The Complete Box Set: Saving Her
Page 24
“You love me?” I squeaked out.
He smiled. “Yeah, I do Sam, against my better judgment sometimes.”
I laughed.
“Are you saying this because of what happened or because of Jazmine? I need to know Logan. I …. “
“No. Those things only add to how I feel.” There was a pause. “Can I ask you something, Sam?”
“Mm-hmm.” I nodded.
“Why did you do it? I get that it was the right thing and all that. I get that Dana has had her struggles. I get that Dana is one of those people you instinctively just want to protect, but… still. Knowing this and acting on it are two different things. Why?”
“I…” I paused. This was where I either fell back into the same old patterns or I made new ones. This is where I opened up to someone for once verses making a casual sarcastic comment. A lie. I swallowed and tucked my hands under my legs.
“I, Logan I love you. I love you so much. I love Dana too. I hurt you in the worst way. I lied to you. I just, I mean I did want to protect Dana. My protective instincts were on full alert. That was most of it, but the other part was…” I looked at him, vulnerable. Raw. Exposed. “I wanted you to know I loved you guys too. You’ve always shown me. Actions speak louder than words. I wanted to show you that even though I made the biggest of mistakes you didn’t waste your time loving me.”
A softness came over Logan’s face. We stared at each other, the weight of everything said hung in the air. The silence lingered. When reality slowly started to creep its way back in Logan gently grabbed the sides of my hospital gown and started to pull it off.
“What are you doing?” I asked mortified as I held onto it for dear life.
“Sam trust me. Please trust me.”
I let out a weird sound between a whimper and a cry and slowly dropped my hands. When the gown dropped to my shoulders I tried to grab it again, but Logan gave me a look, and I let go. After what felt like an eternity my gown fell to the bed, and I was in just my underwear. I shook like a leaf and looked anywhere but at Logan. I tried shifting back, but he held me gently but firmly in place.
“Look at me,” Logan commanded.
I nodded my head no. I looked down with tears falling down my face. I felt exposed and vulnerable right along with my usual self-hatred and disgust. Logan grabbed my face and turned it towards him. I fought to turn away.
“Sam look at me.” I kept fighting. I couldn’t face him. Logan released my face and apparently decided on another course of treatment because he reached his hand out and gently ran his hand along a healing gash on my breast. I gasped and jumped back.
“I’m not doing anything Sam. I promise. I just want to show you that you are beautiful. You shouldn’t hide from these scars. They show your story. They show how strong you are. How loyal.”
I nodded no my head as the tears kept flowing. I was too vulnerable.
“If you want me to stop, I will, but I promise I won’t hurt you Sam.”
I wanted him to stop, but I also trusted him. I didn’t say anything. He knew I was letting him continue, but I didn’t want to say it.
“Come here.” He climbed on the bed with me and grabbed the hem of my cotton panties.
“Logan,” I gasped, utterly terrified. I grabbed his wrists out of instinct. He looked down where I was holding his wrists and then at my bandages. He let go of my underwear and ran his fingers gently along the bandages where I’d tried to end everything. He grabbed my right wrist and kissed it, and then my left one and repeated the same thing. I wrapped my hands around my waist, and he once again reached for my panties. I gripped my waist so tightly that I am pretty sure my nails drew blood. He slowly pulled down my panties and looked me in the eyes the whole time.
“It’s okay Sam,” he kept saying as I shook. “It’s okay. I'm not hurting you. You’re safe.”
As soon my underwear was off I looked down at my disgusting body, repulsed. Logan saw my face and took off his shirt. Then he pulled me onto his lap naked and so afraid, not of what he was going to do, but of what he was seeing and what he thought of me. I sat in his lap like a child, and for a while he just held me and ran his hands along some of the gashes.
“You’re beautiful Sam,” he kept saying.
It would have been corny if it didn’t feel so real and so healing. He was forcing me to face my reality versus letting me run from it.
Then he took his hand and oh so gently ran his fingers along my injured private area. I jerked back, but he held me firmly in place.
“Does this hurt?” he asked gently.
I looked at him. I couldn’t hide the pain on my face.
“Only inside,” I whispered.
With those two words, he grabbed me and pulled even closer to him as he rocked me back and forth.
“I hate them so much for what they did to you. I fucking hate them.”
“Logan,” I pulled away and blushed as I put my hospital gown back on. “I… if we are … well, I don’t want to be presumptuous but if you wanted to … be… with me, I couldn’t give you what you want or need or whatever. I don’t know if I can do this again.” I looked down at myself and frowned. “I don’t know if I can have sex ever again. I never want somebody touching me there again. Ever. I hate it. All of it. It hurts, and it’s gross. I'm gross. I can’t. I…”
“Shhh...Sam, I will wait as long as you need. I love you and want you no matter what stage of life you are in. Okay? I know you will heal. Sex may never be as enjoyable to you as it once was, but you will learn to love it again with the right person. Me,” he grinned. I couldn’t help but smile too. “By the way your tattoo it was untouched.”
I smiled. I realized that the flames I got when I was a teenager to represent my internal fire and strength somehow had stayed intact. I went to touch the spot where I knew my tattoo was. Maybe I would be okay after all.
Chapter 21:
The day I was due to leave the hospital Alexa, and Dana came by. I packed all my stuff up. Well, all the stuff Dana and Logan and Alexa had brought me since I came with nothing.
“How’s the packing going? Are you excited to leave?” Dana was hustling around the room throwing things in bags.
Dana had been on cloud nine since she found out Logan and I were finally getting together again and had admitted our feelings to each other. However, despite Dana’s cheery voice, I could tell there was something off about her demeanor. I made a mental note to ask her about that later.
“Yeah, I’m excited to stop sitting around and dwelling on my own shit.”
Alexa laughed. “‘Bout Time.”
“Shut up Alexa.”
“Okay relax you two,” Dana began, shooting dirty looks at the two of us. “We came here to tell you something. Logan should be telling you, but he was, well, let’s be real here, he was scared to. He didn’t want to see your face when he told you.”
“Okay,” I said hesitantly, giving her my full attention. Even Alexa seemed nervous. She pulled out a chair and thrust it at me.
“Here bitch. Sit down.”
“Gee thanks.” I frowned but took a seat.
“Okay. So, you know how famous Logan is,” Dana began, eyeing me carefully. “Well part of that, and I know this is an awful part, is, um…”
“Dana!” I snapped. “Get on with it.”
“Sorry, well the media knows something happened to Logan’s ‘potential girlfriend’ or whatever. They know you were kidnapped. That’s all they know really, but it’s a media shit storm. Logan’s been trying to dodge it but… it’s….” she sighed. “I’m sorry, really truly sorry.”
“Do they know about Jazmine?” I asked quickly.
“Fuck no,” Alexa jumped in. “Logan, Dana and I have made sure of that. I’d have to kill someone if they started messing with Jazmine right now. Logan explained it all to her too, about fame and stuff. She seems okay with it.”
“Thank God,” I sighed and leaned back in my chair.
“Are you okay?”
Both Dana and Alexa nodded firmly. The first step to my recovery was to be real with how I felt. Not hiding and being okay for everyone. If I ever wanted to get better, I had to be okay with not being okay.
“We got you,” Alexa nodded firmly. “We got you, and Logan has pretty much hired an entire army and publicity team to handle this all so….”
I laughed bitterly.
“I guess this isn’t the first time,” I said looking at Dana who looked down at her knees.
“He’s struggling,” Dana whispered. “He’s nervous for you. He feels awful.”
“He shouldn’t. Speaking of struggling. Alexa, can Dana and I have a moment?”
Dana looked at me curiously. Alexa nodded and took her purple hair right back out the door.
“What’s up?” Dana asked.
“Something’s off with you. I can sense it. What’s going on?”
“I’m fine.” She brushed me off but didn’t make eye contact with me either.
I stood up slowly and limped over to her.
“Dana…” I said warningly. She looked up at me with puppy dog eyes. How was one girl so adorable? I don’t think it would be possible for anyone to be mad at Dana.
“Gunner left,” she said quickly. “He left a note. Said he had to “figure things out,” whatever that means. I ….” she sighed again. “I don’t know why he’d leave without talking to me or without leaving me a way to contact him.”
“Oh, Dana…”
“Yeah,” she looked sad and then broke out in a bitter laugh. I raised an eyebrow at her. “God this freaking sucks! I don’t even go near guys for years, not since that thing happened to me. Then I meet someone who I immediately like and is so goddamn hot, and he sells drugs. Then he kisses me, and it’s perfect. So, freaking perfect. Then you get kidnapped, tortured and very nearly murdered because I want to save him and now he’s just gone. That’s it.” She fell onto the hospital bed. “I’m meant to be alone.”
“Dana!” I stood in front of her and grabbed her hands. Gunner cares about you. I may not like it, Logan may hate it, but the fact is he does. He wouldn’t have given up all he knows in life to save us if he didn’t. Plus, not only that, without you prompting him he saved my life the other day from that guy with the gun. Yes, Gunner and I sort of get along, but he didn’t do that for me. He did it for you.”
“What are you saying?”
I sighed heavily, debating the stupid thing I was about to say.
“If you love him like I suspect you do, then you shouldn’t let him run away from you that easily. Gunner is lost and scared. He’s a wall of a man, so it’s weird to think about him that way, but all his life choices have been based on one trauma he won’t talk about. I mean be prepared for heartbreak because, well, you’ve fallen for Gunner, a criminal drug dealer with a sketchy moral compass, but I don’t want you to live with regret. Better try and fail at this than think ‘what if’ for the rest of your life. I think heartbreak is slightly better than regret, but you must decide for yourself. You guys have been friends for five years. I doubt you are ready to quit on him now.”
“I love you so much!” She flew at me and wrapped her arms around me. “I needed someone to say that!”
“What are you planning?” I said skeptically.
“You’ll know in time.” Her voice once again had that enthusiasm I was used to. “I’m going to grab Alexa so I can call Logan and tell him to get his butt over here to help you. PS. Alexa is awesome. She seems crazy, but I like her.”
“Me too,” I smiled. “But she is nuts.”
Alexa came in and talked about Jazmine while Dana stood outside and made plans with Logan. A nurse came in and took my vitals one last time. She looked at me proudly.
“You’ve come so far Sam. You are going to get passed this.”
“Am I?” I looked up at her like she had all the answers.
She patted me on the back.
“Yes. You are. You aren’t alone, and if you need more help remember we are right here. Just don’t give up.”
“Deal.” I fist pounded her. “Thank you for keeping me alive. Even when I’m not sure I want to be.”
She gave me a soft smile. “Of course, sweetheart. Now go live.”
She walked out of the room, and I reflected on her words. I appreciated her little pep talk.
A few minutes later a lady in a business suit walked in, and I had to sign a bunch of paperwork. Logan walked in as I was signing my last sheet of paper and I just about crawled out of my skin when I saw who was with him, holding his hand. Jazmine.
“Mommy!” she screamed and wrapped her arms around me. She then pulled away and wiped away the tears from her eyes. “I’m sorry I made you feel bad last time. I'm sorry. You look pretty still. I love you. I'm sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry baby.” I wrapped my arms around her and looked at Logan with all the gratitude I could muster. He gave a satisfied smile and a nod. “You are allowed to feel however you want to feel. Do you hear me baby girl?”
Jazmine smiled and nodded, and I felt proud I was imparting this message to her at such a young age. It was one I wished I had learned years ago.
“I hate to break up this moment,” Logan winced, “but I know you talked to Dana and Alexa. I need to go over the plan so that we can get out of here.”
“Plan?” I asked.
“Mommy!” Jazmine said with wide eyes. “There are sooo many people outside. It’s scary.”
“Yeah,” Logan said running a hand through his hair. “But I have a plan and great staff.”
That familiar sense of despair washed over me as I remembered the three men who died trying to protect us. Logan noticed.
“They will be honored, and their families will be taken care of,” he said to me in a low tone.
I nodded and held in my tears.
“Now, a guy is waiting outside who will walk us through the hospital to the back door. When we get back there, there are six men. Dana and Sam, you two will go first. There is a car directly outside. Dana, help Sam, she’s claustrophobic.”
“You remember that?” Okay, that made my heart do that girly flip thing.
“Of course. Now, Alexa and Jazzy, you two will go next. Jazzy you are an expert at this by now. I’ll go last. Don’t get distracted by anything they say. This story is everywhere with no details, so they will say anything to get our attention. Even at the back door, it’s crazy so just… be prepared.”
Logan walked over and grabbed my bag. I felt weird not carrying anything, but I could barely walk let alone carry a suitcase. Dana saw the helpless look on my face and gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Just as Logan said, there was a man outside the door, and he walked with us even though the hospital was empty. Logan walked ahead of us. He seemed very on edge. I frowned at his distant and tense demeanor.
“Logan,” I called out, wishing I could just run and catch up with him.
The reality was that I was holding onto Alexa for support while Jazmine talked Dana’s ear off. My body was still very sore and tired. The pain meds helped tons though.
He turned around, and I reached my arm out to him, asking him to help me. I could tell he was reluctant, but he grabbed onto me and helped me forward.
“What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing.”
“Logan come on. I know you better than that. I'm okay with all this. Yes, I’ll be honest, it freaks me out, but I get it. This is part of it. I’ll be fine.”
“I’m scared you’re fine now, but the reality of it will be too much,” he glanced down at my bandaged wrists. It was quick, but I caught it.
“Logan, I won’t do that again. I promise,” I said quietly, so Jazmine didn’t hear.
“I never thought you’d do it the first time.”
Me neither. I so wish
ed I could say I didn’t know why I did it.
We walked in silence for a while, and when he reached the back-door, Logan took a deep audible breath and passed me over to Dana.
“Okay. Dana, Sam you two go first. Please be careful.” He winced. He glanced at Dana, and she gave him an affirmative nod. We were the two of the most important people in his life, and I knew he hated not being able to go with us.
“Alexa, I’m trusting you to block Jazmine.” Nothing scared me more than cameras getting a good picture of Jazmine, and her privacy being stolen.
“I promise you. I won’t let them get one freaking picture.” Her gaze was hard, and I knew she meant what she said. I nodded at her.
“I’ll be fine mom.” Jazmine hugged me and smiled.
“Okay.” I took a deep breath. Logan squeezed my shoulder and Dana ushered me out the door. Logan wasn’t kidding there were people everywhere and bright lights flashing. It was just like six years ago when we got surrounded except crazier. The six men Logan explained surrounded us and pushed people away. In an instant, we were shoved inside a silver Acura. It wasn’t until we were in the car that I realized how protective Dana had been over me, and how much she had helped through the crowd. Trying to reign in my breathing, I turned to her.
“Thank you,” I mumbled.
“Of course,” she said with a sweet smile. “Logan helped me back in the day so I’m so glad I could help him now. Well you, but that means helping him by default.”
Then Alexa and Jazmine came barreling in the car.
“Jazmine,” I called, pulling her little body into my arms. She seemed oddly calm about the whole thing.
“They didn’t get a freaking thing Sam. Don’t you worry,” Alexa said making herself at home in the crowded car.