Roman's Having Sex Again

by Nikki Ashton

  I swallowed and nodded as Roman let go of my hand and cupped my cheek instead. His eyes were dark and the little tic in his jaw had appeared.

  ‘You make me laugh, you’re interesting and you don’t take my shit. I’ve started to be nice because you wanted me to be. I’ve told you this before, but I’ve been falling for you for months, and I intend to keep falling. For months I’ve been holding back, considering the consequences, and doing a lot of thinking about you, specifically about those fucking pouty lips, when I’m alone in the shower. So when I finally grew some bollocks and did something about it, I couldn’t believe what a fucking amazing woman you were as well as being damn beautiful and sexy.’

  This time when he paused I made a little whimper and then, for whatever reason—I have no idea—blurted out.

  ‘We can’t see each other anymore.’

  Roman blinked. ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘We can’t see each other anymore.’

  Before I could say anything else, Roman was out of his seat and dragging me with him. I stumbled to keep up with him as we travelled through the club, finally stopping in front of the office door that he’d dragged me through twice before.

  Once inside the office, Roman pulled out a chair at his desk.

  ‘Sit,’ he commanded.

  I crossed my arms and stared at him.

  ‘No, you can’t tell me what to do.’

  ‘I just did. Now sit down and tell me what the fuck that shit was all about.’

  He nodded towards the chair. If his set jaw and furrowed brow were anything to go by, he was definitely not going to take no for an answer.

  I flopped down into it with a huff.

  ‘So go on,’ he said, his tone a little softer now.

  ‘I just think that it could become too difficult in the office, and I don’t want to have to leave my job.’

  I couldn’t look at him, so I stared down at my hands which were twisted together on my lap. There was no way I wanted to stop what we were starting, but Roman wanted us to become serious—he’d just made that clear. How could I allow that to happen knowing that I’d never be able to give him the children he wanted?

  ‘That’s bullshit, the job has been going perfectly well, so now tell me the real reason.’

  ‘It’s not bullshit.’

  I looked up at him and wished I hadn’t. His chestnut-coloured hair was sexily dishevelled, his brown eyes were dark and brooding, and he looked totally confident that I would not be getting my own way on this one. His confidence knocked mine down to the ground, and I couldn’t help the little sigh of wonderment that this man wanted me. Roman must have heard it because his lips twitched at the edges.

  Despite His Royal Sexiness standing in front of me, I had to be stronger and stick to my guns on this. I’d rather have a few days of misery now than years of a broken heart at a later date. I was already in deep, and if I carried on seeing him, I knew it wouldn’t be long before it was full-blown love on my part. When he left me because I couldn’t give him a child, my heart would definitely shatter.

  ‘Tell me the real reason, Summer.’

  Roman leaned forward and took a strand of my hair that had escaped its quiff and stroked it back into place. His hand rested on my neck and he gave it a gentle squeeze.

  ‘Please, Summer,’ he whispered.

  The tenderness in his tone and in his eyes broke me, my bottom lip quivered and guilt and sorrow started to suffocate me.

  ‘I have to go,’ I breathed as I tried to stand.

  My legs wouldn’t move, and I flopped back into my seat.

  ‘Roman,’ I pleaded, as if he could do something to make my limbs work.

  He shook his head, steadfastly keeping his gaze on me. We watched each other for a few beats: I was getting ready to flee and Roman was getting ready to catch me.

  ‘Whatever I said about why I like you seems to have upset you.’ he said finally.

  I chewed on my bottom lip, not wanting to answer, not able to answer. My head was a mess because I didn’t think I could lie to him now, but I also couldn’t tell him the truth either.

  ‘If that’s what it is, and that’s if, well, tough, I’m not apologising for what I said. I meant every word, they are the reasons why I love spending time with you, why I like you. I do want this to go somewhere and I think you probably do too; in fact, we’re well on the way to that already. So tell me the reason that crock just came out of your mouth. I want to know exactly what it is.’

  We sat in silence for what felt like hours, but as I watched the second hand on the large clock on the wall, I knew it had only been a mere four minutes. Finally, I opened my mouth to speak because I knew Roman well enough to know that he wasn’t going to be the one to crack.

  ‘Things are going too quickly for me …’ I started.

  Roman leaned down and looked me directly in the eye.

  ‘Please give me enough respect to afford me the damn truth, Summer. Because that isn’t it.’

  I took a deep breath. This was not going to plan. God, who was I kidding? There had been no plan—I’d just opened my mouth and gone for it. There was nothing for it: he wasn’t going to let me leave until I told him the truth, or at least a version of the truth.

  ‘Okay,’ I replied with a huge gulp. ‘Tiffany told me that you’d like a big family, and that’s not going to happen if you stay with me.’

  Roman inclined his head as though I’d just spoken in Mandarin.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘You want kids, lots of them, eleven to be precise, and if this “goes somewhere”, as you put it, that isn’t going to happen with me.’ I straightened myself up and held my shoulders back, aiming to look self-assured, even though I didn’t feel it.

  ‘Okay,’ Roman replied with a shrug. ‘Tiff doesn’t know what goes on in my head, and things that I may have told her in the past may not apply now. I think my comment was I’d like eleven kids so that I could start a football team; however, that was when I was twelve years of age and obsessed with the damn game. Yes, I’d like kids, and one of the reasons I came back, was to settle down and hopefully start a family. But if we get to that point, we can compromise on numbers—eleven isn’t set in fucking stone.’

  ‘But what if my number is zero,’ I spat back at him.

  Roman looked above my head and blew out a long breath.

  ‘I don’t know, it may be something that I’d struggle with, if you were adamant.’

  That was it: there was my escape hole.

  ‘Okay,’ I said standing up, grateful that my legs were working again. ‘There’s nothing else to say than. I’m adamant that children aren’t in my future.’

  Roman’s hand came down on my shoulder and pushed me back onto the chair.

  ‘The problem with that is I know that’s a lie too. Which means that we can compromise, which means that we aren’t ending this just because we have a difference of opinion on how many kids we may or may not have in the future. And, considering we’ve only been together a short time, while I do want this to go further, a lot further, that also makes your argument unreasonable at the moment.’

  ‘No it’s not!’ I shrugged Roman’s hand away. ‘Because if we stay together it’s going to be so much harder when we can’t compromise, and we then have to break up after years of being together.’

  My throat began to itch and tears pricked at the back of my eyes. For the last three years I’d wished and yearned for Alex to be the sort of man that I knew Roman was: the sort of boyfriend that made my heart beat faster and my stomach to flutter more. Yet here I was pushing that man, that boyfriend, away, and it was causing my heart to ache.

  Roman took a deep breath and crouched down in front of me. He took both of my hands in his and stroked the backs of them with his thumbs.

  ‘Summer, all I want is for you to be honest with me. I know that zero kids isn’t the number in your head.’

  ‘You don’t know that,’ I argued. ‘You can’t see inside my head.’

/>   ‘No, I can’t,’ he replied softly. ‘But, I do see the smile on your face when Maisie is around. You look at that little girl as though she’s the most magical thing in the world. I saw how you held her on your knee that night they moved in, and how you smelled her so much I thought you’d become addicted.’

  My heart stopped and then did a free fall to the pit of my stomach. How did he see all that? If I remembered correctly, he’d been talking to Caroline about her options.

  ‘You don’t know anything,’ I whispered, emotion cracking my voice.

  ‘Oh sweetheart, I do. I know lots of things about you. I know that just watching you totter around in those damn shoes of yours makes me smile. I know that your capacity to laugh with my crazy parents, not at them, or even be weirded out by them, makes me think you’re fucking awesome. I know that Caroline moving in has been really hard for you, but you smiled and let me help her, and so I know that you are one of the most level-headed and kindest people I’ve ever met. Everything I know about you has made me realise what my damn therapist couldn’t—that life is much bigger than the shit I had swimming around in my head. And so I know now that joy is out there if I want it, I just have to let it in. You’ve made me smile again, Summer. What I also know about you,’ he said with a twitch of his lips, ‘ is that you have a fucking unbelievable rack.’

  I couldn’t help the laugh I snorted out.

  Roman stroked my hair and sighed.

  ‘Okay, now tell me the truth.’

  So I told him, with my eyes shut tightly, because then I wouldn’t see the disappointment that would undoubtedly shroud his face.

  When I opened my eyes after telling Roman everything, I expected him to be disappointed, and I wasn’t wrong. He was sitting on the edge of his desk, his eyes looking into the distance as he rubbed the back of his neck.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered and got to my feet and slowly walked to the door.

  ‘Where are you going?’ Roman asked.

  I looked over my shoulder at him and inhaled raggedly.

  ‘I understand, Roman. I just hope that this won’t affect us working together.’

  He looked at me quizzically, and pushed himself up to his feet.

  ‘Summer, I don’t know what you think is going on in my head, but I promise you it’s not how I’m going to replace you as either a PA or as a girlfriend.’

  I gasped and shook my head.

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  I truly didn’t. He looked shocked by my news, even a little devastated. So, I couldn’t think of any reason whatsoever as to why he would still want to go out with me.

  ‘We’re not breaking up because of this,’ he explained matter-of-factly.

  ‘But you can’t want to—’

  ‘Let me just stop you there and explain something.’

  Roman took two steps towards me, and stopped an arm’s length away. His eyes were soft and full of emotion. Thankfully, it wasn’t pity, because I wouldn’t have been able to stand that. When I looked closely I could see that it was desire, and it threw me. There was nothing sexual or erotic about this conversation, this situation, yet his eyes said he wanted me.

  ‘Firstly I can’t imagine how you feel about it—something close to heartbreak if the look on your face when looking at Maisie is anything to go by. I hate that you must feel like that and there’s nothing that I, or anyone else, can do to help you. Not in the immediate future anyway. Secondly,’ he continued, taking another step towards me, ‘if you and I ever get to the point where we want kids, then I think it will be because we are in love with each other. And, if we’re at that point then I’ve no doubt that I’ll be so fucking in love with you, that a life with you and no kids will far outweigh the thought of a life with kids, but no you.’

  My breath caught in my throat as his words embedded themselves into my brain. I had not expected this sort of declaration. He wasn’t thinking straight.

  ‘But if you get out now, Roman, you can have both with someone else.’

  ‘I’ll let you into a little secret,’ Roman said taking a deep breath. ‘I may have already found my woman, and don’t want anyone else.’

  I gasped and stumbled backwards and leaned against the door breathing heavily. My heart was beating hard as my hands trembled trying to find the door handle.

  The way his eyes were boring into my soul made it clear that I was that woman.

  ‘So the point is, Summer, I can’t contemplate, even this early on in our relationship, doing it with anyone else. You make me happier than I’ve been in long damn time—you, not anyone else.’

  ‘Roman.’

  I said his name pleadingly, but I had no idea why I was pleading. I think I just wanted him to be sure, but the set of his jaw and the strength in his back told me that he was.

  ‘Of course, you may decide I’m too much of a miserable git to put up with and leave me anyway, and that’s something I’ll have to deal with. But I won’t let you walk away from this without trying it first, because I have a feeling in my gut that we could be pretty epic together.’

  Taking the final step to reach me, Roman reached out his arms and looked at me expectantly. ‘Well?’

  ‘Are you sure, Roman, because if we do this, and then you change your mind it’ll be pretty shit?’ I huffed out on an empty laugh.

  ‘Yep, I’m sure. I can’t promise that this is going to be forever, but it feels right for now, and we’ll work together towards the forever part.’

  I chewed on my lip thinking about what Roman had said, specifically that I’d helped him to find joy in life.

  ‘What if you realise it’s just sexual attraction, and someone else starts to make you smile more than I do.’

  I watched as Roman’s lips split into a wide grin that crinkled his eyes at the corners.

  ‘You were there on my office desk, weren’t you? You know, when I was inside you?’

  I nodded and felt myself blush.

  ‘So, you’ll be aware that I wasn’t actually smiling too much at that time?’

  ‘You’re a man, and I don’t think I’m a bad-looking woman. I mean, if a woman is willing and is fairly attractive, isn’t it pretty easy for a man to get aroused?’

  Roman started to laugh.

  ‘I thought the “snake-in-the-grass” was funny, but “aroused” has that beaten.’

  ‘What’s wrong with the word “aroused”?’ I exclaimed.

  ‘Nothing if you’re a sex therapist or wear cardigans,’ he quipped. ‘But to answer your question—no, contrary to your belief, men don’t get “aroused” by every decent-looking woman they meet. Well, I don’t anyway. I need something a little more than a great body and a pretty face, and I can promise you, Summer, while you have both of those in abundance, the things that I find most attractive about you are your damn spirit and your generosity.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  I didn’t recall being particularly generous: I bought cakes for the office a couple of times, but that was it. The spirit I understood, after all I fought with Roman at every opportunity, when necessary.

  ‘I told you, it’s how you dealt with my parents,’ Roman answered, interrupting my thoughts. ‘They’re fucking crazy, but you never batted an eyelid, and that was before we were together. And don’t even start me on how you handled that clusterfuck of dealing with my shit. And you stuck up for my sister,’ he said giving me a soft smile. ‘You’re generous with your time and affection for people you hardly know, and that’s why I like you and find you attractive. Plus, the great rack and arse help.’

  As we both laughed Roman moved until we were inches apart. I looked up into his eyes, trying to find a hint of uncertainty, but there was none.

  ‘Well?’ Roman asked. ‘Do you understand that I’m committed to you?’

  I nodded my head and was then pulled into another knicker-burning kiss.

  A couple of days after our heart to heart at the club, Roman and I arrived at his parents’ house because they’
d asked us around for supper and a game of cards, but weirdly no one seemed to be home.

  ‘We’d knocked at the front door, but all the lights were off and there was no reply. So Roman led us around to the side of the house and through the gate, where we let ourselves in the back door.

  ‘Hello, anyone home?’ Roman called as we came through into the kitchen. ‘Are you sure she said tonight?’ he asked me.

  ‘Yeah, definitely.’

  ‘Hey boy,’ Roman said stooping down to rub at Doolittle’s ears. ‘Where is everyone?’

  Doolittle sniffed at us both and then retreated to his basket under the kitchen table. Keeping tight hold of my hand, Roman guided us towards the door into the dining area of his parents’ lounge/diner. He pushed it open, and, as he walked over the threshold, the lights flicked on and we were greeted by a rousing chorus of ‘Surprise!’ to the backing track of Grease’s ‘Summer Nights’, and a huge banner pinned up across the room that said: ‘ROMAN’S HAVING SEX AGAIN!’

  ‘What the f …?’

  Roman stopped dead in his tracks, causing me to slam into his back.

  ‘Roman?’ I gasped, pointing at the banner. ‘Look!’

  ‘What the hell is going on?’ he cried, still staring at the sea of smiling faces in front of us.

  ‘We decided that having Summer as your girlfriend was worth a party.’

  My mouth fell open in shock, then laughter bubbled up inside me as I watched the horror register on Roman’s face as he looked around the room.

  Twinkle stepped forward and cradled Roman’s cheeks, bringing his head down so that she could give him a big smacker on the lips. Behind her Pete had the video camera rolling, while Tiffany had the grace to shake her head and mouth an apology to me, but barely looked at Roman.

  ‘Mum, what the hell have you done?’ Roman hissed between gritted teeth.

  ‘What I said—thrown you a party. Listen to John and Olivia,’ Twinkled squealed, ‘they’re singing your song.’

  ‘Come on, son,’ Pete piped in, ‘give us a speech.’