by Hannah Ellis
Chapter 47
On Tuesday afternoon, I left work and headed straight to Havendon. I parked the car on the road by the church and walked across the churchyard, enjoying the warm wind on my face. Fresh flowers lay on Tom’s grave and Adam sat in my spot next to the headstone, his back to me as he looked out across the valley.
“Hi,” I said.
He jumped. “I wondered if you’d come today.”
I nodded as I fought off tears. “Thought I’d come and wish him a happy birthday,” I said, running my hand across the top of the headstone. “I miss him,” I told Adam, feeling pathetic and fraudulent. He wasn’t my dad and I’d only known him for eighteen months. I’d always felt close to him, though: he saw me for exactly who I was and I always felt loved by him. He was warm and kind and a pleasure to be around.
I looked at Adam but he’d turned away from me. Guilt hit me. I seemed to carry it with me constantly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t with him when he died,” I said, quietly. Adam looked back at me, the confusion on his face prompting me to continue. “I always felt bad. You told me to look after him and then he died all alone.” I wanted to sit with Adam but instead I hovered awkwardly. Maybe he wanted to be alone. “I’m sorry,” I said again, moving away. “Tell the girls I said hi.”
“What do you mean, I told you to look after him?” he asked.
“The night before he died, we spoke on the phone and you told me to look after him. I promised you I would. I should’ve stayed at the house with him.”
My conversation with Adam had haunted me ever since. Adam had been so upset about Becky when I spoke to him that night – I wanted to fly back out to France to comfort him. I’d asked him what I could do and he said I should just look after his dad.
“You couldn’t have known what was going to happen. And you staying at the house wouldn’t have made any difference,” he said gently. “You couldn’t have done anything. He had a massive heart attack.”
“But I promised you I’d look after him – and then he died.”
“I don’t even remember having that conversation,” he said, looking me in the eyes. “I don’t remember speaking to you on the phone. Those days are all a blur.”
“I remember everything,” I told him. “That last day with your dad – he was talking about how you’d be the girls’ guardian. That they’d come and live with you. He said Becky had talked to you about it when the girls were tiny and you’d laughed about it.”
“We joked about how much I could screw up her kids,” he said with a sad smile. “It’s not quite as funny now.”
“Your dad said you’d be great with the girls, and I said I’d be around to help too. He said no one would blame me if I walked away, and I said I wasn’t going anywhere. I promised him I’d stay.”
I looked out over the hills and felt relieved. The wind lifted my hair from my shoulders and I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my face.
“You’re not great at keeping promises, are you?” I could sense the smirk on Adam’s face before I looked at him.
“It’s definitely something I could work on.” I gave him my hand as he reached out to me. Our fingers entwined and his thumb stroked mine. “I should get back,” I said.
He stood and walked with me back towards the road. “Can you come home with me for dinner?”
When I walked into the kitchen, Ruth embraced me, and I hugged her back tightly. She rubbed my back and I struggled to keep my emotions under control. She seemed to be fighting the same battle.
“It’s good of you to come over today,” she said.
“I was up at the grave. The flowers are nice.”
“He wouldn’t like them,” she told me. “He’d say it’s a waste of money.”
I shrugged. “He’s not here to complain, is he?”
She smiled at me. It was also the sort of thing Tom would’ve said.
“How are you?” I asked.
She shrugged and her bottom lip quivered. I felt bad for not asking her more often. She’d been so stoical that it was easy to forget how horrendous everything had been for her. She’d lost so much, and all at once. I hugged her again as tears streamed down her face, and we stayed that way until we heard the girls bounding down the stairs. We pulled apart and managed to laugh as we both quickly wiped away our tears.
The girls ran to me. I hugged them to me and tried to listen when they both spoke at once. “Calm down,” I said. “I can’t hear you. Let’s go and sit in the living room and we can chat in comfort.” They cuddled up to me and took it in turns to fill me in on what had been happening at school and with their friends.
The five of us ate together. Ruth insisted we sit in the dining room. I was worried that a cloud of dust would envelop us as soon as we opened the door, since the room was never used, but perhaps Ruth came in and cleaned it from time to time. I certainly never had.
Ruth perked up, and the atmosphere was relaxed and happy as we tucked into her roast chicken. Only Adam was quiet, his smile never reaching his eyes.
I stayed to put the girls to bed, saying goodbye to Ruth before I took them up to read stories. Once the girls were settled, having promised them that I’d see them soon, I went to look for Adam. I found him lying on our bed, staring up at the ceiling.
“All quiet?” he asked.
“Yeah, they were tired.”
“I know the feeling.”
“You okay?” I asked.
He met my gaze. “I have no idea.”
I leaned against the doorframe. He shifted his gaze back to the ceiling.
“Do you need anything?” I asked.
He shook his head and smiled briefly at me. “Thanks for coming over today.”
“You’re welcome.” I headed for the front door, stopping halfway down the stairs and taking a deep breath. Maybe I should go back and comfort him. He was obviously upset. Leaving him alone seemed so wrong. I turned to go back up to him and then thought better of it. I should just go home. We’re over. Cuddling up in bed with him is hardly going to emphasise that point! Oh God, it would be nice, though. And he’s been making such an effort. Would it really be so bad? Maybe we could work things out. I hesitated again, torn. He’d be fine, I told myself. I’d call him tomorrow and see how he was. I needed to be strong and move on with my life.
I leaned my head against the steering wheel when I finally made it to the car, then I pulled out my phone and called Angela.
Chapter 48
In the pub, I hopped onto a stool at the bar and smiled at Mike, who greeted me warmly.
“I’m meeting Angela for a quick drink,” I told him.
“Wine?” he asked.
“Lemonade. I’m driving!”
He turned to pour my drink.
“Mike?” I hesitated and he glanced over at me. “I’m sorry about the other night.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said, his back to me.
“I’m really embarrassed.” I lowered my voice. “I’m such an idiot.”
He put my drink in front of me. “Maybe I shouldn’t have invited you out for dinner. I hope I didn’t give you the wrong idea. Adam’s a friend. I only asked you as a friend.”
“I know!” I said quickly. “I didn’t think anything else. I just drank too much, and my head is a mess at the moment.”
He shook his head slightly before looking at me with a boyish smile. “Shall we just pretend you didn’t kiss me? Let’s continue being friends.”
“Yes.” I gave a sigh of relief. “Could we forget about the vomiting too?”
He laughed at me. “Sorry, that’s etched on my memory forever!”
“Great!” I took a sip of lemonade and buried my embarrassment.
“Have you been up at the house?” Mike asked.
“Yeah. It’s Tom’s birthday today. I think Adam’s struggling. That’s why I called Angela to meet me. I need her advice.”
“Good idea,” he said. “Angela gives good advice. She’s very wise.”
&nb
sp; The door opened. We turned to see Angela walk in, a big grin on her face. “I’m so glad you called,” she said. “It’s nice to get out of the house!”
“Thanks so much for coming,” I said, standing to hug her.
She said a quick hello to Mike who poured her a wine, and we headed over to sit by the window with our drinks.
“So what’s going on?” she asked. “Tell me everything.”
I gave her a quick rundown of everything that had happened, ending with me leaving Adam this evening when I absolutely didn’t want to.
“I want to go back and check he’s okay,” I told her, “but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. What do you think?”
Angela bit her lip and frowned. “I don’t know if I can give you impartial advice,” she confessed. “I don’t feel very objective.”
I shook my head in confusion. “What? I was relying on you to tell me what to do! You’re supposed to be the voice of reason.”
“I would say go back to him.” She winced slightly. “But that’s because I want you and Adam to get back together and live happily ever after!”
I screwed my face up. “Angela! Really?”
“I know! But I’ve known you since you first got together and I’ve seen what an amazing couple you are.”
“Were,” I corrected her. “And that’s the problem: I want things to be how they used to be when we were ridiculously happy.”
“But you also want to be there for him today when he’s upset, so what does that tell you? You must still care about him – and he obviously loves you. He’s seeing this therapist, so he’s obviously making an effort.”
“I know. But I’m worried I’ll get hurt all over again. Plus there’s the whole issue of his photos,” I added as an afterthought. I realised what I’d said when I saw the puzzled look on Angela’s face. With a sigh, I covered my face with my hands. “I took some of his photos and gave them to a restaurant to display.” I winced. “I forged his signature on a contract.”
I’d been feeling so bad about it. Adam was making so much effort to repair our relationship – and I had gone behind his back with his photos. I should tell him, but I knew he’d be angry and I was just getting used to him being calm again. If I told him, he’d slip back to being grumpy and distant, and I hated the thought of that. Why couldn’t life just be simple?
“Oh God,” Angela said, her eyes wide with surprise and amusement. “You really like drama, don’t you?”
“I don’t know what to do,” I told her.
“My advice,” she said slowly, “is to go home.”
“Home to Adam?” I asked.
She gave me a sly smile. “If that’s where home is…”
*****
When I pulled up outside the house again a while later, the sky was perfectly clear. I lingered on the driveway, craning my neck to look at the stars. The three stars on Orion’s belt twinkled above me. I felt silly, but I couldn’t resist waving up at them before I went inside. Adam was in exactly the same position on the bed when I knocked gently on the doorframe.
“I thought you’d gone,” he said.
“I came back,” I told him. “I was worried about you.”
“I’m okay,” he said. “Just thinking about Dad.”
I walked over and lay beside him. We stared at the ceiling together.
“The first time I met your dad, he told me what a geek you were when you were a teenager!”
Adam laughed. “I remember. I was so embarrassed!”
“He was always telling me stories about you and Becky when you were kids.” He used to take me out to the pub for lunch and regale me with stories.
“I bet most of them were embarrassing,” he said. “He could always spin a good yarn.”
“I miss his stories,” I said.
“Me too.” Silence settled, and memories of Tom whirled round my head until Adam spoke again. “When I was a kid he used to do magic tricks. For a while he actually had me believing that he was a member of the Magic Circle!”
I turned my head in Adam’s direction and a laugh escaped me. “He told me you believed that until you were twenty!”
“No way!” Adam flushed and I was overcome with laughter. “Not twenty! Maybe until I was twelve or something. I definitely wasn’t twenty. God, my dad’s so embarrassing.”
Tears of laughter ran down my face. “You should talk about him more,” I said.
“I should. It’s hard. Sometimes I still can’t believe he’s gone. That they’re both gone.”
“I know.”
“Thanks,” he said. “I’m glad you’re here.”
His arms encircled me when I laid my head to his chest and curled into him.
When the sun streamed into the room the next morning, I was tangled up with Adam. He slept peacefully and I had a sudden urge to kiss him. I took a moment to breathe in his scent and enjoy his warmth before dragging myself away. Thankfully, I hadn’t completely cleared out my clothes, so I was able to find a clean outfit for work. I tiptoed to the shower, hoping the girls wouldn’t wake.
“Can I help with the kids in the school holidays?” I asked Adam when I walked back to the bedroom to find him sitting on the edge of the bed. It was the last week of the summer term, and I intended to spend as much time as possible with the girls in the holidays.
“Yes, please. I’ll only work four-day weeks but I was still worried that spending so much time with my mum might push Hailey to run away for real.”
“Your mum’s not so bad,” I said, perching beside him.
“Yeah, she’s great when you don’t have to see her every day. You looking forward to your summer break?”
“Kind of,” I said. “I need to do some job hunting, and that’s never fun.”
“I’m sorry about your job,” he said.
“It’ll be okay,” I told him. “I’m going to do my teacher training. Somehow!”
I hadn’t really decided until that moment, but I didn’t want to give up on it just because I couldn’t do it at St Jude’s. I’d have to apply to different schools – which wouldn’t be as easy, especially since it was so late in the school year – but the idea was firmly planted in my head and I realised I really wanted to get on with my career.
“I need to go,” I told Adam. “I want to be gone before the kids wake up. I don’t want them to be confused or think I live here again.”
“Okay.” He laid his hand on mine, stopping me as I tried to get up. Butterflies fluttered round my stomach when he put a hand on my face and leaned in to kiss me. I kissed him back. A smile spread over my face as I pulled away.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Us. Everything.”
I turned when I reached the door. “Will you take me out on another date?”
“Yes. Definitely. Now get out before the kids wake up!”
Chapter 49
I’d had an email from Ollie on Sunday evening to tell me that the photos were up and looked great. When I’d handed over the contract to them, I’d spent some time blagging my way through a conversation about prices and then made my excuses and hurried away, leaving them to get on with hanging the pictures. In the email, Ollie invited me to view the photos, and asked if Adam would come too. He suggested we go down one evening for complimentary drinks.
Ollie’s email distressed me for many reasons. I knew I shouldn’t have handed over Adam’s photographs – even though my intentions had been good – and when Adam finally found out, he would be furious with me – and rightly so. I hoped that the photos wouldn’t sell, so I could return them to the garage at the end of the week and pretend none of it had ever happened.
Ollie’s email also made me imagine a different life: one in which Adam was excited by all this, and we would spend an evening dressed up and drinking fancy cocktails while people around us admired his photographs. It’d be just like it used to be, when we couldn’t get enough of each other and when other people envied us. After spendin
g the night cuddled up with him, I had a glimmer of hope that we might be able to get back to that. But I knew it would all crumble when he found out what I’d done.
“I’m just nipping out for a while,” I told Chrissie on Wednesday evening. She looked surprised.
“Meeting someone?”
“No, I just feel like a drink. I won’t be long.”
“Want company?” she asked.
I hesitated, feeling bad for shutting her out when she’d been so kind to me. Part of me wanted to tell her everything and take her with me to sit in the fancy cocktail bar to admire Adam’s photos, but I knew it wasn’t fair to ask her to keep my secret. Chrissie and Matt were friends with Adam too, and it would put them in an awkward position.
“I just feel like being on my own,” I told her. “Thanks, though. Maybe we can go out at the weekend.”
“Okay.” She smiled and left it at that.
I found a parking spot near White Ice and decided I’d indulge myself with a cocktail and come back for the car the next day. Matt drove this way to work; he could drop me off on his way.
The place was busy. I slid onto a stool at the bar and ordered a mojito. I was overcome with emotion when I looked around at Adam’s photos. They were amazing. I always knew they were special, but seeing them properly displayed made me realise how spectacular they were. It occurred to me that my idea of them not selling was ridiculous.
“We wondered if you’d ever show up.”
I glanced over. Ollie was taking a seat on the stool next to me. Quickly I looked away, embarrassed, as I felt a tear roll down my cheek and fall into my lap. I could feel his gaze on me while I tried to discreetly wipe my eyes with a napkin. “They look great, don’t they?”
“They’re incredible,” I said, managing a smile and finally meeting his gaze. He was wearing a dark suit which contrasted sharply with his red hair and highlighted the golden freckles across his cheeks.
“I especially like the red dots,” he said. I looked at him quizzically. “The red stickers mean they’re sold.”
