by Eric Vall
Chapter 1
“Are you sure this thing is safe, bro?” Todd asked over the roar of the tiny Cessna seaplane. “I think I saw a piece of the wing fly off a minute ago.”
“Relax, son,” the pilot promised from the front. “I’ve been flyin’ since before you were born. Those fuckers weren’t able to shoot me down over in ‘Nam, and it’ll be a cold day in Hell if Ted Rubble crashes his plane on the Canadian side of the border!”
“It’ll be okay, Todd,” I reassured the imp who was disguised in his human form. “Mr. Rubble here was the best pilot our money could buy.”
“How much is he getting for this?” Todd demanded. “I thought you said we were almost broke?”
“That’s irrelevant,” I said with a wave of my hand.
“Ted is very skilled,” Libidine chimed in. “He’ll get us to our destination just fine.”
“But will he get us there in one piece?” Todd whispered with a raised finger. “I think I saw a gremlin out on the wing.”
“That was an episode of Twilight Zone,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “If gremlins were real, don’t you think we would have encountered one by now?”
“Oh,” Cupiditas clicked her tongue from the front seat, “there are still plenty of metaphysical creatures you haven’t met yet… but gremlins aren’t one of them.”
“See?” I motioned to the blonde succubus. “There’s no such things as gremlins. We’ll be fine.”
“Easy for you to say,” Todd grumbled. “You all can fly.”
“So I never got to ask,” Mr. Rubble, who seemed oblivious as to our unusual conversation, asked the cabin. “What brings two young guns and three beautiful ladies like yourselves out to the Yukon?”
“We’re here for work,” I lied. “Our bosses were too cheap to pay for a commercial flight, so we had to swing for a private plane.”
Of course, everything I was telling the pilot was a total lie. Well, maybe not a total lie. Todd, Ira, Liby, Cupi, and I really were out here on “official business,” but not in the way he was thinking. We were out here to find Shax, one of the few remaining members of the Seventy-Two Servants.
He was a hard demon to find, mostly because he liked to keep to himself. As in, he was currently barricaded in a desolate cabin all the way out in the middle of the Canadian wilderness. The closest city was hundreds of miles away, and the nearest airport was even further from his location.
Thankfully, we had been able to put up an ad online looking for a private pilot who could get us out there. That’d be our new friend here, Ted Rubble.
“What line of business are you guys in?” the pilot’s words broke up my thoughts. “Whatever it is, remind me not to get into it. It’s hard to believe anyone would send their employees all the way out to the middle-a nowhere.”
“I dunno, bro,” Todd mused. “We’re gonna get to meet Shaq.”
The pilot looked back at us in confusion. “Shaq?” he asked. “Like, the famous basketball player?”
“No, bro.” Todd shook his head. “I’m talking about the legendary guy who played the rapping genie and the metal superhero. I’m a huge fan. I’ve even got an original copy of Shaq-Fu still in the box!”
“They’re the same person, Todd,” I explained, “and that’s not who we’re meeting. Not even close.”
“You’re not fooling anyone, Jakey,” the imp said as he rolled his eyes. “You just knew I’d never come along if I thought we were going after my favorite actor. Luckily for you, our bromance is stronger than any fanboyism I could possibly have.”
“Glad to hear it,” I played along. “It’s a good thing, too. I hear our Shax is almost as rich as the real Shaq. He’s allegedly got hundreds of thousands of dollars tucked away in his little hideout.”
“Millions,” Ira corrected. “Shax has millions of dollars’ worth of loot in his cabin, mostly in the form of valuable jewels, precious artwork, and gold.”
“You’d be the one to know, sister,” Libidine said as she gave Ira a playful slap on the shoulder. “He donated to your ‘husband’s’ campaign.”
“And now he’s going to donate to mine,” the Sister of Wrath purred. “Whether he wants to or not.”
“Hey now,” Todd interrupted. “There’s five of us, so we should all split it five ways, right? It’s only fair that I’m compensated for taking out one of my idols. You know, emotional trauma and all that.”
“For the last time, Todd,” I sighed, “it’s Shax with an ‘X,’ not the basketball player.”
“Serious actor,” Todd corrected. “It’s like you’ve never seen the masterpiece that is Blue Chips, bro.”
“Fine.” I sighed. “This guy we’re meeting is a demon, not an actor. Besides, all the money is gonna come back around to you, eventually. Think of all the cool shit we can do once we have millions of dollars at our disposal.”
“We could finally add on my ‘playroom!’” Ira cooed.
“Sister Gula could finally have an industrial-sized kitchen,” Libidine added. “And Cupi here could get her personal gym, and I could have a closet the size of a warehouse.”
“Careful.” I grinned at the curvy succubus. “Some of this money needs to be invested in our businesses. It can’t all be for clothes and gyms and food.”
“Hmmmm.” Todd patted his chin as he pondered, and then the lightbulb seemed to come on in his head. “Slothy and I have been talking about opening up our own dispensary… I’ve even been experimenting with my own strains of weed in my greenhouse.”
“Slothy?” Liby questioned.
“That’s what he’s been calling Tris,” Ira explained. “Our newest members of the group aren’t exempt from Todd’s nicknames, either.”
“Bingo, Crazy Eyes.” Todd winked to the succubus. “Slothy’s been trying all the new strains I’ve been making. Fuck, one of them was so good that she didn’t move off the couch for a solid week. That greenhouse is like my own private mad scientist lab.”
“We don’t have a greenhouse,” I reminded the imp cautiously.
“Sure, we do, bro,” Todd argued. “What do you think all those lights in my closet are for?”
“No, Todd,” I tried again, a little less subtle. “We don’t have a greenhouse because that would be illegal, remember?”
“Ohhhhh.” Todd nodded. “Gotcha. Anything we’d be making would be across the border, and one-hundred percent legal.”
The imp in disguise fumbled around in his pocket and produced one of his joints. He lit it with a flash of red Hellfire, placed it on his lips, and took a puff.
“Not that I let the Man tell me what to do, anyway,” Todd explained. “I like to live life on the--”
“Put that out right now!” Ted growled. “There’s no smoking on Rubble Airlines. Especially not the…. Wacky Tobaccy.”
Todd’s eyes grew wide, and he quickly snuffed the doobie and tossed it through the crack in the window. “Won’t happen again, sir,” he promised.
“Good.” The pilot nodded and then did the sign of the cross on his chest. “This is a holy airplane, son. What you want to do in your own spare time is you and the Lord’s business, but don’t be soiling this aircraft with your devilish hobbies.”
My friends and I all looked around at each other and tried our best not to laugh. This poor guy didn’t know the half of it.
“I think we’re getting close, Jacob,” Libidine pointed out the window. “This is Wayfinder’s Lake, the one Shax always comes to when he wants to fish. His cabin has to be somewhere around here.”
“Alright, Ted,” I called up to the pilot. “Is that enough space for you to put ‘er down?”
Mr. Rubble turned around and looked at me with glee in his eyes. “Son,” he explained, “I could put a plane down on the Erie Ca
nal if I had to.”
The pilot then reached up and grabbed the walkie-talkie-like device from his dashboard. “Attention all passengers,” his voice rang through our headsets. “We are about to make our descent. We’d ask that you please buckle your seatbelts and remain seated until the plane has come to a full stop.”
Liby, Ira, and I all fastened the small black belts around our waists, but Todd remained unmoved. After a moment or two, I motioned for the imp in disguise to do the same.
“Nope,” Todd shook his head. “Not doing it. I don’t believe in seatbelts.”
“You don’t believe in--”
“Look, Jakey,” he tried to explain. “The Toddster’s all about freedom and living life on the edge. If I don’t wanna wear my seatbelt, then why should anyone tell me otherwise? What’s next? Are they gonna tell me it’s illegal to cross the street where there’s no crosswalk?”
“Actually--”
“And then what?” Todd continued. “Is ‘The Man’ gonna make me donate my blood so that they can use it in their super-secret cloning experiments?”
“That went from zero to one hundred real quick,” Ira whispered.
“I’m not wearing it,” the imp scoffed one last time. “It’s a matter of personal freedom, bro.”
“Alright,” I conceded, “if that’s what the Toddster wants.”
“It is.” Todd grinned and put his hand up into the air. “Viva la--”
Before he could finish, our plane took a massive nosedive down toward the lake. Todd’s eyes widened as his body was propelled upward by the G-forces of the motion, and he smacked his head violently against the top of the cabin. As he landed back in his chair, he fumbled at the belt until he finally clicked it into place.
“You were saying?” Ira said with a sly grin.
“Hey,” Todd panted through panicked breaths, “at least I woulda gone out on my own terms.”
“Attention, passengers,” Ted’s voice crackled through our headsets. “We’re experiencing a slight bit of turbulence, but we should be arriving at our destination shortly. Fair warning, the landing’s gonna be a little bumpy, so hold on to your rears.”
I glanced out the window of the Cessna and saw the ground quickly approaching. The lake was still pretty far away, and for a moment, I began to wonder if we were going to hit it at all.
My fears were thankfully squashed when the aircraft jerked up horizontally and began to level off.
“We’re comin’ in hot!” Mr. Rubble warned. “I’d hold on to somethin’ if I were you.”
I gripped the armrests of my leather seat tightly and closed my eyes. The next thing I knew, there was a massive jolt and a large splashing sound. Finally, I opened my eyes, saw the beauty of Wayfinder’s Lake floating past the window, and then let out a sigh of relief.
“I knew Ted could do it.” I smiled at my friends. “He’s the best private pilot in all of Oregon.”
“Damn straight.” Mr. Rubble chuckled. “Although I was a tad worried there for a second or two. Honestly, if I hadn’t pulled up when I did, we probably would have all been splattered across that tree line right now.”
“That’s really not something you should admit to your passengers, bro,” Todd explained with a horrified tone in his voice.
“I believe in transparency, son,” Ted argued. “I may be a lot of things, and I may have done some terrible shit in my day, but if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s a liar. Now, where do you want me to drop you off?”
I unbuckled my seatbelt, stood up, and walked up to the cockpit portion of the plane. “There.” I pointed to a small shore area just up ahead. “That’ll do just fine.”
Ted pushed on the stick of his plane, and the aircraft buzzed across the water. It finally stopped about twenty feet from the shore, and the pilot looked over at me with a frown.
“I’m afraid that’s as far as this ol’ girl can go,” he said with a sigh. “It’s too shallow for me to get any closer. Do you guys want me to deploy the life raft?”
“That won’t be necessary,” Cupi explained and stood up from her seat. “We can take it from here.”
“Uh, you fellas are aware that it’s in the negatives up here, right?” Mr. Rubble asked with concern.
“Of course we are,” the blonde succubus explained. “Don’t worry about us, we’ve got it all covered.”
“Fine,” he conceded. “Do you want me to just idle here until you get back, or--”
“Just keep her running,” I commanded the pilot as I popped open the side door. “If all goes well, we shouldn’t be gone for long. And if it doesn’t? Well, then you’ll get paid double.”
“You’re not gonna hear any arguments from me!” Ted was nearly giddy at the thought. “Just radio me and let me know when you need to be picked up.”
The three succubi and Todd gathered around me, and I began to think about everything in the world that made me disgusted. For the first time in as long as I could remember, it was actually hard to do.
Things were going great right now. As the manager of the Velvet Lips Gentlemen’s Club, Sia had been making us money left and right. Of course, it was also getting quickly spent thanks to our demon-hunting endeavors and funding issues with our cult, but we’d just added two new members to our band of Merry Men. First, there was Gula, the beautiful redhead who was extremely powerful and could easily be considered a master chef.
Then there was Tristitia, or “Tris” as we called her. She was a tall, slender brunette who was the perfect embodiment of her name. As the Sister of Sloth, Tris had done little more than lie around on the couch watching TV, smoking weed and eating potato chips as she did so. Of course, whenever she was needed, Tris was just as loyal and brave as the rest of her sisters.
Currently, life was good for Jacob Ralston.
I tried to think about anything I possibly could to make myself disgusted or envious. The only thing I could muster was the fact that Azazel was still alive. Sure, he was trapped in Hell, but he was still alive and pulling the strings of his minions here on Earth. Meanwhile, Beelzebub had apparently entered the fray and was now trying to kill my friends and me.
That was definitely enough to make me disgusted.
I felt my body light up with emerald Hellfire, and then I quickly cast it over onto my friends. They lit up with the jade glimmer, and then the five of us were teleported through space and time. Even though I’d done it a million times, the sensation never got old.
I felt the squish of solid ground underneath my feet, followed by a cool breeze against my face. I opened up my eyes to see that the succubi, Todd, and I were all standing on the snowy shore of the lake, exactly where I’d told the pilot to put us down.
“We’re gonna need to do some mind wiping, aren’t we?” Libidine asked and then waved at the Cessna.
“Oh yeah,” I confirmed and waved along with the succubus. “There’s no explaining this one to a mortal.”
“Listen to you,” Ira sounded impressed. “You just called someone a ‘mortal.’ You’ve come so very far, my friend.”
“I won’t make it a habit,” I quipped back with a smile, even though her words made me think.
Ira was right. I had just referred to one of my fellow human beings as a “mortal,” just like how all the demons we’d met referred to me. Even though I was now endowed with near God-like abilities, I couldn’t let myself go on an ego trip. I needed to be careful and not let my growing powers and the attention of these six beautiful women go to my head.
There were still plenty more challenges on the horizon, and there were certainly many more demons to slay before we could completely be free.
“I can’t believe we don’t need coats or anything,” Todd mused as he picked up a handful of snow. “If I were still a human, my nuts would be turning from grapefruits to raisins right now, bro.”
“Aaand that’s another mental image I didn’t need to see,” Cupi gagged.
“Grapefruits?” Ira asked curiously. “I’ve neve
r seen ones like that before. My dom half would absolutely love to put those into a vice!”
“It’s just an expression,” Todd promised. “Not into demon chicks, remember?”
Ira just shrugged. “I’m not into imps,” she added. “No offense. I’d much rather be with Jacob and his massive warhammer.”
“None taken.” Todd giggled and then tossed a snowball at the Sister of Wrath.
Unfortunately, Ira was much too quick for the imp. Before the harmless projectile could even get anywhere near her body, the brunette dissolved it with a small cast of her turquoise Hellfire.
“Careful, my friend,” Ira warned playfully. “Getting into a pissing contest with a dominatrix isn’t a wise move. In fact--”
Before she could finish, another snowball struck her in the back of the head.
“Got you, sister!” Libidine cackled and formed three more balls of snow with her telekinetic fire. The curvy succubus launched another flurry of snowballs at Ira, and Todd flung another chilly sphere of his own.
A sly grin spread up Ira’s face as she cast out a spell of pink Hellfire that engulfed her body. Right as the snowballs smacked into Ira’s glowing figure, Todd and Liby both were knocked back slightly as if they had been struck by an invisible fist as the impact of the snowballs were mirrored by Ira’s spell.
“You asked for it,” the Succubus of Wrath mused and then ducked down to scoop up a ball of snow.
Ira stood up, tossed her hand back, and then released. The second the snowball was in the air, it was incinerated by a small wave of Hellfire.
“I hate to be a spoilsport,” Cupi said as she blew out the remnants of red flame on her hand, “but we really need to focus on the mission at hand here. Maybe we can have an actual snowball war once Shax is out of the picture.”
As Cupiditas was giving her lecture, I reached out and summoned green Hellfire into my hands. I raised up a small pile of the powdery snow, manipulated it into a snowball, and launched it at the blonde from behind.
“It’d be a technicality, of course,” the Sister of Greed continued, “since you all know I’d win. I was one of the Divine’s--”
Cupi’s monologue was cut off mid-sentence by my snowball. The succubus turned around with rage in her eyes, ready to retaliate.
