I let out an audible hiss that earns me hoots and hollers from the men in the room. I think I hear something about a spank bank being filled, but I don’t pay attention.
Shanny sends me a warm smile before a suggestive eyebrow wiggle making me smile so big it hurts as I take my place at Kat’s side.
“Surprise,” she says through a shy smile.
“That is was. Sorry,” I apologize to the guy marrying us.
“It’s not a problem,” he assures me and continues with the ceremony.
“You may now kiss your bride,” he announces what feels like seconds later and I obey.
I capture Kat’s mouth in a searing kiss, dipping her back as she laughs against my mouth.
“I present to you Mister and Missus Nicholas Cooper,” he says and the place erupts in more raucous applause.
I race down the aisle, stopping at the front door of the mansion where the rest of the wedding party meets us and begins the never ending congratulating. I skip most of it for my son.
He’s bulkier and taller already. He looks like a man now and I’m filled with pride at the sight. I keep him at my side while I introduce him around. Kat fulfills my social duties until it’s time for pictures.
After a thousand photographs, it’s finally time for our reception. We start off with our first dance to “When a Man Loves a Woman” just like it was played when we got engaged. I hold Kat close and kiss her often as we sway to the music.
“I love you, Missus Cooper,” I purr into her ear as our dance ends.
“I love you, Mister Cooper. Thank you for giving me all of this. I was just existing before I met you. You’ve allowed me to thrive in a way I didn’t know was possible. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us, Nicky,” Kat whispers lovingly against my cheek.
“Sunshine, with you at my side, our lives will be perfection.”
I move my lips against hers, pouring all of my love into my wife. She’s mine. I have a treasure in my arms that I’ll never relinquish. I did this. I fought for the love of my life and while the battle was brutal, it was worth every wound.
When I pull back from our passionate kiss, my heart stops at the smile breaking across Kat’s face. There she is. Every piece of her. Just for me.
“Let’s wrap this thing up a so I can peel you out of this dress,” I murmur into her neck.
“Okay,” she mumbles against my cheek and slides away from me to get the show on the road.
Instead of a father daughter dance Kat elected to do a mother son dance. Each of the boys takes their turn with her, causing her to unravel into a pool of tears as they whisper words of love. When Jake gets her in his arms, his words wreck more than the others’. Of course it could just be his presence along with the pregnancy, but I’m sure my son is saying words that are filling her with those tears of joy.
Not having a mother to dance with, I decided to dance with Shanny and Cara. I start with Cara and she hangs onto me snugly as I lead her around the dance floor. She remains silent in my arms, but squeezes me with love before I let her go.
Shanny comes into me as closely as she can with her gigantic belly that’s about to burst.
“I’m proud of you,” she murmurs into my ear as we sway slowly. “You earned all of this love. You let yourself find the light and then you held onto it even when you thought it might burn you. I love you, Nicky.”
“Love you too, Shanny,” I whisper before pressing a long kiss into her cheek.
When the song finishes I go to my bride and take our seats at our table at the head of the ballroom. A room filled with the weirdest mix of people I’ve ever seen. Criminals and saviors mix together without barriers or concern for the other. An unconventional family built on love and loyalty.
I interlace fingers with Kat, rubbing my thumb across her wedding band. She gifts me that beaming Sunshine smile and I see it. That light I was afraid to live in, I now crave. There’s no blackness defining me anymore, only light that I’ve found and built on. I deserve the glow and I’ll let it warm my heart every day for the rest of my life. The monster within me is dormant, content to live in the peace that remains.
Blackness Within
September 2014
Continue reading for a sneak peek
Escaping the Blackness
Jake Cooper's Story
Winter 2014
Blackness Takes Over
Blackness Awaits
Shrouded in Blackness
Natasha
The end of three twelve hour shifts is the last time I want to hear from Darla Reynolds.
“Hey, Mom,” I huff into the phone as I fold into my silver Camry. I bought it used five years ago and I baby the damn thing like everything else that I’ve worked for. And I’ve worked for every single thing I have in life.
My mother really tried to help, but she’s barely been able to make it throughout the years. She got pregnant in high school and promptly dropped out, leaving her with a newborn, single and no skills. She made ends meet working two jobs as long as I can remember. It was usually a combination of fast food work during the day and cleaning jobs at night. It was a hard way to grow up. Goodwill clothes, cold winters trying to save on heating bills, no air conditioning in the scorching Midwestern summers, sometimes days without food and weeks where I wouldn’t even see my mother. If it wasn’t for Blake I’m not sure I’d be here today.
I’m three years younger than Blake, but he’s been my protector since the day I was born. We may be half siblings—call us that and I promise both of us will go off—but he’s everything to me. Blake’s a kind soul at the base of who he is. He protected me when no one else was around to do it. I wish that Blake was still around. Drugs have turned him into a muddled shadow of who he once was and now I have to look out for him. That’s why my mom is calling me at the end of my shift.
“Tosh, you need to go to Blake’s,” my mother orders in her gritty smoker’s voice.
“I just got done with three twelves. I’m beat, Mom,” I protest weakly.
“Well, I just got done with an eighteen hour day and I live in Cameron. I haven’t heard from your brother in a week. Are you really gonna make me drive a fuckin’ hour to find him?”
And there’s the guilt I’ve come to expect. I turn my car toward Midtown and roll my eyes at myself. I’m too easy. I should stand up to both of them and stop this crazy pattern we’re in. But I can’t. Blake is a drug addict and resembles something that I used to know and love. I know he’s still in there and someday he’ll come back to me. I wake up every morning believing today is the day. I’ve been doing that for nine years now. I would have been doing it longer, but I didn’t know things were bad back then.
Blake started out smoking pot when he was fourteen. All his friends did it and he was never one to be left out. The one time I tried to join in the seeming merriment my brother beat Josh Harding to a pulp for handing me a joint. That’s my brother. Destroying himself and saving me.
“Just go home and get some sleep, Mom. I’m headed to Blake’s now. He’s probably passed out in some chick’s boobs.”
“Not everyone can be as perfect as you, Natasha,” she sneers in return. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m tired and worried. You are perfect, Toshy and it’s harder for your brother than it is for you.”
I know she doesn’t mean to take this shit out on me, but I always seem to be on the end of her insults while Blake is on the end of her babying. At twenty-nine years old it doesn’t bother me anymore. This is my life.
“I’ll text you once I find him.”
“Thanks for doin’ this for me. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
We hang up and I crank the volume on some old school Linkin Park. I’m tired and my body hurts. We had a tough delivery tonight and I can feel it head to toe. The mother and the baby both survived and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.
I’ve been a labor and delivery nurse just shy of six years. Working my way th
rough nursing school took over five years, but I did it. I waited tables, tended bar, sold shoes, worked in a hardware store, cleaned office buildings and any other thing I could find to make money. When I started school Blake wasn’t into the drugs he’s on now and he helped me out a lot. He got me my first studio apartment. It was in Northeast, a pretty rough Kansas City neighborhood, but I felt safe enough.
Then about a year later Blake started doing cocaine and when that got too expensive he moved to crack. Things have gone progressively downhill from there. I see three options for my brother: rehab, jail or death. Jail and death will be the same for Blake. He doesn’t have enough self-worth to make it through the prison system. So I’m still hoping Blake will pull it together and make the right choice so I don’t have to identify his body in the morgue one morning when I wake up and realize my love isn’t enough to heal my beloved brother.
I find street parking in front of Blake’s rundown house. If I’m being honest it’s a crack house. The siding is missing more than it’s present. I can smell the stink of pot and the chemically order of meth as I traverse the dilapidated stairs onto the porch. The front door is cracked open which is ridiculously dangerous on this street. I cover my face with my hand as I push into the house.
It’s worse than I’ve seen it before and that’s saying something. There’s not a bare space on the floor. It’s filled with garbage, empty food containers, bottles, broken glass, cigarette butts, animal droppings, used syringes and that’s only what I can identify with the small amount of light streaming from a lantern sitting on an upturned milk carton.
Tears prick my eyes as I tiptoe through the space, trying to avoid the worst of what I see. As I approach the couch I can see a woman’s body flopped precariously over a bean bag, face down. Her shoulders are moving with shallow breaths. She’s alive. Another man is passed out on the 1970s couch that used to be a swirly pattern of red, brown and orange but is now just brown with burn holes. I know he’s passed out because his snoring is shaking the rafters. I finally spot Blake.
I drop to my knees and search for a pulse. He’s pale, nonresponsive, dirty, hairy and laying in a pool of vomit on the filthy floor.
“Goddamit, Blake! You selfish motherfucker, don’t do this to me!!” I wail as I smash my fingers into his carotid. I release a shaky breath when I find his pulse strong and even.
Lowering my butt to my heels balancing on my knees, I roll my brother to his side and begin to try to wake him when my world stops. I’m frozen in place and my heart is thundering in my chest. What the hell is that? I get my answer immediately as I hear another wail from a baby.
I leap to my feet and leave the junkies where I found them. I no longer move carefully across the floor, I trudge through the dumpster beneath my feet on a mission. Find the baby. I can tell by the cries it’s not a newborn. Not that it matters right now. I’m just absorbing information as I search.
I shove my way into the bathroom first.
Nothing.
I fight my way into a bedroom and shout as a giant rat runs across my feet. The baby has stopped crying making my search harder now. I sift through newspaper, Styrofoam, dirty needles, food, rat shit and I don’t know what else. The only light I have is a tiny flashlight on my key ring. There’s no baby in here.
I move into the hallway once again. There’s only one more room. Blake’s. The baby has to be in there. I struggle mightily to shove the door open as it resists everything on the floor. I’m careful in case the baby is up against the door. Once I have it open enough to slide my frame through, I do just that. I frantically flick my light over every surface until I see it. A tiny naked body on the floor. I thought I moved fast to get to Blake a few minutes ago. It’s nothing compared to my swift movements to this baby.
I immediately begin checking it over. There’s a pulse but it’s weak, the breathing is rapid and shallow. I scoop up the diaper-covered baby and move: through the putrid house, past the unconscious bodies, down the rickety stairs, across the uneven sidewalk and into my car. I place the baby on the passenger seat and I drive. I check the pulse almost the entire time I drive until I meet my destination.
Home.
Dedicating this novel to my husband seems like a tiny recognition of everything he does for me. I live the life I do because I have the best partner, teammate, cheerleader, supporter, caregiver, ass kicker, distracter, debater, brainstormer…my muse. Writing stories of strong women that find happiness with strong men originate from this strong woman finding her strong man. I love you with every breath I take.
My children remain my greatest reward in life. Someday I’ll show them the characters that have been borne from the love they teach me with every single day the sun shines on their adorable faces. Love is too small to describe the feeling I have for my boys. They encapsulate my soul with happiness.
There are days that are harder than others. On those days, I reach out to my lifeline. My best friend. Chris, you make tough days easier, good days better and everything in between joyful. A life without you wouldn’t be a life at all for me. It would be a sad, dreary space. Whether you’re an ocean away or at my side you give me solace. Loving you is the simplest thing I do every day.
Amanda…you’re a shining star in my life. I’m not known for my abilities with the ladies, but you’re an exception to the rule. You teach me something new every time we talk. Whether it’s how girls feel at fourteen or that I have serious issues writing with commas, I’m always learning from you. It’s not often I think my life is anything other than wonderful, but I can admit something was missing before you came into it. Thank you for being an amazing friend to me. Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for having my back at every turn. I love you to bits, lady. Always will.
Professional and personal lines no longer exist with you, Ellie. Hours of talking about our lives, loves and work are effortless and fulfilling. I’ve never looked forward to Fridays as much as I do now. One of the best parts of writing for me is imagining how we’ll dress it up in the end. If not for you talent, I wouldn’t have the success I do. If not for your generous spirit, I wouldn’t have an amazing friend that’s always there for me. Loves and hugs to you.
Ruth you’ve given me such support and kindness that I don’t have words to express how you mean to me. A life on an island all alone withered away when I met you. Thank you for offering me your friendship when I needed it more than I was willing to believe. This next year will be a joy, knowing I’ll get to share it with you.
Pam and Michele, you ladies have been the most amazing supports in the blogging world. I’m honored that you’ve taken the time to sing my praises. I hope you continue to enjoy the series and fight against the blackness right along with me.
My readers, reviewers and fans are AWESOME. I’ve received some of the sweetest words and reactions from all of you. Your trumpets are loud and verbose, causing me endless joy. Thank you for taking the time to come on this journey with me. I couldn’t do it without all of you!
Follow me at one of the links below to keep up to date with my newest projects. Blackness Within will have sneak peeks available to those on my mailing list. You can sign up at my website below. Thank you again for your support. Please leave reviews if Into the Blackness made an impression on you. It's been quite a ride for me the last eight months and I'm excited to keep the journey alive with all of you!
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Into the Blackness (Blackness Series Book 4) Page 38
