by Eric Vall
“The Pythagorean theorem?” Raph challenged.
“Is that the one who had the weakness in his heel?” Todd answered. “The one who lived in Atlantis?”
“No, that was Plato,” Cupi corrected.
“And Achilles,” Gula added.
“First off, gesundheit.” The imp pointed at Gula. “Secondly, why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me Atlantis was on Pluto? That suddenly explains soooo much.”
There was a moment of silence as we all stared at the imp.
“Yep,” Cupi giggled, “Todd is our weed and demonology expert, through and through.”
“There’s no shame in that,” Sia admitted. “It just means he has his own special role to fill within the group.”
“Awww.” The imp grinned. “Strawberry Shortcake said I’m special.”
“Don’t let it go to your head,” I warned and then looked around once more. “I don’t see Ira, either. Politician stuff?”
“Unfortunately,” Libidine explained. “She had to run off and do some last-minute campaigning. The election is only a few days away, you know.”
“She thinks she’s got it all in the bag,” Gula explained, “but I gave her a little bit of a pep talk. I told her that it won’t be enough to just defeat her opponent. She needs to crush him like the cockroach that he is!”
“Wasn’t she up by ten points in the last poll?” I questioned. “I’d say that’s a pretty good margin.”
“It’s still not enough,” Gula said as she clapped her fist into her open palm.
“Sister Gula is right,” Sia added. “Statistically, ten points is not that large of a lead.”
“Alright, alright.” I put up my hands in defeat. “It’s okay. We’ve still got an Archangel, an imp, and five succubi at my side. That’s more than enough to--”
“Uh….” Tris’ voice interrupted. “Five succubi? I’m so far gone, I don’t think I could stand even if I wanted to. Which I totally, totally do.”
“Okay, fine.” I sighed. “Four succubi. We can still kick this demon’s ass with seven members of the group. Actually, that makes transportation easier anyway. Tris, you can sit this one out.”
“Score!” Tris’ exclaimed. “Er, I mean-- Bummer, dude.”
“Let’s head out,” Raphael interrupted. “Every minute we spend here is another minute Uriel’s life could be in danger.”
“Yeah,” Todd added. “Urinal isn’t going to save himself.”
“The cultist that’s tailing Uriel sent me his GPS location,” I explained and held up my phone for everyone to see. “It updates in real time, so we’ll always know exactly where the cultist is, even if Uriel moves and he has to follow.”
The seven of us headed out to the garage once again and hopped into Shadow. Though our Jeep Wrangler technically had five seats, we were able to squeeze in six people if Todd was in his imp form. Normally, the little guy would sit on the lap of whoever was riding shotgun. This time, when he saw Raph slid into the passenger’s seat, he refused.
“Ohhhh no,” he said with a shake of his head. “I’ll take the back. I don’t even think a ‘no homo’ covers riding on another dude’s lap.”
“Todd,” I sighed. “We’ve got four succubi in the back. Can’t you just--”
“It’s okay, Todd,” Liby chimed in. “You can sit on my lap, and you won’t have to say, ‘no homo.’”
The imp sighed, sauntered over to the back seat of the car, and then hopped up onto Libidine’s lap. Even though it was a tight fit back there, Sia was tiny enough that she was able to squeeze in between her sisters with plenty of room to spare.
We all buckled in, and then I turned the ignition and kicked Shadow into gear. The location of the cultist was illuminated on our dashboard’s GPS screen, and it looked like he was only twenty minutes away, headed toward Papago Park on the outskirts of town. It was now late at night, and the place surely was closed by now.
Then again, I doubt that’d stop an Archangel who was fleeing for his life.
“It looks like our targets have stopped moving,” I explained as I pointed to the screen. “Or at least, they’ve stopped moving fast.”
“That means your cultist is probably on foot right now,” Raphael explained. “He must be getting close to Uriel.”
“I still don’t get why he’s running toward Papago,” I pondered aloud. “Our mansion’s not that far away. Why didn’t he just go there?”
“I don’t know,” Raph said somberly. “He may be injured, or he might still have active pursuers on his tail. When your body is pumping with adrenaline, sometimes you don’t always see the most obvious solution.”
“Or he might be trying to keep whoever’s chasing him away from us,” Cupiditas suggested from the back seat. “Chort told us that a member of the Divine betrayed us, remember? Uriel might be trying to lead one of his fallen brethren in the wrong direction on purpose.”
“Angels don’t fall.” Raphael sighed. “I’m sure the words of Chort, the demon of deception and mischief, were planted in your mind just to sow doubt.”
“I think I’m with Raphey on this one,” Todd added. “That Chort guy was a total tool.”
“You spoke with Chort?” Sia asked curiously. “I haven’t seen him in decades. How has that little devil been?”
“Ugly, rude, and unhelpful,” Todd scoffed. “Just like I assume he always is.”
“Well,” I joked to ease the tension, “we’re going to find out soon enough.”
This really was a strange place for someone to flee. Though the Arizona night was dark and foreboding, this place wasn’t secluded or abandoned in the slightest sense. It was right next to the city zoo, for crying out loud.
I pulled Shadow into a parking space in the desolate lot and cut the engine. The only other vehicle I could see was a small Mitsubishi Mirage, one of those compact cars that looked like it belonged in the circus, not on the highway.
We killed the engine and exited our Jeep. We didn’t get more than twenty feet onto the main pathway before a sharp whistle drew our attention. Just off to the right, on one of the hiking trails, was a man in a navy blue robe. He was short and somewhat stocky, and he was waving his arms around crazily like one of those inflatable tube people at a car dealership. Finally, I gave the man an acknowledging wave, and he stopped flailing. The six of us cautiously approached the man under cover of the night, and he excitedly stuck out his hand to greet us.
“Martin Alden,” he stuttered. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, Jacob. I’ve heard so many stories of the great Jacob Ralston, but to actually be standing in your presence? I’m so humbled, sir.”
“Uh-- It’s okay,” I said awkwardly.
It’d been months since I’d taken over Azazel’s cult, but I still wasn’t one-hundred percent used to being worshiped as a living god on Earth. I honestly didn’t know what to say other than “thank you.”
“Oliver tells us you’ve found Uriel.” Raphael interrupted the awkward silence. “Where is he?”
Martin pointed in the direction of a large boulder off in the distance, less than a mile down one of the hiking trails of the park. “The Archangel went that way,” he explained. “He disappeared over that rock formation thing, and then I heard some sort of horrific sound. It almost sounded like the hissing of a snake.”
“And you didn’t investigate?” Raph growled. “Uriel could be hurt or killed or Lord knows what!”
The man in the navy robe just shrugged. “My job was to track the guy, not rescue him,” Martin argued. “Besides, I didn’t hear any screaming or commotion when that was over, so I figured it was just a coyote or snake or something like that. I was awaiting further orders before I did anything else.”
“Fine.” I sighed. “We’re here now, so you’re relieved of your post. Our team can take it from here.”
“Are you going to fight whatever’s over that hill?” the cultist asked eagerly. “I would love to see the Jacob Ralston in action!”
“We can take
it from here,” I reiterated. “I don’t know what’s on the other side of that hill, but I can assure you it’s going to be dangerous.”
“Of course,” Martin agreed, “but they will be no match for Jacob and his mighty band of succubi and his imp.”
“You’ve done enough, Martin,” I reassured the cultist. “Go home and get some rest.”
There was another awkward silence as we all hoped the guy would take the hint, but he still just stood there like a shell-shocked fanboy.
“I promise I won’t get in the way,” he started, “I’m actually pretty good with--”
“Bro,” Todd interrupted with a loud sigh, “Jakey’s telling you to go home.”
The man looked at Todd curiously, but he didn’t seem to follow.
“Amscray,” the imp continued. “Vamoose. Go on and git. Hit the ol’ dusty trail.”
“You want me to leave?” Martin asked, his voice full of confusion. “Why didn’t you just say so? I’ll be on my way, then. Good luck, master.”
“Don’t call me master,” I muttered, but the cultist was already on his way back to his clown car.
Martin hopped in, turned on the engine, and then slunk away into the desert night. Finally, my friends and I were alone.
“What do you think’s on the other side of that hill?” Libidine asked fearfully. “The demon that captured Uriel?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted, “but we have enough firepower to take down a small army. Whatever or whoever it is, we’re going to go kick its ass and save the Archangel.”
“Urinal’s gonna owe us sooooo much,” Todd said giddily. “I’m totally gonna ask if he can buy us a seventy-inch TV as repayment.”
“That seems like a low figure if we truly do destroy a beast capable of bringing down an Archangel,” Sia scoffed.
“I think his help in the fight against Azazel’s forces is more than enough repayment,” Cupiditas pointed out. “Now, let’s go see what trouble our friend has gotten himself into.”
As she spoke, the fit blonde reached behind her back and pulled out the polearm she’d swiped from the cult headquarters. It was only about two feet in length collapsed so that it’d fit on the succubus’ person, but then Cupi twirled the weapon, pressed a button, and the weapon snapped out and tripled in size.
Meanwhile, Gula and Liby were also preparing for the battle that lay ahead. The redheaded succubus outstretched her hands, summoned red Hellfire, and then spread them outward. As she did so, her massive, glowing red battle-axe appeared in her grasp. Gula smiled wide as she rested the enchanted weapon over her shoulder.
Libidine was much more subtle in her preparations. The curvy, dark-haired succubus summoned yellow Hellfire of hatred into her right hand and red Hellfire of passion into her left. At the same time, a flash of purple shot out of her back to herald the appearance of her bat-like wings.
“I must be ready, just in case you need me for crowd control,” she explained.
“I really fucking hope we’re not dealing with a crowd.” I let out a sigh, drew my goat-headed dagger, and then pulled out the pair of high-tech goggles from my duffel bag.
“Nobody told me we were playing superspy,” Todd protested. “I thought we were gonna go in there all guns blazing?”
“That would be very unwise, Todd,” Sia spoke up. “As Sun Tzu would say, ‘the supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.’”
“Pffft,” Todd said with a wave of his hand. “This Sun Tzu guy sounds like a pussy. It’s not like he wrote the book on warfare or anything like that.”
“Actually, he did,” Sia corrected, but the imp was already ignoring her and jab-punching his fists into the blank space in front of him.
I placed the elastic band of the goggles against the back of my head and then pulled the lenses down into place. “It all depends on what we’re dealing with, and the only way we’re gonna find out without going in blind is with these bad boys. Raph claims these goggles can detect metaphysical energy from nearly a mile away. If Uriel or any demon asshole is anywhere near us, we’ll be able to find them.”
Right now, I don’t even think I could find a circus clown if they were standing a foot in front of me. Everything was pitch black in these goggles, and I worried that I was going to trip and fall if I didn’t get my bearing soon. I reached up and fumbled around as I looked for any sort of switch or button that would help me out.
“Here,” Raphael offered. “Let me get that for you.”
I felt the Archangel’s finger press against the top of the goggles’ front, and then there was a quick computerized beep. Instantly, the lenses sprung to life, and I was met with the image of the desert, illuminated by a sickly green. I turned my head slightly to the left, and the glowing figures of Todd, Cupi, Liby, and Gula appeared. The outlines of my friends were similar to what you’d see if you were looking at them with infrared goggles, but they were all one unified, glowing color. Their metaphysical energy radiated off their bodies like sparks from a flame, and at this moment, I realized just how powerful the succubi had gotten since we had first met.
“I must admit, Raph,” I chuckled, “these are pretty badass.”
“What do you see?” he asked.
I figured he didn’t want me saying ‘my women looking super hot and powerful,’ so I turned around slowly toward the direction Martin had pointed us in, and my heart fell into the pit of my stomach. Off in the distance, just beyond the large boulder, was a small army of tiny figures.
“Holy shit,” I gasped.
“What is it?” the Archangel demanded. “Is it Uriel?”
“Much, much worse.” I sighed. “It’s a bunch of Daeva.”
“Daeva?” Raphael muttered, unconvinced. “Are you sure? The Daeva are powerful adversaries, but they don’t have the capacity to take down an Archangel.”
“Please,” Cupi scoffed quietly, but just loud enough so that Raph could hear her.
“I’m glad you can joke, Cupiditas,” Raph snarked back. “My friend is in mortal danger here. I don’t understand how--”
“Wait.” I cut off the dark-haired man. “I think I see our Archangel.”
At the back of the crowd of tiny glowing figures now stood the outline of a tall, winged man. The second he appeared in my view, the night air rang out with a sound of excited hissing, and the tiny bodies jumped up and down. They parted like the Red Sea, and then the tall figure slowly made its way through the crowd. He ascended what looked like a small hill, stopping only when he got to a large hole in the boulder on top. The figure turned around, raised both hands into the air, and the crowd went silent.
“What’s going on, Jacob?” Liby asked. “I can see the shape of somebody up there on the hill.”
“It has wings,” Gula hissed. “Is it Beelzebub?”
“No,” Cupi gasped. “They’re much too feathery to be demon wings. I think that’s--”
“Uriel!” Raphael exclaimed. “What is he doing up there? Why isn’t he attacking the rejected gods?”
“I don’t like the looks of this, Jakey,” Todd spoke up. “My Toddster sense is tingling like crazy, and I’m ninety percent sure it’s not just gas this time.”
“My friends!” Uriel’s voice rang out across the park. “I’m so glad to see you’ve come.”
“See?” Raphael laughed. “He’s happy to see us!”
“I don’t think he’s talking to us,” Sia uttered with shock in her voice.
My heart sank into my chest when I realized what the succubus meant. Uriel’s back was completely turned, and he had no idea we were even here. He was talking to the Daeva.
“I’m sure you’re all wondering why I called you here,” the Archangel continued. “Well, my friends, it is because the final stage of the plan is coming together.”
My head began to spin once I realized what was going on. The assassins… Uriel’s disappearance… the Daeva… He’d set it all up.
“Soon, my friends,” Uriel’s voice echoed, “we will
be rid of Jacob Ralston and his pesky succubi.”
Chapter 13
“What?” Raphael said in shock. “It--It can’t be. This must be a mistake. That has to be some sort of devilish trick from Lucifer! My brother Uriel would never betray us.”
My head was now spinning out of control, and my body threatened to give out beneath me. Our friend and ally, a freaking Archangel of the highest order, wanted me dead.
“I’m afraid that may be the case,” Libidine balked. “It all makes sense now.”
“What do you mean it makes sense?” Raphael argued. “None of this makes sense. Uriel is one of the Divine’s finest soldiers and commanders. What reason would he possibly have for associating himself with those abominations and calling for the death of a--”
“You know,” Todd interrupted, “if you’d just stop arguing for a minute and let the guy monologue, he’ll probably tell you everything you need to know, bro.”
Raph got quiet and then turned back to look at his friend on the hill. Meanwhile, I had to sit down on a nearby boulder to keep my body from completely failing me.
“The ‘Rejected Gods,’” Uriel mused. “That’s what they call you. That’s what the Divine and the Demonic claim that you are, horrific beasts that don’t belong in Heaven nor Hell, damned to an eternity here on Earth Realm. Well, my friends, I’m proud to tell you that your time has finally come.”
Cheers erupted from the Daeva, but then they were cut short when Uriel raised his hand once more.
“For the longest time, millennia actually, I bought into the ideologies of my people,” the Archangel continued. “I bought into all the bullshit and the propaganda. I really thought that destroying Lucifer and bringing about the apocalypse was the ultimate end goal. I believed that I was fighting for the side of righteousness, for the side that was going to bring peace and prosperity to the universe, and that would ultimately save all the Exalted One’s creation. Then I met him.”
This time, the crowd of tiny demons hissed and snarled.
“Many of your brethren have fallen to this mortal,” Uriel continued after a few moments. “A freak of nature who is endowed with all the powers of Heaven and Hell, and who grows stronger by the minute. You see, my friends, when I met Jacob Ralston, I instantly knew that all the propaganda I’d been fed through the years was false. Look at what Ralston has done in the last year. He shows up, takes a few succubi for himself, and then suddenly the entire balance of the universe is thrown off.”
