by Jo Leigh
“How am I supposed to do that? Huh? Just forget about all those years when I didn’t have a mother because she was nursing a bottle? Forget that she let my father beat the hell out of me, that she let Gus beat the hell out of me?”
“Yes,” Kate said. “What good does it do to remember? It was a long time ago. People change.”
He laughed. It was an ugly sound. “Oh yeah? Ask her where she hides the booze now.”
Kate glanced at Teresa. She could see the woman wasn’t going to fight, wasn’t going to stand up for herself. She turned back to T.J. “Let me ask you something. How come you didn’t know your mother’s been sober for five years?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” He looked at his mother, but she said nothing. No confirmation, no denial.
“Didn’t you wonder why you couldn’t find any liquor bottles when you tore up her house? Did you even bother to look at her? To see she wasn’t a practicing alcoholic anymore?”
His mouth opened as if he were going to say something, but he didn’t. He just stared at her unbelievingly.
“Ask her.”
He was silent for a long time. Teresa sat quietly. Kate saw she’d pulled her rosary beads from her pocket.
Finally T.J. turned to face his mother head-on. “Are you sober, Mama?” he asked. “Did you stop drinking?”
She nodded slowly. “Yes, Theo.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You wouldn’t have believed me.”
“That’s not—”
At least, Kate thought, he couldn’t finish the lie. She didn’t understand why Teresa had kept quiet. Maybe it was her way of atoning for her sins. But it had gone on long enough. This family needed to start telling the truth, whether it was comfortable or not. Enough games. The games had nearly destroyed them.
T.J. moved closer to his mother. That didn’t seem to be enough and he sat down, pulling the chair right next to her. “Why? What made you stop?”
“You. Bobby. When I realized what I’d done.”
“And you stayed with Gus anyway? Why didn’t you leave him?”
She looked at the beads in her hand. “I couldn’t. It’s not his fault he drinks. He didn’t mean to hurt us.”
“Yes, he did. He’s always meant to hurt us. You don’t know how much.”
“I couldn’t run out on him.”
“Even if it was for your own good?”
“I said a vow. I can’t break that kind of promise.”
T.J. shook his head. “I don’t understand you.”
Teresa reached over and took his hand in hers. “It’s enough that we’re talking now, isn’t it? That you came back when I asked.”
Kate stepped back. She shouldn’t listen to this. It was too private.
“Don’t go,” T.J. said.
“This is between you and your mother.”
He smiled. “It’s a little late to butt out now, wouldn’t you say?”
“I’ll be right over there.” She nodded to the other side of the room. “You call me when you’re through.”
He looked at his mother’s hands, then back to her. “It’ll just be a minute.”
Kate gave his shoulder a quick squeeze, then walked to the far side of the lobby. No one was around and for that she was grateful. It would give the two of them a chance to talk.
She sat in a leather chair that had seen better days. Her stomach was in knots and she still hadn’t gotten over hearing that gunshot. The fear that T.J. had been hurt, or even killed, made her want to scream. She’d wanted to rush over to him but the police officers had been on him like white on rice. There weren’t words to describe her relief when he stood up all in one piece.
Now there was a different fear inside her. As much as she ached for Bobby and Teresa, part of her wanted them to just disappear. To vanish, along with all their troubles. It was a rotten thing to think and she tried not to, but there it was.
Something told her this was the end of her relationship with T.J. They’d been in a sort of limbo for the past few weeks, dealing with the kids at the center, learning about each other. It had been the nicest time she’d had since, well, forever. Now it was over. No matter what the outcome, their time together was at an end. T.J. would go home. Back to his job, his life. Leaving her behind.
She looked at him now, sitting there, head bent close so he could hear Teresa. His suit was nice, but she liked him better in his jeans, casual, smiling. She’d made a mistake sleeping with him. It would have been better if she didn’t know the texture of his skin, the way he looked naked. For the rest of her life, she would remember how he made her feel. How even when she was more turned on than she’d ever been before, he’d made her laugh. And how that laughter had made everything sweeter.
Maybe it was for the best, him leaving. The relationship wouldn’t have to go through the inevitable breakdown. He would never grow tired of her basketball playing or her running. She’d never have to watch him become disillusioned or bitter. She wouldn’t have to spend another fifteen years agonizing over what she’d done wrong. How her love wasn’t enough.
Maybe in a few months she would stop hurting and the memories would come to comfort her. She would be able to look back at her days with T.J. as a gift, an extraordinary time when things had been perfect.
She focused in again on T.J. and Teresa. She wondered if they were telling each other the truth. If he realized how much he loved his mother and how that love didn’t need to be destructive.
He’d moved closer to her. Now her hand moved from her lap to his head. The old woman petted him with her gnarled fingers and even from here, Kate could see that something big was happening. He was crying. She could tell from the way his shoulders shook, the swipe of his eyes with the back of his hand. Good. He needed to cry. He needed to get rid of all those years of confusion and betrayal. He needed to make amends and he needed to forgive himself.
T.J. leaned forward and kissed his mother’s cheek. Then he hugged her and they rocked for a long time.
Kate sniffed and went into her purse for a tissue.
“Are you okay?”
She looked up to see Charley. She hadn’t heard him come in. Nodding, she wiped away her tears and smiled. “I’m fine. What’s the story?”
“His bond is being set right now. The charge is a first-degree felony, so I’m pretty sure bail will be twenty thousand. Can you take care of that?
She nodded.
“I’ll want to go over the case with you, after Bobby’s back at the center. Find out what I can about this other boy.”
“Danny?”
He nodded. “Can you find him?”
She stood up. “I can try.”
Charley nodded at Teresa. “Is that his mother?”
“Yes,” she said as she led him to where Teresa was sitting. She made the introductions and while Charley was explaining the legal situation to her, T.J. took Kate aside.
“I’m going to find Arcola,” he said.
“Where will you look?”
“I used to live here, remember? I think I know where to start.”
It wouldn’t do any good to argue with him. She could see he was completely determined to do this. Who knows, maybe he could find Danny and get some evidence that he was the arsonist. “He won’t come easily, you know.”
T.J. nodded.
“He’ll have a gun.”
“So will I.”
She studied him for a long while. Lord, she didn’t want to lose him. “Hey, Captain?”
“What?”
“You know that pony I’ve been looking for?”
He smiled sweetly. “Yeah?”
“Don’t let him get hurt, okay?”
He reached over and cupped the back of her neck, gently folding her into his arms. He held her tight and she held him right back and she didn’t cry, not one drop.
When he kissed her gently on the mouth, she knew he’d discovered her secret. He knew she loved him.
“I’ll be
back,” he said. “I promise.”
“Is Bobby okay? When can he come home? Is he scared to death?”
Kate took Molly’s hand in hers as they walked through the crowd in the main room. The soft hum of whispered conversations buzzed around them like flies. She was quite sure Bobby’s arrest had been the only topic of conversation and that no one had bothered to play the morning basketball game.
Molly went into Kate’s office first and waited impatiently for her to close the door, walk to her desk and sit down.
“He’s fine,” Kate said, trying to sound as positive as she could. “He’s going to be released on bail in about an hour, then he’ll come back here.”
Molly pulled up the plastic chair and sat directly across from her. “They can’t really convict him of murder, can they? He didn’t do anything. I know he didn’t. He would have told me.”
“I hope not, honey. But I can’t kid you. He’s in pretty big trouble.”
“But he didn’t do anything.”
“I believe that, too. It’s the D.A. we have to convince.”
Molly sat back so hard she nearly tipped the chair over. Kate knew just how she felt. “Charley’s with him. If anyone can get him out of this, it’s Charley.”
Molly stared at the wall for a long time. She didn’t move, barely even blinked. Finally she looked at Kate. “How’s the Captain dealing with all this?”
Kate studied her fingernails. “He’s gone off to find Danny.”
“Lone Ranger time, huh?”
Kate looked up and smiled. “You really do have an acute understanding of men. It’s a real gift.”
“So what’s going to happen with you two? After this is over, I mean.”
“Nothing. T.J. will go home. I’ll stay here.”
“Come on, Kate. Don’t play dumb with me. I have a gift, remember?”
She studied her assistant, then shrugged. Why not tell her? “I don’t want him to go. But I don’t get a vote.”
“Have you told him?”
She shook her head. “He knows, though.”
“So why not talk about it? He might surprise you.”
The sound of laughter drew her gaze to the window. The kids, her kids, were on about their business. Flirting, joking, complaining about their parents. There was Ted Lynsky surrounded by adoring fifteen-year-old girls, each of them vying for his attention. And Alice Dee leaning just so against a bookshelf, completely aware of how her young body inflamed the imaginations of the hormonally challenged boys. The twins were busy, as always, little mothers themselves. She knew these kids, cared about them. But they weren’t going to stick around, either.
Even Molly and Peter would leave. Not tomorrow, but soon. Every serious relationship in her life was transitory. She’d planned it that way, so why should it surprise her that T.J. would go back home? “It’s not meant to be, Molly.” She smiled at her young protégée. “Some people just aren’t supposed to have long-term relationships. I’m one of them. I don’t mind. Really.”
Molly stood up and moved closer to the desk. She bent and crooked her finger for Kate to lean forward. When they were just two inches apart and Kate was listening for the secret, Molly said, “Bull.” Then she stood up straight. “That’s a crock and you know it.”
Kate laughed. How could she help it? Molly didn’t see the humor, however.
“This isn’t funny,” she said.
“Don’t worry, Molly. I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing near you.”
“Ha. Don’t change the subject.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“How about telling him the truth? For God’s sake, Kate, aren’t you a little old for this high school crap? You’re reasonably intelligent, the Captain isn’t too stupid, for a guy. This might be your last chance at happiness!”
“I’m not a hundred and eight, Molly. Besides, there are things you don’t know about T.J.”
“Like what?”
“It’s not my place to tell you. I will say that he’s got a lot of things to work through. He didn’t exactly have the best childhood, you know.”
“And?”
“And he walked in herewith a lot of baggage. That’s not something that can be changed overnight.”
“That’s swell, but what the heck does it have to do with loving you?”
“You’re too young to under—”
“You finish that sentence and I’m going to have to bop you.”
“Look, kiddo. I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s late, I’m beat and I still have a roomful of kids to take care of. Which reminds me. Who’s in the nursery?”
“Peter. He’s got Bonnie and Kathy in there with him.”
Kate stood up and walked Molly to the door. “I’m going to change, then I’ll be out to help. She paused with her hand on the knob. ”Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m fine.”
Molly leaned over and gave her a tight hug. “I’ll just say one more thing. He’s not the only one with baggage to unload. You’re living in the past, too, Wonder Woman. You have to do something about Captain Marvel. If you let him go, you’ll regret it the rest of your life.” She let go and hurried into the crowd.
Kate watched Molly thread her way to the back room. A weariness came over her that was unlike anything she’d experienced before. She was soul tired. Tired of making decisions, tired of struggling to make a difference with the kids. Tired of playing games.
Molly’s intentions were good, she appreciated that, but the girl didn’t understand. She was still young enough to believe in happily ever after. She’d never gone through the kind of heartbreak that cripples. Kate could have told her the real reason she didn’t dare tell T.J. she loved him. But she’d grown used to Molly’s admiration and even though she knew it was vain, she wasn’t willing to give that up. Some things were meant to be secret, to be locked away in the dark recesses.
She chased those thoughts away and headed for her room. She had work to do.
T.J. pulled into the dark parking lot of the youth center and turned off the engine. It seemed a monumental task to open the car door and walk the few steps to the back door, but he managed. Of course, the door was locked and it took several minutes for someone to hear him banging away. Finally he beard the turn of the dead bolt and then Kate was there, backlit like a movie star. Just seeing her eased the heaviness in his chest and when he walked inside and saw the concern in her eyes he felt almost human again.
“Any luck?” she asked as she locked the door behind him.
“Well, I found out that our friend Danny has been shaking down most of the convenience stores in Harbor Bay. He’s got a regular racket out there. If he doesn’t have an apartment, it’s not for lack of money. The kid’s grafting a mint.”
“That’s good. We can use that in court, can’t we?”
“Nope. That would require testimony and no one was willing to do that. They only talked because they didn’t know I was a cop.”
She’d led him down the hall to the kitchen. He pulled out a chair and flopped into it. He might just sleep right there. The thought of changing clothes, washing up, even brushing his teeth was too much to contemplate.
“Did you find Danny?”
He shook his head. “I followed a lot of wild geese today.” She passed him on her way to the fridge and he touched her arm. “Bobby. Is he here?”
She nodded. “He’s fine. Scared, but that’s understandable. Molly’s been with him most of the night.” She moved to the fridge and pulled out a couple of casserole dishes, then closed the door with her elbow. “We posted bail about an hour after you left. The arraignment is tomorrow. Charley’s going to handle that. Bobby’ll plead innocent and ask for time.”
“I’ll need a lot of it. Danny knows we’re looking for him. For all we know he’s in Mexico by now.”
“I don’t think so.” Kate went to the microwave and popped in one of the covered dishes. “I’ve got some macaroni and cheese for you. And a salad. Is that okay?”
He smiled. “That’s nice, but I’m too tired to eat.”
“No, you’re not. You’ll feel better once you do. What do you want to drink?”
“Beer. Lots of it. Ice-cold.”
“Will you settle for apple juice?”
He sighed. “Sure. What do you mean, you don’t think so?”
After getting a glass and pouring his juice, she sat down next to him. “This is his ballet. He’s not going to want to miss the finale.”
“Translate, please.”
She leaned forward, near enough for him to study her beautiful green eyes.
“Danny set this whole thing up. He set Bobby up. He set us up. He’s not going to skip town and miss the fireworks. He’s going to want to gloat.”
“Even though it means he could get caught?”
“Yeah. His ego is almost as big as yours.”
“Very funny.”
“Very true.” She smiled then, letting him know that she liked him despite his swelled head.
“Okay, I’ll give you that. He’s here. But where?”
“I don’t know. I should know, but I don’t.”
“Why should you?”
“Because I care about him. More than that, I’m responsible for him.”
“How do you figure?”
“There’s no one else. He didn’t start out being a gang-banger. His parents, poverty, drugs, they all did that to him. I wanted this center to be a safe place, a second home. I wanted the kids to feel free to confide in me. I wanted to make a difference.”
“You did. You do.”
“Not with Danny.”
He leaned forward and took her hand in his. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for this. You do so much good.”
She looked away and he caught her chin with his finger and brought her back.
“I admire you, you know that? I think you’re a remarkable woman.”
Her gaze skittered over his face, but finally met his straight on. “Thank you,” she whispered.
