Into the Blackness (Blackness Series Book 4)

by Norma Jeanne Karlsson

  I pad down the stairs to find Kellerman in the kitchen staring at the coffee machine, willing it to work faster.

  “Morning,” I grunt.

  “Morning,” he grunts back.

  Caveman conversation before coffee doesn’t move much beyond that.

  “So you see when I find out who hurt your cousin, I’m gonna leave a trail of bloody destruction in my path. Yes, I am,” Shanny’s voice coos in her sugar coated momma voice at Johnny through the baby monitor. “Nobody messes with Momma’s family and gets away with it.”

  “How does she make murder sound so sweet?” I ask Kellerman as I put the last of my coffee to my lips.

  “It’s a talent,” he says through a smile at the rim of his mug. “That shit fucked with her last night. She had bad nightmares after she was attacked when she was seventeen. I guess she had a few after she got home last year too. She couldn’t sleep without Kavanagh wrapped around her like a security blanket.”

  Aaron Kavanagh is one of Shanny’s best friends/brother/roommate/savior. He’s one of the guys from Shanny’s story she told Jake in the hospital. Kavanagh slept in the same bed with Shanny for four years after that fateful night he saved her from being raped, holding her closely to protect her from her demons. Kellerman is a strong man to allow his woman to seek comfort in another man’s arms, but that’s why he’s perfect for Shanny. He understands the relationships she has with her guys. Kellerman was ripped away from Shanny last year at Christmas by his crazy ex girlfriend and couldn’t be there for Shanny after she was released from the hospital. He had to entrust her to her guys.

  The other two guys from her story, Brian O’Sullivan and Ryan Callaghan, each offer Shanny comfort and peace in their own way. O’Sullivan is her entertainer, constantly joking with her and making her laugh. Callaghan is the sweetest dude you’ll ever meet. He’s Shanny’s comforter, always at her side when she needs someone soft. They’re good men that saved Shanny when blackness took her over. I feel indebted to them. I also feel sorry for them because meeting Cara is going to bring up some difficult memories. I have no doubt they can help Cara the same way they helped Shanny.

  “So what’s the plan?” Kellerman asks refilling our mugs. “Shane blazed outta here in a rush yesterday after you and Jake talked to him.”

  “His fiancée is really sick so he needed to get back, plus he needs to be at headquarters to get our next moves ironed out.”

  “What are the next moves?”

  He flops onto the stool next to me, turning his sparkly teal eyes to mine. He looks like something out of a fairy tale expect for scarier and bigger…so not really at all other than the eyes.

  “Jake’s goin’ back to the farm for twelve maybe eighteen months of sniper training. Kat already retired, so this is her last op. This is my last op too, but I was supposed to take Shane’s job. That’s not happening now. Kat wants to move to Kansas City.”

  I let that hang in the air to see what kind of reaction it garners. He and I have bonded lately, but he hasn’t been my biggest fan so I’m not sure we’re welcome in his neck of the woods. Kellerman studies my face for a few breaths and then cracks a wide grin, crinkling the edges of his damn fairy tale eyes.

  “Domesticating?” he asks with a quirked brow.

  “I spent over a decade living as a rogue criminal. I’m not sure I can be domesticated…or that I wanna be. Kat’s amazing at the job, one of the best, but she’s done, man. She can’t do the job and be the kinda mom she wants to be. She wants the kids back in the Midwest. I can’t argue with that. So I’m not takin’ Shane’s job. If you’re good with us movin’ your way, then I’ll just take contract work from now on. Only a few overnights a month. I can be around for Kat and the boys…and Cara.”

  “There’s a house for sale on our street,” he states matter-of-factly without looking at me.

  “So we’re gonna go from you hating me to bein’ neighbors?”

  “I didn’t hate you.”

  I offer him a look that calls bullshit on that statement.

  “Okay. I hated you in the beginning. You woulda hated me too if our positions were switched. I don’t hate you now. I haven’t for a while. You’re Shannon’s friend. Not just that, but you’re her only connection to her father. That means something to her and that meaning something to her means something to me. She’ll love havin’ you close. She’ll stop worrying about you all the time. Her family and Kieran bein’ in Chicago is about as much distance as she can stand. I’m good with you comin’ back to Kansas City with us. You’re welcome in my home any time. Stay with us until you find a place.”

  He claps me a couple times on the back as the boys pad into the kitchen looking like zombies.

  “Morning,” they grumble in unison.

  “Morning,” Kellerman and I reply as the boys flop into their stools.

  “Morning,” Shanny calls out in a grumpy tone as she makes her way over to Kellerman with Johnny. She’s not a morning person.

  Kellerman sweeps the baby to his chest and pats Shanny’s ass once, never uttering a word to her. She wouldn’t respond if he did. Her sweet cooing voice first thing in the morning is reserved only for the baby. She heads to the stove and starts making oatmeal.

  “Are we leavin’ this afternoon?” Cole asks, his blue eyes barely visible under his messy blond hair.

  “That’s the plan.”

  “And Jake’s really not goin’ with us?” Dane asks in a tortured voice, studying his hands resting on the bar.

  “No, he’s not.”

  Sawyer drops his shoulders while Cole and Dane steel themselves against the disappointment.

  “Who’s gonna take care of him?” Sawyer whispers.

  “Jake can take care of himself, bud,” I reassure him.

  “He can’t when the nightmares come,” he says softly, turning his deep brown eyes to meet mine. He’s worried about his brother. They’re always reminding me what amazing kids I’ve got.

  “Shane’s getting him some help for the nightmares. Jake wants to go back to training. As much as I hate that, I also understand it. He’ll be fine, boys. You’re not losing your brother. Just think of this as him goin’ away for college.”

  “Will we get to see him at all while he’s away?” Dane asks in a shitty tone.

  “No.”

  “It’s not like fuckin’ college then.”

  “Dane,” Kat scolds from the entryway to the kitchen. “Watch your tone.”

  “Sorry,” he says to both of us sheepishly.

  I didn’t take offense. He’s struggling and he’s fifteen. Shitty tones are to be expected, though I haven’t heard any of the boys use one since they’ve been with us.

  Kat strides up to Dane and wraps her arms around his shoulders from behind.

  “It’s okay to be sad. I’m sad too. But don’t take that out on your dad. It’s not his fault. It’s nobody’s fault.”

  Dane spins his stool around and buries his head in Kat’s neck, squeezing her around the middle. Kat strokes his dirty blond locks lovingly, locking tormented eyes with me. Okay, so we’re all really fucking sad about Jake leaving us. I hate it and I’m also proud of Jake. He’s doing what he wants. I can’t fight him on that.

  “Cole and Sawyer get over here,” Shanny barks from the stove.

  They quickly comply and Shanny pulls them tightly to her, hugging them snugly.

  “Jake needs to take care of himself for a while. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean this is easy for him. But sometimes people like Jake and me need to do things a little differently in life. He’ll come back to you guys,” Shanny murmurs into Sawyer’s raven hair.

  “Is he leavin’ because of me?” Cara whispers as she pads into the room wearing Jake’s hoodie and a pair of black yoga pants.

  “No,” all the adults respond in harmony.

  I want to comfort her so badly as she stands at the end of the bar unsure what to do with herself. I can’t take it. I slide off my stool and a
pproach her cautiously. I stop a foot from her and wait for Cara to make the move to me. And she does. She collapses against my chest, wrapping her tiny arms around my ribs. I hold her head with my hands, stroking her auburn hair.

  “Does he hate me? I did this to him. I can see it on his face. Something about me makes him uncomfortable,” she mumbles dejectedly into my chest.

  I tip her face up to mine with a finger under her chin.

  “This isn’t about you, sweetheart. Jake has some things to work through on his own. He’ll come back to us when he’s ready. Don’t blame yourself for this. He’s not uncomfortable with you. He’s just struggling with everything that’s happened.”

  Her bright green eyes search my face. She’s looking for a lie. It’s not a lie. Jake may think he can’t give Cara what she needs, but the truth is he can’t give himself what he needs right now. He has to be confident on his own before he can offer anyone a piece of himself. This isn’t about Cara. It’s about Jake.

  “Okay,” she whispers.

  Sawyer and Cole move back to the bar as Shanny starts passing out bowls of cinnamon apple oatmeal. Sawyer stops next to us. He grabs Cara’s hand off my back and pulls her under his arm.

  “Let’s eat,” he says with a reassuring smile.

  She grins at him as he leads her to a stool. I think Cara’s found three protectors in my boys. Jake’s going to have to relinquish that job now that he’s leaving. Cara’s like a new version of Shanny and more than in just the looks department. Shanny had her three protectors from the time she was seventeen too. I can see in my boys’ faces that they recognize Cara’s beauty, but they’re more concerned with helping her heal. They’ll watch over Cara like Shanny’s guys watch over her. That puts a grin on my face as I meet Shanny’s gaze. She’s watching the boys and Cara with the same thoughts as me based on the contented smirk on her lips.

  Kat pushes her oatmeal away and closes her eyes.

  “Ginger ale?” Shanny asks, pulling the bowl completely away from her.

  Kat nods.

  “I’m glad that part is over,” Shanny says, sliding a glass in front of Kat.

  “As long as I don’t try to eat, I feel fine,” Kat snorts sipping a small bit of her drink.

  “You’ve gotta eat, Sunshine,” I chide her as I wrap her in my arms from behind.

  “Well, you run shit so tell your baby that,” she huffs.

  Kellerman chuckles next to us causing Johnny to laugh right along with him. I press my lips to her hair before releasing her from my grasp. I scoop up a bowl of oatmeal and lean against the counter watching everyone smile and giggle at the baby. Maybe I can be domesticated because I could get used to this. The smile beaming from Kat’s face is the only motivation I need.

  Kat

  As I drive away from the home I’ve built a family in I feel tears prick my eyes. Yes, the house was a torture chamber and a place that brought me a good deal of heartache and anguish, but as I look back I see the boys bantering and bonding. I see Nick peeling away at the thick layers that encased his heart in order to let me in. I see myself learning to take off the mask to stay in the present. I thought I was born when the DCA recruited me. I was wrong. I was born in Maybelle when I became a wife and a mother and chose to no longer run into the blackness.

  I glance over at Jake in the passenger seat…his face is blank. He’s been blank since we packed the rest of our stuff this morning. The DCA’s moving company showed up as we were climbing in our vehicles. They’ll store our belongings until we set down roots somewhere.

  I reach over and interlace my fingers with Jake’s and he returns with a squeeze. The boys are riding with Nick so I can have a little alone time with Jake. This is hard for all of us, but I’m struggling more than anyone. My pregnancy hormones aren’t helping.

  “Jake,” I say quietly.

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re scaring me.”

  “What?” he asks in a shocked tone, finally leaving the blank behind.

  “You’re not yourself. You’re all closed off and blank. If you’re havin’ second thoughts about this, you can tell me. We’ll change plans.”

  “I’m not havin’ second thoughts. I’ve never had anyone to say goodbye to. It’s harder than I thought it would be.”

  “It’s okay to be sad,” I whisper, choking on my emotions.

  “Yeah,” he says in a huff. “Cara won’t even look at me. The guys look so hurt I don’t know what to say to them to make it better. You’re forcing yourself not to cry. I feel like I’m hurting everyone I care about.”

  “You’re not hurting us. We’re just hurting. There’s a difference.”

  As the snowy peaks pass us by, I try to muster the strength I need to watch him walk away in a few minutes. He’ll be different when he gets done with his training. That’s the point of training, to make you different. I’m terrified he won’t want us when he’s done.

  “I’m not leaving you,” he states strongly. What is he a damn mind reader? “I need to do this. I talked with Aunt Shanny about it. She thinks it’ll be good for me. The training she got helped her a lot. If I thought she could train me I’d go with you guys. But she’s got Johnny and the twins are comin’. She can’t take me on, especially with her having Cara now. Even though she told me she could and kinda cussed me out for underestimating her,” he finishes in a chuckle.

  “Well, I’d caution you in ever underestimating Shannon Kelly. That woman’s like a super hero. I’m thinking of buying her a cape,” I say through a snicker.

  “You’re my super hero, Mom,” he says quietly turning his big brown eyes to me.

  “I love you, Jake.”

  “Love you too.”

  “I know you won’t be able to call much, but you better call me. I’ll fly to the farm and kick your ass if you don’t,” I threaten weakly.

  “I promise, I’ll call when I can,” he reassures me with a squeeze of my hand.

  “And you’ll come home when you’re done,” I state plainly.

  “I’ll be a little old to be livin’ at home,” he says through a snort.

  “What about basketball?”

  “I figure I’ll go to college once I’m done. Try to walk-on a team,” he says with a shrug.

  “I like that plan,” I respond with a grin.

  Jake and I continue to hold hands as the abandoned air strip comes into view. Two jets are waiting for us, one to take my family to our new home and one to take my son to heal. I stroke the back of Jake’s hand with my thumb as I come to a stop behind Nick’s car, Dylan parking their rental car behind mine. Several DCA agents pile out of one of the jets to clean and dispose of our vehicles. There will be no trace of the Johnsons by the end of the day.

  Goodbyes are going to be quick because it’s below freezing and a storm is blowing in. All of us huddle near the jet stairway that will take Jake back to the farm. Dylan claps Jake on the back in a manly embrace before passing Johnny off to Jake. Jake nuzzles into the baby’s neck whispering sweet words as he does. Before tears begin to flow, Jake passes Johnny back to Dylan and they climb into Shannon’s jet.

  All three boys converge on Jake, squeezing him with all their might. They each make him promise to call. Cole and Dane peel away and rush onto the jet, each wiping tears from their cheeks as they go. Sawyer tugs Jake into a rough hug as his shoulders shake with sobs. My heart feels like it’s palpating from the force I’m using to maintain any semblance of calm.

  “Swear to me you’ll come back,” Sawyer demands, locking their brown eyes in a pointed gaze.

  “Sawyer, I don’t wanna promise something I’m not sure of,” Jake says quietly.

  “Don’t fuckin’ do that. You don’t get to run away! You’re my brother damn it. Jake, you can’t just take off. We’re a family now. Family sticks together. Promise me you’ll come back!” Sawyer finishes his plea with a crack in his voice.

  Jake studies his brother for a few breaths before closing his eyes and whispers, “I’ll come bac
k when I’m better.”

  “Swear,” Sawyer demands.

  “I swear,” Jake responds strongly.

  “I’ll take dibs on this baby. You can have the next one,” Sawyer assures Jake.

  Jake’s face pales and my resolve fades into tears streaming down my cheeks. Nick pulls me roughly into his side, pressing his lips to my wooly cap. Jake won’t be here when I have the baby. He probably won’t even meet the baby until it’s almost a year old.

  “It’s okay, Sunshine,” Nick murmurs into my neck.

  Jake doesn’t respond to Sawyer other than to offer him a sad smile and a clap on the back. With that, Sawyer starts to climb the jet stairs before stopping and looking down at Jake.

  “I love you,” Sawyer calls out.

  “Love you too,” Jake says back with a giant smirk on his lips.

  Sawyer finishes his ascent with a big wave.

  Cara takes a small step toward Jake before halting her progression. Her green eyes are full of hurt and agony as she pulls her winter white beanie a little tighter over her auburn hair. She stares him down for a few moments before speaking.

  “Thank you for bein’ kind to me. I hope you find whatever you’re lookin’ for,” she says coolly before running up the stairs of the jet, removing any chance of Jake responding.

  I see Dane pull her into his arms when she gets on the plane, crumbling into tears. Jake watches her for a while before facing us again. Shannon approaches Jake, grabbing his face in her sable grey colored mitten covered hands.

  “You take all of your pain, all of your hurt and all of your fury and you channel that shit into your skills. You use that to motivate you to be the best sniper you can be. When you breathe through your shots let the things that haunt you bring you calm. Let the memories that torture you steel you against any future harm. Release the demons through every bullet, every target. When you think you can’t go on, remember you’re a survivor and nothing can beat you. If you’re alive, you’ve won. You’re the center of your strength. Always trust your gut, Jakey. Your instincts will never lead you astray,” Shannon finishes with a small hitch in her voice.