Boy Meets Girl b-3
Page 26
Name: Amy D. Jenkins
ID#: 3164-000-5001
Description: (photo attached)
White female, 30 years of age
5 feet, 6 inches, 120130 lbs.
Blonde hair, blue eyes
Contact Security immediately upon sighting of above individual.
THE NEW YORK JOURNAL
New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper
Peter Hargrave
Chief Executive Officer
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6000
MEMO
To: All Departments
Fr: Peter Hargrave, CEO
Re: Human Resources Director
Please be aware that Amy Jenkins is no longer with the company. The newly appointed acting Human Resources Director is Jennifer Sadler. Please welcome Ms. Sadler to her new position. We are very pleased and fortunate that she agreed to take on a position of so much responsibility with so little advance notice. Thank you, Jennifer!
pc/PH
THE NEW YORK JOURNAL
New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper
Jennifer Sadler
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6870
MEMO
To: All Departments
Fr: Jennifer Sadler, Director, Human Resources
Re: Kate Mackenzie
As my first act as director of Human Resources, I’d like to reinstate Kate Mackenzie to the division. I’m sure you all agree that Kate was sorely missed. Kate will be taking over my former position. Thank you, and welcome back, Kate!
THE NEW YORK JOURNAL
New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper
Security Division
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
MEMO
To: All Personnel
Fr: Security Administration
Re: Persona Non Grata
Persona Non Grata Lift Notification
Please note that the below-named individual has been declassified as Persona Non Grata in 216 W. 57th Street as of the date of this notification.
Name: Kathleen Mackenzie
ID#: 3164-000-6794
Description: (photo attached)
White female, 25 years of age
5 feet, 4 inches, 120-130 lbs.
Blonde hair, blue eyes
The above individual may enter the building freely.
THE NEW YORK JOURNAL
New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper
Features Division
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
MEMO
To: All Departments
Fr: Features Division
Re: Promotion of Jen Sadler
Reinstatement of Kate Mackenzie
We, the undersigned, staff members in the Features Department of theNew York Journal, applaud the promotion of Jen Sadler to the position of Human Resources Director, and the reinstatement of Kate Mackenzie. We hope these brilliant hiring decisions will be followed by yet another: the reinstatement of Ida Lopez as dessert cart operator in the senior-staff dining room.
In the meantime: NO MORE TRUST GAMES!!!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
George Sanchez
Melissa Fuller-Trent
Nadine Wilcock-Salerno
Dolly Vargas
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Can you believe this??
Katydid:
I’m freaking out. I really am. Jen—I have my job back. And you . . . you have the T.O.D.’s job! You are a DIRECTOR! A DIRECTOR!!! You so, so deserve it.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I think you’re going to have to pinch me. I feel like I’m in a dream.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Ow, bitch, that really hurt.
Katydid:
Did you see how she was crying? I felt a little sorry for her.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Sorry for her? After what she did to you? Kate, you are way, way too nice. So where do you want to go to lunch to celebrate? My treat.
Katydid:
Can’t. I have plans already.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
With Loverboy?
Katydid:
No, Dale’s model, actually. I promised I’d go to the Olive Garden with her so we can talk about Dale.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Oh my God. You really ARE too nice.
Katydid:
After work? Drinks at Lupe’s?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
You’re on. No drinks for me, though.
Katydid:
Why? Directors can’t drink?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
No. Pregnant women can’t.
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: You
Oh my God, I’m sure they heard you all the way up in Peter’s office. Would you calm down? I’m trying to keep it under wraps. How thrilled are they going to be when they find out they just promoted a lady who’ll be on maternity leave in seven months? So keep the celebrating to a lower pitch, will you, please?
And yes, of course you can be the godmother.
Jen
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Margaret Hertzog
Re: The News
By now you’ve heard the tragic news. I suppose YOU won’t see what’s so tragic about it. I suppose you’re PROUD that you’re descended from Those People. I suppose you just laughed when you heard, the way your father did.
But believe me, it’s no laughing matter. And it’s killing your brother. I know that you and I haven’t seen eye to eye about much lately, but maybe we can at least agree on this: Your brother needs you, Mitchell. He’s hurting, and quite badly. Can’t you, just for once, do the decent thing, and offer to go with him after work to that cigar bar he likes so much, or maybe take him to play basketball with those friends of yours? You know it was never easy for Stuart to open up to new people—he’s far too sensitive. What few friends he’s had, he’s never managed to keep for very long . . . except, of course, those friends he’s made through work. But of course they can’t afford to alienate him, or they’ll lose their jobs.
But what Stuart needs right now isn’t friends. It’s family. Won’t you, for once in your life, think about someone other than yourself, and help your brother?
I’d ask your sister Stacy, but she said something very rude to me about Stuart over the phone just now. It’s clear she’s in one of her moods.
If you won’t do it for Stuart, Mitch, will you do it for me?
Mother
To: Margaret Hertzog
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: The News
If you’d stop feeling sorry for yourself for half a second, Mom, and take a look around, you might notice something. That’s right. You’re all alone. You’re all alone, because you, like Stuart, have managed to alienate everyone you know, too. For instance, your daughter Janice. Where is Janice, Mom? Do you know? You don’t, do you? That’s because she’s RUN AWAY. No one knows where she is right now. Your youngest child is missing, and all you can seem to think about is the fact that you married a Jew.
Get over it, Mom. For once in your life think about someone other than yourself. And then do us all a favor and GROW UP.
Mitch
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Amy Jenkins
Re: WHERE ARE YOU???
I’ve been calling and calling. Your assistant says you’re on a conference call. Well, get OUT OF IT. Stuart, I’ve bee
n FIRED! FIRED! That bastard brother of yours—I don’t know how he did it—but somehow he got his hands on an e-mail I sent to that bitch Kate—I really thought I’d deleted all the copies, but I guess I forgot the one in mysend file—and he got it to Peter Hargrave who fired me for forgery and insubordination, and Stuart, I HAVE NO JOB!!!! I HAVE NO JOB NOW, and it’s all that bastard Mitch’s fault!
Call me. I’ll be at the gym, trying to work out some of my frustration.
How could they do this to me? Jen, Kate, all of them—after everything I’ve done for them over the years? I’m the best boss any of them ever had! Oh, the ungrateful bitches.
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: You
Amy told me everything.
How you can even show your face in this office today, I can’t imagine. Oh, wait, yes I can, because those are the two things I like least about you: your face(s).
I suppose you thought you’d get away with it. How did you do it, anyway? Ask one of your former low-life clients to break into her office and print out that e-mail yourself? Don’t try to deny it, Amy says she saw your name on last night’s sign-on sheet.
Just what did you hope to prove, anyway? Amy doesn’t remember writing that e-mail. If she did, well then, she simply MADE A MISTAKE. Should she be TERMINATED for that?
I’m sure you think so, because you think Amy was lying.
But I know my love, and I know that she hasn’t a deceitful bone in her body.
There were all sorts of people at that sorry excuse for an office building who were out to get Amy, as well as her job. Any one of them could have forged that document, in order to make Amy look bad. Incompetent employees naturally despise those who call them on their inadequacies. And Amy has never been one to remain silent when she sees an error in need of adjustment. She is as fastidious about her work as she is about staying a perfect size six.
And I for one applaud her.
Oh, but then I happen to have something that you don’t: a heart.
I hope you realize that this is the end of our relationship. Was it worth it? Severing your relations with your own brother, all to get your girlfriend’s job back? So that some old lady can go back to refusing to serve pie to people she resents because they are more successful than she ever has a hope of being? Oh, yeah, you’ve really struck a blow for humanity with this one. Boy, I’ll bet they’ll give you the Nobel fucking prize. Mrs. Lopez got her job making pies back. Yippee! Kate whateverhernameis can go back to filing. Yay!
While one of the kindest, most brilliant, beautiful women in the world is at home right now, sobbing on her treadmill.
I hope that makes you happy.
Oh, but don’t get too excited. Amy won’t be unemployed for long. She’s already been contacted by three headhunters. She’ll be pulling in three times what she was getting at that rag in a matter of weeks.
And if you think this is going to stop me from marrying her, you can just think again. I still intend to marry her, but you—and anyone associated with theJournal —will NOT be welcome at the ceremony. And not just because of what you did last night, either. I’ve let Stacy know that she will not be invited to our nuptials, either. Not after the way the two of you have behaved concerning Janice. Apparently, “alternative lifestyles” are perfectly acceptable to the two of you (I shudder to think what kind of values Stacy is teaching those poor innocent children of hers). Well, same-sex partnerships aren’t acceptable to me, or to my future wife. Janice is a spoiled brat and always has been, and this “Sarah” business is just to get attention from Mom and Dad. The sooner you two realize this, the better.
It pains me to have to say this, but I feel like you’ve left me no other choice: Mitch, I never want to see or speak to you again. Even the thought of working in the same office as you makes me sick. Kindly stay the hell out of my life.
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: You
Right back atcha, buddy.
Mitch
JIFFY-FAX FAX WHILE U WAIT BERKELEY, CA
Dear Mom, Dad, Stuart, Stacy, and Mitch,
Sorry if any of you have been worried about me for the past twenty-four hours. I’m actually fine. I just finally came to a decision about my life, and, well, as soon as I came to it, I decided to put it into action. I didn’t want to wait. But I thought I’d write and let you know that I’m all right. I’m back at Berkeley, actually. I’m with Sarah.
Mom, I know you pulled me out of school because you don’t like Sarah—or don’t like that I love her, I guess, would be more accurate. But a friend of Mitch’s reminded me—Kate, Mitch. She’s really cool. You should try to hang onto her—that Gramps left me some money. I know you always said I wasn’t to touch it, Mom, and that I should save it for a rainy day. But, well, here’s the thing: It’s raining. I’m going to use the money Gramps left me to pay for finishing up school, and then Sarah and me, we’re thinking about starting a kayaking service up in Puget Sound. You know, where the orcas are? Sarah and I just love orcas.
Mom, I know this has probably got you pretty mad, but the fact is, Gramps left me that money for when I turned eighteen, to do with whatever I want. Frankly, I think paying for school where I want to go, and then starting my own business, is exactly what Gramps would have wanted—just like I doubt he minded that Mitch spent his on a trip around the world, or Stacy spent hers on those horses of hers, or that Stuart spent his on . . . Stuart, did you ever even spend yours?
Well, anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’m all right, and no hard feelings, and stuff.
Stuart, I hope I’m still invited to your wedding and all, but if I can’t bring Sarah as my date, I’m not coming.
Dad, call me sometime. You know the number.
Mom. Whatever.
Mitch and Stacy, thanks for everything.
Love to you all,
Sean
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Sean
She fax you a copy of her letter yet? I’m so proud I could burst. I hope she and Sarah DO come to Stuart’s wedding, whether they’re invited or not. You know they’ll be the only couple there worth talking to.
S
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Sean
Fwd: l Re: You
I wouldn’t count on any of us getting invited. Get a load of the forwarded e-mail.
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Sean
No fair! I want Stuart to refuse to speak to me, too! You get all the luck.
FYI, thanks to Sean’s letter, Mom’s taken to her bed. She got somebody to refill her script for Valium.
My question is: Where the hell is Dad? I thought he was supposed to be home by now. Oh well.
Stace
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Vivica
Re: Lunch
Oh my God, it was so nice to meet you! You really are just as cute as your picture. I’m so sorry Dale wouldn’t marry you like you wanted him to. You totally deserve to have a nice husband . . . especially after you traded plates with me (who knew bococino meant cheese?) It’s no joke, being lactose intolerant. I can’t even have sour cream on my potato skins anymore!
I’m sorry you won’t consider being a model. Really, it is just loads of fun. And I’m almost positive Ricardo could get you a gig or two. I mean, maybe notVogue, but like, catalog stuff, or something.
Love,
Viv
Best Way Messenger Service
Envelope for Kate Mackenzie
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
A Note from
Dale Carter of
I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches
Liberation Records
Dear Kate,
Look, Kate, I know I’m not your favorite person in the world right now, but I just want to say thanks for not telling Vivica about how I bit off that guy’s finger. I mean, biting off a guy’s finger, that’s like fighting dirty, and I don’t want Vivica to think I’m a dirty fighter. I mean, the guy DID keep shoving his hand in my mouth, so it wasn’t like I had a choice.