Normal

by Jason Conley

  Carissa turned to the next hall. David was there. “Hey,” She said as she approached an open locker and feeling the goose bumps rise. She was sure the bumps were the first sign of a heart attack.

  David closed the door, the hinges creaked, and Carissa came into view. In Carissa’s new awareness, she could see that he was as nervous as she was. “Hello,” David’s voice cracked. He swallowed hard. What do I say? What do I say? “I thought we weren’t going to study until after school.”

  “Right, but you’re still coming with me for lunch,” for the second time today, the words came out uncontrolled so did her hand reaching to touch David’s forearm.

  Carissa’s order or invitation, maybe counting as both, hung in the air. Both charged by the impulsive moment, they said nothing. Sweat beads formed on David’s forehead. Neither he nor Carissa noticed. They watched each other for something; doubt, admiration, treachery, pining, just something. The corner of Carissa’s mouth curled ever so slightly. David slid a hand into his pocket. He wanted more than anything just to step forward, just to be a little closer to her. He wanted to smell her. He wanted to feel her. He wanted…what he knew he could not in reality have. David knew what was going to happen if, or when, his mother saw whatever it was he had for this girl. He had always heard that eyes would give a guilty man away, but only now he knew what that had meant.

  “So what do you say?” Carissa said, breaking the moment just before it turned from sweet to awkward.

  David quietly conceded but inside…Yes! Yes. Yes? Yes! And forty more times yes. David turned his head down and walked locker side of Carissa. David’s stomach was a mess and he knew that it was not from the anticipation of his mother and her watchful hallway tours, but from the growing need for this girl. The emptyness so prominently deep in him was starting to fill with something, though he did not know what yet. All he knew was he wanted to go and he did not care if his mother saw him.

  Only the sound of Carissa’s shoes could be heard, well, at all. The halls were mostly free from students. Carissa’s steps pounded fast and hard. He glanced over his shoulder every few seconds to see if his mother was lurking. She was not but she could at any moment turn any corner and see him with the harlot. David could not see her anyway, but the school was equipped with a video surveillance system and Mrs. Shelton was watching.

  Mrs. Shelton gathered a stack of papers feeding from the copier. The fresh duplicates were still warm in her hands. On them, the questions that would soon sit in front of her senior advanced placement English class for their weekly test on some array of chapters assigned on Monday. She opened the top of the machine to retrieve the original. Turning to leave, Mrs. Shelton caught a glimpse of the hall security camera monitors.

  The screens sat by the door of the copy room. A bank of eight displays kept track of everything that happened on the campus. Every hall, entry, and classroom was covered. Bathrooms and changing rooms were, of course, off limits but the occasional teenager’s handy cam would make its way in. Of course, teenage boys are better than cameras because they let everyone know everything they know and thus end up getting caught, ostracized by their peers, then disappear from the halls until the next year. However, bathroom cameras did not cross Mrs. Shelton’s mind.

  Mrs. Shelton watched as Carissa and David walked from the hall and out the front door. She then watched as the kids walked through the parking lot and into the street. As the last trace of the soles of their shoes exited the six by six monitors, she knew she had to stop Carissa from taking her son. God…yes. God wanted her to bring David back from an unrighteous path.

  “Come on,” Carissa said as she pulled David, who was clearly concerned for his immediate safety, through the busy street.

  “You know there are crosswalks at each corner.”

  Carissa looked back at David and smiled. “You okay?”

  David nodded. He was not entirely okay but good enough for now.

  Carissa smiled.

  Once David and Carissa had crossed the busy, uncross-walked section of street (it was technically a highway), David did not care where they were going. Of course, he had the excitement that anyone would have experiencing something new but it was not…scary. He took a momentary glance at the school but the new world awaited. He concluded that if his mother would have seen them walk out, she would be standing at the front door staring at them. What David did not know is that Mrs. Shelton had seen, and she did not know how to react.

  Mrs. Shelton sat in the stall, tears rolling down her face. She was crying for both God’s plan and the loss of her child. In her heart, he was not a boy anymore. He was not chosen. He was not going to be great in the eyes of her Lord. He is taking her now. Pushing and sweating. The slutty stink of her demon womb wrapped around him. He is forever without God. Jesus has forsaken him. I…I can’t let him. He can be forgiven but he will never be a great leader. But, yes he can. He can atone. I can make him atone. His sin cannot be spared. He must know. The harlot, this tramp, this little demon is debasing my baby boy!

  David’s mother prayed soft and slow. She prayed that God would put a weight on David’s heart to bring him back to the road of righteousness. She wanted God to make him see, not her. It would mean much more from Jesus. As she fell deeper into the prayer, she could feel the peace fill her body as she asked what she should do for her son.

  The voice came all at once and whispered into her, “It has to happen to show him the pain that Jesus had gone through to save the world from itself. Even if I talk to him, David needs to be saved from himself. Only you can save him, sister. Only you can break the rein of Satan over David’s life. You must do it soon.” She knew what she had to do. With the grace of God and her strong guidance, David would walk for eternity in heaven. It had to be done.

  Carissa and David rounded the back corner of the church. April, Rob, and Scott had already grouped there for their midday pick-me-up. David noticed a strange smell growing stronger in the air. He could see smoke being blown from Rob’s mouth. Rob’s eyes began to look like sheets of stained glass and the whites began to grow red as the vessels spread with the euphoric feeling that was emergent in him.

  April and Scott did not notice as Carissa and David walked up behind them. Rob could make no physical reaction through his existential experience but slowly it was replaced with paranoia at the site of Carissa’s new friend.

  Carissa raised her finger to her mouth, letting Rob in on her shenanigans. Carissa stepped soft to April. Carissa breathed deep to hold in a laugh. Then she put her hand on April’s shoulder and in a deep steady voice said, “What the hell are you doing?”

  April’s stomach clenched. She knew that she had been caught. Thoughts of jail and court and probation immediately replaced lunch, next period, and her next breath! She was going to be kicked out of her house and right back into rehab.

  To be kind, April was not an addict, and not in the way addicts are not addicts but really- she was not an addict. She liked pot, occasionally drank, but rarely did anything else. If April had to buy anything but grass, she was not in to it. So when Carissa caught wind of April’s rehab stint last summer, Carissa was confused. Turned out, April had been caught drinking, her mom found the remnants of a half-smoked joint in a flower pot, and April caught a stomach bug, all at the same time. So, April’s subsequent grounding led her mother to believe that she was puking for days, not from the bad Chinese food the family so happen to order the night after April was caught, but from the detox of heroin April must be experiencing because she could not get her fix due to her current grounding. April was in rehab two days later and spent the summer explaining to her counselor’s she was not an addict which, of course, is the first sign of addiction when the initial drug test came back positive. April eventually gave into the program because, well, no one believed her.

  Carissa laughed hard and deep but not audible. Everything tightened from her mouth to her stomach and 0nly faint, sporadic tones escaped.

  “What the fuck,
bitch?!” April shrilled back.

  “You looked like you were going to shit your pants,” Scott said trying to hide his own exceptional terror. Through his forced laughter, he noticed David standing quietly behind Carissa. Scott stopped laughing. He nodded an untrusting hello. David nodded back. Scott turned to Rob who he could see was not happy. Scott, now, was not happy. Scott pressed his lips together in his best attempt to look tough. David did not look up.

  Carissa’s laugh settled. She turned to David and smiled. She reached out her hand and waved him next to her. She wanted to take his hand but did not. Carissa expected her friends to embrace him. She expect her judgement to be met with credibility from her friends. She thought he would be instantly accepted, at least welcomed, to the group without issue. She was wrong.

  David stepped to her side. He began sweat. David could not tell if the beads were from being nervous or the unseasonable heat of the noon sun. He stayed quiet and still. He had already had an encounter with Rob on the bus, and from the look on Rob’s, it seemed like there may be incident part two coming. What if this was all a setup? David’s paranoia whispered.

  A setup does seem to be more believable than, “Save me a seat.” What are they going to do? David looked from side to side. He was looking for any direction he could run. He still thought she might be thinking of him but… No, I need to run. He picked his route.

  “Guys, this is David,” Carissa’s voice broke, her hand touching his forearm again.

  “Hi,” David said as he pivoted his body to the left giving him a straight shot out of the group if he needed it.

  “Rob,” a nod, “Are you cool?” More than a little condescension apparent.

  David grew even wirier of the situation. He was now sure that this was a setup. He liked his lips just as his knees became weak. “What do you mean?”

  “Are going to rat us out?” Scott said as if in a mob movie and broken knee caps were coming next.

  “No,” David said as if surprised by the question.

  Carissa looked at David, her soft eyes batted as she touched his arm to reassure him. Carissa turned back to the others. She was greeted by three of her best friends staring her down. April looked at David. Trying to hide her uncertainty, “So why did you trip out in class that day?” April’s tone lacked the disguise she intended.

  “Yeah, I’m…I’m sorry about that,” David said. He meant it too.

  “What the fuck is your problem, freak?” Scott said stepping toward David. Carissa side stepped in-between the two, her open palm connecting with Scott’s face. David took the chance to escape. He walked fast. By the time Carissa looked over her shoulder, he had made it to the corner of the building. When he was out of sight, Carissa looked back the others.

  Scott was holding his face. Carissa could see the red welts between his fingers. April was ashamed but Carissa did not notice. And Rob, well, Rob’s face was chiseled, teeth clenched, and arms crossed. He was visibly pissed. Carissa could relate. “What the fuck was that?” Carissa said as her fingers began to tingle.

  “What?” Rob said with an arrogant laugh.

  Carissa pointed at Rob, “Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I brought him here because I think he is alright. That should have been enough, but fuck no. If it doesn’t please Rob, it’s a fucking travesty.” She said. “You are one sad piece of shit, Scott. April, I didn’t expect that from you.” She paused momentarily to regain some form of equanimity. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Carissa ran after David.

  Carissa caught up to David as he was beginning to cross the street. He was walking fast and steady and ready to get back to his lonely world. He looked at the front door of the school as something safe and normal. He did not need to add the suspicions and obsessions and stress he had felt in the last two days to his already full “chosen” life. All he needed was his normal existence. He would know what to expect.

  Carissa ran up behind David and hesitated for just a moment before she grabbed his arm. “David,” Carissa said, her voice shuttered. He looked over his shoulder for a moment but kept moving toward the school doors. She felt a strain in her chest. It was almost as if a small needle was imbedded under ribs. Every breath brought more pain. But through whatever was hurting her she said, “David stop. Please.”

  David took one more step before stopping. He turned slow, trying to figure out what he was going to say. He wanted to let her have all the rage that was inside but something kept him from exploding. He did not want to hurt her. He did not know why. He looked at his feet, “What was that? A big joke for you? I hope it was funny.”

  Carissa shook her head. What could she say? It was not a joke, but she did not know if he could believe that. She whispered, “I like you, David.” A car raced by almost drowning out the words. David barely heard them but he still heard them. The words were…they were honest. Carissa realized she made herself vulnerable. David could see the sincerity in her eyes. He did not know what to say. “I really like you.” She said as she looked at him. He turned and began walking again, leaving her in the road alone and open.

  3:37. It had been twenty minutes since the final bell. Alone, Carissa sat in the class of waiting for David. The clocked ticked with every second that past. She watched the hands turn across the black and white numbered face. Carissa began to ponder the very existence of time except as a scheduling mechanism for her finite world, anything to make her forget. David was hurt and it was her fault. She was sure he would see that she did not plan it. The time moved and with not even a pass by the door Carissa was soon to give up.

  3:37. David shifted his books to the other hand as he walked past the houses lining the road behind the school. He had taken the backdoor of the school. It may have been to keep from passing the class that Carissa could possibly be waiting in or to avoid another bout with humiliation and embarrassment. David decided it was an equal amount of both. He did not think she was waiting but he did not want to take the chance of seeing her anyway. He knew she was not taking him there to humiliate him. Why would she? She chastened herself in the process. He half told himself she never wanted to see him again. But then again, he had thought this before and was been wrong. He shifted the heavy books to his other side.

  3:45. The clock had won. The ticking turned to mechanical mockery as Carissa gathered her books and stepped into the hall. The squeak from her boots on the still damp floor echoed from the walls. She had already missed the bus. She looked over shoulder with every other step to make sure he had just not been running late. As she turned the corner, she looked one last time. He was not coming.

  3:45. David’s walk would be neither relaxing nor enjoyable. Thoughts of Carissa sitting alone, waiting, and watching for him to come through the threshold scattered between visions of Carissa riding the bus home, leaving only an empty room in her wake. David understood that he was not leaving only Carissa behind but an intensifying unanswered question. Why? I just met her! This is stupid but I can’t quit…thinking…no that’s the wrong word. Obsessing…too strong. Fascinated? She is not an animal. What is going on? He tried to focus on other things. David kicked at a rock, caught the edge of it well enough to send it flying into a near-by metal dumpster. The impact was loud and rang for several seconds. Yes, David did jump. Yes, David did make a slight sound some would call a yell but others would call a squeal. And finally, yes, an older man raking his yard laughed at David’s reaction. However, David still saw Carissa’s head tilted forward, eyes looking up, hands clenching the bottom of her shirt, and her teeth release the bite from her bottom lip as she stood on the street. As David remembered, Carissa’s eyes closed for only a second before they met his and she spoke.

  “David,” Carissa’s voice angelic. “I li…,” David stumbled over a rock that was large enough to be obvious, especially at walking speed. He now knew one way to get his mind off of Carissa; tripping in the street. He could not trip forever and he had to do something.

  David turned and rushed back to the school. He ran as
fast as he could leaving small dust clouds in his wake, but he had to get there soon. The janitor locked the school at five and he was not sure what time it actually was, but he had to get to his locker. The only thing that could save him was there and he had to get it.

  Carissa stood at the bottom of the stairs looking at the front door not wanting too but about to step back into her contumelious existence. The life that waited behind the large oak entry was not one of safe and secure but of numbing mistrust and betrayal. This morning, she escaped the callous predator in wait, but now she was embracing it once again. This time she was not going to come back. She only imagined the life away from hers, wanting it badly, but to crave was not enough to free her of the clinch that held so tight.

  9

  Boards creaked as Carissa’s right foot lay pressure on the porch. Three more steps, she was at the door. She grasped the brass handle and turning it gently. With a small push, the door opened letting a waft of stale cigarette smoke and booze escape. “What the fuck took you so long?” Casey drunkenly grunted. Carissa thought about Jen for a moment. Jen would have smiled and asked her how her day was and maybe even had cookies baking. Carissa longed for just a little motherly compassion. “Well, what the fuck took you so long? Maybe, I should be asking if you’re gonna tell us your pregnant in a few weeks?”