Magic and Other Misdemeanors (The Sisters Grimm, Book 5)

by Michael Buckley

  "What's 'vermin' mean?" Daphne whispered.

  "Vermin are pests like rats, mice, and cockroaches," Sabrina explained.

  Daphne's face contorted with disgust. "Gross!"

  "I'm going to have to check the basement to make sure you don't have a nest," Boots said, though Sabrina could see he was visibly trembling.

  Sabrina tugged on her grandmother's sleeve. "We saw a mouse hole at Baba Yaga's house," she reminded her.

  Granny winked at Sabrina and then turned to Boots. "A mouse, you say? Mind if we take a look?"

  "What about my missing clock?" Morgan asked.

  "It's possible that it's connected," Granny replied.

  Boots eyed the family suspiciously. "I have to tell you, Relda. This could get dangerous. We might not all make it back alive."

  "Looking for mice?" Sabrina asked.

  "They're vile, unpredictable creatures. They're all teeth, fur, and claws."

  "We'll try to be careful," Granny Relda said.

  "Don't say I didn't warn you," Boots cried.

  "If you find anything, please let me know," Morgan said to Uncle Jake, running her hand down his arm. "Oh, strong."

  "Yeah, I lift weights from time to time," he bragged.

  Granny grabbed her son by the other arm and pulled him outside. "You can be so embarrassing sometimes, Jacob."

  Boots led the family around the building and down a flight of steps to the basement. When he unlocked the door, he turned to the family and raised a finger to his mouth. "Shhh! They've got great hearing."

  The basement was damp and cluttered. There were stacks of moldy cardboard boxes, a collection of poorly laced tennis rackets, an artificial Christmas tree still covered in tinsel, and an old coffee table with a wobbly leg. Boots weaved his way through the room, staring up at the cobweb-strewn rafters. He explained that he needed to be directly under Morgan le Fay's apartment. Once he found the spot, he took a flashlight off of his tool belt and shined it along the walls and ceiling.

  "What are you looking for?" Daphne whispered, peering into the shadows.

  "A nest," Boots purred. "Or a hole in the ceiling. They could be chewing their way into Morgan's apartment."

  "A mouse can chew through a floorboard?" Sabrina asked. It seemed impossible that a tiny creature could do that kind of damage.

  Boots shook his head. "Only a fool would underestimate a mouse's capabilities. They can squeeze through a hole a quarter of their size. They can chew through concrete and jump up to twelve inches. Plus, they're ravenous. They've got to eat fifteen to twenty times a day, so they're highly motivated. When you combine that with how many babies they make in a year--

  upwards of a hundred--you can see we are under assault. They're coming for us, kid. They're going to take over the world. It's not a matter of if... it's a matter of when."

  Just then, Daphne brushed against a cardboard box, knocking it to the ground. There was a heavy thump and clang, but Boots acted as if someone had just set off an explosion. He leaped behind a chair and shouted for everyone to get down.

  "We're under attack!" he shouted.

  Granny helped him back to his feet and assured him the invasion had not yet begun. When he had calmed himself, he went back to his search.

  "There's no holes down here and no tracks upstairs. I suspect it was only one mouse. Morgan probably carried it in from outside. They can leap onto a coat and cling to it for days. Mice are sneaky. In fact, their name comes from a Sanskrit word for thief."

  "Could it be something other than a mouse?" Uncle Jake asked.

  "Like what?"

  "Oh, I don't know--a little person, perhaps a Lilliputian?"

  "Sorry, Jake, that's not my specialty, but anything's possible."

  Granny reached into her handbag and found a pen and a small scrap of paper. "Would you call us if there are any other unexplained situations like this one?"

  Boots nodded. "You on some big case, Relda?"

  Granny smiled. "We are Grimms. This is what we do."

  * * *

  "I cant believe the effect that woman had on me," Uncle Jake said as they drove through town. "I think she's got some kind of magic over men."

  "I half expected you to offer to scrub her floors," Granny grumbled.

  Uncle Jake laughed. "Don't worry, Mom. I'm not going to bring a witch into the family. I've got my eye on a princess."

  "You should have had your eye on finding clues," Granny scolded him. She turned in her seat and looked at the girls. "Well?"

  Sabrina and Daphne gaped at her.

  "What are you asking us for?" Sabrina sputtered.

  "Because you two are detectives. This is your case. What have you detected so far?" the old woman asked.

  Daphne shrugged, causing Sabrina to grimace. She was hoping her little sister had noticed something she hadn't.

  "C'mon, girls," Granny begged. "What do these two robberies have in common?"

  "Stolen magical items," Daphne said.

  "Correct!"

  "Um, both were robbed by someone that the victims never saw?" Sabrina added.

  "Excellent!"

  "Both of the people who were robbed were witches," Daphne added.

  "And both have a mouse problem," Sabrina said.

  "So you have been paying attention," Granny said with a grin.

  "You think mice broke into their homes and stole their stuff?" Sabrina asked with a snort. "You sound as crazy as that cat!"

  "Uh, hello? We're in Ferryport Landing," Uncle Jake said. "It's more than possible."

  "The Three Blind Mice live in the town, as well as the Mouse King of Oz and his people," Granny said. "In fact, there are quite a number of mice living in this town, but I have what detectives call a hunch.'"

  "You think the criminal is something other than a mouse?" Uncle Jake asked.

  "Possibly. You mentioned Lilliputians back at Morgan's house. We did have to put an end to one of their crime sprees a while back."

  "But all the Lilliputians are in the town jail," Daphne said. "Then I suppose it's time to pay them a visit," the old woman replied.

  Sabrina and Daphne exchanged a look.

  "The new sheriff is not exactly one of your fans," Uncle Jake said. "Do you really think he'll be cooperative?"

  "Perhaps not." Granny Relda sighed. "But it cant hurt to ask."

  "Actually, I think it could hurt a lot," Sabrina said. Before Sheriff Nottingham was elected, the legendary villain of the Robin Hood story swore that when he became sheriff, he'd devote every waking hour to locking the Grimm family behind bars.

  Uncle Jake drove the family to the police station and parked the car on the street. The first thing Sabrina noticed was that the bicycle store next door had closed. A big sign in the window said g oing out of business.

  "I guess I can cross that off the list," Sabrina said. One of her birthday wishes was for a bicycle.

  "It appears times are tough all over," Granny Relda said as she pointed across the street. An antiques store and a florist were also boarded up, each with signs hanging in the window that read sorry, we're closed.

  Entering the police station felt like climbing into the mouth of a lion. The new sheriff was cold, calculating, and carried a dagger with him wherever he went. Luckily, he was not in the lobby when the family stepped inside. Christmas decorations hung from the walls and a needleless pine was rotting in the corner with a few multicolored bulbs still clinging to its decaying limbs. These were decorations Sheriff Hamstead and his deputies, Swineheart and Boarman, had set up back in December. It was just one example of the office's neglect. An inch of dust covered most surfaces, leaning towers of files spilled their contents onto the filthy floor, and many of the desk chairs were broken and lying on the ground. There was no one at the front counter or anywhere else. The only new addition to the station was a full-length mirror leaning against a wall. "Hello!" Granny called out.

  "Maybe he's gone," Sabrina said hopefully. "We should come back."

 
Before anyone could take her advice, a door at the far end of the room opened and Sheriff Nottingham entered. He was a tall, angry man with long black hair that fell past his shoulders. He had a jagged scar that ran from the bottom of one of his dark eyes to the corner of his lips. A goatee framed his wicked mouth.

  "What do you want?" he growled as he limped over to the desk. Sabrina remembered that the injury was the result of one of Robin Hood's well-aimed arrows.

  Granny forced a smile onto her face. "Sheriff, we haven't had the opportunity to talk since you were elected. I thought it best if we came down and said hello. I'm sure you're aware of my family's history in Ferryport Landing. I know the previous administration found our unique talents very helpful. I wanted to extend my hand with the hope we'll be able to work together for the good of the town."

  "Extend your hand, woman, and you'll find me lopping it off with a sword," Nottingham seethed.

  Uncle Jake stepped forward. "You talk like that to my mother again, pal, and you and I are going to have a big problem."

  The sheriff pulled his coat aside to reveal his shiny dagger. "Our problems have yet to begin."

  Uncle Jake pulled his jacket aside to reveal hundreds of blinking rings, wands, and jewels. "If you're feeling froggy, Sheriff--take a leap."

  The two men stared at each other tensely.

  "Why are you here?" Nottingham demanded.

  "We're investigating a series of robberies--"

  Nottingham quickly cut her off. "I haven't received any reports about robberies."

  "I suppose you will once the citizens get to know you," Granny said. "But these are close friends, and we're just helping out. Our investigation has led us here. We'd appreciate it if we could speak to the Lilliputians."

  Nottingham laughed. "I'm afraid I couldn't do that even if I wanted to. I released all the Everafter prisoners when I became sheriff."

  "You did what?"

  Granny cried. "Some of those people were dangerous."

  "Says you. This town is no longer your playground, Mrs. Grimm," Nottingham barked. "You and your meddling family have had your fun, and now it is over. Luckily, you won't be around much longer."

  "What's that supposed to mean?" Uncle Jake asked, already reaching into his pockets for a weapon.

  "I'm talking about the tax."

  "The tax?" Sabrina said.

  "The property tax," Nottingham said with a smile. "What? Didn't you get the letter?"

  "What letter?" Granny said.

  Nottingham reached into a desk and pulled out a typed form. He threw it at Sabrina, who scanned it quickly and then read the first paragraph aloud. '"Property Tax Assessment. The town of Ferryport Landing has recently reassessed the value of your property, resulting in additional tax. Your estimated obligation is one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.'"

  "One hundred and fifty thousand dollars!" Granny groaned.

  "Yes, public services aren't free. There are schools and roads to maintain, and of course the Police Department. Everyone is going to have to pay their fair share."

  "Even you?" Uncle Jake said.

  "Me?" Nottingham laughed. "I'm exempt. I'm an Everafter."

  "You're only taxing the humans?" Granny Relda asked.

  Uncle Jake growled. "You dirty, filthy, rotten--"

  "Ferryport Landing is an Everafter settlement," Nottingham said. "Too many outsiders have come in here, stealing our jobs, enjoying our hospitals and schools. But not for much longer. Mayor Heart has decreed, and I wholeheartedly agree, that Ferryport Landing is an Everafter town for Everafters!"

  "You've sent this letter to every human in town? What if the people can't pay?" Granny Relda asked.

  "Then we'll repossess their property."

  "What does 'repossess' mean?" Daphne whispered in Sabrina's ear.

  "It means they can take our house and kick us out into the street," Sabrina replied, quickly realizing why the bike shop, florist, and antiques store had closed their doors.

  Daphne turned to Nottingham. "Where will we go?"

  "That's not the town's concern," Nottingham said, cracking his knuckles. "But don't worry. You have until Friday to pay your bill."

  That's only two days away,

  Sabrina thought.

  Sabrina watched out the window as the car cruised through the little town. She felt as if she were seeing it for the first time. It hadn't been long ago when she had thought Ferryport Landing was boring and old-fashioned, but she had learned to love it. Now it was disappearing right before her eyes. Moving trucks were parked outside of homes as burly men loaded beds, wardrobes, record players, and clothes onto them. Everyone, it appeared, was having a yard sale, hawking their most prized possessions in hopes of paying the tax or having something to start a new life somewhere else. She imagined Nottingham and Mayor Heart driving through the town and rubbing their greedy hands together, cackling at the troubles they had heaped on the human population.

  "This is nothing to worry about," Granny Relda said, though her expression didn't match her confident words. She kept reading and rereading the tax letter. "Nothing to worry about at all."

  "Granny, do we have a hundred and fifty thousand dollars?" Daphne asked.

  The old woman shook herself out of a daze. "I'm sorry, liebling.

  What did you say?"

  "Do we have the money to pay the taxes?"

  Granny flinched at the question, like she had been stung by a bee. "We'll be fine, girls," she said to them, but Sabrina was already nervous. During her time in the orphanage, and later in dozens of foster homes, she had acquired the ability to recognize a lying adult.

  * * *

  Later that evening, the girls dressed in their white martial arts robes, called

  Gis.

  The uniform consisted of white pants and a robe shirt with a sash of colored cloth used as a belt. Sabrina helped Daphne wrap her brown belt around her waist and then tied her own yellow one. The colors represented levels of expertise; brown was for beginners, yellow was more advanced. Once the girls were ready, they met Puck in the hallway. Dressed in his usual jeans and green hooded sweatshirt, he had a big black scarf wrapped around his waist.

  "I think you have to earn your black belt," Daphne said.

  Puck rolled his eyes. "I'm already the best butt-kicker in this town. They don't even have a color for how good I am."

  Sabrina shrugged and unlocked the spare-room door that led to her sleeping parents and Mirror. After kissing her parents on the cheek, Sabrina led the others through the reflection, where they found Mirror sitting in a chair enjoying a glass of brandy and some expensive chocolates.

  "Snow's down the hall," he said, pointing. "Have fun!"

  The children walked the way Mirror had pointed and soon found the gorgeous teacher waiting for them near the rooms that held magical hats and "Tooth Fairy Teeth." Snow wore a white robe like the girls', but with a black belt wrapped around her waist. She had her long dark hair tied up in a bun and was barefoot. "Hello, children," she said, bowing.

  "Hello, sensei," Sabrina and Daphne said together as they bowed back to her. Puck, however, was picking his nose.

  "Tonight we are going to continue to work on our blocking," Ms. White said.

  Puck let out an exasperated groan. "Again! When are we going to learn to punch someone in the face?"

  Snow White sighed. "Puck, I told you when you asked to join the girls' training sessions that martial arts are not about attack. They're about defense."

  "Well, I'm starting my own martial art then," he said. "It's called Puck-fu and there's only one move you need to learn--the knuckle sandwich."

  "Well, I wish you luck with that, but Mrs. Grimm and I feel that the girls should learn to defend themselves against attackers," Ms. White said. "Now, everyone, let's get into our defensive stance."

  Ms. White moved among the group, throwing training punches that allowed the children to block her attacks with ease. As the night rolled on, the attacks became more forceful. T
hey worked on closehanded and openhanded blocks, how to step aside to avoid a punch, and how to use their own wrists to stop an assault. Ms. White was a patient teacher, though Sabrina could tell she was a bit preoccupied. She knew that Charming's disappearance was weighing heavy on Ms. White's heart. Sabrina wanted to reach out to her, but what could she say? She certainly felt sympathy for Snow's worries and broken heart, but Charming was a jerk. He had never done anything that wasn't in his own interest. He'd only ever helped the Grimms to impress Ms. White or to advance his own career. Sabrina wondered what the teacher even saw in the pompous blowhard. Sure, he was breathtakingly handsome, but once he opened his mouth he turned into a first-class lout. Still, she felt she should say something. "He'll turn up," she said softly.

  Ms. White looked as if she were fighting back tears. "I hope so," she whispered, then told the children she would see them in a couple of days for their next class. The girls walked with her out of the Hall of Wonders, downstairs, and then outside, waving when her car pulled out of the driveway.

  Sabrina closed the door and went to the dining room where Puck was wolfing down some kind of soup. There was a note on the table from Granny explaining that she had gone to bed early, that Mr. Canis was in his room, and that Uncle Jake had gone out for the night. She advised the children to have as much soup as they wanted and then to get to work researching tiny people and any small animals that might be capable of stealing magical items. Sabrina was dumbfounded. After their run-in with Nottingham and the news of the tax assessment she had completely forgotten they were even involved in a mystery.

  "She must be worried," Daphne said as she peered into the pot. "There's nothing purple in the food."

  Sabrina poured some soup into a bowl for her sister and then did the same for herself. Then they sat with Puck, who, after several threats, surrendered a few of the rolls he had been hoarding.

  "You better be nice to me, piggy," Puck said with a mouthful of soup. "When you two are homeless, you're going to want to live with me in the forest and I'm not going to let just anyone live in my forest!"