crisp packet, then stood and looked at me, his gaze travelling over my body. “You look great.”
“Thanks,” I said, suddenly self-conscious. “Sorry I took so long – I decided I needed a shower.”
“No problem. You’re slightly overdressed for Burger King, though…”
“You’d better not take me to Burger King!”
“Okay, plan B then!” He escorted me out of the door and into his car.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“There’s an Italian place nearby. I drive past it on my way to work. It looks nice.” He glanced at me. “Or do you want to go somewhere else? I guess we eat pizza and pasta a lot.”
“It’s fine. I don’t care what we eat.” I was only thankful that he hadn’t suggested The White Kitchen. I’d had an email from Ollie a few days before, asking me to return the signed contract to them as they wanted to display Adam’s photos. I’d ignored the email. I was intending to call them and confess what I’d done. I needed to get the photos back.
Adam was right; the Italian was a lovely little restaurant a five-minute drive away. It was surprisingly quiet for a Saturday night, and we found a table tucked away in a corner. The evening was relaxed: we managed to avoid talking about the girls and the mess we’d made of our lives. Adam told me light-hearted anecdotes about his job and I told him stories about the kids in my school. Neither of us mentioned me losing my job and I neglected to mention the teacher training course – which now wasn’t going to happen.
Adam was quiet when he drove me back to Matt and Chrissie’s place. I felt his awkwardness before we pulled up at the house. It just seemed so wrong, him dropping me off and then driving away. This is why I should have held my ground and not agreed to go out with him. What we needed was a clean break.
“Do you want a coffee before you head back?” I asked to fill the silence, registering how tired he looked.
“That would be good, actually.”
“Is Ruth staying at your place?” I asked as we walked inside.
“No, I dropped the girls with her. They were excited about having a sleepover. Well, Emily was, at least.”
I flicked on the kettle and Adam leaned against the kitchen counter. “Hailey’s new counsellor seems to be working out well,” he told me awkwardly.
“Yeah? That’s great. And you’ve been talking to her too?”
“Yeah. When I first met her, she asked a lot of questions about how I was coping and how things were going with the rest of the family.”
“That makes sense, I guess.”
“I told her I was fine,” he said, shifting his weight. “I said we were all fine! And she told me I was welcome to call her once I’d had enough of the denial.”
I smiled at him as I made him a cup of instant coffee and a tea for myself.
“I met with her once after you left.”
I nodded and motioned for him to follow me into the living room.
“I told her how pissed off I was with you and that I didn’t know why you’d left now. A year or eighteen months ago, I wouldn’t have blamed you … but now? I just didn’t get it.”
I shook my head sadly. “You must have realised how bad things were between us.”
He shrugged, silent for a moment. “Amelie seemed to think that you leaving was sensible. But I also think she’s a bit crazy sometimes! Anyway, I went back to her last week to discuss Hailey and I ended up talking about you again. And I made a deal with her: I’ll see her once a week and bare my soul, and in return she’ll tell me how to get my girlfriend back.”
A smile crept slowly over my face. “She agreed to that?”
His nose wrinkled. “No. She didn’t seem keen on making deals!”
He’d taken me by surprise, and I wanted to tell him it wasn’t that simple. We should be concentrating on moving forward, not back. I opened my mouth but Adam interrupted me before I could voice my concerns.
“Just give us some time,” he said. “Maybe you could talk to Amelie too?”
“Me?” I looked at him mock-seriously. “But I’m fine!”
He laughed, and the sound rattled round the room. “Maybe I’ll give you her number for when you’ve had enough of the denial…”
“Maybe.” I smiled at him and he sank back into the couch, his legs stretched out in my direction.
His face was suddenly serious again. “I think I got so caught up in making sure the kids were okay that I forgot about us. I bottled everything up for the sake of the kids – but at our expense.”
I sighed. I didn’t know what to think. I’d been so sure we were better off apart, but Adam was finally opening up – which is what I had wanted for so long.
I didn’t pull away when his hand slipped into mine, our fingers lacing together.
Chapter 46
Adam had ended up sleeping on the couch, but was gone when I got up. He started calling me everyday after that. It’d taken me by surprise at first but over the next week I got used to our daily chats, I even started to look forward to them. We’d talk about work and the girls, filling each other in on our days. It began to feel normal, and when Adam asked me to stay and have dinner with them after I’d taken the girls out on Saturday, I’d readily agreed.
The relaxed meal had been marred only by my thoughts about The White Kitchen. When I hadn’t responded to Ollie’s email, he’d followed up with a phone call. I didn’t dare explain the situation over the phone and promised to call in on Sunday. My plan was still to take the photos back. It would be embarrassing, and Jonathan and Ollie would be unimpressed, but I had no choice. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Adam what I’d done, and the photos couldn’t be displayed without his signature on the contract.
I hadn’t had time to think about what I was going to do with Adam’s photos once I’d picked them up. After weighing up my options on the drive to The White Kitchen, I decided I’d take them to Dylan’s. He had space in his apartment above the pub, and he was the one person I knew who wouldn’t ask too many questions or pass judgement. He’d probably be amused by the predicament I’d got myself into, but I was sure he’d let me store them there for a while. It wouldn’t be for long; it’d be easy to sneak the photos back with the rest of Adam’s collection over the school holidays when Adam was at work.
With that clear in my head, I knocked on the door of The White Kitchen. After a moment, I knocked more loudly, but still got no reply. I walked slowly in the direction of White Ice, already feeling relieved at the thought of being able to drive away and deal with the situation another day.
When I looked through the window into the wine bar, I felt as though I’d just taken a steep drop on a big rollercoaster. How did I get myself into this mess? I was tempted to turn and run, but Ollie looked out and saw me, so I had no choice but to face up to the mess I’d caused. It was going to be much worse than I’d anticipated; they were going to be so angry with me.
&n
bsp; “What do you think?” Jonathan asked, turning to me when I pushed the door open. “Left a bit, right a bit?” He was standing on a chair holding up one of Adam’s photos. Adam’s work was propped up all around the room, and a man with a tool belt hovered next to Ollie, helping to direct Jonathan.
“A bit higher?” I suggested and then felt faint. A bit higher? Surely what I really meant was a bit further out the door, a bit down the road … a bit more in my car! Not a bit higher!
“She’s right,” Ollie said. “Stop there – it’s perfect.” He looked at me and I nodded my approval without taking my eyes off the picture. It was a photograph of local woodland, dense with trees whose leaves shone in autumnal tones. Adam had captured the moment the wind had blown leaves from the trees, and the beautiful golden shapes blew across the path in the foreground. I wanted to jump into the photo and run away down the path.
“We were joking that Adam was going to leave us high and dry again,” Jonathan said as he took out a pencil and marked where the picture should hang before climbing down from the chair.
“We are all set, aren’t we?” My head snapped towards Ollie as he spoke. “You’ve got the contract for us?”
I nodded and wondered if my smile did anything to hide my panic. When I saw Ollie looking at my hands, I let out a laugh, shaking my head as though I couldn’t believe what a scatterbrain I was. “I left it in the car! I’ll be right back.” I was surprised at how confident I sounded when I waltzed back out of the door.
Opening the passenger door, I took a seat and went over my options: I could go back in, explain everything, apologise profusely, take the photos and leave; or I could call Adam, confess what I’d done and try and convince him to sign the contract; or I could go with the most appealing option, which was to drive away, abandon the photos, change my phone number and email address, and possibly move to a different country!
Taking a deep breath and making a conscious effort not to repeat my ‘vomiting in the street’ incident, I opened the glove compartment and took out the contract, which had been hiding there since I got it. Then I rooted around in the door pocket for a pen … and switched my brain off.
