Love Blind

by C. Desir

  “What?”

  Tess chomped her gum a few times and dragged an almost-black chunk of hair behind her ear. “Her parents caught her and her boyfriend in his car in their driveway—”

  “Mira doesn’t have a boyfriend.”

  “Okay. Some guy she met at that Movies in the Park thing,” Tess clarified. It was just like Tess to go from “intrinsic drive” to “Movies in the Park thing.” “Anyway, they freaked and are sending her to Dayton to live with her grandparents for a while. She’s finishing her finals online.”

  I stood up. “Holy crap. We should go say good-bye.”

  Tess shook her head and waved me back down. “Nope. She’s on lockdown from us. Her parents think we’re ‘bad influences’ on her, wouldn’t even let her call us. They’re heading out this afternoon.”

  “How do you know?”

  “She called her cousin and told him to call me.”

  “What a mess.”

  “Yeah. ‘What a mess’ is right.”

  There would be no more band. “What the hell are we gonna do now?”

  My iPad pinged in a text.

  “What the . . .” Tess sat up and squinted at my tablet. “Damn, is he hot, but how big an ego do you need to send someone a pic like this?”

  I leaned forward to see a picture of Chaz at the gym. No shirt. Flexing in front of the mirror. That crazy-sexy grin of pure confidence on his face. “Kind of a weird move, huh?” I asked.

  “If I looked like the female version of that, I’d go everywhere naked.” Tess flopped backward again. “So maybe not all that weird. He wants you to want the goods.”

  My iPad pinged again.

  Chaz: You next?

  He’d continue to hint that the same kind of pictures from me might be fun. I’d continue to ignore the hints. Sending someone a half-naked picture could seriously backfire.

  Tess laughed, able to read the text from ten feet away.

  “I’m ignoring that,” I said.

  Chaz and my regular life didn’t fit, and that was fine. He didn’t have to fit into my everyday. There was really no way he would. Chaz was five years older than me. He’d finished high school three years ago. Keeping him separate was infinitely easier.

  Tess and Mira fit into my everyday. So did Kyle, when I saw him. But Chaz held a wholly different purpose.

  “Oh!” Tess’s booted feet fell to the porch floor, rattling the table where my stuff sat.

  “Oh?”

  “I came to see if you and Kyle wanna do the spider thing today.”

  I had no desire to do the spider thing, but Tess swore it’d be an easy fear to cross off my list.

  Setting my guitar down, I tugged my iPad onto my lap to text Kyle. “I’ll ask.”

  “You know, I sort of hate your list, but today I might enjoy it.”

  “Is that why you’re helping me?” I asked.

  “No. I’m helping ’cause I’m your friend.” She shrugged. “And because it’s going to be a hell of a lot of fun to watch you squirm your way through this one. You should see how the spawn can go nuts over spiders. Like they’re friends.”

  The spawn, or the reason for her job. As a nanny. She’d had it since the beginning of the school year. Why someone was willing to trust Tess with their children was baffling.

  My iPad pinged.

  Kyle: I’m in. I can meet you?

  Meet us? Why not ride with us?

  Hailey: We can pick you up.

  Kyle: That’s okay. Where are we meeting?

  “One of the spawn is with me,” Tess warned.

  “You left him in the car? This long?” I asked.

  Tess waved. “He’s got his tablet, and I cracked the window. I could leave him for two hours before he noticed.”

  “Where do I tell Kyle to meet us?” I asked.

  Tess reached toward my iPad. “I wanna surprise you. Now pretend like you trust me and hand that thing over.”

  Oh, hell.

  I smacked it into her hand and started wrapping up my amp cord to get my stuff in the house. Heaving my guitar over my shoulder and grabbing my amp, I stuck my head inside. “Tess is helping me with the fear list. I’ll be back . . . later.”

  “Make sure you have your phone!” Lila called.

  Of course I had my phone. But instead of being snarky, like I wanted, I brightened my voice as high as I could. “Got it!”

  “Listen to you being all nice with the moms.” Tess grinned, grabbed my arm, and ran me to the car. “Kyle wrote back. He’s meeting us in twenty.”

  “Hi,” I said to the kid in the backseat as I slid in.

  No response. Head buried so deep in his tablet I could’ve been Santa Claus and he wouldn’t have noticed.

  I sat in the passenger’s seat and tapped my foot. The thrill of crossing a new item off the list might not be worth whatever Tess had in mind. How do you tackle a spider fear?

  We listened to music as we drove, and I tried to ignore the loud tablet beeping from the backseat. Tess pulled to a stop. I slowly leaned forward, squinting up at the sign. We were parked in front of a pet store.

  “What . . . ?”

  Tess ran around the car and jerked open my door. “They have great spiders here.”

  My gut dropped to the floor. “Really?”

  “Come on!” She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the car as my body screamed at me to turn and run. But I’d brought the list with me, and it felt wrong to walk away when I was so close.

  She ducked her head into the backseat. “Riley? We’re here. You don’t want to miss this, do you?”

  He slowly ambled out of the car, playing his tablet as he walked.

  “Kyle!” Tess waved. “Awesome!”

  I hated that she saw him before me.

  “Hey,” Kyle said as he got close. Shoved his hands in his pockets. Glanced down, letting his hair fall over his face.

  “So Hailey’s sucked you into her fear list, huh?”

  Kyle shrugged. Typical. He pulled a hand out of his pocket and held open the door.

  “Let me get Riley set up,” Tess said. She marched him over to a bench by the fish and plopped him down. He didn’t glance up once. Kids.

  The smell of rodent poop and cedar bedding accosted my nose. “I don’t like animals,” I said to Kyle.

  He stood in front of a glass case housing kittens. “My mom says she’s allergic.”

  His words sounded tired, frustrated. There was some kind of history there. And he hadn’t said she was allergic, he’d said that she’d told him she was allergic. That was a very bizarre distinction.

  I stood next to Kyle, watching the small bundles of fur crawl over each other and mew with baby-cat voices. “I guess they’re cute. But then they turn into cats that bring home dead mice and birds and stuff.”

  Kyle shifted his weight. “Not indoor cats.”

  “So there ya go. You should get a cat as a present to yourself when you leave home.”

  Kyle’s body went so rigid next to me it almost felt like I was next to someone else.

  “This way, you two!” Tess waved from next to a door with an unreadable sign above it.

  “What are we in for?” Kyle asked.

  My fingers got that numb, tingly thing that happened when a cross-off was close. “We’re going to be able to check the spider thing off my list.”

  “I . . .” But he clamped his mouth shut.

  A guy in a blue polo shirt with flame-red hair and blotchy skin followed us through a doorway into a very small room. I wasn’t normally claustrophobic, but the heat combined with aquariums lining the walls made me wish for space. I hadn’t looked in any of the small cages. I had exactly zero interest in seeing the blurred versions of what lived inside.

  Kyle leaned forward, peering into one of the aquariums. “I’m not afraid of spiders.”

  I rubbed my temples, panic starting to set in. “What even is this room, Tess?”

  Kyle continued. “I sweep spiders into dustpans and set them outsid
e.”

  “So much talking, Kyle. I’d be impressed if I didn’t want to throat punch Tess and run.” I tried to laugh, but it turned into a cough. I blinked my eyes.

  The redheaded guy had something large cradled in his hands. He licked his lips, and then again, and then again. “Okay. So. This is Chewbacca. I named him. ’Cause he has hair and likes—”

  “Yeah.” I nodded, tapping my hips. No beat. Just nerves tapping away. “I got the Star Wars reference.” And wasn’t at all surprised that this guy had named the thing.

  “He’s, um . . . really nice.” He half turned toward the cage and then faced us again.

  “He’s a spider.” I folded my arms, my stomach a mess of knots that I was determined not to show. Tess had definitely called ahead to set this up. In equal parts I wanted to hug and slap her.

  Star Wars boy took another few deep breaths in. “He’s a tarantula and a really nice one. I promise. He’s a funny little guy.” His voice turned all high-pitched and squealy.

  “Is this for real?” Kyle asked.

  “This is perfect, see?” Tess’s voice had an excited edge that fed my nerves. “It’s big enough for you to see, but still small enough to crush under your boot.”

  The kid gasped.

  “Oh. Don’t worry.” Tess chuckled. “You break it, you buy it. We get it.”

  “I don’t think . . .” His head shook so fast it turned into a blur in front of me.

  Tess’s hands went straight to her hips. “I’m about to buy that spider and take it to the spawn of the queen bitch I work for. Do you want me to tell your boss that you lost the sale of Chewbacca because you were worried about a blind girl touching a pet that isn’t yours?”

  He let out a sigh.

  “I don’t need to touch that thing. He’s not on my list.” Kyle backed up.

  “Yeah . . . I don’t think I care about this item on the list.” I shook my head.

  Tess’s hand rested on my shoulder. “Don’t be a wimp, Hailey. You can do this. Spiders are small. You’re always going to be jumpy around them. This way, you’ll have held the mother of all spiders, and—”

  “Chewbacca is actually a male . . . ,” red-haired guy piped in.

  Kyle held his hands out. “Let’s get it over with. I’ll go. Then Hailey can go.”

  I tucked my hand under Kyle’s arm. “I can experience by proxy.”

  “Nice try, Hailey.” Tess snorted. “You’re next.”

  And then this large, fuzzy thing sat on Kyle’s outstretched hands.

  “Woot, Kyle!” I squeezed his bicep. “You can cross this off!”

  “I’d have to add it first.” He shook his head. “I told you I’m not really afraid of spiders—well, maybe not until I saw this one.”

  I watched Kyle harder, wishing the edges of his face and hair were sharper, clearer. If Kyle actually worked his way down a fear list, he’d be something amazing. Someone people would have to take notice of. I guessed that mumbling, shy, quiet Kyle would start to disappear, and whatever would take his place would be pretty awesome.

  The spider began to crawl up Kyle’s arm. “I’m good! I’m good! Take it!” He laughed, though, instead of screeching.

  “Your turn, girlie,” Tess teased.

  I closed my eyes and held out shaking hands, palm side up.

  “You have this,” Kyle whispered.

  “He’s real mellow.” The kid’s hands touched mine, and as they slid away, what felt like a ball of pipe cleaners rested on my palms.

  “Chewbacca.” The word squeaked out. “Holy shit, I’m holding a spider!”

  And then he moved a leg. “He’s moving!” I screeched.

  “Calm, Hailey.” Tess again. “Spiders move. Kyle survived.”

  I stretched my spider-holding hands away from my body. “You-can-take-him-back-now.”

  “I think he can handle you holding Chewy a few minutes longer.” Tess mock punched the guy, but he didn’t move, his eyes trained on me.

  I kept my eyes on the spider, trying to sort out its legs and body, but Chewbacca was still a hideous furry blob. There was no way I was going to wimp out now. I had to cross off something else on my list.

  Chapter Nineteen: Kyle

  There was a very specific moment when Hailey’s face moved from fear and disgust to determination. Not going to be brought down by a tarantula, this girl. The small window let in a bit of sun that shined off her dark blond hair. Her foot tapped the floor in a rhythm or maybe counting down. Hailey would probably never know how hot she was. Even if her eyesight were clear, she wouldn’t be able to see herself the way I saw her.

  One of Hailey’s shoulders hitched. Like she was about to lose it.

  “I think she’s earned her cross-off now,” I said.

  Tess tapped her chin.

  “Ted,” I read off the pimply guy’s name tag. “Take Chewbacca back before he gets tossed across the room, huh?”

  He leapt forward and scooped up the spider. My fear of spiders was the same kind of fear most people had—I got grossed out when one crawled over my arm or something, but it wasn’t like I was plagued by them. Still. To come here and watch this? Worth adding it to the list.

  Hailey threw her arms in the air. “I did it! I held a motherfucking tarantula!”

  “Ooh. That’s a major swear, not even one of the minor ones.” The kid Tess had brought with her stood at the door. “And my tablet’s almost out of batteries. I need to recharge while we take Chewbacca home.”

  Hailey snorted, grabbed my hand, and dragged me from the small room. “I need a pen.”

  “What?”

  She turned, her eyes wide, practically glowing with happiness. Over a spider. “A pen. To cross this off my list.”

  She was still holding my hand. And like a Pavlovian reaction, my palms started to sweat. I jerked my hand from hers and balled my fists in my pockets.

  I borrowed a pen from the checkout girl and handed it to Hailey. “Here.”

  Hailey paused, her gaze ping-ponging from side to side. “Don’t like holding hands, huh?”

  “I sweat,” I blurted out.

  “We all do. It’s a human thing. When I go blind, you’re going to have to get over the sweating hang-up. I’ll need hands.”

  It probably shouldn’t have sounded as dirty to me as it did. But yeah . . . hands.

  Her list was out of her pocket already. She uncapped the pen and sat down on the floor.

  “See, Kyle? I’m in control. The things I’m afraid of, they’re nothing. I can do this. Best feeling ever.” She crossed it out a few times. “Aren’t you gonna sit?”

  I glanced around and thought about pointing out we were in a pet store, but of course she knew, and of course she didn’t care.

  As soon as my ass hit the ground next to her, Hailey held the pen toward me. “Your turn. Add it, Kyle. Cross it off. Feel the rush. Feel the control.”

  “You sound like a Sprite commercial.” I pulled my list from my back pocket.

  Her hands clapped together, and I smiled. A real, actual smile.

  “You’re so cute when you’re smiling.” She pinched my cheek.

  My smile disappeared. “I’m not a toddler.”

  Her hand dropped and I felt like a dick, but this was not exactly the kind of territory I wanted to be in with Hailey. If I couldn’t date her, at least I could be on the same level with her, not some project or little boy to be praised.

  I flattened my list on the floor, feeling selfishly safe from Hailey being able to see it. Crossing off something on my list should feel . . . big. Instead it was a line on a piece of paper over an item I’d just written.

  Being here with Hailey? Outside of school? With a friend of hers? That was bigger. Better. Should’ve probably written that.

  The second I crossed out my newly added item, Hailey asked, “You mark it off?”

  God, her eyes were shit. I nodded, and her arms wrapped around me. Not like I was a kid. Like I was more. My hands took too long to react, a
nd she was gone and standing before I thought to tell my body to hug her back.

  “I gotta get the spawn home,” Tess said, waving the tablet around.

  I stood, cock-blocked by my own stupid self and some kid who needed his tablet recharged.

  “Stop calling me that,” the kid said, clutching a box, which I could only assume held the beast we’d touched. “I wanna get Chewbacca home so I can play with him.”

  I waited for something in Hailey to shift when the kid said he wanted to touch the spider she’d been afraid of, but it never came. Maybe it was just me who thought my fears might be shit.

  “Kyle. I can’t believe you did this.” Hailey bumped her shoulder against mine. “I love that you did this.”

  I loved that I’d done it too. With her. But I didn’t have words. Words for her smile. Her broken eyes. Her excitement over a piece of paper. I wanted more of it. Of her. But it wasn’t my place. Not yet. But maybe when I got farther down the list. Maybe when I started doing real stuff.

  “Offer’s still open,” Hailey whispered, and raised her eyebrows. The sex thing again. “You know. Cross off something else? It’s kind of a rush, yeah?”

  And then what? She’d go and do it with her bouncer too? “I’m . . . I’m not the guy for that, Hailey.”

  I hated that I’d said the words. Hated even more that I’d only half meant them. Hated that I should have had better words to explain. Of course I did have better words, but getting them out was completely different.

  “Fair enough.” She shook her list a few times between us. “But another thing done! Nothing can bring me down today.”

  “Hailey! For real,” Tess said. “You’re worse than the spawn when he levels up on Candy Crush.”

  “Take it back, bitch!” Hailey yelled back.

  “Um . . .” That Ted guy stopped next to Hailey. “Can you please not curse in the store?”

  “Oh.” Hailey slapped her hands over her mouth. But she was definitely smirking. “Fuck. I’m so sorry.”

  This time I made myself reach out and grab her arm. “Okay. Before Tess kicks both our asses or we’re banned from this store for life.”

  Hailey laughed again as I pulled her toward the door.

  “That’s right, Kyle! It takes two of us to manage a Hailey,” Tess said. And then she and the spawn were out the door with Hailey and me right behind her.