by Eric Vall
“Ew,” Todd whistled. “Half ant, half lion creatures are no bueno.”
“Indeed,” Raphael confirmed. “Anyway, we had just finished decimating the forces of the Demonic, and then we headed back to our quarters in Heaven. Somewhere along the way, Uriel decided that he wanted to make another stop on Earth, and we parted company. That was the last time I saw him.”
“And he said nothing about where he was going or what he was doing?” I pressed further. “Nothing at all? He just went back to Earth and disappeared, just like that?”
“Jacob,” Raphael said with a raised eyebrow, “I’m sensing that you’re somewhat sensitive about this whole issue. What’s going on?”
“I just want to make sure we’ve got all our facts straight.” I sighed. “We’ve learned some very disturbing news in the last few hours.”
“Oh?” the Archangel asked cautiously. “Do tell. Did Aruna deliver on her job? I heard about the incident at the museum. It was all over the news. They tried to play it off as a ‘boiler explosion’ though.”
“Not from Aruna,” I explained. “This info came from Chort.”
“The demon of mischief and chaos?” The dark-haired man chuckled. “I hope you took whatever information he gave you with a heaping spoonful of salt. That demon will make up anything to sew chaos in the realms.”
“Funny that you discredit him before you even hear what he had to say,” I growled.
The Archangel crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head to the side. “I’m sorry,” he questioned. “Did I do something to offend you, Jacob?”
“If what Chort said is true,” Libidine interrupted, “then you might have.”
“What did the lying demon say?” Raph now demanded. “What falsehoods did he fill your heads with about our situation?”
“He said that all of these assassins have been hired by a member of the Divine,” I finally admitted. “Somebody up in Heaven betrayed us, and I’ll give you one guess as to who our prime suspects are.”
Raphael looked shell shocked. His eyes were nearly as wide as saucers, and his mouth hung agape as his brow furrowed. Then, the Archangel doubled over and let out a booming laugh.
“A member of the Divine, hiring demonic assassins?” he bellowed. “I’ve heard some real side-splitters from Chort, but that’s a new one. Please tell me you didn’t take his words seriously.”
I tightened my fist. “We did, Raphael. We made him fear for his life, so he had no reason to lie.”
The Archangel’s laughs instantly stopped. He stood back into an upright position and then began to look around the room.
“Wait,” he gasped, “is that what all of you are here for? Did you think I-- I can’t believe you’d think I’d do such a thing! I’m no Benedict Arnold!”
“What does the dude from Sherlock have to do with anything?” Todd asked angrily. “Did you sell us out or what, bro?”
“Of course not!” Raph’s voice was now booming and vengeful. “How dare you, Jacob? How dare you slander the name of an Archangel, all because you believe the blithering lies of a demon?”
“Who else could it be?” I demanded. “It has to be one of you two, and you seem pretty adamant that Uriel is dead!”
“And you of all people should know by now that angels don’t fall,” Raphael growled. “Our spirits are pure, shaped in the image of the Exalted One himself.”
“Uh, hello?” Cupiditas interrupted. “You’re literally standing in the room with a fallen angel here.”
“Nonsense,” Raph scoffed. “You may have left the Divine, but you are not a ‘fallen angel’ in the sense Jacob is talking about. A member of the Divine, an Archangel, turning to the side of the Demonic and stooping so low as to hire assassins? That’s… That’s verging on blasphemy!”
“I saw the fear in Chort’s eyes, Raphael,” I continued. “He wasn’t lying. Honestly, I don’t know who to trust anymore. You’re not telling us something about Uriel, aren’t you?”
“So now I’m a liar?” the Archangel spat. “First, you accuse me of falling to the side of Lucifer, and then you insinuate that I killed one of my closest allies, and then you say I’m a liar?”
“Uh, one of those things is not like the others,” Todd observed.
“You’ve been a great ally to us, Raphael,” I argued, “but we can’t trust anyone nowadays. If you want to be one of the few people that I do trust, you need to come clean about Uriel right now.”
Raphael let out a huff and gritted his teeth. “Fine,” he finally conceded. “I have not been fully truthful with you all. I did make up my story about the last time I saw Uriel.”
“Why?” I demanded. “Why would you lie to our faces?”
“Because I was covering for him, okay?” Raph sighed. “Uriel has been sneaking down to Earth to have relations with a mortal woman. I’ve known about it for years, but I refused to tell anyone. The last time I saw my brother, he was headed back down to Earth to visit this woman. I fear that she may have had something to do with his disappearance.”
“What?” I asked. “You think she may have been working with the forces of the Demonic?”
Raphael sat down in one of our chairs and hung his head. “I don’t know,” he sighed, “but I think whatever happened to Uriel is my fault. I was covering for him when I knew I shouldn’t be. I was letting him visit this mortal woman even though it was forbidden by all the laws of both of our races.”
Todd walked over and patted the Archangel on the shoulder. “It’s okay, bro,” he tried to comfort Raph. “When you find that person that makes your heart beat to the tune of Barry Gibbs, it’s hard to stay away. He was gonna do it with or without your permission, Raphey Boy.”
Seeing the Archangel in this near-depressive state definitely sucked the tension out of the room, and I was relieved myself as it became clear to me that Raph wasn’t our guy.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Libidine added. “Uriel made the decision to break the rules, and he knew exactly what he was getting into.”
“He was a big boy,” Cupi nearly mocked. “There’s no point in feeling sorry for yourself, although it does kind of put a smile on my face.”
“Cupiditas!” Sia hissed. “That’s no way to talk to our ally. I trained you better than that.”
“Uh-oh!” Tris giggled and nudged Gula. “Cupi’s getting the ol’ tongue lashing from Superbia.”
“Some things never change.” Gula snickered back.
I walked over and sat down on the couch opposite of Raphael. “You said it yourself, Raph,” I explained. “None of us know what happened to Uriel. For all we know, he could be out in the middle of the desert with no cell phone service. So far, we’ve got no indication that he’s dead.”
“I suppose you’re right,” the Archangel admitted, “but even if he’s still alive, he must be in mortal danger. Whoever has been sending these assassins after you surely has he and I on their hit list as well.”
“That’s why we need to find this mole before they can do any more damage.” I nodded. “Do you know of any members of the Divine who could be dabbling in the Demonic? Anyone who might be holding a vendetta against my friends or me?”
“No.” Raph shook his head. “Angels don’t fall or dabble in the Demonic.”
“Again,” Cupi sighed, “I’m right here.”
“And again,” Raphael protested, “not the same thing.”
Suddenly, there were a series of vibrations in my pocket. I fumbled around in my pants, pulled out my ringing cell phone, and looked at the caller ID.
It was Oliver.
“Hello?” I greeted the cultist as I raised the device to my ear. “Talk to me, Oliver.”
“Jacob, I’ve got some big news for you,” Oliver sounded absolutely giddy. “It’s Uriel.”
“Uriel?” I asked excitedly, and the Archangel on the couch perked up when he heard my words. “Did you find him?”
“Yes!” the white-haired cultist exclaimed. “One of our members in
the northwestern sect found him. He wasn’t able to make contact, but he’s following the Archangel as we speak.”
“Tell them to send me the coordinates when he stops moving,” I demanded. “We need to get to him before anyone else can.”
“Right away, Jacob,” Oliver confirmed, and then the line went silent.
“They found him!” I grinned at my friends. “Uriel is alive and well.”
Raphael nearly leapt out of his seat with excitement. The Archangel clapped his hands together, smiled, and then addressed the room. “Well then, what are we waiting for?” he asked rhetorically.
“Let’s go save an Archangel.”
Chapter 12
“What could Uriel possibly be doing all alone out in the desert?” I pondered aloud to my friends.
“Maybe he was lucky enough to escape his captors?” Raphael suggested as he checked the hammer of one of his jet black pistols. “Lord knows what kind of things they did to him while he was their prisoner.”
The Archangel, Todd, and I were all in the garage of our mansion, going through our various pieces of weaponry and tech. If we were looking to face a demon strong enough to capture an Archangel, we were going to need all the help we could get.
“Something just isn’t adding up, though,” I questioned as I grabbed a handful of small black demon traps. “If Uriel really did escape his captors, why hasn’t he tried to make contact yet?”
Raph shrugged. “They probably took away his phone,” he explained. “It’s a shame, too. He had a Blackberry and everything.”
“Then why didn’t he just try to teleport back to Heaven?” I continued. “Isn’t that a thing you guys can do?”
“Have you learned nothing, Jakey-san?” Todd asked accusingly. “They got a bunch of ugly-ass demon assassins working for them. Ectoplasm’s not just for ghosts, bro.”
“Todd’s right.” Raph nodded. “Ectoplasmic magic comes from the pure spirit of a being and can cancel out even the strongest Hellfire or Divine spell. They probably had him in a trap like the one our spider-friend used on us.”
Todd shuddered at the mention of the spider-assassin. “... And my night terrors are back,” he sighed. “Holy fuck! What’s this thing?”
The imp reached down into a large munitions box, fumbled around for a minute, and then grunted as he lifted up a massive minigun. Despite its name suggesting otherwise, this thing was huge. The gun was nearly twice the size of Todd’s body, and he struggled to keep his balance as he steadied it in his hands.
“I thought you’d like that.” Raphael chuckled. “That’s our newest model, and it fires six-thousand rounds per minute. I brought it down from the armory back in Heaven so that we could mount it to Jacob’s car.”
“Awww,” Todd said with a frown. “So I don’t get to go all Rambo on these bitches?”
“It’s much too heavy for that,” the Archangel noted and took the gun from the imp’s hand. Raphael sat the minigun back down in the box, and then he began to sift through the container full of guns, ammo, and explosives. Finally, he pulled out a small belt with several tiny circles attached.
“This seems to be much more your style.” The dark-haired man grinned. “Believe it or not, these little orbs are Divine impact grenades.”
“Ohhhh,” Todd murmured, “I’ve seen those before. You pull the pin and count to three, right? ‘Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two--’”
“I don’t think they’re that kind of grenade, Todd,” I said with a chuckle. “They’re impacts. They only explode when they hit their target really, really hard.”
“Exactly!” Raph exclaimed. “And that’s why I’m giving them to Todd. Normally, they’d need to be launched out of a grenade launcher, but I’ve seen the arm on this imp. He could play for the Diamondbacks if he wanted!”
Todd weighed the small grenade in his hand and looked up at the Archangel curiously. “Why would I want to play for a poisonous snake, bro?”
“I was referring to the baseball team,” Raph explained. “You know, the one that plays here in Arizona?”
“Bro,” Todd said as he shook his head, “do I look like the kinda guy who’s into sports? Especially baseball. I’d rather watch paint dry.”
Raphael put his hand over his heart, and his eyes got wide. “You don’t like baseball?” he gasped. “That’s one of my favorite pastimes!”
“Oh yeah.” Todd nodded as he slung the belt over his torso. “I guess I should have known. They did make a movie about it after all.”
I shook my head in amusement as I tossed a few more traps into my bag, strapped my dagger to my belt, and then lugged my duffel bag over my shoulder.
“That should do it,” I explained. “I think we’ve got every piece of artillery we could possibly think of. This asshole isn’t going to know what hit him.”
“What about the succubi?” Raphael asked as he slipped a bowie knife into one of the belts on his body armor.
“I think they’ve been ready to go for a while now.” I laughed. “Cupi claimed that all they needed was ‘their hand-to-hand weapons,’ and nothing more. But the joke’s on them… We’ve got some heavy artillery ready to go.”
We really did. Raph’s little side-trek to raid the armory of Heaven brought us a fuckton of cool new gadgets and weapons. The Archangel himself had all sorts of pistols, knives, and grenades tucked away in the pockets and belt of his white SWAT uniform, and he had the Divine’s equivalent of a FAMAS slung over his back.
Todd and I went a little bit lighter, but we still grabbed as much as we could. On top of the impact grenades he’d been given by Raph, the imp had snagged a tiny 9mm Beretta pistol he found in the box. Although we both insisted that a gun and grenades would be enough, the Toddster insisted that he bring along his pair of nunchucks that he’d bought off the internet.
Unlike my two friends, I was somewhat skimpy on the weapon side of things. My magic already made me a heavy hitter in the firepower department, so I opted to grab gear that was mostly tactical. My new duffel bag was littered with portable Keys of Solomon alongside a tiny trap that launched an enchanted Kevlar cord around its target. Todd so helpfully reminded me that it would be rendered useless if a demon had a laser sword, but I didn’t think that was going to be the case. Completing my arsenal was a hatchet multi-tool and a pair of goggles that Raph claimed could spot paranormal energy from nearly a mile away.
We were ready to kick some ass and take some names.
“Hold up, bro,” Todd beckoned as I turned to walk back into the house. “I’m still missing one teeny-tiny little thing.”
The imp looked around frantically and then dashed over to the old workbench that’d been installed in our renovation of the Quinn Mansion. He fumbled through the drawers until he found an old, grease-covered rag. Todd shrugged, folded it up into a tiny band, and then tied it against his forehead.
“There we go,” he mused as he finished his knot. “Now all I need to do is practice my slack-lipped drawl.”
“That won’t be necessary.” Raphael sighed and put his hand over his face.
Todd turned around and let his face go slack. “Yo, Jakey,” he said in his best Stallone voice, “you ready to go get our angel back?”
Even though I could tell Raph was annoyed, I thought it was funny as hell.
Finally, the three of us made our way back into the main portion of the mansion where we found Cupi, Liby, and Gula all standing around impatiently. Cupiditas leaned her fit figure up against her polearm and looked at us with an impressed gleam in her eye.
“Took you long enough,” she joked. “And they said us women take forever to get ready.”
“Yo, blondie,” Todd-Stallone scoffed, “there ain’t no better art form than the art of war.”
Libidine’s eyes widened with fear, and she ran over and put her arm around Todd. “Did-- Did Todd have a stroke or something?” she gasped.
The imp looked at her in disbelief and then patted her gently on the shoulder
with a smile. “Nah, Lib,” he explained. “I’m just impersonating one of Earth Realm’s greatest warriors, that’s all.”
“Oh thank goodness!” The succubus sighed with relief. “I was afraid we’d have to get Superbia in here.”
“I’m already here,” the succubus madame protested as she walked into the room. “You think I’d sit back and let you go on this mission without me? Nonsense.”
“What about Ira and Tris?” I asked curiously as the brunette and the second redhead were nowhere to be found.
“I’m right here, man!” A puff of smoke rose from the other side of the couch as Tris’ voice answered. “I’ve been here the whole time, just trying out a few more of these strains. I think we’ve got it narrowed down to about ten or twelve that we can sell.”
Todd clapped his hands together with a serious look on his face. “Nonsense!” he growled. “Everybody knows that if you want to hang with the big boys in the weed industry, you have to get your number down below ten varieties!”
“I dunno, Todd,” Tris’ voice argued. “I’m all for, like, free choice and all that. Give the customer a million options, and they’ll always be happy.”
Todd put his hand over his face and let out an overdramatic sigh. “But if you give them too many options, they’ll feel overwhelmed, and you’re gonna have fewer people smoking the same thing,” he muttered. “How do you build a brand like that?”
“Alright, Mr. Boss Man, sir.” Tris’ hand peeked out over the edge of the couch and waved. “I’ll get it down to ten.”
“Thank you, Slothy.” Todd chuckled and then turned to me and whispered. “I’m really gonna have to give her a lesson in economics when we get back.”
“Quite impressive, Todd,” Sia uttered with a nod.
“Where was all this knowledge when you were in school?” I asked, mouth agape. “Maybe we could have had a nicer apartment if we’d put it to good use.”
“It’s always been there, bro,” he said matter-of-factly. “At least when it comes to the Devil’s Lettuce. Now, if you asked me about literally anything else, that’s probably a no bueno.”
