“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I said to Martin.
“But it is the best idea ever, Jenny, you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this moment,” Martin whispered.
“We’re best friends, Martin. I don’t want to lose your friendship.”
“But we can be more than friends, Jenny. I’m in −”.
“Don’t say such things, Martin, please,” I interrupted him. I felt desperate now. I didn’t want to risk our friendship by having sex with him. I didn’t love Martin this way. He was my only friend and I just didn’t want to lose him. And I still didn’t know if I was a lesbian or bisexual or whatever. And I wouldn’t go back to be the slutty person I used to be and just have sex with him.
“Let’s have another drink,” I suggested in order to fix the awkward situation. We took another shot. I hadn’t had so much alcohol for years and was very drunk. “I should go home now,” I said to Martin. I realized I was swaying and that my speech was slurred.
Martin took my arm and kept me. We said good-bye to Andrea and Robin and left the club. Outside the cold night air fully hit me and I noticed how far gone I was. There were taxis waiting outside the club and we got into one. Martin told the driver to go to his place. And that was the last thing I remembered clearly.
My panic returned and I sat up in bed. Martin began to move and opened his eyes. A smile appeared on his face when he saw me.
“Good morning, Blacky.”
That was the Martin I used to know. Then he seemed to realize our situation and his face fell.
“Did we… you know what?” I asked tentatively.
Martin frowned as he tried to remember. Then he shook his head. “We were both too drunk to do anything except sleep. Also, I didn`t want to take advantage of you. I want to have your consent.”
“Thank God,” I said, letting out the breath I had held.
“Would it have been so terrible?” Martin asked.
What could I reasonably answer to this question? I chose to tell him the truth. “Listen Martin, we are best friends and I want it to continue this way. Being friends with a benefit is not what I want. I’m sorry Martin, I do not love you the way you probably love me. I just can’t. I hope you can accept that and we can stay friends like we used to be.”
His mouth was a thin line and he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, as was his habit. “Okay, I don’t want to lose you either. Let’s stay friends.”
I smiled at him. “Thank you, Martin. I guess I should go home now.”
“Please stay, Jenny. We could have breakfast together. Why don’t you take a shower and I prepare everything in the meantime?”
“Okay.”
I took a shower, dressed, and went downstairs to the kitchen where Martin had prepared our breakfast. There was even a glass of aspirin waiting for me. His mother came into the kitchen. She was obviously surprised to see me, but a broad grin appeared on her face. Obviously she considered me as her future daughter-in-law.
What had Martin told her about us?
“Happy new year, Jenny. Good to see you.”
“Happy new year to you, too,” I replied.
“Did you two have a good start?” She asked.
I desperately looked at Martin. He seemed to understand. “Yeah, Mom, everything is fine. Now, let’s have breakfast, Jenny, sit down.”
I could tell that his mother was not satisfied with the answer, but she left the kitchen. I sat down at the table and grabbed a slice of toast. “You need to tell your mom that we are just friends, Martin. Please do. I guess she assumes I will be her daughter-in-law soon.”
He nodded. “Okay, I will do.”
When I left the house after breakfast I hugged Martin. He didn’t look into my eyes. I hoped I had not lost him as a friend.
When I came home the apartment was quiet. There was a note on the kitchen table.
“Happy New Year, Jennifer. I’m at Thomas’s. Food is in the fridge. Mom.
There was no sign of my brother either. I knocked on his bedroom door, but nobody answered. I tentatively opened the door and looked inside. The room was a mess, but nobody was inside. I closed the door and went to my bedroom, collapsed on my bed, and fell asleep immediately.
CHAPTER SIX – LOVE IN VAIN
During our lunch break we went to the next burger joint. We found a small table at a window. While taking our seats I took her in. Lena was really drop-dead gorgeous. She wore her dark-brown hair in a neat ponytail again today. She was dressed in very tight dark blue jeans that nicely hugged her curves and a burgundy colored hoodie along with the inevitable orange scarf. I don’t exactly remember how I found the guts to ask her for this appointment, but I think it was after our history class we had that day. I was nervous like hell and my pulse raced like mad when I approached her and asked her if we could have lunch together. She was a bit surprised, but readily agreed when I told her I needed to talk to her badly.
We ate our burgers and French fries and talked about general school related issues. That is, I could hardly eat anything because I was so nervous. The girl of my dreams was sitting right opposite of me. My stomach clenched and my hands were sweaty.
At some point Lena seemed to be fed up with our general chit-chat and asked me right away what I really wanted to know from her. I guess I blushed profusely and did not dare to look into her beautiful eyes. Instead I stared at my Styrofoam cup of Cola.
“You and Paulina, you are dating, right?” I finally blurted out.
“Yes, why?” Lena seemed to be completely dumbfounded.
“You are really cute together, the both of you,” I remarked.
I briefly looked into her blue eyes, but quickly lowered my gaze, as she seemed to study me. I began to fidget with my fingers. “How did you realize that you’re into girls?” I asked her in a low voice.
She didn’t hesitate for the briefest of moments. A dreamy look appeared on her face and she smiled adorably. “Oh, I’m into Paulina,” she said. “It was Paulina who touched something inside me I had not been aware of. I can’t really explain it. It’s quite recent for me too, you know. However, when she looks at me, I feel something deep inside me. Whenever she’s near me I feel warmth in my heart and butterflies in my stomach. I think it’s the crazy little thing called love.”
I watched her attentively for a moment before I looked at the Styrofoam cup again. My heart sank. I realized she had completely fallen for Paulina and I would never have a chance to win her for me. I began to focus on the questions that could be relevant for my future. “But you had a boyfriend before, right?”
“Yes, that’s true. Jenny, can I trust you? I mean, what we are talking about here is just between you and me, okay?” Lena asked me.
I nodded.
“Okay, Jenny, I’m going to tell you something really intimate, please keep it a secret. Whenever I was together with Ben, that was my boyfriend, you know, when we were together in bed, I was never really satisfied. I never knew what it was. I started to believe that something was wrong with me. Only when I thought about doing it with Paulina I climaxed. I never told Ben about it. And I had erotic dreams of Paulina.”
My eyes must have been big like cherry pies as I looked at her. What Lena just told me was consistent with my own experience. But before I had the time to contemplate this further Lena turned the tables on me.
“But why are you asking anyway? Are you just curious or do you think you’re into girls?”
If possible at all my cheeks were more than fire-red by now. My head was spinning and I blurted out, “I’d like to know how it is to sleep with a girl.”
“You would like to know how it is to sleep with a girl?” Lena blushed and it seemed like I had caught her off guard.
It is now or never.
I gathered all my strength. “Yes, I’d like to try it with a girl. If I really were into girls, it would have to be a brunette with blue eyes, just like you. I don’t like blondes,” I said in a low voice. “You’re so b
eautiful, Lena, I like you. And I trust you. And I thought, I thought…” My voice gave in. I was too embarrassed to complete the sentence.
Jesus Christ, did I just make her an indecent proposal? That’s really embarrassing.
I wanted to run and hide, but I noticed that Lena was blushing, too.
“You wanted to ask me to sleep with you?”
I didn’t dare to look at her and stared at my Styrofoam cup. There was an uneasy silence at our table. I felt her eyes on me, as she seemed to consider my proposal. I knew I was good-looking and if I was not completely wrong Lena also felt a certain attraction between us. But the decision was up to her and thus I sat there rooted to the spot and waited for my verdict.
After what seemed like ages Lena took a deep breath before she answered. “I want to be honest with you, Jenny. You are really, really beautiful and I admit that I feel attracted to you. I feel honored by your trust in me. If I were single I would not hesitate to say yes. But I’m head over heels in love with Paulina. I’d never cheat on her. I really love her. I’m sorry, Jenny, I cannot do that. It’s impossible.”
There it was, my verdict. As expected I couldn’t get her. My stomach clenched and I felt a big lump forming in my throat. A huge wave of sadness and loneliness washed through my body. I couldn’t bear to look at her. Eventually I found my voice again and heard myself say, “I fully understand you, Lena”. It’s a pity, but for me you would be the one with whom I would try it.”
Lena had found her composure again. “I’m sure you will find another girl, if you really wanted to. But what about your boyfriend?”
What could I answer to this? I didn’t have a boyfriend. That was only the stupid thing I had said to her on Christmas. But I had memories from the past.
“It’s similar to what you told me about you. I have difficulties to come when he fucks me. And then I have these fantasies about being with a girl. When masturbating, I think of brunette girls, of you to be precise.” I guess she could barely hear me.
“I understand. I know that very well. But it is very difficult for me to advise you what to do. I hope you can understand that.”
Of course I could understand her. She was a baby lesbian just out of the closet. But why did she have to fall for that blonde bitch Paulina?
We spent our way back to school in an awkward silence and I was relieved to have a different way once we were back on the school grounds. Nevertheless I thanked Lena that she had taken the time to talk and that she had been honest with me. She could have taken advantage of the situation and left me with a broken heart. But the wave of sadness and loneliness was still there inside me.
CHAPTER SEVEN – ENTER SHERINIA
“What’s up with you, Blacky? You look a bit sad today,” Martin said to me while we were on our way to our band rehearsal two days later. Martin picked me up at home as usual. I had spent the previous days in quiet desperation. Every time I saw Lena at school my heart ached and as much as I tried I couldn’t get her out of my mind. When at home, I desperately fought the urge to drown my sorrow in booze. But now it was Friday and I was looking forward to playing music again.
“I’m okay, Martin, only a bit stressed out about school,” I answered his question. I was glad that we were back on the same map after our disastrous New Year Night. He furrowed his brow, but didn’t comment.
When we arrived at Marlon’s house he and Robin were already there, only Emilia was late as usual. We were all quite excited to meet our potential new singer today.
Fifteen minutes later we were just picking up our instruments to start our rehearsal without singer when the door opened and my heart skipped a beat. A smiling Emilia entered the room and behind her appeared – one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. I considered Emilia as beautiful, but Sherinia was even more so. She had long, straight brown hair that reached down to her breasts. She had shining eyes of a color I could not immediately define, but when she looked at me my knees became jelly.
Oh my God, how beautiful she is.
She was wearing very tight, faded jeans that did not leave much to the imagination, and a light-green V-neck shirt that revealed just a hint of cleavage. On her feet were high heel black ankle boots. My pulse began to quicken and my mouth went dry. I quickly looked around and caught the guys staring at her with open mouths.
“Hi guys, please meet Sherinia, your new singer,” Emilia crowed cheerily. “Sherinia, this is Jenny,” Emilia introduced me first. Sherinia took a step forward to shake hands with me. She looked straight into my eyes and I thought I might faint. Her eyes had a blue-greenish color I had never seen in anybody before. Her lips curled up in a brilliant smile. I gripped my bass guitar with my left hand to steady myself while my right hand shot forward to shake Sherinia’s offered hand. When our hands touched I felt a shiver through my whole body and every hair stood on end.
How weird is that?
“Hey Jenny, nice to meet you,” Sherinia said, our eyes still locked.
The world stood still for a moment, before I heard my own squeaky voice say, “Hi Sherinia, I’m so happy to see you.”
Sherinia smiled and then turned away to shake hands with the other band members. I stood dumbfounded until I noticed Emilia was staring at me. When I looked into her eyes there was something there I could not interpret, but she began to smile, and I smiled back.
What the hell is happening here with me?
I only noticed that I had zoned out completely when I heard Sherinia’s voice again. “It’s okay for me to start with any of your songs. Emilia gave me files of your recordings and I have rehearsed some of them already.”
“Wow, you’re really cool, Sherinia,” Martin said. “Okay, then, let’s start with “Lost without you.” This was one of our symphonic rock ballads. Actually the song was based on one of my ideas and I had written the lyrics when I had first realized I had a crush on Lena. I had further elaborated the song together with Martin and Marlon.
Marlon opened the song with a piano intro and sample strings. Then the rest of the band fell in a slow and heavy blues rhythm. And then Sherinia began to sing. Her voice was bright and clear, but at the same time had this strong sensual undertone.
“Babe, can’t you see what you do to me…?”
I couldn’t keep my eyes from Sherinia, as she stood behind the microphone tripod. She closed her eyes as she sang my very own words in the chorus.
“There’s nothing left for me, I’m sad and lonely, I’m lost without you…”
I began to shiver and my eyes became moist. And then Emilia jumped in and repeated the chorus along with Sherinia. When I looked at them a tear began to trickle down my cheek. In this moment the two of them were the most beautiful creatures I had ever seen.
“There’s nothing left for me, I’m sad and lonely, I’m lost without you…”
When the song ended there was a momentary silence in the room. It seemed that everybody was hypnotized, entranced and enchanted by what just had happened. Sherinia opened her eyes and looked directly at me. She realized the tears that had trickled down my cheeks and her rosy lips showed a hint of a smile.
Martin was the first one of us who reacted. He clapped his hands in applause and the rest of the band followed straight. “That was…amazing, Sherinia,” Martin said. I realized that his voice was shaky. “Ready for another one?”
Sherinia nodded.
“Do you know the lyrics of “Snowflake in May”? It was a heavy metal song Martin had written based on my lyrics.
“Not yet by heart, by I can use the printout,” Sherinia answered. Emilia gave her a sheet of paper with the lyrics. As it turned out Sherinia was not only a goddess in singing rock ballads, she also managed the fast and heavy songs. She was a real talent. And she was completely into the music, she seemed to completely lose herself as she sang and even did some head banging during the instrumental parts.
Time flew by and after two hours we were completely exhausted. I had never experienced such an intense rehears
al before.
“That was absolutely cool, amazing,” Martin eventually said. He looked into our faces and then at Sherinia. “Sherinia, I guess we all agree that we’d be more than happy to have you as our new singer. Will you join us?”
There was a momentary silence and all eyes stared at Sherinia. She showed us a brilliant smile. “Yes, I will. It’s been so much fun and I like your songs and Jenny’s lyrics.” Our eyes met and I began to feel butterflies in my stomach.
The whole band cheered and we gave each other High Five. As could be expected Robin was the first who cornered Sherinia and began to hit on her. Emilia approached me. “Jenny, want to hang out with Sherinia and me? Girls’ night out? You can leave your bass at my apartment again.”
“Yeah, cool.”
“Just let me free Sherinia from this jerk,” Emilia said. She went over to where Robin had Sherinia cornered. She said something to Robin and gripped Sherinia’s arm. Robin glared at her as she dragged Sherinia behind her. Before we left I briefly informed Martin that I’d hang out with the girls.
+++
“So you’re graduating soon, Jenny?” Sherinia asked me when we were in a bar an hour later. The three of us sat around a table and drank beer.
“If everything goes well I’ll be done by end of May,” I answered. Sherinia sat to my left and since our table was quite small our thighs nearly touched. I felt the heat emanating from her body and I felt giddy and strangely intoxicated.
“Any plans what you’re going to do after graduation?” Sherinia asked.
I shrugged. “No, not really, graduation is my first priority. I’ve not really thought about it, but I’d love to do something that has to do with music.”
Sherinia smiled. “That would be great. I think you’ve got talent”.
Jennifer's Crush Page 4
