Into the Blackness (Blackness Series Book 4)

by Norma Jeanne Karlsson

  “What?”

  “You’re gonna do that?”

  “Kat, I know you think I’m a piece of shit and you’re right, I am. But I love the boys as much as you do. I won’t let them be taken from us. Not without a fight. Their parents have abandoned them for months. Even if we went the legal route, no judge would side with them. It’s a non-issue,” I assure her.

  “Mindfuck,” she mutters for the first time in a month.

  “Back at you, Sunshine,” I say through a small smile.

  She snorts, but the corners of her mouth tip up.

  “Are you guys gettin’ divorced?” Sawyer asks sheepishly. FUCK!

  “What?” Kat asks horrified, realizing Sawyer just heard our very honest interaction.

  “You guys haven’t been right for weeks. I’m sorry I was eavesdropping,” he whispers.

  “We’re fine. Just a rough patch, sweetheart. It happens in all relationships. Nick and I will work it out,” she lies.

  “You’re good at that,” Sawyer remarks plainly.

  “What’s that?”

  “Lying.”

  “I…” Kat trails off. Shit.

  “It’s okay. I’m used to bein’ lied to. I know you have your reasons. But if you guys get divorced you won’t send me back to her will you?”

  “No,” I answer immediately, pinning him with a fierce gaze.

  “Good,” he says relieved.

  Kat has tears brimming in her hazel eyes as she stares at Sawyer guiltily. She’s good at lying, but her mask hasn’t been as expertly crafted as it usually is. She’s too worn out with reality. It’s my fault. Now I feel shittier than I have for the last month.

  “Sawyer, I’m not lying to you. Nick and I are fine. We had a bad fight a few weeks ago and we haven’t gotten over it yet, but we will. We’re not getting divorced. I just need to get you home and get through the holidays. Then I can fix things with Nick.”

  “You said you needed to work out custody the first day I was in here,” Sawyer says with an accusing glare.

  “I’m sorry you heard that. I was just upset after your attack. I didn’t mean it,” she states strongly.

  “Promise?” he asks with need in his voice.

  “I swear,” she says honestly.

  My head is swimming right now. What the fuck? She’s saying the things I want to hear, but I have no idea where this is coming from. Is this just for his benefit? That would be cruel and horrible to do to him. She would never lie right to his face like that. She doesn’t have it in her.

  “You fucked up, huh?” Sawyer asks me.

  “Yeah, bud.”

  “You won’t leave us, right?” he asks nervously.

  “I’m not a quitter. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

  I hold Kat’s eyes with an intense gaze after I answer him. She gives me a small smile. My heart pounds so hard in my chest it hurts my ribs as I maintain eye contact and soak in the soft glow coming from her. What just happened?

  “Merry Christmas!” the four boys bellow in unison, bursting into our bedroom.

  “Merry Christmas, boys,” Kat coos at them from her side of the bed.

  Jake, Cole and Dane jump on her while Sawyer watches from the end of the bed with envy in his chocolate eyes. His ribs are too sore to dog-pile his mother. Kat giggles and wiggles to get away from their assault.

  I climb out of bed and wrap Sawyer in a hug, carefully.

  “Merry Christmas, Dad,” he murmurs into my shoulder.

  I haven’t gotten used to the feeling of him saying that yet. It feels like a shot to the heart every time I hear it and he says it a lot, as if he’s reminding himself that he has parents that love him for the first time in his life. It’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever experienced.

  “Merry Christmas, bud,” I mumble into his messy black mop.

  The boys stop attacking Kat and help her out of bed. She secures her robe before wrapping her arms around Sawyer.

  “Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” she whispers before pressing a long kiss to his cheek. “Let’s go see what Santa brought us.”

  “Yeah.” The boys light up like little kids.

  Our house looks like the North Pole threw up on and in it. There’s garland everywhere with red twinkle lights embedded to look like berries. I’ve lost track of how many wreathes and Christmas decorations line the walls at this point. It smells like cinnamon and pine throughout every room in the house. It’s warm and inviting, offering much needed comfort for my family.

  We have three Christmas trees, because why not, I suppose. Outside is a winter wonderland of lights and decorations that you can see from outer space. We descend our embellished staircase and head into the family room where Santa was fucking busy last night. Santa’s a bit tired this morning.

  The boys run to their stockings and start ripping through them. Kat and I sit on the couch next to each other and watch with huge smiles on our faces as we peruse our stockings. She grabs my hand and interlaces our fingers. I’ve gotten something small like this from her every day in the last week since we got Sawyer home. I always let her lead and never push for more. Kat only does this in front of the boys, but it’s not a mask when she does it. This is real. She’s letting me back in.

  “Presents now or after breakfast?” Kat asks as the boys finish their stockings.

  “Now,” they all answer in unison.

  Kat went nuts with gifts. Well, we all did really. We got the boys a ton of clothes, Celtics, Bruins and Red Sox tickets. Skateboards, video games, new sports equipment, snowboards and surfboards round out most of their gifts, capped off with a family trip over Spring Break to Tahiti. We over did it and it feels unbelievable.

  The boys got me ties, denture cream (ha ha), tee times at the country club for the entire season, a humidor for my cigars and a year of monthly whiskey delivered from the best distilleries around the world. I’m blown over.

  The boys got Kat the most expensive tracksuits on the planet. Can someone explain five hundred dollar sweat pants to me? I saw that receipt when the boys got home from shopping and almost passed out. It’s worth it though, because Kat looks to be in heaven imagining wearing them. Totally worth it. They also got her a spa weekend, a year of manicures and pedicures and a book of pictures from the months we’ve been together. That almost made her cry when she opened it, but she held it together. I think the next present will send her over the edge.

  “This is from all of us, but it’s Shane’s gift for you,” I explain, handing her the wrapped box.

  She furrows her brow at the box and hesitates taking it. I push it toward her. She studies it a moment longer before Sawyer tells her to open it with excitement. She acquiesces and pulls the box from my hand, carefully peeling back the paper. She drags it open slowly and gasps when she sees what’s inside.

  Permanent guardianship papers for Cole, Sawyer and Dane are the first things she finds.

  “Oh my God.” She clutches the papers to her chest as tears fall from her eyes.

  “Can we call you Mom too?” Cole asks sheepishly.

  “Yes,” she answers in a teary chuckle.

  “One more, Sunshine,” I point out.

  Kat looks into the box to see a birth certificate inside. Jake Rivers is now Jake Cooper, with me listed as his father and Kat listed as his mother. Kat breaks into hysterical sobbing and I pull her onto my lap. She curls into my chest clutching at my shirt as she bawls. She’s more emotional than I thought she would be, but I don’t care. I’m feeling her entire body against mine for the first time in almost five weeks. I’ll take it however I can get it.

  It takes a few minutes for her to calm down before she tips her head back to look up at me. Her eyes are rimmed in red, her lashes wet and clumped together. I look beyond that into her blue-green-grey hazel eyes to see love pouring out. I can’t hold back any longer. I lower my head down and gently press my lips to hers. She sighs and kisses me back. Fuck yes!

  I work my lips against hers before sweeping my
tongue across the seam of her plump pillows. She opens to me and I slant my head to devour her mouth, sweet Kat. My dick twitches under her ass as I massage her tongue with mine, drinking her in. A moan flows into my mouth from hers and I growl, thrusting my tongue in and out. Until I hear an ear piercing whistle along with cheers and hollers from the boys. Oh yeah, we’re not alone. We both snicker into each other’s mouths as I stop the kiss. I place a soft chaste kiss on her flushed cheek before turning my gaze to the boys. They’re beaming.

  Kat slides out of my lap and envelopes each boy one by one in her arms, whispering words of love and appreciation to her kids. Our kids. I’m thirty-three years old and I have four teenage sons. It’s an indescribable feeling that fills me with warmth and comfort I didn’t know existed.

  Kat comes back to me with a small box in her hand. She sits on the couch next to me and sets it in my lap. I rip away at the paper more like a kid than an adult, causing everyone to laugh. I shoot Kat a wicked grin before lifting the lid on the plain white box. My breath catches in my throat and tears threaten at the back of my eyes.

  Inside is a tiny white baby outfit that has I Love Daddy in swirly pale green print across the front. I pull it from the box with shaky hands. I’m in shock. The boys gasp when they see what I’m holding. I guess this is a surprise for everyone.

  “Kat,” I whisper.

  “I’m sorry I could only give you one and you gave me four,” she jokes.

  We all snicker at her.

  “When are you due?” I ask, trying to wrap my head around this, staring at the tiny outfit in my hands.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t been to the doctor yet. It should be in August sometime.”

  “You’re sure you’re pregnant though?” I ask, not wanting to get my hopes up.

  “I have twelve positive pregnancy tests. I’m sure,” she answers with a laugh.

  “Twelve?” I ask dazed.

  “That’s kinda crazy, Mom,” Cole pipes in.

  “I was feeling a little crazy,” she admits.

  “How long have you known?” I ask scooping her into my side, pressing my lips to her hair.

  “I found out the morning of Sawyer’s attack,” she whispers.

  My entire body goes rigid. If I were doing my math, I would have known she was pregnant when she killed that motherfucker, but her admitting it aloud rocks me.

  “You risked the baby to save me?” Sawyer asks stunned and guilty.

  “Sawyer, I would’ve died before I stopped trying to save you,” she says pointedly.

  “Thank you,” he mumbles as one big tear rolls down his cheek.

  “No, sweetheart. Thank you. All of you have given me something that I never thought I’d have. You’ll never know how much I’ve wanted you…how much I love you. I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you all. I promise you that.”

  “You’re gonna make us all cry,” Dane says choking back tears. “This pregnancy’s gonna turn us all into a bunch of pussies.”

  I chuckle along with the room, thinking he’s got that wrong. I feel my inner caveman raging to the surface as each second passes.

  “What if it’s a girl?” Jake asks showing a bit of his own caveman.

  “Uh, she’ll hate us,” Sawyer says in a duh voice.

  “What? Why?” Kat questions with concern.

  “Because she’ll have us for older brothers and we’ll beat down anyone that tries to touch her. And she’ll probably look like you so we’re fucked,” Cole huffs.

  Kat giggles, but the rest of us remain stoic, thinking Cole’s right.

  “I’d like a little girl,” Kat says quietly, looking up at me.

  “You want me to go to prison?” I ask with my brow raised.

  “Don’t you want a daddy’s girl?”

  “Only if I can lock her in the house until she’s thirty.”

  “Caveman.”

  “Damn straight.”

  She rolls her eyes at all of us.

  “How many more kids are you guys gonna have?” Sawyer asks as we finish breakfast.

  Kat didn’t eat much and looks slightly green. I believe morning sickness is coming.

  “As many as she’s willing to have,” I answer honestly.

  “Really? What if she wants twenty?” Cole chimes in with big blue eyes looking at me like I’m crazy.

  “Then we’ll have to get a bigger house,” I respond without hesitation.

  “Mom, how many kids do you want?” Dane asks, trying to get a real answer.

  “I don’t know, honey. I always wanted a big family.”

  “This’ll be five kids for you guys. That’s a big family,” Jake adds his opinion.

  “You think I can’t handle more?” She pretends to be offended.

  “No. I think you could have twenty and be just fine.”

  “I think my lady bits might fall out if I try for twenty,” she says through a snicker.

  “Can we not talk about your lady bits?” Cole gags.

  That makes us all laugh.

  “To answer your question, I’d like a few more. Maybe three more after this. I like how eight sounds,” Kat says, eyeing me with a question in her face. She wants to know if we’re really okay. If we’re actually doing this together, for the long haul.

  “I like that too,” I respond to her unasked questions with a loving smile.

  “That’s good. We can each have one to be responsible for. If they’re all girls, that’s one we have to protect,” Sawyer points out.

  “I’ve got dibs on this one,” Jake spouts.

  “Hey, no fair. I didn’t think to call dibs,” Dane huffs.

  “Snooze you lose,” Jake retorts with a cocky grin.

  “I got dibs on the next one,” Sawyer jumps in.

  “Third!” Coles yells.

  “Uh, I guess I got last,” Dane looks at me somewhat deflated.

  “I’ll save the best for last, bud,” I assure him.

  “Ooh, like twins?” he asks excitedly.

  “Triplets,” I joke.

  “Ha,” he gloats. “See last isn’t so bad.”

  “Hey, I want twins,” Cole whines.

  “You boys have lost your minds. I’m only a few weeks in with number one. You’re makin’ my lady bits hurt.”

  They all moan and act disgusted. She chortles and throws a dish towel at them. The four of them start chasing her around the island. Kat squeals and races away, finally breaking free to hide behind me. I protectively hold my hands out, slap boxing with the boys. The house is full of laughter, joy and the bright glow of Kat beaming from every surface. Everything feels right. Perfect.

  Nick

  “Shannon Kelly.”

  “Merry Christmas, Shanny,” I say softly.

  I’m in the office making my Christmas call while Kat and the boys are napping. I’m ready for a nap too.

  “Merry Christmas, Nicky,” she says in a relieved voice. She worries too much about me.

  “How’s Chicago?”

  “Crazy as usual. Perfect. It’s always good to be home for the holidays.” I can hear the smile in her voice.

  “I wish I was there with you.”

  “Me too. Get anything good today?”

  “All right, I’m gonna tell you this because I can’t keep this shit to myself but you gotta be careful with who you tell.”

  “Of course,” she assures me.

  “I’ve adopted four teenagers and Kat’s pregnant.”

  I hear her spit a drink out followed by moans and laughter from the other people in the room with her.

  “Shit! Nicky, hang on,” she huffs and I hear her moving away from her rowdy family. “Okay. Say that again and this time put some fuckin’ details in that shit.”

  “This op I’m on is complicated and we ended up with three boys living with us that had been abandoned by their parents. Some strings were pulled by the DCA and we now have permanent guardianship of the three of them. The fourth is a new young recruit that’s on the op with us. He
comes from some fucked up shit that I don’t have any details on other than he’s alone in the world and needs some people to have his back. Kat and I have his back now.

  “And the biggest shock is Kat’s pregnant. I’m reeling from that one. I haven’t told you this, but over a month ago I fucked up pretty big with her and have been in the dungeon of the dog house since then. But she’s lettin’ me back in now. I’m fuckin’ elated.”

  “I’m speechless,” she breathes out. “And that’s sayin’ somethin’.”

  “I’m happy, Shanny. I never thought I’d have this…deserve this.”

  “You listen to me and you listen good, Nicky. You deserve everything in this world and more. A year ago you saved my life. You’ve spent the last year saving my fuckin’ life over and over again. You’re not the monster you believe you are, goddammit. You’re good down to the fiber of your being. You’re worthy of love and happiness. You remember that every time you look at your family. You deserve the fulfillment they give you. I’m done listening to you put yourself in a box where you don’t belong,” she growls.

  “I hate that I spent twenty-two years without you, but during that time it was your face and your heart that got me through the shit I had to do. A little girl full of light and love. I love you so much, Shanny. I can’t wait for you to meet the people that fill me with so much light everyday that it’s blinding. I have this because of you.”

  “You have what you have because of you. I love you, but I’m not the reason you have goodness in your life…you are. Own that, Nicky. You’ve earned it,” she finishes softly. “Now I wanna know when the baby’s due. I wanna know everything about the boys. I wanna know if you need anything to make custody ironclad. I wanna know when you’re done with this fuckin’ op so I can meet these people.”

  I chuckle at her quick change into attorney/I run shit mode. She’s a handful and then some.

  “We don’t know when the baby’s due because Kat hasn’t been to the doctor yet, but she thinks in August sometime. I’ll email you about the boys because we’d be on the phone for days if I tried to tell you everything. I think we’re good on custody, but if something comes up I’ll let you know. I’m workin’ my ass off on the op because I want my family outta here.”