by Bry Ann
“In a minute.”
He sat down next to me.
“How much damage did I cause?” I asked quietly. I felt tears stinging my eyes and tried to blink them back.
“Nothing you need to worry about. It is all replaceable. What was your dream about Alex?”
I unintentionally scooted closer to him. My eyes widened, horrified. Rex noticed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in towards him. I resisted at first, but eventually relaxed. I felt so much calmer with his arm around me, holding me steady. My shaking stopped.
“I never have nightmares.” I whispered. “It’s always been an odd thing about me. Despite everything, I’ve never had them. Why now?”
“I don’t know sweetie.”
Where the hell did the sweetie, thing come from. It made me seem so nice, so innocent, and we both knew I wasn’t. I liked it too much to fight him on it, and was too embarrassed to address it, because I knew I would never be able to muster up the anger I needed. He’d know I liked it.
“Can you just hold me? Can we not talk about it? Please Rex.”
“Okay Alex. We won’t talk about it right now.”
I sighed and fell into him. He squeezed my shoulder tight. “I’m here for you sweetie. Know that. I’ll never give up on you.”
I was too emotional to say anything. I just closed my eyes and let sleep overwhelm. This time my sleep was relatively normal, except I kept hearing that little girl's voice saying I failed her. It was the worst sort of torture.
I woke up with my head on Rex’s lap. I shot up immediately as the previous night came swirling back in my mind. Rex was looking at me like he’d been awake for hours, and Mia was in the kitchen cooking. I could feel both of their eyes on me. I felt so exposed.
“Have you guys been up this whole time?”
“I didn’t want to wake you,” Rex said softly.
“Well, I don’t want either of your pity! Mia I’m sorry. I’ll take care of everything.”
I stomped over to Rex’s room, but Rex grabbed my arm.
“I wouldn’t go in there Alex. Not yet.” I saw him and Mia sharing a look. I jerked out of his grasp.
“I need to see what I need to pay back Rex!”
I swung his door open. I had to lean against the door when I saw the damage. The room was trashed, and when I say trashed I mean a total fucking disaster. There was broken glass everywhere. All of the sports decorations that were walls in my reach were on the floor somewhere. His covers were all over the place. There were scratches in the paint. I had to physically make an effort to inhale.
“H… how … how did I do all this? I can’t pay all this back. Rex…” I whimpered.
He was immediately in front of me, blocking the room from view. All I could see was him.
“Alex, listen to me.” I whimpered and nodded at him, my lip quivering and my eyes pooling with tears. Again. “It looks worse than it is, okay? We will deal with it. Mia doesn’t care. She’s just worried about you.”
“Fucking shit. I’m worried about me too.”
I squeezed out of Rex’s little cage and bolted of the room. I walked straight towards Mia.
“Mia, I’m so sorry. I… don’t know what to say. I will pay this back, and I’ll stay at my place tonight. I will fix this.”
“You will do no such thing!” Mia snapped, making me step back. “You will stay here as long as you wish, and you will let Rex, me and Blaze deal with this. It’s about freaking time somebody gave you a pass. Just keep moving forward, don’t push my brother away and call us even babe.”
She squeezed my shoulder and went back to cooking.
“By the way,” she said as continue washing the dishes in the sink, “Blaze is coming into town to see me tonight. I can’t wait for him to meet you! He’ll just love you.”
Just like the that any hint of relaxation I felt disappeared. I wasn’t ready to be integrated into the real world. That thought was terrifying. I had spent my entire childhood hiding behind my aggressiveness while living with my dad, then I was trapped into being a hooker. My social interactions there were limited. After that I hid from the world, because I lost Anna. Now I was just supposed to just go around and meet people’s fiancé’s? Like it was all okay. Like I was somehow normal. No fucking way.
“I... I’ll just stay at my place while he’s in town. It’ll be way to crowded here with the four of us.”
I tried not to let any of the fear I felt creep into my voice.
“It’ll be the same babe.”
Mia’s words were kind, but I could tell I’d hit a hard limit for her. The frustration she felt was evident. I wouldn’t be able to get out of meeting Blaze.
“Blaze will sleep with me. Rex will sleep on the couch, and you can sleep…” she stopped and looked at me. Where was I gonna sleep? On that fucking bed again. Hell fucking no. “Well, um…” Mia cleared her throat. “You can take the couch maybe. We’ll figure this out.”
“I’ll just sleep at my place. We can meet in the afternoon. At least while Blaze is in town. Mia I…” Honesty was the best policy here. “I’m not ready to meet him.” I looked down at my hands, full of shame.
“I’m so sorry. I… I’m used to hiding. I don’t know if I can do it.”
Mia was about to give me pity, but Rex jumped in.
“Hell no. Mia will accept that. I won’t. This is not the Alex I know. You are stronger than this. Grab your big girl pants and pull them up. Come on Alex. I’ll help you, and you definitely don’t have to do this alone or bury your feelings but quit hiding behind your past.”
I stared at him in shock. He was so right. Mia stared at me, wondering how I was going to react. I am pretty sure my reaction was nothing like they expected. Rex had his arms crossed over his chest like he was preparing for a fight. Mia didn’t say a word.
“You’re right.”
Rex’s jaw dropped.
“I know you’re shocked but the fuck else am I supposed to say! You’re so freaking right. I’m a complete wreck! I’m terrified to meet fucking Blaze. I’m terrified to go in public places with the two of you because then this is all real and I don’t know if I can handle that. I hate my past, but somehow it feels safer than this!”
I extended my hands to the apartment.
“You nailed it Rex. Big, tough Alex isn’t so big and tough anymore. Life finally freaking won.”
“I’m going to give you two a minute,” Mia mumbled. She squeezed my shoulder and walked right out of the apartment. Like literally grabbed her purse, shoes and left.
“Oh fuck,” I mumbled. “Now I’m alone with you again and I can’t run away.”
“You didn’t even try to run.”
“I didn’t have a chance to!”
“No you did. You’re tired of running Alex. You don’t want to run from me.”
“No, it’s actually Mia that’s kept me sticking around.”
I stuck my chin out in an attempt to hold onto some of my pride. Rex laughed to himself and took a few steps toward me.
“I don’t think so sweetie,” he said still laughing and shaking his head. “You wish that was true though.”
“When the fuck did you become so smooth?” I stepped away from him. My voice was strong, but my insides were mush. “Like what the hell Rex? And what is up with the sweetie thing?”
Rex grinned and shrugged.
“I didn’t know I was smooth Alex. First I’ve heard of it.”
Gosh, I hated him. His smile couldn’t have gotten any bigger. I hated him because I thought it was so fucking cute, and I liked seeing him happy. That wasn’t me.
“And the sweetie thing. I don’t know. It just makes sense for me to call you that.”
“No, it makes no sense! I’m not sweet and it implies something we are not.”
Rex’s eyes darkened, and he took two steps away from me. I didn’t miss his reaction, and neither did my fucking hormones. While I was still trying to tame the sensations coursing through my bod
y Rex seemed to get ahold of himself, because he finally broke the silence.
“Back to the topic at hand. Why are you scared of people Alex?”
“I’m not scared of people. I’m scared of the real world. It’s much more complex and fucked up than just being scared of people.”
I stared at the floor and shuffled my feet preparing for some sort of grand speech, or another reminder of what a chicken I’d become, but no.
“I get that Alex. You’re allowed to be human.” My head flung up in shock.
“You’re not judging me?”
Rex seemed horrified. “I was never judging you Alex. Ever. Ever.”
I had the sudden desire to jump in his arms and plant my lips on his. It was so unlike me I had to take step back to regain control.
“Do you have any ideas? I don’t want to hurt Mia’s feelings.”
“I’ll think of something okay? Don’t worry about it. You will meet him though Alex. He’s a nice guy, and there’s nothing to be nervous about. We will take it slow though.”
“How nice can he be? His name is fucking Blaze!”
“Mia picked him Alex,” there was a hint of warning in his voice. “He’s a nice guy. If you don’t trust him, trust her judgement. I do.”
I looked at him and nodded.
“With that said, Blaze has boundary issues. No shocker. Seeing as that he’s with Mia and she still struggles with boundaries. I wouldn’t want to send you running. How about we stay at your place tonight and meet up with them tomorrow.”
“We?”
“Yes we. Not only do I not want to leave you alone after last night, but you really think I want to be alone in an apartment with my sister and her fiancé. Come on. As a friend, help a guy out. It was cool with you here, but just me and them. Heck no. Please Alex.”
“Fine, but you’re gonna be uncomfortable. My place sucks!”
“I’ve been there Alex. I know what I’m in for.”
Then he winked at me. Fucking winked.
“I’m going to get Mia. This will all be okay. There is some stuff I want to go over with you too, but I think we should do at your place. It’s a private thing.”
Then he swung the door open and called for Mia. A private thing? What private thing?
Mia came bustling back in the room before I could speak. Which was probably a good thing. I didn't want to say or do anything else to hurt Mia. I couldn’t deal with that. Rex I was cool with hurting a bit, but not Mia. Mia stared at me unsure of what to say. The next words came tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“We should go shopping Mia. Like old times. I need to apologize to you somehow, and that’s the only way I know how to. You’re a girl and this is the only thing I know to do.”
I sounded so fucking pathetic, but it was worth it when Mia’s eyes brightened. She came over and grabbed both of my hands.
“I would just love that. How about when Blaze leaves? Rex can hang with Blaze and we can go out.”
“Um, okay.”
She smiled and nodded to Rex. Rex cleared his throat and turned to address Mia.
“Mia, sis, me and Alex are staying at her place tonight. We love you, but neither one of us are big on staying with you and your fiancé, especially when we have another place we can chill at. Don’t be mad.”
Mia looked between the two of us and did the most unexpected thing. She smiled.
“Great. Sounds good.”
Still grinning, she turned to continue her work in the kitchen. Rex shot me a confused look, which I returned. I was just as confused. What was she up to? There was no way Mia Carter was cool with me and her brother not being there when her fiancé arrived.
“When do you guys leave?” she asked, sounding almost giddy.
“Okay, what the fuck Mia? Why are you so excited about us leaving?”
“Oh, you know. Gives Blaze and I more privacy.”
“Oh no!” Rex yelled, throwing his hands over his ears. “I don’t want to hear that.”
“That’s bullshit,” I whispered to Mia while Rex’s ears were still covered. She grinned. I shot her a warning glare between girls.
“Stop dreaming Mia,” I mumbled.
She winked and continued scrubbing dishes. Geez, these two were so related.
Chapter 18:
Mia us helped load up the last our bags into the car. Rex was still inside changing. It was now nearly 6PM, and all I wanted to do was get back my place, watch a movie and go to bed. That’s it. Rex came out several minutes later. Mia and I were by the car talking. Well, mainly she was talking at me while I listened and nodded along. She was saying how excited she was to see Blaze. How he traveled a lot and she rarely got to see him, but he was getting a more stable job soon. Her happiness was contagious and the love she felt for him was undeniable. Whoever he was, he was a lucky guy.
When I heard the door, snap shut and felt Rex walk up behind me. I looked over. There he was in navy blue sweatpants and a long sleeve plain black tee. I stared at him for a second too long. I realized it when I felt Mia smirking at me. I turned around quickly and smacked her on the shoulder.
“You sooo like my brother,” she teased, whispering quietly into my ear.
I was so humiliated. I knew my cheeks were blood red, but more than anything I liked that Mia felt comfortable enough to tease me. Even after knowing all I’d been through. That meant a lot. I didn’t want to be treated like a delicate little flower. I wanted things to go back to normal.
“It’s Rex. I don’t like Rex!” I furiously whispered back.
“He looks good though now, doesn’t he?”
“Holy shit, he’s your brother…” I was cut off when Rex got closer and placed a hand on my shoulder, looking at the two of us curiously.
“What are you guys talking about.”
Mia started laughing.
“Nothing. Your sister is sick. That’s all.”’
That made Mia laugh even harder. She had her hands wrapped around her stomach and had to lean over to try and catch her breath. It was a beautiful sound.
“I don’t think I even want to know.”
“You don’t.”
“See you two later. You’re still planning on meeting up with us tomorrow, right?”
Mia’s eyes held so much desperation and hope. Rex looked at me and then turned back to Mia and nodded firmly.
“Yes, wouldn’t miss it sis.”
“Alex?” she asked, looking at me with pleading eyes. “He’s nice. I swear.”
I swallowed and exhaled. “Of course, I’ll be there.”
I huge, genuine smile spread across her face. She was a literal angel among us mere mortals.
“I can’t wait. Have fun tonight you two.”
We could hear her laughing as she walked up the stairs. I was gonna kill her.
“Okay what’s her deal? Why does she look so giddy? I’m no expert on girls but…”
“Ugh, don’t say it Rex!” I covered my eyes. I was really gonna kill her!
“She wants us, together right?”
He laughed and removed my hands from my face.
“Just get in the fucking car Rex.”
I jumped in and slammed the door shut. I could hear him laughing all the way to the driver’s side. He loved to torture me.
Within the hour we were at my apartment. I hated to admit it, but I was excited to have him there, in my dingy little apartment with wood floors. I used my key to let us in and watched as he set all his stuff down and made himself comfortable.
“Did you really bring a sleeping bag?”
“Yeah? Was I supposed to sleep on the hardwood floor? I only saw one sleeping bag when I came over last time.”
“I… I…” I my hands started to shake, and I bit my tongue to keep my eyes from watering. My lack of possessions was ridiculous… and humiliating.
“Alex, don’t do that. I had a sleep bag. I brought it. Don’t get all worked up over this. Remember, it’s just me. It’s Rex. Weirdo
from your past.”
The corners of my mouth turned up. “You bought snacks too?”
“Don’t tell me you’re gonna get all pissy over this too?”
“No! Of course not. It’s food. I don’t know of a better way to catch up with my best friend than to watch a movie and eat snacks. Did you bring anything good?”
“Babe,” he said dropping his head and side eyeing me. “I got you covered. I bought oreos, double stuffed of course, snickers, skittles, peppermint patties…”
“You bought peppermint patties?”
“Yes. I remembered how much you liked those.”
While I was swooning, and admittedly flustered, he got busy setting up the sleeping bag by the wall across from my tiny ass old fashioned television. He fluffed it up, so it was comfortable. When he was happy with his work he plopped down on the floor, taking a deep breath and letting his head fall back.
“You put on the movie and grab the snacks.”
“Fair.”
I grabbed almost all of the snacks and threw them on the floor in front of us. Once I heard the sound of a wrapper opening I rummaged through my very small DVD collection. I decided on the movie 300. Rex laughed as the introduction started.
“300? Seriously? I should've just bought over the guys and we could have drank beer too.”
“I love 300. It’s badass.”
“Of course, you do Alex,” he laughed. “Now sit your ass down.”
“I will, but only because I want snacks and to watch Gerard Butler kick ass. That’s all.”
I stubbornly sat my butt down, purposely putting quite a bit of distance between us. For the next hour we barely watched the movie. It pretty much of consisted of us eating, making jokes about the movie, trying to talk in Gerard Butler’s accent and, admittedly, making fun of Mia. With love, of course. I laughed harder than I had in such a long time. I didn’t even know I was still capable of laughing like that. My heart felt like it was glowing. By the time the credits rolled my legs were in his lap and we'd both went through an insane number of snacks.
“Holy fuck, did I really eat all that?”
I looked over at the pile of empty wrappers.
“I helped, but, yeah, you want to town.”
“Well good thing I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me, because I’m going to inflate tomorrow.”
