The Ghost Apple

by Aaron Thier

  1886: Fulton County passes prohibition legislation, forcing John Pemberton to develop a nonalcoholic version of his French Wine Coca. The result is Coca-Cola, a watery nerve tonic that goes on sale that year. Gerald Whiteman steals the recipe for the authentic, alcoholic beverage and begins manufacturing it in his basement and selling it as Whiteman’s Wine Coca.

  1887: Police raid Whiteman’s Atlanta home. He is able to escape to Charleston, South Carolina, where he stows away on a ship bound for Central America. Later that year, he meets Andrew Cheek in Santa Marta, Colombia, and persuades the railroad and banana mogul to invest in his new company, South America Coca and Wine, which he founds at that very moment in the waterfront brothel where the two men are spending the siesta hour.

  1888: John Pemberton dies. He has been a morphine addict since his first exposure to the drug in a Civil War field hospital, and he’s been struggling to find a remedy for his addiction for more than twenty years. Coca-Cola is just one result of his experimentation. Even if it’s a tale of Gilded Age quackery, Pemberton’s story is very sad, and Big Anna® pays tribute to him by including a short bio and photograph on its Coconut Wine™ beverage, which is enjoyed today throughout the Caribbean.

  1892: John “James” Otto comes to New York with $13 in his pocket and starts selling insecticide powder. As an incentive, he offers a free stick of Otto Chew Gum with each can. Later discovering that the gum is more popular than the insecticide powder, he discontinues the gum incentive and resumes selling insecticide powder on its own.

  1893: Andrew Cheek’s Tropical Fruit and Rail Company acquires South America Coca and Wine from the now-destitute morphine addict Gerald Whiteman.

  1894: John Otto goes bankrupt and commits suicide. His brother, James “Tex” Otto, arrives in New York to collect his effects and discovers several unopened crates of Otto Chew Gum. Tex Otto has $11 in his pocket. He begins selling the gum from a cart outside his brother’s building.

  1895: Andrew Cheek states publicly that he has observed Anna Worthington, wife of rival banana mogul Christian Worthington, consume two full bunches of unripe bananas in one day. Cheek tells the New York Times that “Big Anna” is his greatest ally and that he believes she will eat his competitor out of house, home, and business. Continuing the good-natured joke, he names a Colombian plantation after her.

  1896: Christian Worthington challenges Andrew Cheek to a duel. Cheek accepts, but before the two men can settle their score, Worthington dies of a heart attack probably caused by coca wine poisoning. Tropical Fruit and Rail acquires Worthington Fruit.

  1898: Bayer begins marketing diacetylmorphine under the trademark name “Heroin.” The new product is intended for use as a cough suppressant, although it proves to have other applications.

  1899: Tex Otto enjoys his first banana. Astonished by the sweet and delicious fruit, he develops Otto Banana Chew Gum. It soon replaces clove-flavored Otto Chew Gum as Otto Co.’s most successful product. Tropical Fruit and Rail supplies bananas to Otto’s factory.

  1900: Andrew Cheek marries the widow Anna Worthington.

  1902: St. Pierre, Martinique, which is known as “the Paris of the Caribbean,” is completely destroyed by a volcano!

  1906: Otto Co. introduces its first chocolate confection, the Otto Bar, made from rich, thigh-tremblingly sweet West African chocolate.

  c. 1908: Gerald Whiteman stops using morphine! He’ll be clean for the rest of his life, proving that there’s hope for all of us.

  1909: Joan of Arc is beatified.

  1910: Andrew Cheek gets too big for his britches and decides it’s time to expand, first organizing an unsuccessful coup in Nicaragua and then declaring himself king of the so-called Big Anna Republic, a sovereign nation comprised of several Colombian banana plantations, including the notorious Big Anna plantation. That same year, he begins construction of “Big Anna by the Sea,” a lavish three-hundred-room palace.

  1912: There were no bananas on the RMS Titanic, which could have been one reason for the fatal mishap that sent that ship to the bottom of the ocean, since bananas are proven to increase wakefulness and improve concentration. Second-class passengers did enjoy something called a “Coconut Sandwich.”

  1913: “King” Andrew Cheek hosts a banquet to celebrate the completion of his new palace, Big Anna by the Sea. Guests include Hapsburg archduke Franz Ferdinand, J. P. Morgan, and Tex Otto. Cheek is reportedly dressed in a light, loosely fitting suit made from vampire-bat wool. Otto stays on for two months after the event, enchanted by the natural beauty, stimulating coca wine, and furnace-fire heat for which Cheek’s tiny Caribbean nation is known. J. P. Morgan dies of unrelated natural causes later that year.

  1914: Archduke Franz Ferdinand dies in Sarajevo of causes unrelated to his experience with the Tropical Fruit and Rail Company or with Cheek’s Big Anna Republic.

  1914–1918: The Big Anna Republic enjoys consistent prosperity, although Tropical Fruit and Rail struggles during this period.

  1920: Andrew Cheek dispatches a small expeditionary force to the Caribbean island of St. Renard, where the Big Anna Republic intends to establish a colony. The enterprise is threatened when 80 percent of the colonists die in a yellow fever epidemic later that year, one of the last such outbreaks in modern times.

  1922: Andrew Cheek agrees to recognize Colombia’s territorial claims and dissolves the Big Anna Republic, although the change is only nominal and Tropical Fruit and Rail continues to rule efficiently over the region.

  1924: Mortonton Foods acquires Otto Co.

  1925: Mortonton Foods introduces Moctezuma Chew Chocolate, the precursor of Big Anna®’s Authentic Aztec® Sweet Chocolate Chew™.

  1926: Tropical Fruit and Rail merges with Mortonton Foods. The new company is christened Big Anna Foods.

  1927: Andrew Cheek dies peacefully of natural causes and suspected coca wine poisoning at Big Anna by the Sea. Control of Big Anna Foods passes to his son, Ricardo Furenza de la Santidad Cheek.

  1931: Big Anna Foods acquires Cafélisto, an exciting new company that produces a coffee-flavored soluble drinking powder.

  1932: Big Anna Foods maintains profitability without laying off a single worker. Nevertheless, thousands of Big Anna workers go on strike, forcing the company to train and dispatch elite security personnel, the precursors of its heroic Big Anna® Shock Troops™.

  1933: The Dietetic Muffin Company introduces its Banana Bran Muffin at Chicago’s Century of Progress World’s Fair. Originally marketed as a cathartic, Banana Bran Muffins are soon beloved by more than just costive snackers.

  1941–1945: Big Anna Foods enjoys profitability and expands into new niche markets.

  1946: When Gerhard von Papenburg, president of the Dietetic Muffin Company, is hanged as a traitor, Big Anna Foods acquires the company. Afterward, Big Anna Foods changes its name to Big Anna® Brands, the name by which the company is known today.

  1947: Big Anna® brand Banana Bran Muffins®, a reformulation of the Dietetic Muffin Company’s original muffin, are introduced in order to satisfy the continuing demand for semisweet high-fiber snacks like those Big Anna® had produced during a period of ingredient unavailability lasting from 1941 to 1945. To this day, Banana Bran Muffins® have the most fiber per unit volume of any snack cake or muffin, making them arguably the most dietetic snack product currently available without a prescription.

  1955: Big Anna® Coconut Wine™ is introduced throughout Latin America and the Caribbean. The new beverage is a sweeter, carbonated version of Whiteman’s Wine Coca, itself a reformulation of John Pemberton’s French Wine Coca, which was in turn an imitation of Vin Mariani. The popular drink isn’t made with coconuts, however. It gets its name from Coconut Key, the tiny island in the Eastern Caribbean where Gerald Whiteman spent his last years.

  1961: Intrigued by the continuing success of Banana Bran Muffins®, Big Anna® science associates begin to experiment with other ways of processing unsold bananas, research that bears fruit, as it were, in the form of Ban
ana Baby Pap™, Banana Bran Flakes™, leather polish, ointment, teeth whitener, and several varieties of banana wine.

  1973: Radical communist Marville Guajiro, newly elected president of St. Renard, announces that he’s going to expel Big Anna® from the island and nationalize the banana farms and sugarcane fields. Fortunately, Big Anna® Democracy Technicians™ expose electoral fraud and help reinstate former president Torrington McKay. Big Anna® Shock Troops™ remain on the island to keep the peace.

  1975: In response to continuing challenges within the banana industry, and in order to ensure reliable sources of top-quality bananas for its Banana Bran Muffins® and other products, Big Anna® decides to stop producing bananas for export to the United States and instead to reserve that fruit for its own use. In a revolutionary move, the company transfers the majority of its snack production business directly to the Latin American and West Indian plantations that produce the necessary raw ingredients, thus maintaining an efficient and environmentally friendly vertical-integration production model. Big Anna®’s facilities and plantations on St. Renard remain the cornerstone of its Caribbean business to this day.

  1978: Big Anna® acquires Whig Vegipaste, a New Zealand–based sandwich spread company; Top Hole, a Canadian nautical equipment manufacturer; and Paramount Food and Drug, a used-medicament reprocessing company.

  1982: Big Anna® acquires the Polynesian island of Moahu.

  1990: Big Anna® acquires Genutrex® Nutrition, a vitamin and supplement manufacturer.

  1991: Working closely with technicians from Paramount Food and Drug, Big Anna® Science Associates™ develop Moisture Seal™ technology, which enables Big Anna® products to retain their glisten and freshness for months and months, even when they’re removed from the package.

  1992: Expanding quickly into newly opened Central and Eastern European markets, Big Anna® Brands purchases the Croatian arms manufacturer Obradovic, plus three Kazakh television stations.

  1999: Big Anna® demonstrates its continuing sensitivity to the struggles of non-optimal-weight Americans by introducing new Waistshaper® snacks like Bottle Brush™ crackers and Cherry Explosion™ snack treats. Both products are 100 percent isotonic. Big Anna® also introduces individual-serving Microwavable Toast Slices™, Diet Fruit Pieces™, and Zero-Calorie Wigglers®, a gelatin-based No Guilt™ snack treat.

  2007: Big Anna® “goes green” with its LoCarbon™ initiative on St. Renard, which includes the introduction of clean Human Power™ plow technology, arguably the company’s most sustainable innovation to date.

  2009: Following a decade of significant, business-friendly tax legislation, Big Anna® gives back by increasing its involvement in higher education. The company cosponsors the Caribbean Field Studies Program with Tripoli College.

  Now: Big Anna® remains a company committed to unceasing technological modernization while maintaining an emphasis on traditional heritage brands, dietetic and isotonic foods, “green” business, and vertical integration, with lots of new prospects and opportunities on the horizon.

  From: “Maggie Bell”

  To: “Chris Bell”

  Date: November 18, 2009, at 12:26 PM

  Subject: (no subject)

  Hi, Chris,

  I have some news! I know this is coming out of nowhere and I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it, but it was practically just an impulse. I applied to study abroad on St. Renard next semester. I think it’ll be really good. It’ll be good just to do and see something different. It’s not like a desperate plan to make Kabaka my husband. It’s just that I’m really in a rut here. I’m lonely and angry and worked up all the time about all kinds of stuff. I applied yesterday after I had lunch with Becca and Francoise. We went to get Thai food and we just sat there for an hour. It was terrible. We didn’t have anything to say! Freshman and sophomore year it was like everybody was in it together, but now I think we’re all growing into our differences, you know? I felt this high moral righteousness too. I wanted to say, Hey, Becca, you don’t know how easy you’ve got it! Stop complaining! (Not like you and I have had it so bad, but still.)

  Dad will pay for it, I guess. He didn’t give me a hard time about it and that’s nice. The only thing is I’m not entirely comfortable going down there under the umbrella of Big Anna, but if I do some good I do some good, right? I don’t really understand in what way Big Anna is involved. There’s botany and oceanography but there’s also this program of service for locals. We help with some kind of agricultural work, I think. It will all be explained.

  I’ve been hanging out a little more with Dean Brees. Not a ton, you know, not so it’s weird, or weirder than it already is . . . Anyway he’s just a really sweet guy and it’s made a difference for me this semester to have him to talk to. It’s a pretty unlikely friendship I guess. The other day I had lunch with him and he shot milk through his nose! It was totally spontaneous. We were eating in silence, reading our papers or books or whatever, and then suddenly he took a drink of milk and bam! Both barrels. Now I’m pretty sure he has feelings for me, but part of the reason I like spending time with him is that he’s a real adult and he can keep those feelings in check. He treats me like a human being.

  I don’t want you to feel like I’m abandoning you for a semester. I have to get out of my rut, that’s all.

  I feel like a lawn that needs mowing. See you next week!

  Love,

  M

  From

  The Tripoli College Telegraph

  November 20, 2009

  More Revelations of Fiscal Mismanagement

  Investment officer Tom Haley is facing disciplinary action and possible criminal charges after admitting this week to losing “a large hunk” of Tripoli’s endowment in Las Vegas over the summer.

  Haley claims that he was engaged in a form of speculation known as “short selling.” Typically, short selling means borrowing stock, securities, or commodities, selling them, and then buying them back at a lower price and returning them to the lender. In this way, an investor can bet on the devaluation of that financial product.

  Haley, who admits that he “didn’t understand it very well,” simply “invested” a large sum of money, perhaps as much as $1.2 million, in chips at Caesars Palace. He then stayed up for 48 hours playing roulette, during which time he lost everything.

  In a press conference yesterday afternoon, Haley explained, “I was trying to sell myself short, in econ terms. I borrowed a loan, sold it for poker chips, then bought the loan back for less than what it was originally worth. I was engaged in a high-risk venture, i.e., gambling, and I knew it was virtually certain that I’d lose that money, which is why I was betting on the decrease in the value of the sum of money I’d originally borrowed. It’s a classic financial gambit.”

  Asked why he thought the strategy didn’t work, Haley was stumped: “That’s where I lose my grip on the whole thing. The idea is you buy one thing, exchange it for another thing at a certain rate, then exchange it for the first thing again when the rate is favorable. That’s the whole principle of finance. I can’t understand where I went wrong.”

  It is not clear whether Mr. Haley was acting alone, in which case the lack of oversight in this respect is cause for serious concern, or whether he was acting with the tacit approval of administrators. In any case, the incident could have serious consequences for President Richmond, who has also been criticized for what many feel is an unsatisfactory response to the Pinkman-White slavery scandal.

  The president has been slow to defend herself, and her erratic behavior has been cause for comment in recent weeks. She appeared at yesterday’s press conference in sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt.

  “I’m kind of losing faith here,” she said.” Asked to clarify, she explained: “Since very little of this can be construed as my fault, my only role in this situation is that of a scapegoat. It doesn’t matter what I say in my defense. I could say anything.”

  This rem
ark did not win the president any friends, and her position is more tenuous than ever. Several members of the faculty, as well as a number of prominent alumni, have already called for her resignation.

  Professor Francis Amundsen has been particularly vocal in his condemnation of the president, citing many instances of financial and personal irresponsibility. Professor Amundsen has not been able to substantiate his allegations and he is also an outspoken supporter of Professor William Beckford, who is considered one of President Richmond’s possible successors, but it is a mark of the growing feeling against the president that one so obviously partisan has gained an audience.

  The board of trustees will meet next week to discuss the situation.

  Scandal Vulnerability Assessment Original Draft Prepared for the Board of Trustees of Tripoli College by Dr. Francis Amundsen, November 28, 2009

  Investigation of potential areas of legal, behavioral, and/or financial issues associated with President Lillian Richmond have yielded the following allegations, areas of potential vulnerability, and possible grounds for removal:

  • She has been moonlighting as a phone-sex dominatrix.

  • Each morning, according to reports, an attendant prepares a solution of crushed pearls and absinthe, which the president drinks as an elixir of invulnerability. The expense is borne by the college.

  • She drinks palm wine all day out of a giant, heraldically decorated ceremonial mug, which she purchased with college funds.

  • She wears tailored underwear made from vampire-bat wool.

  • She has a live-in servant whose only duty is to remove one half of the “stuf” in her “Double Stuf” Oreos.