by Bry Ann
“Logan, Ow! You’re hurting me! What happened today?”
“Sorry,” he mumbled as he loosened his grip on my hair.
Then he proceeded to vent about girls, our parents, his producers, how much he hated being controlled and the increasing press he was receiving. When he was done he finally decided to ask about my life. I had been waiting on the edge of my seat to tell him my big news, but Logan always talked about himself first. Always. Selfishness sort of came with his lifestyle, and my parents encouraged it because he was “so important”. I still came second to Logan, because I’m average. I’m not rich, I’m not famous, I'm not a celebrity. It was infuriating.
“So, what’s new with you? We haven’t talk in a while.”
Before he could even finish his sentence, I jumped in and squealed.
“I have a boyfriend! A real-life boyfriend Logan! He’s so cute. His name is Damon, and oh my gosh he’s gonna take me to all these cute places….”
I kept gushing, on and on, while Logan sat there stiff as a board.
“Well, I need to meet him. I mean you’re only 13! Aren’t you a little young to date?”
“I'm too young?! You’re the last person to talk. You were probably hooking up with girls by the time you were 13!”
“Dana!” he groaned covering his ears. “Don’t say shit like that. Holy crap.”
“What? It’s true. You are being a hypocrite.”
“I literally cannot discuss this with you,” Logan said miserably. I giggled and spent the rest of the time daydreaming while Logan finished braiding my hair.
Logan was gone by the next morning. He had a shoot three hours away, well three hours away by car. It was really only a 20-minute trip, because they sent a private plane for him. It was up in the mountains and he would be gone for two and a half weeks. I always hated when he went away. Being alone with my parents was like a jail sentence because I had to spend all my time in my room. They didn’t want to see me. I wasn’t their precious son and it always ended in lectures about my looks, my weight, my goals, my friends, anything and everything I was doing that wasn’t up to par with Logan. My brother was good looking, charming and talented. I was just an average, typical thirteen-year-old girl. They couldn’t deal with that. It didn’t matter at the time, because I could. I liked myself. I wouldn’t have wanted Logan’s life even if someone offered it to me. I liked being thirteen and enamored with boys and clothes and gossip. My life was fun. Logan’s looked like it sucked.
Damon texted me and asked if I wanted to go to a diner by his house. His cousin was picking us up and I danced around my bedroom, so grateful for the escape from this God-awful house. Without Logan it was a prison. I asked my parents, and of course they didn’t care. It got me out of their hair for an hour or two.
I tried on like twenty different outfits before I decided on a short sleeve pink dress with gold sandals. I put my short blonde hair in a ponytail and took one long look in the mirror to make sure I approved. Once I had some lip gloss on, I smiled at myself. I looked so cute. I had no hesitation when the blue sedan pulled up to the front yard and I jumped in the car. I wish I would have hesitated. Little did I know that one choice would change the course of my entire life.
Present Day: Chapter 1:
Gunner left me. It was the only thing I could think as I stared blankly at the letter he left anonymously in my mailbox. Of course, I didn’t need a signature to know it was him. Honestly, I could recognize his words anywhere. It would never take much for me to know it was him. I’ve seen him consistently for the better part of six years and become one of his closest friends, and he’s become one of mine.
I tried to bite back the burning in my heart as my eyes began to pulse. Now was a terrible time for me to fall apart. Sam was still in the hospital suffering the consequences of what she did to save me… because I tried to save Gunner and now he was leaving me alone! Anger shot through me. I ran into the safety of my room at the treatment center and cried. I wished I could throw things and yell at the top of my lungs but that would alert the staff and “processing” was the last thing I needed.
I’d cried my eyes out and ranted silently to myself and cursed Gunner to hell all night long. That morning, however, I had to be at the hospital to help Sam pack up and avoid the press. She was finally getting released from the hospital after a hell of a lot of healing, a suicide attempt and a murder attempt- thwarted by Gunner. Heartache. I would be okay for her though. Despite how I felt on the inside, when I showed up at that hospital Sam was my priority. She was my sister. I didn’t care if her and Logan weren’t officially married yet. She was always my sister. I felt an instant connection with that stubborn, independent brunette, from the first time I met her. She was the best thing to happen to both me and my brother, and we were the best thing to happen to her since her mom passed away. Not to sound cocky or anything. What was most important was that my brother adored her, and she adored him too, even when she tried to deny it. They challenged the hell out of each other.
Unfortunately, Sam instantly knew something was wrong the moment I arrived at the hospital, and our time together ended in her giving me one of the best pep talks about love I’d ever heard. Ironically, it came from a girl who believed she wasn’t capable of loving anyone. Her talk was exactly what I needed to hear, and the affirmation I needed to go through with what I’d secretly been planning all night. That talk is what led me to Logan’s front door with a duffle bag and a plane ticket in my back pocket.
It always amazed me how I could dedicate virtually my whole life to therapy and dealing with my issues, and then get put in one tricky situation and it’s like I’d never even heard of the word self-help before. Staring at my brothers hardened, concerned face scared the shit of me. Logan was going to be pissed, beyond pissed. I let my goal focus me slightly, but I was so relieved when Sam popped in the doorway with a look of complete understanding on her face. She invited us both into the living room and whispered some motivational quote in my ear. To be honest, I didn’t hear what she said, but I was so grateful somebody understood and wasn’t judging me. I was sure as shit Logan was not going to understand this one bit. His protectiveness was understandable. He had to deal with the aftermath of my last and only “relationship”. I could understand him being concerned that the first time I fall in love with someone since Damon was with a known felon and drug dealer. Heck, I was concerned for myself, but I’d rather die than live with regret hanging over my head. I had to try.
Sam kept looking at me sympathetically as I stuttered my way through trying to explain my situation to Logan. He was beyond furious. He kept cursing and Sam continuously scolded him because my adorable niece was right around the corner. Seriously, that girl was like a Gerber baby in real life, with her beautiful hazel eyes and bright blonde hair that was always a mess all over her face.
After a few minutes of heated discussion Sam realized she needed to tend to Jazmine, and Logan and I needed a minute alone. She excused herself and gave me one last smile before walking out. Once I was alone with Logan I toughened up. He couldn’t boss me around anymore. I wasn’t his employee. I was doing this. I had worked hard to become independent and it was time he knew it. I gave him no option. He didn’t like it at all, but he knew he had to accept it. So, for my sake, and so Sam didn’t kick his ass, he did. He let me go. I gave him a hug and the second I had my arms wrapped around his waist he grabbed my cell phone and programmed an obscene amount of ICE numbers into my phone. So many that I joked ICE was probably defeating the purpose at this point because I had like fifteen options to choose from. He didn’t find it funny. He gave me a whole speech about safety and offered to get me security. I told him I’d rather slit my wrist than walk around with a staff. I immediately winced at the joke. I apologized, and my cheeks burned bright red. Logan gave me an understanding smile and dismissed it. He still wasn’t over Sam’s suicide attempt. All the mirrors in their house were either blocked off or taken down, and he still watched Sam like
a hawk. I didn’t blame him. That call from the hospital was the most afraid I’d ever been. When we found out Sam tried to kill herself it felt like our whole world had skidded to a sudden stop. Logan was particularly devastated and angry. He was furious at her for ‘quitting’, especially because he had just found out they had a daughter together. Everything changed when he annoyingly listened in on Sam and I’s conversation. He discovered that the reason Sam tried to kill herself was the scarring she saw in the mirror. That’s when Logan softened. He really helped her, but neither of them were ready for the mirrors to be put up again after all that.
Sam is still completely broken after what happened. Who the hell wouldn’t be though? She’s still so strong. I envy her. I wish I had the quiet, sometimes not so quiet, strength she had. It was awe inspiring to see how she just kept going no matter how hard things got. She never quit.
When Logan and I were finally done talking I headed down the hall to say bye to Sam. The closer I got, the more my eyes welled up with tears. I couldn’t say bye to that girl. Sam amazed me. I whipped back around and told Logan to say bye to her for me and that I loved her. He shot me a curious look but nodded. Logan didn’t walk me to my car. He watched me leave, giving me my space. He looked at me with respect, and admittedly a bit of concern, but for once he was letting me be an adult and make my own decisions. I had spent almost a decade earning that trust and I was not going to ruin it. No matter how this little love quest turned out.
Dana - 13 Years Old:
I wouldn’t exactly say I am innocent. Not with a brother like Logan, or parents like the ones I had. However, I was never more aware of my age as I was when I crawled into that car with Damon and his seventeen-year-old cousin, Tanner. Damon had curly brown hair that I always found so endearing. His eyes were soft, and he was the exact opposite of everyone I lived with at home. That was one of the many reasons I found him so adorably perfect. His cousin Tanner was nothing like that. His cousin had sharp brown hair, that was bordering on red. His eyes were green but piercing. They said so much about his intentions without him ever having to open his mouth. I wanted to crawl right back out of the car the second I got in it, but something kept me glued to my seat. It was like ice took over my body. Instead of being smart and fighting or flighting, aka exiting the vehicle, I stayed glued to my seat and did nothing.
Damon seemed uncomfortable. Usually Damon pretended to be flirty and acted all overconfident. He totally wasn’t that way in real life, it was a funny act though. I found it particularly funny because I lived with someone who was the true epitome of flirty and cocky, not that Damon knew that. I tried to keep my brother a secret or at least somewhat on the down low, as did Logan.
Damon wasn’t like that today. He kept looking back at me with something that barely qualified for a smile and was fidgeting profusely. His cousin kept putting him on the back like they were in on some sort of secret and whatever it was clearly terrifying Damon. Whenever his cousin touched him his nervous ticks got worse.
“So, we are going to the diner?” I asked with a tremble in my voice.
His cousin whipped his head around to face me. “I’m Tanner. Damon’s cousin.”
“Hi nice to meet you,” I said sheepishly. “Hi Damon. How are you?” I turned to face Damon. My boyfriend. My first boyfriend.
My voice was stoic, as was Damon’s face when I spoke to him.
“Good. You?”
“Yeah, um, good. So, we are going to the diner… right?” I repeated desperately.
“Sure,” Damon mumbled. It was quiet, but loud enough for me to hear.
I should have done something then, but I didn’t. I froze wide eyed as I felt my ponytail scratch the back of my neck and my sandal’s dig into the back of my heels. I didn’t say anything when we turned onto a street I didn’t recognize or when I noticed Tanner’s eyes glistening brighter and Damon turning into someone I didn’t recognize. Someone scared. Timid. Someone who’s survival instincts were kicking in. I thought everyone had survival instincts but as I sat glued to my seat I realized maybe I didn’t. Maybe I was just as much of a letdown as my parents thought because I knew something was wrong and I wasn’t moving. There is fight and flight, but I learned that day there is also freeze, and that’s exactly what I did… I froze. That was until we got to the parking lot of a recently closed Mexican restaurant five miles outside of town. It wasn’t a sketchy place or a movie cliché, yet somehow that did nothing to curb my panic.
“Why are we here?” I squeaked out. “We are going to the diner.”
Damon looked at me with a look of pain and determination. “We’ve been driving for ten minutes in the complete opposite direction of the diner Dana. You know we were never going there.”
“What are you doing Damon?” I said my voice barely a whisper. “This...this isn’t you.”
For the briefest second, I saw his gaze flicker to his cousin who was eyeing me gleefully and carefully. “You don’t know that,” he finally said.
“I do,” I mumbled and glared at his cousin. Somehow, he was being forced to do this. Not that that made it any better. I’d take whatever was coming my way before I hurt someone else.
“Get of the car Dana. Please don’t make this hard.”
“Don’t make this hard!” I shrieked.
I quickly reached for my phone, but in one quick motion my purse was being yanked from my hands and both boys were getting out of the car and heading to each side of the passenger doors where I was sitting. I fumbled around frantically, but the doors came flying open. My elbow was jerked roughly to my left by a rough calloused hand. I felt myself being dragged from the car. Since I fought the whole way, when I was pulled from the car my chin hit the pavement painfully forcing my teeth to clash together and the metal taste of blood to fill my mouth.
“Jesus Dana,” I heard Damon say as his much smaller, much softer hand pulled me up from the ground.
Before I could even process what happened or my chin or that I no longer had my phone, Tanner’s calloused hand was grabbing my upper arm and jerking me to a spot behind the restaurant. Tanner’s hand almost wrapped around my entire upper arm. I felt small. Weak. Out of control. It made me hate myself for not moving and not calling anyone when I knew something was wrong earlier. It set me down a train of thoughts that would haunt me for years to come. Somehow in the time I was being dragged to the back of the restaurant I concluded this was all somehow my fault. Occasionally I’d dig my feet in and try and stop Tanner from pulling me, but all it took was a small nudge from Damon behind me to get my feet moving again.
Soon we were behind the restaurant by an old dumpster. It smelled, and the ground was still somewhat wet when they pushed me down to my knees. I tried to stand, but a fist came flying into my face before I could see who did it. My hands stopped my fall, but it just took a nudge for me to land with a grunt on the ground. It was at this point my body and mind separated. It felt like I was watching myself. I didn’t feel anything. I still have trouble piecing together what happened afterwards, to this day. I have no idea who participated in my rape. Did they both? Did Damon? Did my boyfriend rape me? Did his cousin? I can’t remember. I have therapied myself to death over this and I still can’t remember.
I remember the moment I came back into my body. My dress was hiked up around my waist. I was bleeding a little on my face, chin, knees and down there as well. The ground was wet, cold and disgusting. Tanner was already halfway towards the car waiting for Damon impertinently. Damon grabbed the money out of my wallet and looked at me with a semi sympathetic expression. Although, I was still not sure if that expression was meant for him or me.
“I really am sorry,” he mumbled before running off to be with his cousin. Then both of them hightailed it out of there.
I pulled my dress back down and sat up looking straight ahead like a zombie. My eyes were wide, and I could feel my heart pounding a million miles a minute. It took me quite a while before I started to wiggle my fingers to try and wake my bo
dy up from whatever state of shock it was in. I saw my cell phone thrown across the pavement and I crawled over slowly (and painfully!) to pick it up. I quickly hit the number of the one person I knew would care about what had happened to me. Usually I’d feel guilty for interrupting him, but I was too frozen to process guilt or any other emotion other than ‘survive’.
“Logan…” My voice cracked when I heard his voice on the other hand of the line. He sounded irritated. His tone immediately changed when he heard mine.
“Day, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“I need your help.”
My voice still sounded groggy and foreign. I could hear Logan telling someone to ‘give him a fucking minute’ in the background.
“Where are you? What happened?”
“Logan, I….” My throat closed, and tears started to fall down my cheeks. “Damon... Was with his cousin... he...Damon…” My thoughts were all running into each other and I wasn’t able to process any of them.
“What are you trying to tell me Dana?” Logan said slowly. His voice sounded absolutely horrified.
He knew.
“Logan I’m in trouble,” I finally said.
“Call 9-1-1. Tell them to take you to the county hospital. I’m coming right now. I’ll handle mom and dad.”
“I don’t want to hang up.”
Tears slipped from my eyes faster. Don’t leave me Logan. I’m so scared. Logan let out a pained sigh.
“I’m still right here. I will hold my cell phone and you hold yours. We are still connected. Just hit the red button and call 9-1-1. Stay on with them until they get there. I’m coming.”
