by Eric Vall
Libidine stepped forward, and the two locked into a warm embrace.
“It’s so good to see you again,” the succubus mused. “Jacob, Todd, this is Chort. He and I go way back to the Medieval period.”
“Nice to meet you, friend-o.” Chort let go of Liby and stuck out his hand.
His hand was ridiculously clammy, but I gave it a good shake anyway.
Chort patted Todd on the head and then knelt down so that he was at eye level. “It’s good to finally meet you too, Mr. Masterson.” He stuck out his hand for the imp to shake, but Todd refused at first.
“Never meet your heroes, bro,” Todd scoffed and then gave Chort a limp fish handshake.
“So, Chort,” I began, “Cupi and Liby have told me a little bit about you, how you’re the ‘chaotic neutral’ and all that. Why do you want to help us? And why did you force us to come all the way out here?”
Chort snickered and put his clammy hand on my shoulder. “I’m gonna be real honest with you, compadre,” he admitted. “I wanted you to come out here because I couldn’t afford gas to get to you. Do you know how much a demon of mischief makes nowadays? Not much. ‘The Man’ keeps holding us down.”
“Why didn’t you just call us, bro?” Todd asked in a somewhat mocking tone. “Did ‘The Man’ keep you from doing that, too?”
“I don’t believe in cellular devices,” Chort explained. “You think I want the Government knowing my exact location at all times and listening in on all my sensitive information? No way, dudes and dudettes.”
Ira’s elbow nudged into my side. “It’s like looking into a funhouse mirror.” She giggled and pointed between Todd and Chort.
“Well, I’m glad you’re willing to help out,” I interrupted the demon. “So please, tell us what you know.”
“Hold on there just uno momento,” Chort implored. “Please understand that I’m not ‘helping out’ because I want to betray my demonic heritage or anything like that.”
“Then why are you helping?” Ira asked cautiously.
Chort’s face grew into a devilish grin. “Because, like Todd said,” he explained, “I’m in it for the pure chaos.”
“Aha!” Todd pointed his tiny finger at the demon accusingly. “So you are a troll!”
“Not a troll, an anarchist,” the demon corrected. “I’ve always hated following the ‘Great Chain of Being’ and all of these fucking stupid laws that Heaven and Hell have enacted through the centuries. I’m only doing this because the truth bomb I’m about to tell you is gonna blow your minds better than an Amsterdam prostitute and send shockwaves throughout the metaphysical world.”
“So profane,” Todd scoffed under his breath.
“Then tell us,” I demanded. “What do you know that’s such an important piece of information?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Chort said through a shit-eating grin. “Let’s talk about payment first.”
“Payment?” I growled. “I thought you were just doing this for the hell of it?”
“I am,” he admitted, “but do you really think I’m going to give away my intel for peanuts? I know you guys have a lot of money and influence around the U.S. Isn’t that right, ‘Maggie?’”
“Don’t be an asshole, Chort,” Ira warned.
“Maybe to balance out the odds, I should tell the world that their beloved frontrunner for representing Arizona’s seventh is really a dominatrix sex demon,” he pondered aloud. “That would be fun…”
“So this is turning into blackmail now?” Ira growled.
“Chort!” Libidine chimed in. “I thought we were supposed to be friends?”
“We still are, Lib,” he admitted, “but I still gotta look out for numero uno.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Ira argued. “Nobody would ever believe you, anyway.”
“They would after they see the pictures that ‘Marvin’ gave me a few weeks before he died…” Chort giggled.
The color drained from Ira’s face, and I felt a deep rage boil up from my very core. I’d had just about enough of this guy’s games. I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, blasted the demon, and lifted him up into the air. Then I made a clockwise movement with my hands, and Chort’s body flipped upside down.
The lower part of the fucker’s robe fell down over his eyes comically and revealed that he was wearing nothing underneath but a pair of pink polka-dotted boxers on his waist. The half-naked demon flailed helplessly in the air and let out a muffled scream behind the fabric that was now covering his face.
“How about this, Chort?” I growled. “You tell us what you know, and I won’t rip you limb from limb.”
“I-- Are you who I think you are?” Chort squealed.
“I’m Jacob Ralston,” I confirmed. “The mortal who defeated Azazel and stole his succubi. The demon slayer who’s all but eradicated the Seventy-Two Servants and their minions. The only person in this universe to defeat Aruna, the deadly Rakshasi assassin. Is that who you think I am?”
“More or less,” Chort answered with a gulp. “I’m sorry. I-- I’d heard the rumors, but I thought people were just fucking with me.”
“Well, now you know they aren’t,” I said with steel in my voice. “Are you going to tell us what we need to know?”
“Yes!” Chort begged. “Yes, I’ll tell you, free of charge.”
“And you’ll hand over those incriminating photos of Ira?” I continued.
“They’re in the pocket of my robe, compadre,” he admitted. “I’ll tear them up the second I’m back on solid ground. Now, can you please put me back on my feet? I get really bad cases of vertigo.”
I rotated my glowing emerald hands once more, and Chort’s body followed suit. Once the demon was back in the upright position, I released my spell, and he fell onto the ground.
“There’s a lot more where that came from,” I promised. “Start talking.”
“Damn, dude,” Chort mused as he pulled himself to his feet. “You’re a lot more hardcore than I’d heard. A regular ol’ Sly Stallone.”
“How dare you insult Jakey like that?” Todd hissed. “Everybody knows Arnold is the superior macho action hero! I’m gonna put this guy in his place, bro.”
Todd pretended to roll up his sleeves and then marched toward Chort. Thankfully, Cupi dashed over and picked up the over-enthusiastic imp in her arms before he could reach his target.
Chort brushed the dirt off himself, reached into his pocket, produced a couple of photos, and then tore them up into tiny little shreds. The demon dropped the remains of the pictures onto the floor and kicked them away with his foot.
“You want to know my little secret about the Daeva, friend-o?” Chort sighed. “Fine. But you’d better be sitting down for this one.”
“I’m comfortable right where I am, thank you,” I growled. “Why are the Daeva allying themselves with the Demonic?”
“They’re not,” Chort admitted. “Right now, those little black-and-red fuckers are planning something huge. Something that goes waaay beyond the confines of ‘Demonic’ and ‘Divine.’”
“The Daeva?” Cupi scoffed. “Master planners? Those creatures couldn’t even plan out a three-course meal if they were handed a children’s menu.”
“It’s not their design, my beautiful blonde,” Chort continued. “They have a new master, the same one who is sending all of these assassins your way.”
“Who is it?” I demanded. “Is it one of my cultists? Did Beelzebub or Azazel figure out how to infiltrate my own people and turn them against me?”
“I’m afraid not.” Chort sighed.
“Then who?” I growled and summoned red Hellfire into my hands. “I want to know who’s behind all of this bullshit.”
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you, Mr. Ralston,” Chort continued. “I don’t have an exact name, but my sources tell me that the man who now controls the Daeva is on the side of the Exalted One.”
My head began to spin at the demon’s words, and I nearly fell over
.
“Wha-- What are you saying?” I asked once more.
Chort frowned. “You were betrayed by a member of the Divine, compadre.”
Chapter 11
“Can you believe that Chort guy?” Todd grumbled as we sped through the desert. “What a fucking tool, right?”
After the demon of mischief had given us the information we needed, I released him from my spell. Chort promised to stay out of our hair from now on, but he also gave us one of his business cards just in case we ever needed an informant on the inside.
We took his card, thanked him, and then the five of us got the fuck out of there as quickly as possible.
“He gave us the information we needed,” Ira argued. “Even if we did have to knock it out of him the fun way.”
“Yeah,” Todd agreed. “After he exhorted us. Also, what was with the way he talked? What kind of fucking idiot uses the same catchphrase after every sentence, bro?”
“I dunno, Todd,” Cupi said coyly. “It would get pretty annoying after a while.”
“No doubt, dudette,” the imp continued. “No doubt. Then there was the fact that he made everything into a joke. That was a life or death situation, and he’s cracking jokes? Totally unrealistic.”
“I dunno,” Libidine interrupted. “He very much reminded me of somebody else I know.”
“Sia?” Todd asked. “I just don’t see the resemble--”
“No,” Liby sighed. “You know, uhhh, somebody who’s also hilarious, mischievous, and fun-loving.”
“Ira?” Todd asked as he looked at the brunette succubus. “No offense, but her sense of humor is kind of dark, and--”
“No,” Ira sighed as she covered her face with her hands. “Liby is talking about someone else.”
“Okay,” Todd groaned as he rolled his eyes. “I mean, Cupi is super fun, but I think her joke timing is--”
“No,” the blonde groaned. “How are you so dense?”
“I’m just saying that this Chort guy is really annoying, and not funny at all,” Todd scoffed. “It’s like he didn’t even know he was actually the butt of all our jokes, and not really the one telling the jokes. It’s a total lack of introspection. Know what I mean?”
“No,” Ira said flatly. “We have no idea what you are talking about, Todd.”
“See?” he sighed. “I love you girls, but you just aren’t the comic genius that I am. That’s okay. Stick with me. I know funny, and I’ll let you all know when we encounter someone who is my equal in comic genius and delivery. What do you think, Jakey?”
“I, uh-- I’m just glad he cooperated in the end,” I stuttered. “He seemed like one of the few demons in this universe that I could actually tolerate. It would have been a shame if we’d had to take him out too.”
I tried to remain my normal optimistic self, but Chort’s revelation was eating away at my soul. We had been betrayed by a member of the Divine, somebody who knew our local hangouts and all of our contacts. That narrowed it down to one of two people.
Raphael or Uriel.
“Are you alright, Jacob?” Cupi asked with concern in her voice. “You’re not as talkative as normal.”
“I’m just thinking about what Chort told us,” I sighed. “You know what that means, right? Raphael or one of his friends might be playing double agent.”
“Raphey totally wouldn’t do that, bro,” Todd argued. “He’s my bestie. Right after you and the rest of the girls, of course.”
“I don’t know, Todd,” I admitted. “Whoever’s hiring these assassins is somebody that’s ‘near and dear’ to us and a member of the Divine? It’s either Raph or Uriel, and it sounds like Uriel might be six feet under right now.”
“Is it really six feet under if an Archangel dies?” Todd pondered aloud. “Wouldn’t it be ‘six feet above?’”
“What could Raphael possibly gain from betraying us?” Ira asked. “He was allied with you guys way before I was even part of the equation.”
“I’m with Ira,” Cupi added. “Raphael is one of the most pompous, goody-two-shoes I’ve ever met. The chances of him being a turncoat are next to nothing.”
“Still,” I warned, “he fits the profile, doesn’t he? Always disappearing off on mysterious ‘missions’ that don’t involve us. He knows all our greatest strengths and weaknesses. Also, did you notice how he never actually factored into that fight with the Spider-Demon?”
“Jacob has a point,” Libidine mused.
Todd hopped up onto the seat and crossed his arms. “No way, bro,” he grunted. “Raph may be a square, but he’s our square. He’d never do anything to hurt us.”
“I hope you’re right.” I sighed. “The last thing I want to be doing right now is fighting an Archangel, but it sounds like it’s a real possibility.”
“Why don’t you just call him up and ask?” the imp questioned. “I’m sure if you beeped him on his pager or Blackberry or whatever the fuck kind of archaic technology he has, he’d answer you right away.”
“That’s not a bad idea,” Cupi confirmed. “If you summon Raphael to our mansion, you could confront him directly. If he really has betrayed us, then at least we will have the element of surprise on our side.”
“You’re right.” I nodded. “Call up Sia, Gula, and Tris, and have them meet us back at the mansion. I hope and pray that I’m wrong about all of this, but if I’m not, we’re going to need all hands on deck.”
We continued on our journey back to Phoenix for another hour, and then we finally arrived back at our Tuscan style mansion. While we were traveling, Ira had contacted the other three succubi and informed them of the grim news. In the meantime, the five of us formulated something of a plan, just in case things went south.
“Alright, let’s go over this one more time,” I announced to my friends as we pulled into the driveway of our home. “I call Raphael, get him to come here, and then confront him with Chort’s news. If all goes well, then maybe we’ll talk it over and get to the bottom of all this. If it doesn’t, then be prepared to hit him with everything we’ve got. I know this is going to be hard, and emotions will be running wild, but we have to do this.”
Todd, the succubi, and I exited the vehicle and then walked into the mansion. The other three members of our group were already waiting for us in the living room, all with grim expressions on their faces.
“Is it true?” Sia asked the second we came into the room. “Has Raphael really betrayed us?”
“I don’t know, Sia,” I explained. “As much as I don’t want to admit it, he seems like the most likely candidate. You know, if things get too crazy, I won’t blame you for saving yourselves.”
“Nonsense,” Sia scoffed. “We would never think of such a thing. We are loyal to you first and foremost, Jacob. Right, girls?”
The other five succubi all answered with, “Right!”
“You are the one who freed us from our bonds of servitude and gave us a new life,” the madame explained. “If we must fight, then we will fight and die by your side.”
“Thank you,” I said with a tender smile. “I’m glad I’ve got such amazing friends who will always have my back, even if we’re facing down an Archangel’s wrath.”
“Please,” Cupi interjected. “I was a member of the Divine at one time, remember? They’re not all they’re cracked up to be in combat. If they were, why would this war go on for all eternity? The Divine are master manipulators and negotiators, and nothing more.”
“Then this should be a piece of cake,” I joked half-heartedly as I pulled out my cell phone. “Here we go, guys. Be ready for anything.”
I opened up my contacts, moved down to the Rs, and then tapped the name of the Archangel. My screen lit up with the default contact picture over a blue background and the angel’s cell number directly underneath. There was ringing on the other side of the line, and then I heard the sound of a microphone rustling in the wind.
“Jacob?” Raphael’s voice asked curiously. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
>
“Hey, Raph,” I tried to hide the nervousness in my voice. “We’ve got a situation over here. Could you get over here so we can talk in person?”
“Of course, my friend,” the Archangel’s booming voice confirmed. “I’ll be there in approximately thirty seconds.”
The line went dead, and then I pushed my phone back into my pocket and looked at all of my friends grimly. A few seconds later, the living room was illuminated by a blinding white light. In the center of the Heavenly glow appeared the outline of our friend, the tall and muscular Archangel, Raphael. The light subsided, and our “friend” greeted us with a warm smile.
“Hello, Jacob,” he said with a bow, and then he stood up and looked around the room. “I see you’ve got the whole party here! This must be urgent.”
“You don’t know the half of it, buddy,” Todd muttered.
“It is,” I confirmed. “This is a very, very important matter. But first I wanted to ask how the investigation into Uriel’s disappearance is going?”
“Unfortunately, all of our leads have gone cold,” the dark-haired angel admitted with a frown. “We tried going directly to the assassin’s guild to see if we could get any information out of them, but they just laughed us out of the building. None of my Divine friends have seen Uriel in weeks, and now I fear we might be too late to save him.”
“What makes you think he was even captured in the first place?” I interrogated the Archangel.
“Jacob,” Raphael explained, “Uriel has been one of the Divine’s finest warriors since the beginning of time. He wouldn’t just disappear off the face of the universe without so much as a letter. For Heaven’s sake, Uriel refuses to travel between the Realms without announcing himself with a chorus of trumpets every time he does so!”
“When was the last time you saw him?” I continued.
“Two weeks ago, maybe?” Raphael answered, and his voice was growing more defensive by the second. “The two of us had just finished serving together in the Battle of the Fiery Plains. Together with a few of our brethren, we took out an entire army of Myrmecoleons.”
