“What do you mean?” asked Joam. “I'm doing everything you tell me to.” They'd been doing drills, shifting back and forth from human to varnal form in increasingly rapid intervals, all morning long, and he was tired. He hadn't slept well the night before, alone in the room he was supposed to be sharing with Blake.
“Yes, but only because I'm telling you to. You take no joy in your varnal form.”
“And why should I?” Joam snapped. He hadn't asked for this. He'd finally found someone to love, and now he had to give him up because of what he was. For that matter, his being a varnal had lost his mother her life too. True, Joam hadn't killed her as Higgs made him believe all those years, but just the same, if Joam had been a normal human being, then Higgs never would have taken any interest in him or his ma.
“If you have to ask me that, then you still don't know what it truly means to be a varnal.”
Anxiety, grief, and exhaustion drove Joam past the breaking point. “I know fucking well what it means, Vic. It means losing everyone you've ever loved. It means that no matter how hard you try to be a good person, deep down, you're just an animal, mindless, driven by need, and sooner or later, you'll destroy everything you ever wanted.”
Vic sighed. “You're right.”
That surprised Joam. Vic saw his shock and smiled. “What you just described is the fate of many varnals in this world. But it doesn't have to be that way. There's nothing wrong with you, Joam. You are as nature made you, and you deserve happiness.”
Joam folded his arms tight across his chest. “How's that supposed to happen?”
“You have to let go of your preconceived ideas. Let go and let yourself be who you truly are.”
“No matter who gets hurt in the process.” It was an accusation, not a question.
“The more you fight it, the more danger Blake will be in.”
Joam swallowed the bitter retort he was about to make. “What?”
“Come on, Joam. Use your head. Do you really think you would have lost control with Blake if you'd let yourself play with us the night before?”
Joam stared at him. “So, if I want to protect Blake, I have to be unfaithful to him?”
“Unfaithful? Ah. I see the problem now.”
“What. What do you mean?”
“You're trying to translate a very specific human moral code and apply it to yourself. But you're not simply human, Joam. You're a varnal. Until you accept that, and accept that the rules are different for us, you're just going to keep putting yourself and Blake in jeopardy.”
“I don't want to do that.” Joam wasn't even sure which he was talking about, giving up monogamy with Blake or putting Blake in jeopardy.
Vic sat down next to him and nudged him with his shoulder. “Give yourself a break, Joam. Most humans don't really adhere to monogamy, even when they say they do. And varnals… It's different for us. No reasonable person could expect you to limit yourself to one human lover. That would be like taking a racehorse and making it draw a buggy for the rest of its life. It's wrong. It's as much a crime against nature as any sorcery.”
Joam looked at him. “That's a bit extreme, don't you think?”
Vic looked back at him, his crystalline blue eyes clear and unflinching. “Only if you believe that varnals are of lesser worth than humans.”
There was no doubt that Joam found Vic attractive. In fact, the swelling in his groin right now proved it. Vic glanced down and smiled. “Come on. Let's shift again.”
If he did, Joam knew it would be even harder to resist Vic's charms. He hadn't spoken with Blake since their argument, but he knew he'd hurt him bad. He wasn't even sure if they had a future together anymore, but the last thing he wanted to do was make things even worse by fooling around with Vic.
On the other hand, if what Vic said was true, it offered an alternative to severing their bond. If he could get Blake to forgive him for pushing him away. If the suggestion of an open relationship didn't ruin everything. “I need a break now, Vic. I'll think about what you said. I promise. First, I need to talk to Blake.”
Blake lay in bed until he heard Joam get up and go downstairs. When he heard him and Vic going into the basement, he got up, got dressed, and came down to the kitchen, where he got himself a cup of coffee. He wandered into the living room and found Enid and Jimmy.
“Blake, hey,” said Enid. “I heard about your fight with Joam. I'm sorry you guys are having such a hard time.”
Blake shrugged and sat down next to her on the couch. Yesterday's anger had become a dull ache of sorrow. The anger had been better. “I don't know what's going to happen,” he said. “Joam is convinced that if he even touches me, he'll drain the life out of me. And the worst thing is, if it were the other way around, I'd probably be acting exactly the same way.”
“Well, if you two do work it out, there's some things you'll need to know about being the human lover of a varnal.”
Blake sipped his coffee and stared at her. “Yeah, like what?”
She nodded and turned the volume down on the television. “Get used to missing a lot of work,” she said. “Because even if Joam gets the accidental shifting under control, the two of you are going to want to do it while he's in varnal form, and inevitably, there'll be some energy exchange. Most of the time, you'll just be weak for a couple of hours afterward. The two of you must have been really going at it.” She grinned.
Blake shifted uncomfortably on the couch. He didn't find her observations funny. And Jimmy was rocking in the chair by the television set. The sound, a rhythmic creak, creak, creak, was driving him nuts. It was a constant reminder of what almost happened to him. Of what could still happen to him if he wasn't careful.
“You'll need to come up with a cover story. One that explains frequent bouts of weakness on your part and ensures privacy for Joam when he needs to change. My recommendation is you find yourselves a place in the country. It's much easier for a varnal to shift and get the exercise he needs when there's a lot of open country around.”
“How often does he need to shift?”
“As often as possible,” said Enid. “The longer he goes in human form, the more likely an accidental shift is to occur, and that can be a total disaster.”
“I know.”
“Oh, it's not just that. Think about what would happen if Joam lost control in public. He could be killed.”
Blake hadn't thought of that. “Is that likely?”
“Only if he tries to repress his true nature. You need to make sure he understands that you love all of him, not just his human part. If you make his varnal form seem like something he should be ashamed of, then I'm afraid he might avoid taking it. It's already a problem for him.”
“Oh.” Was Blake sending unspoken signals to Joam that he was not all right with Joam being a varnal?
“And what are your views on monogamy?”
“What?”
She shrugged. “I noticed that the other night when Joam was out with us, he didn't join in our sex play.”
Blake stared at her. Sex play?
“It's not normal for a varnal to be monogamous. Have the two of you made any promises to one another along those lines?”
Blake blew out his breath. “Promises? Not exactly. I guess we both just assumed we'd stick to each other.”
She nodded. “Yeah, that's not going to work for Joam. In fact, it's probably the reason why the accident happened the other night.”
Was the “accident” his fault? He hadn't known. Enid's information put a whole new light on things, and he wasn't sure how he felt about it. “So what you're saying is that even if we do patch things up between us, I'm going to have to live out in the middle of nowhere, I won't be able to keep a regular job, and I'm going to have to share Joam with a rotating cast of other lovers.”
Enid nodded. “Pretty much.”
He sighed. “I wish there was a human partnered with a varnal who I could talk to,” he said.
Enid gave him a sad smile and glanced o
ver to Jimmy. “Me too.”
* * * * *
Blake went out in the backyard to get some air, to get away from Saffron's motherly concern, Enid's sympathetic looks, and Jimmy's constant rocking. The yard was ill kept, with tall grass and weeds. An overgrown honeysuckle bush lent the air a sweet aroma, and a mulberry tree near the rusting fence dripped berry-laden branches nearly to the ground. Blake's foot slid on something hidden under the grass, and he looked down to see a partially buried kid's sand pail. He glanced back at the house. Somebody needed to clean up back here.
He supposed Saffron was busy with the cooking, and Enid had her hands full with Jimmy. That left Vic, and he was working with Joam. Blake made a decision and went back into the kitchen and fetched a garbage bag. He went around the yard, picking up old broken toys and other odd bits of trash. When that was done, he'd trim the bushes and the mulberry tree, and then he'd see if they had a lawn mower. He needed something to do, and he might as well make himself useful to somebody.
The work seemed to help focus the thoughts that were swirling around in his brain. What Enid had told him about being a human partnered with a varnal had been another blow to the fantasy he'd been painting for himself of what life with Joam would be like once they got settled.
The way it had gone in his mind, Joam would get a job as a mechanic at a good, honest, well-run shop. They'd get a little apartment. Nothing fancy. Blake would do the chores and work part-time, and they'd scrimp and save so that he could go to school and become an astronomer. They'd work hard, both of them, but at night, they'd be in each other's arms, making love until they both fell asleep.
It was a selfish dream, he'd realized all along. He couldn't just assume that Joam would be willing to put him through school. And what if Joam wanted to be something besides a mechanic?
But now, Blake realized it was selfish and unrealistic in ways he'd never even imagined. For one thing, there were no other lovers in this fantasy. No other varnals, no place for Joam to become houndclad and hunt in the night. Blake didn't really give a damn where he lived, as long as it was with Joam. No, the real question—provided he could convince Joam to ever touch him again—was whether he could share Joam.
Chapter Seven
“Joam, I need to talk to you,” said Blake, standing at the top of the stairs to the basement, his arms folded across his chest.
Joam looked to Vic, then wished he hadn't when he saw Blake's frown deepen. Why did he feel he needed permission to speak with his own lifemate? He nodded to Blake and followed him up two flights of stairs to the room that, until last night, they'd shared.
Blake shut the door behind him and stood with his back to it. “I can't take this. I can't stand being shut out anymore.”
Was Blake breaking up with him? Was that what this was? Was the pain of separation so bad that he'd reconsidered severing their bond and was ready to end it now? “I don't want to keep you at a distance. I hate it too.” Joam blushed at the pleading in his voice. He was begging Blake to understand. He straightened his spine. Blake also needed to understand that his safety was the one thing Joam would not compromise on. “But I can't let another mistake like that happen.”
“I know. I understand how frightening that was for you. It's worse for you than it is for me. I understand that now, and I'm sorry I didn't take it more seriously before. But just cutting off all contact between us… It's…”
“Unbearable,” Joam admitted. Even now, Blake's warmth called to him. All he wanted to do was take him in his arms and kiss him senseless. But that was the problem.
“Do you still want me?” asked Blake, his voice small.
Joam stared at him, dumbfounded. “Of course I do! How could I not? I love you, Blake.” He paused. “Do you still want me?”
“Yes!”
“So this isn't about severing our bond?”
Blake's eyes were wide. “What? No! That's… The whole idea of sorcery is repellent to me, in the first place. And I want to be with you, Joam. I'm not giving up without a fight. If severing our bond was the only way that you could be healthy and happy, then I'd do it. But it's the last thing I'd ever want.”
Both of them spoke in unison. “There might be another way.”
“I was talking to Enid—”
“Vic said—”
They laughed, a welcome respite to the tension of the last day. “You first,” said Joam.
“Enid says that the reason you shifted accidentally was that earlier, when you were with the others, in varnal form, you…” He swallowed. “You didn't let yourself engage in sex with them.”
They stared at one another. Finally Joam said, “She told you about that.”
“Yes, and I don't care. You're a varnal, Joam. It would be crazy for me to expect you to act like a human. Hell, most humans can't stick with one partner.” He gave a wry laugh. “I should know. I love you, Joam. All of you, not just the human part. And if sharing you means we can be together, who am I to complain?”
Joam sighed and paced the room. “Vic said the same thing. I don't—It's not—” He stopped and turned to face Blake. “It's a two-way street, and I don't want to share you.”
Blake smiled. “Believe me, I've had enough sexual partners to last me the rest of my life. And with the way it is between us… You're everything I want and need. There isn't going to be anyone else for me, Joam. Just you.”
Joam felt like his heart was in his mouth. He could barely restrain himself from taking Blake into his arms. “But I don't want anyone else besides you either!” he cried out.
Blake opened his arms and stepped closer. Joam flinched back. “Come on. A hug isn't going to hurt anyone.”
Blake's nearness, the love in his eyes, it was overwhelming. What Vic and Enid said had better be true, he thought, because when it came to Blake, he couldn't stay away. Joam sank into his arms, and together they rocked side to side. Blake stroked his hand up and down Joam's back in slow, soothing strokes, easing the tension in those taut muscles. Just feeling Blake's hand on his back made him want to do more. Joam took a deep breath and stepped back.
The flash of hurt in Blake's eyes stabbed Joam. But he nodded. Was there any limit to Blake's understanding and tolerance? “This…this isn't how I'd choose things to be,” said Joam.
“I know.” Blake sat down on the bed.
Joam sat a little distance from him. He kept leaning in and catching himself and then pulling back. He was so relieved that Blake didn't want to end it between them, that there was still hope for them. He hadn't slept well, and the release of tension now made him even more tired.
“Look at it this way, babe,” said Blake. “A week ago you were a virgin. A little experimentation would be good for you. I won't pretend that if I had everything my way, I'd have you all to myself, but this is the real world, and even if you weren't a varnal, I wouldn't hold you back from doing your own experimentation—safely, of course.”
Joam was thunderstruck. “How can you be so generous? If it were the other way around, I don't think I'd—And just what constitutes safe varnal sex, anyway?”
Blake laughed, and this time Joam joined in. “You'll have to ask Vic or Saffron about that,” he said.
Seeing Joam laugh and smile again was such a relief. Blake wanted to throw his arms around him and give him a big kiss, but he held back.
Joam leaned in toward him, then seemed to catch himself and pulled back. Blake noted the dark circles under his eyes and the slight tremor in his hands. “Babe, have you slept at all?”
“A little.”
Blake nodded, stood up, and pulled the covers down on the bed. “Get in. Get some sleep, hon. Now.”
Joam opened his mouth to protest, then sighed and nodded his head. He stood up and undressed. Blake restrained the impulse to help him. “I promise I won't come and snuggle up against you while you sleep. Okay? You don't have to worry. I won't touch you.” The words were bitter in his mouth, but Blake knew it was the only way Joam would get any rest.
Clothed just in his boxers, Joam climbed into bed, and Blake pulled the covers up over him. He bent over and kissed Joam on the forehead and went to the door.
“Are you sure about this?” Joam asked, just as Blake was about to leave. “This nonmonogamy thing?”
Blake nodded. “If it means I can make love to you again, I'm all for it.”
* * * * *
His resolve was tested that evening when, around a pot of stew at the dinner table, Vic said, “We're going out again tonight. Joam, will you join us?”
Joam looked at Blake. Blake couldn't tell precisely what was in Joam's eyes in that moment. Did he want him to say yes or no? It didn't matter. Blake knew what was right. He nodded his head.
Saffron smiled and fetched Joam another glass of iced tea.
* * * * *
This time when the others had gone and Blake was left alone with Jimmy, he sat closer to him. He felt bad about how he'd reacted to him before. It wasn't Jimmy's fault he freaked Blake out.
They watched Monk again, and midway through the second episode, Blake reached out and put a hand on Jimmy's shoulder.
The boy didn't pull away. In fact, he leaned into the touch, and the next thing Blake knew, he had his arm around Jimmy, who rested against his side.
There was nothing sexual in the touch. But it was good to be close to someone. It helped him not think about what Joam was up to right now.
Vic, Saffron, and Enid trotted into the clearing and stopped. They all turned and looked at him where he stood, still at the edge of the trees.
Without taking their eyes off him, Vic mounted Saffron, and Enid stroked his ears with her forehands. The sexual energy rolled off them and struck Joam in the chest. He staggered with the force of it. Their smells filled his nose, their cries—low, panting moans and whimpers—filled his ears. And he filled in response.
He wanted to share these things with Blake, and only Blake, but the world demonstrated its indifference to what he wanted on a daily basis. If this would protect Blake, make a life with him possible, then it was more than worth it. He trotted over to them and began stroking Enid's body, head to haunch.
Awakenings 2: Instinct Page 8
