by Bry Ann
“I need that version of Gunner. Okay? I don’t even want to tell you this. It’s so embarrassing!”
“Just shoot. I’ll be nice. I swear.”
I lifted a hand in a sarcastic gesture and she laughed.
“Okay, so we had a group challenge the other day where we had to out with a friend. Like in town. Like we had to get dressed up and, you know, be social and stuff. I got dressed and, you know, I’m not very confident so I felt really awkward. My therapist was nice and tried to put me at ease, but you know how it is. I didn’t take after the typical Prescott gene pool and I’m no Sam.”
She fiddled with her shirt as she spoke, but I was too busy trying to reign in my temper to notice. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to try and shake the insecurity right out of her. She’s a beautiful girl. Beyond, and her personality makes your fucking hot as shit because she has a heart of gold. I hate that someone made her feel like she was so much less than the people around her.
“Anyway,” she continued, “we went to a nice restaurant and my friend wanted a drink at the bar, so I went with her. I was standing to the side and some guy asked… well, he asked me to go back to his room with him. He was hot and didn’t seem like a creeper. We talked first and stuff, but I just froze. Literally shut down. My friend saved me,” she paused and looked up at me shyly. I could see she was trying not to cry. Where the hell was this story going?
“Gunner, I'm twenty-two and I hate sex! I’m scared of it. Never had it other than… you know, that night. I don’t know if I’ve ever really had a desire for it. Something's so deeply fucking wrong with me. It was one rape! People have been through so much worse and I’m over here still fucked up from one fucking event! I hate myself.”
She shrugged. She tried to keep it together. Then she turned away from me and just cried. To no one. I suspected she was used to doing that, crying to no one. I knew she didn’t really talk about her problems in depth to anyone. I’ve always feel oddly flattered she’d opens up to me of all people, somebody who deserved it the least. At least I knew I’d never hurt her. Never judge her. I thought she knew that too up until this moment.
“Dana,” I said softly and reached around to grab her little body and pull her towards me.
“No,” she jerked away. “I shouldn’t have said all that. It just came out. I’m so embarrassed.”
“Dana! I’m not judging you. At all. I'm just surprised because you’re a beautiful woman, but not judging at all. I don’t know what you’re going through inside. Please look at me.”
She started to shake her head but as my words started to soak in she turned around to face me. I rubbed my hand down her arm in a comforting gesture. Then before she could pull away I grabbed her wrist and started to roll up her sleeves.
“What are you doing?” she asked wide eyed. She tried to pull away, but it wasn’t an actual attempt. She was just unsure.
“Trust me?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“Do I have a choice? You’ll do it anyway.”
I smirked.
“You know me too well.”
“Shut up, you know I trust you. Just go make your almighty point.”
I laughed. Feisty Dana was back. For some reason Dana was super argumentative with me. Always had been. Since day one. The funny thing was I don’t think she was like that with anyone else. Everyone seemed so surprised when they saw her act that way. I really didn’t understand why I, of all people, bring that out in her. I’ve killed people and could easily kill her. Not that I ever would. I’d probably die for her. Maybe she felt that. Which…. fuck.
I slowly rolled up both of sleeves. She watched me carefully. Her mood had changed drastically, and she was watching me to see if I was judging her. She was defensive and in self-preservation mode.
When her sleeves were up I saw her scars up close for the first time. They were worse than I thought, especially one that ran up her forearm vertically. I ran my fingers along the lines feeling an unfamiliar feeling in my chest. I swallowed to try and push it back. I was unsuccessful.
“See these?” I asked her.
“Every fucking day,” she snapped back.
“They are more about what’s on the inside than the outside scars you try so desperately to hide.”
Her whole body softened.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I know this first hand. The body can take a whole hell of a lot of pain but the heart… that’s, that’s really fucking hard to heal. I don’t know how to heal those scars Dana. Hell, my whole life is what it is because of one fucking scar, BUT I can promise you that one day you will meet someone who gets you. Really gets you and will be willing to help you trust intimacy again. It will just take time and experience and continuing to work on yourself. You will meet someone who’s in it for more than just a casual fuck.”
“Are boys even capable of that?” she laughed nervously.
“Men are.”
I shook my head and snapped that memory out my head. Dana was unconscious in Tanner’s arms. He snickered at me. This was a dangerous game and I was coming awfully close to losing her. I had to remind myself Dana was unconscious not dead, and Tanner was still in control. I had to stay cool and play this right.
“What are you going to do now Gunner?” Tanner mocked. “You killed two men. One’s probably in a coma, but you are hurt. Even you can’t fight forever. Plus, I have the upper hand here,” he said shaking Dana. “I can do whatever I want because I have my hand around this bitch’s throat and you care about her. If you don’t want her to die, then you’ll leave.”
“I’m not leaving her with you,” I scoffed.
Tanner smirked and before I could think he grabbed her between the legs. He opened his mouth to make some comment, I'm sure about what he did to her.
I saw red. The blood on her arm, the blood that came rushing to my ears, the scars on her arm that he caused. Tanner was a fucking idiot for just letting me holster my gun and not having me kick it to the side. It showed this truly wasn’t his game. Apparently, his game was just raping innocent women. I hated him. I pulled my gun out of my pants in a quick motion and shot him before he could blink. Under normal circumstances it would have been too risky with him holding Dana, but my adrenaline was pumping so hard I knew I wouldn’t miss… and I didn’t.
Present Day: Chapter 8:
Black. The world was just black. I fought to open my eyes, but they felt too heavy. I heard voices but couldn’t make them out.
I’m not dead. Oh my God I’m not dead.
“What’s… wrong?” I croaked out.
I tried to lift an arm but failed.
“Dana! Oh my God! You’re awake. Oh my God!” a body flung over my stomach and sobbed. Who was that? Who was crying over me?
“Shhhh, babe come here,” said a voice I recognized instantly. Logan. The body was instantly pulled off me.
“Hey Day,” he said softly.
Then I heard more tears. Logan was here so the tears must be from… Sam? Sam was crying? Over me! My eyes started to open. Everything was blurry, and I groaned.
“Logan…” I whispered.
“I’m here. How are you?”
Instantly my eyes shot open and I tried to sit up. Two pairs of hands instantly helped me.
“Gunner is he okay? What happened? Is…”
Instantly I felt him. I looked to my left, where one set of hands had helped me. There he was. Bandaged, bruised and pretty exhausted, but he was there. Alive.
“You’re alive,” I whispered feeling tears fall down my cheeks. “You. didn’t die.”
“I’m hard to kill,” he shrugged, but his voice sounded unconvincing and sad. I frowned.
“Dana, what were you thinking?” Logan asked giving my hand a squeeze. “We almost lost you. Alexa and Sam were flipping out. I was flipping out!”
“Yeah not cool babe!” Alexa’s voice rang from across the room.
“I had to go. I was hurting you guys. I shouldn’t have called y
ou.”
“That was a suicide mission Dana,” Gunner’s voice interrupted.
“I didn’t die. Did I?”
He scoffed.
“Yeah nearly! And the only reason you didn’t die is because I was able to back you up!”
“Yeah after I distracted them!” I yelled, but my voice was way too weak to make any kind of real noise.
Gunner rolled his eyes but backed off.
“You weren’t hurting us Dana. I always want to be there for you,” Sam whispered.
“I echo that,” Alexa said.
“Sam, your dream. You were hurting and then Alexa, you and Rex. I was just fucking everything up. I had to go.”
From the corner of my eye I saw Gunner huff and run his hands through his hair. I was confused but quickly turned my sights back to Alexa who was approaching me.
“Dana! Listen to me. Sam made a choice to be there. She knew about her nightmares and was prepared for that. I am fine. Rex is… nothing. I was just surprised. I can handle Rex,” she spat out like the word disgusted her.
“Okay? Never, ever, ever, ever leave us alone like that. Do you fucking understand? You scared the shit out of us. If Gunner hadn’t called…” she turned around and took a few deep breaths. “Just don’t be dumb!”
“Okay enough!” Sam said sternly. “Dana needs her rest. We’ll be back girl.”
Sam squeezed my leg. Her eyes were puffy and swollen. I couldn’t believe Sam, of all people, would cry over me. Alexa started to leave the room, along with Sam. Logan stayed behind.
“Sam hasn’t stopped crying you know? I rarely see Sam cry, and I do mean rarely. She’s been crying in my arms for days. Worried about you.”
“Days?”
“They put you in a medically induced coma to help reduce the chances of any side effects from the strangulation.” Logan’s voice was strained.
“Oh…” I paused. “Sam really cried. For me?”
Logan looked at me strangely.
“Yeah Day. She adores you. I adore you. Jazmine has drawn you like fifty pictures and get well soon cards. We love you. Sam feels connected to you. Always has. Look, I know you're scared I’m mad at you.” Yep. “I was at first, but I’m not mad anymore. I was scared. Really scared. You never have to lie to me before Dana. Do you understand? I’m here for you! Okay?”
My eyes instantly began to water.
“Did I lose your trust? I swore I wouldn’t lose it. I worked so hard to earn it back and now it’s just gone again.”
My legs were bouncing around a million miles a minute now trying to stop the tears from welling up. I needed to be alone. I needed to cry.
“No sis. I love you. Ten years of doing the right thing doesn’t get erased in one day. It’s a few steps back, but you don’t totally lose my trust. Let that be the least of your worries,” he kissed my head and walked out.
That left one person… Gunner. I put my head in my knees. I couldn't look at him and I had no idea why.
“I’ll go,” he said softly. “You want to cry alone.”
“How do you know?” I whispered.
“Your legs start getting really annoying and flying all over the place when you are trying to hold back tears. Telltale sign.”
“We’ve been friends for too long.”
“Yeah, we have. It almost got you killed.”
“No Gunner I…” he held up a finger and shook his head. He was angry at himself. It was all over his face and I had no idea how to convince him this was not his fault.
“I care about you Dana. I’m going to make this better somehow.”
“Gunner,” I whispered, but he was already leaving. Before he left the room, he threw something in my lap and shut the door behind him. I wanted to lean over and cry immediately, but first I looked over to see what Gunner had thrown at me. When I saw what it was the air whooshed out of my lungs.
A small stuffed pig. Just like the one that had bought me so much comfort when I went to the hospital as a teen.
I pulled it to my chest and cried for all that had happened and for all the mixed, confused that were now bubbling at the surface.
Dana- 22 Years Old:
I’d felt my heart being ripped open quite a few times in my life, but nothing compared to when I helped Logan get Sam out of his car after her mom died. Sam had always been the picture of strength to me. Sure, she had her weaknesses and her breakdowns but overall, she was so self-assured and always able to give as good as she got. This Sam was different. Logan tried to prepare me on the way, but I don’t think anything could have prepared me for seeing someone I loved so much hurt so badly. She was freezing. Her lips were blue and her skin ice cold. Her thick brown hair was matted around her face. The worst part, however, was the look in her eye. It was the look of someone so far gone they were beyond saving. She was so detached I wanted to scream. To cry. Then when I saw the horrified, pained look on my brothers face I wanted to cry all over again. How could this happen to such a small, kind family? HOW?
We led Sam into the house and waited around awkwardly to see what she would do. It took her awhile, but she finally commented on the lack of photos and personal knick knacks around the house. I was surprised that was the first thing she noticed. Logan had always insisted on keeping the house bare. His office was the same way. He started doing that soon after he disowned our parents. I tried to ask him about it, but he always refused to answer. Then I went through a phase where I’d start sticking random pictures up in places to see if he noticed. He always did and would send me an angry text message asking me to “please not do that”. After a while I stopped, and just let Logan continue with his boring, lonely existence, because, honestly, who was I to talk?
The next several days were hell. It started out with Sam crying her eyes out and ended with her completely isolating herself. The tears we could handle, the detachment became terrifying, the isolation absolutely sent us over the edge. We didn’t know how to help her. We were no experts on family. All we knew is we loved her and wanted to make her pain go away. That was really hard to do though when the person you were trying to help refused any of the help and support you offered her. Our pain turned to anger and our anger to fury and our fury to worry. Logan was not only worried sick about Sam, but Logan loved Sam’s mom. He felt accepted by her and was having a hard time dealing with her death too.
It took ten days for Sam to finally leave her room. She hadn’t gotten dressed. It had gotten to the point where I was going to tell her about my friendship with Gunner to get a reaction. It was literally the last thing on this earth I wanted to do but I didn’t know else to coax some type of feeling out of her.
Sam came downstairs, wearing virtually the same clothes she wore when we brought her here. Then she just started telling us all her feelings. Alarm bells were ringing all over the place. Was Sam suicidal? I’d always put that past her but in that moment, I was terrified. Logan looked pissed. Beyond pissed. He was scared shitless and hated having his feelings messed with. The second she went upstairs he held up a hand and said he’d take care of it. I didn’t really know what that meant but I trusted him. Even with my best friend.
I had a hard time sleeping that night, but I eventually did fall asleep. I didn’t even know what time it was when I woke up to the sound of glass breaking. Shattering everywhere. I threw on some pants, socks and sprinted down the stairs. Logan was throwing everything he could get his hands on. He didn’t look angry. It wasn’t anger. It was confusion, hurt, pain.
“Logan!” I yelled sliding across the hardwood floor. “What’s wrong? What the hell happened? Is Sam okay? Oh my God is Sam okay?!”
He stopped throwing glass and ran his hands through his hair, fixing it somewhat.
“She’s gone Day. She left.”
“What?! Go after her! You … you… she’s not stable. She’s hurting. Find her. Logan please find her!”
I started crying. He pushed his feelings aside and came over and pulled me into his chest.
&n
bsp; “I can’t make her stay sis. I can’t. I gave her mom’s note and she threw it and walked out. She’s running and Day… she doesn’t want to be found. I can’t hold her hostage here.”
“But… she’s our friend. You love her.”
Logan let go of me and went pale.
“What?”
“I’m sorry but you love her. That little snippy waitress. I know you love her.”
I felt him put up a wall.
“I don’t and even if I did she ruined it when she threw that letter in my face. I opened my heart to her and she spit in it.”
“But….”
“Day, she’s not nice. She just walked out. Okay? Forget her. For your own mental sanity please. Now…” he said wiping the hair from my face, “go to bed and I’ll take you back to your place tomorrow. I love you.”
“Love you too,” I mumbled.
I don’t want to go back.
I want my own place. Not a treatment center.
I want a friend. I want Sam. How could she leave us so easily?
The next day was a nightmare. Logan all but threw me out the door. He tried to act like he loved me, but there was a wall he’d put up I’d never seen before. Logan was already a guarded man, but never with me! His tone was lower, everything he said was less funny and he seemed to age so much in a day. It was weird. Both our eyes were swollen from crying but neither of us had the guts or the strength to bring it up. He dropped me off at my treatment center with barely a goodbye and drove away. I didn’t even walk in the door.
I sprinted off and texted Gunner on the private phone he’d given me to text him on.
Me: I need a friend. Now. -D
Gunner: I’ll break off. Meet me at that Guitar shop off third in the back-music room with the squeaky door. - G
I practically ran there. He was already there, checking the surroundings, tilting the cameras and closing the doors when I ran in. All typical for him when we were together. No one could see us, “it wasn’t safe”.
