Magic and Other Misdemeanors (The Sisters Grimm, Book 5)

by Michael Buckley

  For Allison. You put a spell on me.

  Prologue

  Puck flapped his wings hard, but nothing he did could stop his body from being pulled toward the black, gaping hole that hovered above him. He looked like a worm struggling to avoid the hungry jaws of a catfish.

  "Hello! We've got a problem," he cried as he flailed in midair.

  Sabrina did the only thing she could think to do. She grabbed Puck's foot as he sailed past, hoping that their combined weight would stop his drift. Unfortunately she, too, was jerked off the ground. She cried out, but her grandmother, uncle, and Mr. Canis were too far away to reach her. Only Sabrina's sister, Daphne, was nearby. The little girl latched onto Sabrina's pant leg and was yanked off the ground as well. Now all three of them were caught in the hole's swirling gravitational pull.

  Puck's face passed through the black hole and his head disappeared. His upper torso and arms followed, then his waist, and finally his knees. All that was left in this world of the boy fairy were his sneakers. Sabrina clung to them with all her strength, attempting to defy the impossible force.

  "We're losing him," Daphne cried desperately.

  "Puck, you have to fight it!" Sabrina shouted.

  But her own words sounded laughable in Sabrina's ears. How could he fight something with such a powerful hunger? What could any of them do to stop themselves, and soon the rest of the world, from being sucked into nothingness?

  Puck's shoes disappeared into the hole, though Sabrina could still feel them. She knew if she let go he would be gone forever, but she had problems of her own. The hole was starting to swallow her up. Both her arms sunk into the empty, dark pool. She took a deep breath and said a final silent prayer for her soul, hoping that God would find her on the other side, wherever that might be.

  And then the hole quadrupled in size.

  Chapter 1

  m sure this could be seen as child abuse," Sabrina groaned as she pulled a pillow over her head. She wondered how many children had grandmothers who woke them up by standing over their beds banging a metal pot with a spoon. She peeked out at the old woman. Granny Relda looked like a member of the world's most annoying marching band.

  "Up and at 'em!" Granny cried as she continued her obnoxious drumming. Granny Relda was fully dressed, wearing a bulky coat, mittens, a scarf, and boots. She might have looked as if she were going whale hunting if not for her bright pink hat with the sunflower applique in its center.

  "I'm up," Sabrina said.

  "Sorry, liebling,"

  Granny replied in her light German accent. "But this is the only way to wake your sister."

  Sabrina rolled over and eyed her seven-year-old sister, Daphne. The two of them had shared a bed for some time now and she was well aware of how soundly Daphne slept. The little girl could doze through a class-five hurricane, so Granny had resorted to finding the loudest, most ear-shattering methods to rouse the little girl. In an effort to save her own eardrums, Sabrina vigorously shook her little sister until Daphne's eyes opened.

  "Whazzamattawitalllthebangin?" she grumbled.

  "It's time to start the day," Granny said, finally setting down her pot and spoon. "We've got to get in a little escape training before everyone arrives."

  Both the girls groaned.

  "Granny, we hate escape training. We're no good at it," Daphne complained.

  "Nonsense," the old woman said, helping the girls out of bed. "You're both very good at it."

  "Then how come we've never escaped?" Sabrina grumbled.

  Granny did her best to hide her smile. "Get dressed, girls. Like I said, we have a big day and there is no time for dillydallying."

  "What do we wear?" Sabrina said, crossing the room and opening the closet door.

  "Dress warmly," Granny said as she left the room. "Dress very, very warmly."

  The girls dressed as quickly as their tired bodies would allow. They had come to understand their grandmother and knew to prepare accordingly. If she said to dress lightly, that meant shorts and T-shirts. If she said bring a towel, that meant bring a dozen. If she said dress warmly, that meant two pairs of long-johns, four pairs of socks, heavy blue jeans, boots, two sweaters, scarves, mittens, and a down coat. Very, very warmly might well mean bringing along a portable space heater. Sabrina added a little wooden sword to her ensemble, shoving it into her coat pocket.

  "What's that for?" Daphne asked, eyeing the weapon.

  "You never know," Sabrina said, and she and Daphne went to join Granny Relda.

  The old house was a museum of memories. Every wall was decorated with photographs from Granny Relda and Grandpa Basil's months of honeymoon adventures. Sabrina saw a picture of the two of them holding an enormous fish near an icy river, another of them white-water rafting, and still another posing in what appeared to be Red Square. There were many more photos of the girls and their father and mother. There was even one wall dedicated to the family dog, Elvis.

  Their uncle Jake stepped out of the bathroom as they went down the hallway. He was a handsome blond man, a bit on the lanky side, with a crooked nose he had gotten in a fistfight. He was still in his pajamas and had a toothbrush in his mouth.

  "Good luck," he said, giving them a thumbs-up gesture.

  "Easy for you to say," Sabrina mumbled. "You don't have to spend your mornings running from a certifiable psychopath."

  "You say it like it's not going to be any fun," Uncle Jake said with a grin.

  Granny met them at a door at the end of the hall. She reached into her ever-present handbag and took out a giant key ring. There must have been a hundred keys--made of gold, silver, crystal, brass--on the ring. There was even a skeleton key that looked as if it had been made from a real skeleton. Granny sorted through the keys, found the one she wanted, and then inserted it into the door. When it was open, she escorted the girls inside. There, Sabrina found herself in a spare bedroom with an ornate, full-length mirror hanging on the wall and a queen-size bed in the middle of the room. On the bed were her parents, Henry and Veronica Grimm. They were sound asleep, as they had been for the last several months.

  "Go on, girls," Granny said, nudging them forward.

  Sabrina and Daphne walked up to the mirror. Daphne reached out to touch its surface and her hand slid through. The reflection rippled and moved like water upset by a skipping stone. Then she did something most people would have thought impossible: She stepped through the reflection and vanished. Sabrina and her grandmother followed.

  The group found themselves in a brilliantly lit hallway, as big as Grand Central Station, with enormous columns holding up a barreled ceiling. The hall seemed to go on forever and was lined on both sides by doors. A little man in a black tuxedo was waiting for the Grimms. He had thinning hair and a soft, kind face.

  "Look at my little snow bunnies," the man said as he clapped his hands with glee.

  "Hello, Mirror," Sabrina said.

  "Are you ready for the escape training?" Mirror asked. He gave her a wink for encouragement.

  Daphne grumbled something under her breath.

  "They're both a little tired," Granny explained.

  "Well, I suppose we should get started," Mirror said as he turned and led the group down the hall. Sabrina looked at the doors on both sides. Some were made from wood, some steel, and others from more unusual substances. Once she had seen one that seemed to be made out of fire. Each door had a little brass plaque that stated the contents of the room beyond: magic carpets, unicorns, enchanted armor, golden fleeces, lions, witches, wardrobes--the rooms went on and on.

  Finally, the group stopped at a door with a littl
e plaque that read "The Snow Queen's Homeland." Granny handed Mirror her keys and he went to work unlocking the door.

  "Hey, wait a minute. I've read the story of the Snow Queen," Sabrina said.

  "Indeed," Granny said. "Hans Christian Andersen wrote about her."

  "Yeah, and he said she was a nutcase and a killer. She froze some poor kid to death!"

  "Are we going to be safe?" Daphne asked.

  "The Snow Queen doesn't live here anymore, girls," Granny explained. "This is just where she was born. Now she lives on Beechwood Avenue near Old McDonald's farm. I think she drives an ice-cream truck. All right, girls. Let's get started."

  The door opened and bitter cold wind blasted the group. Sabrina swore she could feel icicles forming on her back teeth. She looked up at her grandmother. "Are you crazy?"

  "This is going to be fun," the old woman shouted over the noise as she stepped inside.

  "Good luck! See you when you get back," Mirror said as he nudged the girls through and closed the door.

  Sabrina glanced around. She had learned that some of the rooms held magical items and others held unusual creatures, but only recently had she discovered that some of the rooms led to other worlds. They'd been to the top of a Mist Giant's mountain, on an island that seemed to be alive, and inside a volcano--all inhospitable. But this world, this Snow Queen's Homeland, was the worst. Everything was covered in ice. There were huge boulders of it wherever she looked. The frost-encrusted ground was rock hard. Even the forest that stretched out before them was frozen stiff.

  "My eyelids are sticking together," Daphne said as she rubbed her eyes.

  "Go on, girls," Granny said, pointing to a path that led up a hill bordering a dark wood. "You know how this works. Walk ahead. When you hear my whistle, you'll know you've gone far enough. Then turn around and try to make it back to me. Easy as pie!"

  Sabrina knew arguing was pointless, so she took her sister by the hand and started down the path. They hadn't gone more than a few yards when they heard laughter echoing through the woods.

  "He knows we're here," Sabrina said.

  "This is all your fault," Daphne replied. "My fault?" Sabrina cried. "How is this my fault?"

  "You called him an ugly freak baby at dinner last night. Now he's out for revenge."

  "It was a term of endearment."

  "Well, he's going to make this extra hard on us today."

  After a while, the girls heard their grandmother's whistle.

  "There it is," Sabrina said. "Time to head back."

  They stopped, looked around, and started back down the path. A moment later they heard more laughter and the sound of flapping wings.

  "The ugly freak baby is on his way," Daphne said.

  The ugly freak baby in question was named Puck. He was a four-thousand-year-old fairy who looked like an eleven-year-old boy but acted much younger. The Trickster King, as he called himself, was a master of obnoxious pranks, vulgar manners, and dirty tricks. He was also the bane of Sabrina's existence. He had taken a particular interest in humiliating her whenever possible, which was most of the time. Unfortunately, Granny Relda felt Puck was the right person to help the girls think on their feet and escape from unpredictable situations. So he had become a sort of teacher to them as they trained for their futures as full-fledged detectives. Unfortunately, his teaching strategy was somewhat disturbing, so now when they heard a loud explosion on the path next to them, they knew that school was in session.

  Frightened, they darted behind an enormous snow-covered tree and peered around the trunk. Puck was nowhere in sight, but they could hear the beating of his wings over the chill wind.

  "Puck booby-trapped the path," Daphne said, shivering. "We should head for the forest."

  Sabrina peered at a bank of fir trees several yards off the path. They were thick and would make good cover, but Sabrina was sick of hiding. Puck always caught them in the woods. He could fly over and see where they were. It wasn't fair.

  "He's expecting us to run into the woods. We do it every time."

  "Hiding is good," Daphne said. "I'm a big fan of hiding."

  "I bet that first explosion is the only one on the path. Why would he booby-trap the rest of it if he assumes we're going to hide in the forest?"

  "Then what should we do?"

  Sabrina furrowed her brow and thought, searching through her mental filing cabinet from her year and a half in foster care. Puck wasn't the only clever one in the Grimm household. Sabrina could get in and out of a house undetected, pick a few simple locks, and run like the wind before anyone knew she was gone. Puck might have called himself the Trickster King, but Sabrina had a name for herself--the Queen of the Sneaks.

  "Let's just stay on the path and run real fast," Sabrina said.

  Daphne's face crinkled as if she'd bitten into a sour pickle. "You want to stay in the open?"

  "And run real fast," Sabrina repeated.

  "What if you're wrong?" Daphne asked.

  "Then Granny Relda is going to wake us up early again tomorrow," Sabrina said. "It's worth a shot."

  Daphne peeked around the corner, then turned back to her sister. "I don't know about--"

  But Sabrina didn't give her sister time to think about the plan. She snatched her by the hand and dragged her back to the path, which led down a slight hill lined with pricker bushes. Each icy thorn sparkled like jagged glass, so they went slowly and paid attention to their steps. Sabrina's plan seemed to be working. They hadn't set off another booby trap. Could they have actually out-tricked the Trickster King?

  Soon they came across a chunk of ice as big as a car. They stopped to catch their breaths and hid behind it with their backs pressed against its chilly surface. Sabrina took the opportunity to make sure the little wooden sword was still in her pocket.

  "I think we did it," Daphne said, peeking around the boulder. "You're mucho smart-o."

  "Mucho smart-o?"

  "It's my new word," Daphne said. "It means you're very smart."

  "In what language?"

  "Daphne-ish," the little girl said matter-of-factly. Sabrina's sister was always coming up with odd little words or sayings. No one had any idea where any of them came from, but Daphne seemed to have a new one each week.

  "You're really good at thinking on your feet. I wish I was better at it," the little girl continued.

  "Well, you're very good at the magic stuff. I wish I could use a wand," Sabrina said ruefully. "I guess I'll do what I'm good at, and you'll do what you're good at."

  "We make a pretty good team," Daphne said, hugging her sister.

  "We do," Sabrina agreed.

  "Isn't this just the sweetest moment ever?" a familiar voice said from above, followed by a mischievous snicker. "I'm going to get a cavity."

  "Puck," Daphne groaned.

  Sabrina craned her neck to get a good look at the boy. He was standing on top of the ice boulder. He wore a grungy green hoodie and jeans covered in mud, food, and heaven only knew what else. He had a shaggy head of hair, dazzling blue eyes, and a devilish smirk on his face. His pink-streaked insect wings fluttered behind him and he held a coconut-shaped device that looked a lot like a grenade. He had half a dozen more of them strapped across his chest.

  "What's that in your hand, Puck?" Sabrina asked suspiciously.

  "It's my latest creation. I call it a glop grenade. Allow me to demonstrate," Puck said. "All you do is pull the pin, count to three, and throw it. The unfortunate moron in its path is sprayed with all manner of disgusting rubbish. This one is filled with fur balls and chili. You're going to have to take a lot of showers to wash this off. You'll probably have to burn your clothes, too. So where was I? Oh yes, one..."

  Sabrina lifted her hands to show him they were clenched into fists. "You throw that thing at us, and it will be the biggest mistake of your miserable life, fairy boy."

  "Two," Puck continued, unimpressed.

  Sabrina watched him wind up to throw the grenade, and with reflexes faster tha
n she even suspected she possessed, she snatched her little sword from her coat pocket and brought it down on his hand. He cried out and dropped the device. It hit the ground and rolled toward a tree, exploding an icky brown-and-yellow slime all over the bark. The frigid air quickly hardened the substance into an icy shell. Unfortunately, the air couldn't freeze the revolting aroma that wafted into Sabrina's nose. She almost gagged.

  "You're going to pay for that, snotface," Puck snarled, but Sabrina was no fool. She was already on her feet and pulling Daphne down the path.

  "Look at the piggies run!" she heard him cry. "Silly piggies! You can't outrun me."

  He was probably right, but she was going to try anyway. She ran as fast as she could, stumbling along as she lost her footing over and over again on the slippery terrain. Daphne was having just as much difficulty.

  "One! Two! Three!" she heard Puck shout, and another foul-smelling explosion splattered the ground just inches away. Luckily, Daphne pulled Sabrina back in the nick of time.

  "C'mon!" The little girl shouted as she fled from the path and into the forest.

  "No! That's what he wants us to do!" Sabrina cried.

  "We don't have any other choice," Daphne said as another glop grenade exploded onto the tree next to them.

  They ran through an outcropping of tightly packed frozen maples. Sabrina hoped the trees would provide the girls with cover for a moment so she could think about what to do next. But her hopes were dashed when she spotted the trees' inhabitants. Hiding in the branches above the girls' heads was an army of chimpanzees dressed in white-and-gray camouflage overalls and wearing matching soldiers' helmets. Each chimp was holding one of Puck's glop grenades in its long, furry hands. The sight of them brought the sisters to a screeching halt.

  "OK. No sudden movements," Sabrina said, recalling her first encounter with Puck's primate privates. They were a nasty bunch, but if the girls were careful, they might get away from them. "Just be quiet and take a slow step backward."

  Daphne did as she was told while Sabrina kept an eye on the chimps. The beasts made no motion to attack. They just stared at the girls with a dull curiosity.