by Eric Vall
I gave her a coy wave and a smile, and her anger melted away instantly.
“It could do us some good if we’d all lighten up a little.” I chuckled. “I don’t think we’ve had any time to just sit back and relax since--”
“Santa Cruz, bro,” Todd interrupted. “That was like, two episodes of ‘Todd and Friends’ ago. I mean, we’ve had some downtime--”
“Todd and Friends?” Cupi asked as she rolled her eyes
“--but it feels like forever since taking over Azazel’s fan club and the Velvet Lips we’ve been just ‘go-go-go,’” my best friend continued.
“Todd and Friends?” the blonde asked again.
“Sure.” He shrugged. “If we had a TV show, that’s totally what it would be called. Annnyyyywaayyyyyy. As I was saying, the Toddster needs a little bit of time for some R and R from all the work he’s been doing. It’s like I always say: ‘All work and no play makes Todd a dull boy.’”
“You always say that?” I asked.
“Of course!” he laughed. “Jack Nicholson totally stole it from me.”
“You mean Stephen King,” I sighed.
“Same dude,” Todd said as he waved his hand. “We are getting off topic here. After we whack my favorite actor, we need to get some R&R. Ya feel me, babes?”
“Rest and relaxation does sound wonderful.” Liby sighed.
“What are you talking about?” The imp in disguise looked at Libidine curiously. “I’m talkin’ Reefer and Riding!”
“Why would you be riding…?” I asked coyly.
“No homo, bro,” Todd sighed. “Sheesh. I’d be the one getting ridden.”
“Oh,” I snickered, “glad you clarified that.”
“Haha,” the imp in disguise sneered. “Now can we go find Shaq? I may not be freezing my cajones off, but this place isn’t exactly what I’d call a dream vacation. Also, I’d love to get out of this human costume and back into my sexy imp bod, but I can’t do that until we’re out of sight of Teddy over there.”
“Alright,” I addressed my friends. “You heard the Toddster, let’s go find Shax!”
The group was silent for a moment until Liby finally raised her hand.
“Uh, how are we going to do that?” she asked. “His cabin could be anywhere.”
“I’m glad you asked.” I smiled at the succubus, swung the backpack I was wearing off my shoulders, and then stuck my hand inside. I fumbled around for a second or two until my hand touched the familiar leather-bound, crumbling cover of the Lesser Key of Solomon. I pulled the dusty old book out of the backpack and held it over my head triumphantly.
“I’ve been experimenting with this thing over the last few weeks,” I explained as I opened up the text. “Whoever owned this book before us left a fuckton of notes, especially in the parts about the Seventy-Two Servants.”
Todd walked over and looked over my shoulder. “Uh, Jakey?” he pondered. “I don’t see anything. That looks no different from the copy of the book I have back home, just a little bit rattier.”
“That’s where the magic comes in,” I explained.
I summoned emerald Hellfire into both of my hands and then let it spread all across the book. As I did so, the pages began to glow with a swirling vortex of Hellfire. A second later, tendrils from the black hole of magic spread across the text and illuminated it with a glow of green. Now, the text within the enchanted book read completely different than it would to the mortal eye.
“Holy shit, bro!” Todd whistled. “Whoever had this thing before you did must have been a badass sorcerer like you and me.”
“I don’t know about that,” I explained, “but they definitely knew their shit when it comes to demons. Check it out, there are some coordinates right underneath of Shax’s name. I’d bet my life savings that’s where we’re gonna find the fucker.”
“If we don’t find Shax, we’re not going to have anything.” Cupi sighed. “I’m not even sure we’ll be able to pay our pilot.”
“That’s why we’re not leaving until Shax is dead and sent back to Hell where he belongs.” I nodded.
“Yeesh, must be a Celtics fan,” Todd joked and nudged Ira playfully.
The Sister of Wrath was too busy tapping away at the GPS to respond to the imp’s words. There was a shrill beep with the press of each button, and then a long, grating sound that was almost like an old computer booting up.
“Aha!” Ira exclaimed. “The coordinates from the book are only about two miles away from here.”
“Then that’s where we’ll find Shax,” I confirmed. “Ira, lead us to newfound wealth and riches.”
Chapter 2
“Remember how I said it wasn’t that cold out here?” Todd asked through chattering teeth. “I was wrong, bro. Totally fucking wrong.”
Now that we’d walked a few thousand feet away from the lake, we were feeling some of the effects of the cold. The surrounding area was now a wide-open field of snowy, hilly terrain, and the frigid air wasn’t being filtered through the trees.
“You’re the one who didn’t want to wear a coat,” I reminded the imp as we pushed through the howling winds. “Just be glad we all have demonic powers, or else we would have frozen to death a looong time ago.”
“How does that work, anyway?” Todd shivered and rubbed his tiny hands on his shoulders. “Like, do I need to set myself on fire or some shit like that?”
“Of course not,” Libidine explained. “The Hellfire inside your body, the one that powers your abilities, should keep you warm enough to survive. Of course, it never hurts to have backup.”
The curvy succubus motioned to her own body which was covered by a heavy blue winter coat. Liby now had the fur-lined hood pulled up over her head, and she wore a pair of dark brown boots on her feet. The rest of the succubi and I were bundled up just as warmly with matching parkas and snow boots.
Then there was Todd. When he was in his human disguise, he made it look like he was wearing the same toasty outfit as the rest of us. In reality, the imp was as naked as a jaybird, just as he always was.
“I really wish Strawberry Shortcake was here with her healing powers.” Todd sighed. “I’d totally set myself on fire to keep warm, but I’m kinda worried I’m gonna singe off my schlong. Everyone knows that having an overcooked sausage is no bueno.”
“We’re almost there,” Ira said as she glanced down at the GPS. “The cabin should be just on the other side of this tiny mountain here.”
“Hang in there for just a little bit longer, bro,” I reassured the imp. “Before we know it, we’ll be back at our mansion with literal piles of riches at our disposal.”
“Bro,” Todd begged. “This is gonna sound really fucking weird, but can I borrow your glove? I dunno if I’m gonna make it over the mountain without some protection from the wind.”
“Sure thing,” I nodded and pulled off the gloves that covered my hand.
“No, no,” Todd shook his head. “I just need one.”
“Okay…” I confirmed as I handed the imp the glove from my left hand. Instantly, I summoned a small cast of red Hellfire onto my bare skin to protect it from the cold.
Todd grabbed the glove, turned around, and then fumbled around like he was affixing it to his hand. “There,” he mused. “Much better.”
The imp turned around, and I nearly doubled over in laughter. The glove was attached over his crotch.
“What?” he asked as the succubi and I giggled at the sight. “You gotta protect the family jewels.”
“It looks like you have a rooster crown.” I guffawed.
“A cock on my cock, eh?” Todd giggled.
Once we had recomposed ourselves from Todd’s antics, we continued over the snowy hills of the Yukon. The bitter wind nipped at our faces, but it was no match for our inner Hellfire. Rather than causing frostbite and hypothermia, the winter breeze felt no worse than a draft of cold air let in by opening a window.
This was one of those times I was thankful we lived in the Southwest.
The worst thing we had there were forty-degree nights.
“There it is!” Cupi exclaimed as we came to the peak of the hill. “Shax’s hideout.”
Down below, at the foot of the snowy hill, sat a lone, two-story log cabin. The structure wasn’t as tiny as I thought it would be, nor was it as run-down as I had pictured. The siding of the building was a light brown, and the cabin was topped off with a pristine green roof. There was a balcony with a sliding glass door for each level of the cabin, each containing various patio furniture and what even looked like a grill. The building was topped off with a large chimney that billowed dark smoke up into the wintery sky.
“I’m not gonna lie,” I admitted. “When I heard Shax was living out in the middle of nowhere in a log cabin, I figured it was going to be a lot shittier than this.”
“This guy is a multimillionaire,” Cupi explained. “Even if he wants to stay secluded, there’s no reason he can’t do it in style.”
“This would be such an awesome place to throw a party, bro,” Todd pondered aloud.
“It’d be an even better place to come once all of this mess with Azazel is cleared up.” Libidine sighed. “Think about how great it would be to come out here… Just the nine of us, hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. Away from all the vices of modern life, and doing whatever the hell we want.”
“Nine of us?” I asked curiously.
“You, Todd, my six other sisters, and I,” Libidine continued. “Eventually, you’ll be the master of the entire Circle of Sin, Jacob.”
“Remember what I told you about calling me ‘master?’” I reminded the succubus. “Besides, we still have a long way to go before we can even think about rescuing Invidia. Right now, I just want to focus on building up our resources and getting as powerful as I possibly can.”
“You know what that meeeeeaaans,” Ira cooed. “Sister Tris and Sister Gula are going to get some first-hand experience with Jacob Jr. Although, it’s big enough that calling it ‘junior’ is probably the wrong term…”
“One thing at a time,” I tried to dispel the succubus’ words. “I just met them a few weeks ago. I doubt they’re gonna want to get with me so soon.”
“They’re already falling for you, Jacob,” Libidine added. “I’ve seen it in the way they look at you, and the way they act when they are around you.”
“Do you think Sister Gula made home-cooked meals for that fucker Earl every morning?” Cupi chimed in. “Definitely not.”
“And Tris might seem ‘lazy’ on the outside,” Liby continued, “but I can tell she’s trying to help out in any way she possibly can. In time, they will come to love you just as much as we do.”
“I dunno about that,” I mused. I had to stay humble after all, but I wasn’t so dense as to not see the looks our two newest succubi flashed me when they thought I wasn’t looking.
“You made me a believer,” Ira argued, “and you didn’t even have to break out the whips and chains. That’s a true accomplishment!”
“Guys,” Todd interrupted, “I’m glad you all found love and all that shit, but I’m seriously gonna be sick if you don’t dial it down a notch.”
“Fine.” Ira stuck out her tongue at the imp. “I’ll tone it down just for you, Todd.”
“Thanks, Crazy Eyes.” The imp nodded. “I think I’ve just got more butterflies in my stomach than usual. You know, since I’m meeting my childhood idol and all that.”
“For the last time,” I explained, “we’re not here to kill--”
“Shax!” Cupi hissed and motioned to get down.
The five of us instantly fell into a prone position, our bellies pressed tightly against the cold snow.
Down below, I could see a figure moving about on the deck of the cabin. The demon appeared as a huge human, with a bald head and a body that was nearly double as wide as he was tall. Shax was carrying a trash bag in his hands as he made his way toward a small metal barrel in the yard. Once he arrived at the container, he tossed the trash in, summoned red Hellfire into his hand, and then blasted it down into the metal cylinder. Then, the demon wiped his hands, turned around, and made his way back into the cabin.
“Jakey?” Todd whispered from beside me. “I’m starting to think this guy isn’t Shaq after all. I know he’s getting up there in age, but there’s no way he’d let himself go this bad.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” I rolled my eyes and looked over at the succubi. “So, what’s the best way to go about this? Should we pretend to be some sort of government representatives?”
“We’re in Canada,” Ira reminded me. “I don’t know about you, but I know nothing of their government or its ways.”
“Yeah,” Todd added. “It’s kinda scary being in a foreign country. What if we really get lost and none of us know how to ask for directions? I don’t speak Canadian!”
I completely ignored the imp’s words. “What if we pretended to be lost hikers?” I asked my friends.
“That might work if there were one or two of us,” Cupi sighed, “but five? And we’re all wearing brand new clothes. I don’t think he’d buy it.”
“We could just go in guns blazing,” Ira suggested. “Just kick in his door, string him up by his balls, and then beat him like a naughty kitten until he’s raw and tells us where the treasure is.”
“What if Jakey nukes him from orbit with his God Cannon?” Todd threw his opinion into the mix. “That was pretty fucking badass, and it’d save us a ton of work.”
“That’d destroy the treasure along with the demon.” I shook my head. “As much as I want to bust out the God Cannon again, it should be reserved for special situations. Great power and great responsibility, you know?”
“Oh no,” Todd gasped. “Why’d you have to go and say that, Jakey? Now you’re gonna get shot by some burglar and die in my arms while you lecture me about being a hero. Don’t worry, bro. I promise to use my powers for good.”
“Good to hear.” I chuckled and then turned my attention back to the cabin. “What kind of a demon are we dealing with here, Cupi? Tackling him head-on may be our best option.”
“As you can see,” the blonde pointed out, “Shax isn’t exactly agile. However, he’s notorious for having thick skin and powerful environmental magic. Rumor has it, one blow from his infamous ‘ice axe’ is enough to break every bone in your body.”
“So he’s basically a human, er, demon tank,” I pondered. “Do you think our magic is enough to take him down?”
“Surely,” the blonde continued. “We’ve made many connections since we’ve been together, and our powers grow stronger with each one.”
“If fucking makes Jakey powerful, then he should be a god by now,” Todd mused. “You guys make rabbits look like Puritans.”
“Exactly,” Cupi agreed with glee. “Killing Shax with our magic shouldn’t be an issue, but we have to keep him at a distance. If he gets his hands on us, that’s it.”
“Pop goes the demon,” Todd added for dramatic effect. “Got it. I’ll keep the dude at schlong’s length.”
“Great,” I said with a chuckle. “So we’re all in agreement? We get Shax out here in the open, take him out from a distance, and then go steal all his shit?”
I looked around at all my friends, who were nodding in agreement.
“Then all we need to do is get his attention,” I commanded and then pointed at the flaming barrel of trash. “Liby, would you like to do the honors?”
“It’d be my pleasure.” The curvy succubus grinned.
Liby outstretched her hand toward the makeshift fire pit and then surrounded it with emerald flames. The barrel lifted up into the air as if it were suspended on an invisible wire and floated into the brisk Yukon sky. Libidine pulled her arm back like she was an all-star pitcher and then thrust her enchanted hand forward.
The flaming barrel followed her motions and hurled toward the cabin door and then crashed into the front of the building with a loud splintering of wood. As
it struck Shax’s dwelling, pieces of flaming garbage were flung all across his front porch as if it were some sort of trashy party popper.
The demon instantly flung open the door and dashed out onto the deck. He ran around, stomping out the burning pieces of trash in a panic.
Now we had the fucker.
“Let him have it!” I called out to my friends.
I summoned red Hellfire into my hands and unleashed a massive fireball at the asshole. At the same time, a handful of Liby’s enchanted spears zipped past my head, accompanied by Ira’s acid flame and fireballs from Todd and Cupi.
Shax was stomping out the last tiny fire when he looked up and saw the projectiles hurling his way. He tried to duck out of the way of the incoming attacks, but his massive bulk made it impossible. The hailstorm of spells struck him directly in the chest, and the impact flung him back into the outer part of the cabin. The outer side of the wall cracked from the impact of Shax’s bulk, and there was the sound of crinkling glass as the windows of the cabin shattered out of their frames. The demon fell forward on all fours, shook his head, and then stood up and brushed a few of Liby’s spears off his body.
Even though the massive demon had just been lit up like one of Todd’s doobies, our spells hadn’t done jack shit to Shax.
“Who dares disturb the mighty Shax in his own domain?” the demon’s voice bellowed across the frozen tundra. “Whoever you are, you shall pay with your meddling with your lives!”
“Hmmm,” Todd pondered. “He does have the acting range of Shaq…”
“Hit him again!” I commanded.
All five of us unleashed our assault once more. This time, Shax was prepared.
The massive demon summoned silver Hellfire into his hands and then cast it out onto the snowy landscape. Instantly, a small hill rose up from the ground and absorbed the brunt of our attack. The snow-covered mound then shot forward like a wave of earth rolling directly at our position.
“Incoming!” Ira growled.
I tossed up a quick barrier of purple Hellfire, and the hill imploded into a spray of powder when it crashed into the wall. At the same time, I used my green flames to pick up the metal trash barrel that laid on the front deck. Then I jerked my hand inward, and the large projectile hurled at the demon.
