by Jo Leigh
“If it wasn’t for you, I never would have talked to Teresa. You did that.”
“I may have helped a little, but you did the talking.”
“No. The person I was before I met you would have walked out of that jail and never looked back. I’m not the same man. I never will be again.”
“So you’re saying people can change?”
“Is that what I said?”
She nodded.
“Damn. I guess I did.”
“So maybe Bobby isn’t destined to come to a bad end?”
He leaned back. “I suppose he’s got a shot.”
“But?”
“It’s not that simple. He’s got to want to change. He’s got to work hard at it.”
“With you to help him, I don’t see a problem.”
“Me?”
“You’re his big brother.”
“I’m no role model, Kate. I thought you knew that by now.”
“I know no such thing.”
The ding of the microwave made Kate look away. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was grateful. He’d thought about her so much today. How extraordinary she was. But he’d also realized that when the business of Bobby was settled, he had to go home.
He had to go back to his world, where he knew the rules and the players. Being here with Kate was the best time he’d ever had, but it wasn’t real. It wasn’t permanent. He couldn’t be like this forever.
Kate finally got up and fixed him a plate of food. He could tell she wanted to talk more, that she was waiting for him to go on. Instead, he ate.
Surprisingly, he found he was hungry after all. It wasn’t hard to concentrate on his plate and avoid looking her in the eye, even though she’d taken her seat again and was so close.
Finally she got up. “Rinse your dishes, okay?” she said, her voice tinged with sadness.
He finished his juice and watched her walk away. When she was nearly at the door, he said, “It’s not you, Kate. It’s me. I’m no good for the long haul. It would end badly.” He turned away and closed his eyes.
Then, without knowing how, he knew she was gone.
T.J. finished washing up and headed to his room. He’d already taken off his clothes, except his shorts, so he could fall into bed as soon as possible. He couldn’t remember being this tired. Ever.
He didn’t want to think anymore. About anything. He didn’t even bother to flip on the light in his bedroom. His toiletry kit hit the floor, followed instantly by his robe. Two seconds later, he was under the covers.
Just as he was drifting off, his door opened. He reached out to the side table for his gun, but when he saw Kate’s silhouette, he stopped.
“Are you asleep?” she whispered.
This wasn’t a good idea. He ought to say yes, to make her go back to her room. To stop this speeding train before it killed them both.
Instead, he said “No.”
Chapter 14
She didn’t turn on the light. Even so, he could see she was dressed in an oversized T-shirt and nothing else. Walking slowly to the bed, she paused and he held up the covers and scooted over. She climbed in beside him, so her back was to him, spoon-style. His arm went around her waist and his legs bent to accommodate hers as if they’d slept like this a hundred times. Why did she have to feel so right?
For a while, all he did was listen to her breathe and enjoy her sweet flower scent. His eyes closed, but he didn’t fall asleep.
“Can I tell you something?”
He knew what she was going to say. That she loved him. He thought about stopping her, but he couldn’t. In some misguided way, he wanted to hear the words, just the once. “Okay.”
“I just wanted you to know that you’ve changed me, too.” She found his hand and wrapped him tighter around her. “You made me look at some things I’ve been avoiding for a long time.”
“Yeah?”
“I didn’t tell you the whole truth about Kevin Anderson. He didn’t just leave because of my brothers. In fact, my brothers tried to hide the real reason from me. They did, too, for a long time.”
He chased away the disappointment. Maybe he was wrong about her. Maybe she didn’t love him. Or maybe this confession was her way of telling him she did.
“It was Kevin himself that straightened me out,” she said softly.
He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb, amazed that he could be so blown away by the feel of her even when his concentration was so focused on other things. The silence grew, but he didn’t try to hurry her. She sniffed and he wondered if she was crying.
“I ran into him about four years after he left. He was surprised to see me and I could tell he wanted to get away. But I needed to explain about my brothers, so I sort of trapped him into staying. We were at UCLA for a women’s basketball tournament, sitting in a stairwell that had no air-conditioning. I remember it was sweltering in there.”
She lay very still now. He could barely feel her breathe.
“Anyway, I asked Kevin what they’d said to run him off. I guess I wanted to know that they’d offered him something big, something worth the pain. He didn’t know what I was talking about. I kept pressing. Finally he just told me. He said he hadn’t left because of my brothers, but because of me.”
She was crying now. He could feel the soft quiver of her chest.
“He said he never felt like he was with a woman when he was with me. That I was too strong, too masculine. That I was just using him as a shill, that I really was more of a man than he was. He said he needed a real woman, not an Amazon. My brothers—”
He held her tighter, wrapping his legs around her, slipping his left arm under her neck so he could hold her closer. He had to watch it, though, and not squeeze too much. What he wanted to do was wring Kevin Anderson’s neck.
“My brothers had gone after him, not to chase him away, but to make him stop saying horrible things about me. The big goofs were defending my honor. And I had no idea.”
Kate shifted a bit more, and by the feel of it, she was wiping her face. Then she settled down again.
“Before Kevin, I’d been fine about my sexuality. Sure, I was tall, but I always thought of myself as being female. The damnedest thing was, I’d never suspected a thing. I thought he loved me. I was sure I loved him.”
“He was a jerk,” T.J. said. “You’re more woman than anyone I’ve ever known.”
“I wasn’t fishing. I know you think I’m...”
“Beautiful? Sensual? Magnificent?”
She sniffed again. “Feminine enough.”
“Sweetheart, you look up ‘female’ in the dictionary and you’ll find your picture.”
Kate rubbed his arm. “The thing is, I let that one guy, that one experience change the whole rest of my life. I made a decision all those years ago that I couldn’t do love. You made me see that it was all a lie. A big, fat, hairy lie that made me run from men and from myself.”
“Hey—”
“Wait,” she said. “Let me finish. I was doing the exact same thing as you, don’t you see? I was using my past to frame my future. I was cutting myself off from love and joy and even sex just because I believed one horrible man. I let his words eat into me, brand me. Until I met you.”
“Shh. Not yet. I also want you to know that I don’t expect you to stay. I’m not asking you to. You have to discover your path for yourself. I’ll respect whatever you decide to do. And I’ll always be your friend. Always. Got it?”
“Can I talk now?”
“Yeah.”
“You have to turn around first.”
“Oh, I don’t—”
“Come on. I want to look at you.” He scooted back and waited for her to turn over. When she did and she settled comfortably next to him, he brought his hand to her cheek and wiped the remnants of her tears away. Then he kissed her, gently, on the forehead.
She closed her eyes.
“I want you to know one thing. I care about you. More than I ever thought I could. I think I c
are more about you than I do about myself. That’s a biggie, coming from the original Mister Selfish.”
She looked at him and the smile she gave him made him swallow so he could speak again.
“I want the best for you. In every way. I want to see you happy and fulfilled. I want all your dreams to come true. I even want you to find a guy who can give you everything you deserve. That part won’t be easy for me. I’ll be jealous as hell. But I’ll give him my blessings, as long as he treats you right.”
Her smile faded. He knew he’d hurt her, but it was important to tell the truth. He owed her that. “For a long time, I’ve wished I could be different. That I could trust myself to do the right thing, to be hopeful about the future. But I’ve never wanted it more than right now. I’d give my left arm to be the man for you.”
She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, then settled back down on the pillow. “I think we both have a lot to learn about ourselves, Captain Marvel. A whole heck of a lot.”
As tired as he was, he didn’t sleep right away. He watched her. He tried to picture her years from now. She’d be beautiful no matter how old she was. Imagine waking up to that face every day. To that long, sleek body. It wasn’t to be, and thinking about it was stupid. Yet he couldn’t stop looking at her. Wondering. He knew the second she’d fallen asleep. He hadn’t lied about caring more for her than he did for himself.
His last thought was that this just might be love.
She awoke in his arms. He was still asleep. She could see his eyes move behind his lids and she wondered if she was in his dreams. He’d been in hers.
It was time for her to get up, but she didn’t want to move. This time with him was too precious to waste. It was important to memorize him, to be able to recall everything about him in the months and years ahead.
His beard had grown overnight. Not all that much, but enough to scratch. There was that little scar above his eyebrow. How had he gotten that? From his job, probably. She didn’t like to think of him that way—as a homicide detective. It was too dangerous, even though she knew he must be a very good detective.
His nose was a little crooked, too. Surprising that she hadn’t noticed that before. Just a bit, at the bridge. A fight perhaps, or just an imperfection that made his whole face more interesting. His lips, of course, were perfect.
If she closed her eyes she could feel them on her own. It would be hard living without his kisses. She’d never realized how great kissing could be, until T.J. She would like to take him to a drive-in movie and make out with him for two hours. Hell, make it a double feature. That would be nice.
“What’s that smile for?”
Kate hadn’t noticed him awaken. Now she lifted her gaze to meet his. “I was thinking about a movie,” she said.
“Must have been a good one.”
She nodded. “It was.” Then she reached for the top of the comforter. “I should go.”
He looked past her to the clock on his side table while he stilled her hand. “It’s early yet.”
“But the kids will be getting up.”
“They’ve already discovered our secret.” He put his arm around her back and scooted her closer. When he shifted she felt his arousal press against her thigh. It was obvious, a physical reaction to their closeness. Hers was internal, in her heart and in her stomach. The ache she felt for him made her chest feel heavy and her vision dim.
As if he’d read her mind, he leaned forward and kissed her forehead. A sweet, gentle kiss. Slowly, very slowly, his hand traveled down her back until he found the bottom of her sleep shirt. He lifted it, then got hold of the waistband of her panties. His hand slipped down her bottom, softly caressing her as he undressed her.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“What do you think?
“Is that a good idea?”
“Best one I’ve had in ages.”
He had to sit up to get the panties all the way down, but she barely noticed the movement. Then he was back and she was in his arms again, touching him, exploring him with her hands, just as he was exploring her.
Remember me, she thought. Remember that you touched me and made me whole again.
His hand went to her hip and then down her stomach and quickly to her thigh. Lifting her leg, he brought it over his hip and she turned a little bit more to get comfortable. By then his fingers had gone back to the juncture of her thighs and then inside and she trembled at his touch.
How could she have denied this part of herself for so long? The way he made her feel was completely female and utterly wanton. Her hips moved in a rhythm of their own and she had to touch him everywhere. Her hand moved down his back and she kneaded his muscles and felt them flex beneath her palm.
His fingers worked their magic until the pleasure was too much to bear. She reached down and realized he was naked. When had he done that? The thought flew away as she circled him with her hand and guided him inside her.
There was no laughter this time. No sweet, silly games. Just slow, deep thrusts that went beyond sex, beyond anything she’d ever known before.
He brought her closer to him, almost hurting her with his intensity. She used her leg to press him tighter, tighter. She wanted it to hurt. To hurt him. Leaving her shouldn’t be easy, damn it. It should tear him apart and wound him forever. Just as it was going to wound her.
His moan came from deep inside, a mournful ache that had no beginning or end. He pulled away, almost breaking the connection, then slid back in again, filling her with his thick, hot passion.
It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. He’d awakened her with a kiss, just like Sleeping Beauty, and now he was going to leave her.
T.J. couldn’t go deep enough inside her. He wanted to merge with her, melt into her. He wanted to brand her with his sex so she would never forget.
If only things were different, if only he were different. Then he could stay and learn everything there was to know about her.
She tightened around him and he nearly lost control. It was almost impossible to slow down, to breathe deeply and forestall the inevitable, but he did it. This would not be rushed. It had to last a lifetime.
Why not stay with her? Live here. Marry her. The thoughts washed over him and he almost said yes! Then he remembered that he’d been Captain Marvel for four weeks and T.J. Russo for thirty-eight years.
What could he offer her? His ugly apartment? Long nights alone? All he had to give was himself and he was damaged goods. Besides, she wouldn’t leave the center. She shouldn’t leave. She was important here, she was alive here. Taking her away would be like clipping the wings of an eagle.
This was it then. His last time inside her.
He studied her beautiful face, memorizing every curve, every line. When she met his gaze, he saw his own torment reflected in her eyes.
“Don’t be sad,” he whispered. “It can’t be sad to have found this, even for a day.”
She smiled then. A brave, shaky smile that broke his heart. He closed his eyes and thrust again, concentrating on the sex, because the love was too hard to think about. He moved his hand so he could touch her. All his energy was on her happiness, her fulfillment.
When she came, it was stunning, incredible, to know he gave her that. His climax was all the more powerful after giving her such pleasure. White heat surrounded him and then it was over and he was still in her arms, still inside her.
He was home.
No one said anything when Kate entered the kitchen. Molly had finished her bagel, Peter had folded his newspaper and Bobby sat stiffly and still, watching her. She thought at first that the silent treatment was because she’d been with T.J., but when Molly reached over and took Bobby’s hand, she realized the quiet was because of his arraignment.
“How you holding up, kiddo?” She asked him.
He shrugged.
“He didn’t get much sleep last night,” Molly said.
“I can understand why.” Kate got her coffee and brought it to the table.
She sat across from the boy. “Charley is a wonderful attorney,” she said. “He’s worked magic for me in the past. I don’t want you to worry about it. Our emergency funds have taken care of the bail. Today, Charley’s going to plead you innocent and ask for time.”
“They won’t believe me. They all think I killed him.”
“They’re going to believe you, because we’re going to find Danny and we’re going to find evidence to prove you didn’t do it.”
“He won’t let you find him.”
T.J. walked to the table. She hadn’t heard him come in. “Tell me where to look, Bobby,” he said. “Where does he hang out?”
Bobby turned away from him.
“Don’t be a fool, kid.” T.J. went to the counter but he didn’t get a cup, yet. He faced Bobby, arms crossed over his chest. “I’m doing this for you.”
“Don’t do me no favors,” Bobby said harshly.
Kate stood up. “Hold it. We’re not going to do this. I won’t have it.”
Both T.J. and Bobby looked at her as if she weren’t welcome in their private little war. Her own anger bubbled up almost before she realized it. “Grow the hell up, both of you! This isn’t about who’s right or justified. Bobby Sarducci, you’re facing prison. Got it? Real life prison. You’d better take his help and be grateful for it. No one else is on your side but us. That includes T.J. He’s putting his ass on the line for you. So quit the smart remarks and tell him what you know.”
“But—”
She turned to T.J. “And you’re no better. Quit treating him like he’s five. He’s old enough to be tried as an adult, the least you could do is treat him like one. Standing there like you know everything. Just knock it off. Try behaving like a brother instead of a cop.”
He unfolded his arms and moved as if he were going to argue with her, but she put up her hands and said, “No. I don’t want to hear anything from you except an apology to Bobby.”
“Go, girlfriend,” Molly said.
Kate gave her a look. “You keep out of this.”
“Excuse me.”
Molly slunk a little in her chair and Kate felt bad, but only for a second. She turned her attention to T.J. again. “Well?”
