Love Blind

by C. Desir

  “Not spiders,” Tess promised. “And it’ll be a hell of a lot better than losing your virginity to Chaz in the greenroom.”

  She was correct on that count. It certainly couldn’t be worse.

  Tess stopped her car by the community center near her house.

  “What are we doing here?”

  “I’ve got swimsuits. We’re getting in the water.”

  I shook my head. “No way. Not in the dark.”

  “No one else is here, Hailey.” Tess even used her best no-bullshit voice. “I pulled a lot of strings to get us an in.”

  “What kind of strings?”

  She sighed. “Flipped up my shirt for the new lifeguard, okay?”

  I scoffed and got out of the car. “Guys are so easy.”

  Unless they’re really not interested . . .

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  I sat on the edge of the pool, resting my feet in the water. This was what I’d always done at the pool. Kicking in the water was fine. Being in deep enough that my body could pull me under and suffocate me? Not so cool.

  Tess did another somersault in the chlorinated water. The empty bleachers stretched out on one side. The lights reflected off and in the water. The edges of everything blurred together, which was what had always made me paranoid. How would I know which way was up when I was underwater? How would I get air if I couldn’t tell?

  “Now slide down one step, okay?” Tess said.

  The steps were small, made for children, and the full width of the pool. I slipped down one, letting my butt rest in the water, and then another, sinking in to my belly button, and then another, which reached the top of my chest.

  I focused on breathing. On realizing that my shoulders weren’t underwater. No one was around to push me. I was okay.

  “How about we stop for the night?” Tess suggested. “Sit there for a few or something.”

  “And who will you flash to get us in here again?” I teased, still staring at the water, trying to make out the point where the air ended and the water began.

  No luck.

  “Nice one, Hailey.” Tess snorted. “But I might kind of like the lifeguard, so we’ll see. . . .”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah. Maybe. Who knows.”

  I breathed through my nose. If I could sit underwater, I’d feel like I could cross this off, but I couldn’t do it. How could I suddenly be so paranoid that I couldn’t jump in and get this done?

  Tess’s blurry face bobbed up and down in deeper water.

  I didn’t want to feel like my fear was pathetic, but sitting on the edge of the kiddie steps, with my friend doing underwater somersaults, it was hard not to.

  I hated admitting the Chaz thing had really knocked me down, though maybe not as much as the Kyle thing. I had to get out of my own head. Was this what it was like to be Kyle? Maybe I needed notebooks.

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  Since I was obviously not smart enough to make decisions regarding relationships, I decided to remain single until at least the end of junior year. I’d marked sex and tongue-kissing off the list, and really didn’t want another Chaz mess, or pissed-off moms, or another doctor examining me in stirrups only to say that I was lucky enough to have joined the millions of people across the world with HPV. Apparently condoms aren’t one hundred percent on that front. Damn lazy health teacher.

  Yes. My summer was going that well. I’d made it to standing in the pool about shoulder deep, and every time I stood there, I thought that would be the day I’d let the water cover me, and every day, I ended up back on the steps.

  I’d turned into a chicken, and I hated that more than anything else in my life. School was about to start, and I still didn’t feel like I could cross this one thing off my list. Pathetic.

  Chapter Twenty-Three: Kyle

  Two weeks into my senior year, I saw her. Sort of inevitable now that we were on the same campus, but I was taking classes at Concordia University half my days, so I thought I could maybe avoid her. Too many days had passed. Weeks. Time.

  In the hallway, she looked at me long and hard. Her messed-up eyes finally dropped to my feet.

  “Acquaintance Kyle, who became Friend Kyle, who became Drop-the-Ball Kyle. You’re still wearing the shoes?” A corner of her mouth twitched like she wanted to smile. God, I wanted her to smile.

  Her hair was split into two braids behind her ears. Guitar strapped to her back and no makeup—simple Hailey. I wanted to say all the things to her. All the things my brain had been processing over the summer. But nothing came.

  “Ah. So we’re back to the not-talking?”

  “H-How was your summer?” I stammered.

  “Lonely. Mira stayed with her grandparents, and her parents sent her to Culver Academy this year so she could ‘get serious’ about music. Tess nannied the spawn for Queen B. And, well, I haven’t talked to Chaz. So yeah, me and the moms and music on the porch. Pretty much.”

  I nodded. It was excruciating seeing her. Every minute I’d spent with her last year darted around my head, poking me with all the good things we could have been and reminding me that all I had left was shit.

  “Okay, then. Nice not-talking to you.” She moved past me, and I grabbed her wrist.

  She blinked up at me. “Yes?”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “I can’t hear you.”

  “I’m sorry, Hailey. I messed up. You came to me as a friend. I’m sorry. I screwed it up.” What the hell was I doing? I should’ve let her walk away, but her face and the childish braids and her stupid purple glasses . . . I could not let go of her.

  “You did,” she said. Her bottom lip quivered, and I squished my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see her cry and know why she was doing it.

  “I’m a shitty friend. Ask Pavel.”

  She shook her head. “You weren’t a shitty friend. Well, you kinda were the last time I saw you, but you weren’t before that. I was probably asking too much, huh? Or maybe telling you too much.”

  “Can we start over? Please.” God, why did I even ask? She deserved better than me. But I couldn’t watch her walk away again.

  She scrubbed her eyes and nodded. “Okay,” she finally said, and I released the breath I was holding. “Okay.”

  Then there was silence. The silence of expectation. Her waiting for me to tell her why I pulled away. Me unwilling to say the words that rammed against my lips. That clawed at my brain until I nearly shook from the pressure. I’m interested in you, Hailey.

  People passed us in the hall. Nodded at Hailey, ignored me. I needed to go to class. So did Hailey. Instead we stood with the giant boulder of unspoken words between us until finally Hailey caved and let me off the hook.

  “How’d you do with the list this summer?”

  I swallowed. The list. Safe territory for us. Mostly. “Well, I’ve been trying to talk to Pavel. It hasn’t really worked, but at least I’ve tried.”

  “He still reading Cosmo and asking you about ‘the ladies’?”

  I nodded.

  She hooked her arm into mine and steered me down the hall. Like we were friends. Like nothing had happened. The rush of relief overwhelmed me, and I had to stop to catch my breath. Because it was so Hailey to stare down the pink elephant between us and move right past it like it meant nothing.

  “Cosmo’s a good thing,” she said as I dipped to take a drink of water from the fountain. “Cosmo means he’s okay, I think.”

  I snorted. “That’s weird, but you’re probably right.”

  “Have you seen the girl? History Girl, who found you at the library?”

  Jesus, when had I said all this to Hailey? And how did she remember it? “We have Calc together.”

  Hailey grinned. “Perfect. So this week, get her number.”

  “Uh.”

  She twirled me around and clutched my shoulders, inches from me, cinnamon breath in my face. I wanted to taste her, lick to see if the cinnamon flavored her lips. “Get her frickin’ number, Kyle. I
know you can do it. Even if you have to fake it and pretend it’s so you can be study buddies or whatever. If she likes you, you should do something about it.”

  I nodded. Hailey was pushing me toward another girl. A girl more right for me. Probably. A girl who hadn’t lost her virginity to a bouncer. I nodded again.

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  Friend Kyle,

  I looked for you today after school but didn’t find you at the radio station. I was told by the Man in Charge that you no longer worked afternoon shifts because of college. You are evidently going to college while still in high school? This is very cool and sort of weird, but maybe perfect. I almost think you can mark the college thing off your list. Because you’re going. So there’s that.

  I am corresponding with your email because I have important things to say and don’t think a dialogue would work after this morning’s not-talking.

  I have forgiven you for the summer bail. I imagine my news about Chaz was a bit disconcerting, even though you are NOT interested in me. I occasionally forget that you are a guy and likely don’t want to hear about other dudes boning me. If it’s any consolation, your general disapproval of the entire event pales in comparison to the judgment I’ve laid on myself about it. So it goes.

  I have added to my list and am hoping you have too. I would like us to share where we are and make a REAL commitment to knocking these things off before you leave for actual college next year.

  My moms would like to have you over for dinner. They evidently are of the opinion that I have done you wrong and think it perhaps is a good idea for amends to be made. Friday at 6. Vegan tacos. My moms are awesome cooks, but if you’re a carnivore, you might want to eat something meaty first.

  It was a very difficult summer. More than you know. I take partial responsibility for our estrangement. I could have gone to you. This not-talking thing won’t happen to us again. Life can be shit, but I think we’re good for each other. Please agree.

  In earnestness,

  Hailey

  I rewrote my response to her ninety-seven times. Deleted. Rewrote. Deleted. Rewrote. Called Pavel. Laughed at his crappy advice. He’d bought that book The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing Mr. Right and insisted that I wait to respond until next week since I wasn’t given a three-day advance warning on the dinner invite. I snorted and hung up on him.

  Girl-Band Hailey,

  Friday is fine. I have a few new things on my list. And yes, we are good for each other.

  K

  Right after I hit send, my mom came home. I met her in the kitchen and she offered a tired smile. Good day, then.

  I started to unload the dishwasher and she helped, still wearing her scrubs.

  “I’ve got this,” I mumbled.

  “You’ve grown up so fast. I wish things had been easier for you. For us.”

  “It’s been fine, Mom. We’re fine.”

  She stacked a few plates and slid them into the cabinet. “No, it really hasn’t, Kyle. It’s been a lot of work and struggle.”

  Her words bore down on me. I wasn’t even sure she realized the things she said and how they could be like tiny needles piercing my skin. I bit back my immediate retort.

  “I’m having dinner with a friend on Friday.”

  “Pavel?”

  “No.”

  Then I waited for her to ask. Waited for some little olive branch to spring up between us, but she went back to unloading glasses and I took the silverware and didn’t say anything else.

  Chapter Twenty-Four: Hailey

  I stood by the pool with Tess while one of the two spawn ran to the changing room. Last of the outdoor swim practices for the season.

  “So, you’ve seen Kyle and survived,” she said.

  I stared at the water. The kids were gone. Parents sat outside on the bleachers waiting. Every time the smallest breeze came by, the surface of the water became visible again in the ripples.

  Who was I to ask Kyle about his list when I couldn’t cross this one thing off mine?

  “Hailey?” Tess asked.

  “I can do this.” Sliding my list from my pocket, I rested it in Tess’s hands.

  I sat down and grabbed the side of the pool.

  Anyone else would have told me to stop or to change or something.

  “You got this, Hailey,” Tess whispered as she crouched next to me. “Do it before you think too much, or before you get caught.”

  Shoes and all, I held my breath, slipped into the pool, and let myself sink until my ass hit the bottom. The water burned my eyes, but I was underwater. Slipping my glasses from my face, I let out a few bubbles, which echoed in my ears. Moving my arms back and forth, I shifted my whole body. How had I been afraid of this? I felt weightless, strong. I pushed off the bottom and held the side of the pool again.

  “Woot!” Tess yelled. “You made it!”

  “You can’t go in the pool like that!” someone shouted.

  I held up my middle finger, having no idea which direction to point.

  Like most things on my fear list, this would have been nothing for so many people. Even for the little kids who swam on the peewee team, but for me? I’d finally remembered what it was like to jump in and do something new.

  And like that, my mojo was back. My fear list would be conquered.

  “We still gotta pick up the other spawn.” Tess laughed. “Hopefully I have dry clothes in the car.”

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  I’d changed in Tess’s car. Her sleep shirt with I WOKE UP LIKE THIS printed on the front and a pair of leggings she sometimes used under her skirts. My bra was still wet, and so were my shoes, but I wasn’t about to go without either.

  The soccer fields were a sea of green with colored, moving spots. I’d fail as a nanny on day one and probably go home with the wrong kid.

  “I can’t believe you’re still a nanny.” I laughed and poked her side.

  “Whatever.” Tess stepped up on a bench in her standard black and scanned the soccer field for spawn two.

  Spawn one had his tablet poised in front of him and slowly sat as Tess tried to find his brother.

  I stood next to her and pretended I could make sense of the small blobs on the enormous field. I could see well enough to know there were a lot of goal nets, which probably equaled a lot of people and places to look.

  “Nannying pays for the gas, and I can eat all the snacks and soda I want after school. And Queen B doesn’t care how I dress because she thinks it’s a cultural thing, and that her kids should be exposed to all cultures.” A snort followed that statement. Leave it to Tess to find something good in someone else’s ignorance or overzealous parenting.

  “Want help looking for the kid?” I teased.

  “Funny.” She sighed. “There are, like, six different fields out here. I don’t know which one he’s at today.”

  A guy near us was kicking and bouncing a soccer ball—off his head, on his knee, the other knee, foot. . . . I couldn’t see the ball well, but it made these awesome blurs around his body without touching the ground.

  He stopped and caught the ball. “You like?” Big eyes. Strong legs. Not bad. Pale skin. Accent, but I sucked with accents, so I couldn’t even guess where he was from. Eastern Europe? Russia?

  “It’s cool. Are you showing off?” I asked.

  “Yes. I’m Pavel.”

  “No way. The Pavel?” I jumped off the bench to get closer, to try and see him better. The moms were about to win the fight on when my next eye appointment would be. He nodded.

  “Kyle’s Pavel?” I squinted and leaned toward him a bit farther, but he smelled like a guy who’d been running in two-day-old soccer gear, so I backed off.

  “I know Kyle,” he said. He nodded, determined and sure, as if all was good with the world. Kyle was right. He seemed a lot less fucked up than Kyle did. Huh.

  “I’m Hailey.” I stuck out my hand.

  “The gorgeous lady with glasses.”

  “Hey, Kyle said I was gorgeous? That was co
ol of him.” All of my Hailey confidence had been found again after the leap into the pool. I got a stern lecture from the pool manager, but I didn’t care anymore. That item was crossed off my list.

  “Yes, and you are now friends again after his sad, negative-thinking summer?”

  I nodded. “We’re friends.”

  “But he has not found your G-spot? It’s not a myth, you know. It’s part of the clitoris.”

  Pavel was even better than Kyle said. “Dude. You can’t say stuff like that to girls. Not right away, at least. And Kyle and I are nothing like that.”

  He frowned. “He has not listened to my advice.”

  I grinned. “Guess not. He’s coming to hang with the moms tonight. And this is an awesome coincidence because I was going to tell Kyle that we had to meet. It’s even better that we met without him. I’m sure it’ll come up later at a really bad time.”

  I started planning the timing on my I met Pavel and he asked about my G-spot for full dramatic effect.

  “Good.” Pavel nodded, the soccer ball tucked under an arm. “Tell him to think positive.” He even gave me a thumbs-up and a determined face to go with it.

  I laughed because what the hell else do you do when someone busts out a slogan like that? “Keep up with Cosmo, Pavel. Maybe we’ll run into you later on purpose.”

  “We’ll see you, Hailey.” He turned and jogged back out to the kids he was helping.

  “Who the hell was that?” Tess frowned.

  “Friend of Kyle’s.” I squinted to see if Pavel was hanging with anyone his own age, or if he was chasing the little kids around. He was far enough away that I couldn’t tell.

  “I still don’t get your fascination with Kyle.” She shook her head, but there wasn’t enough irritation in her voice for me to take her seriously.

  “He gets the list, he’s more fucked up than me, and he’s decided to come back for more. All good traits.”

  Tess pointed off in the distance. “I found the twerp.”

  “All right. I don’t like kids, so I’m gonna head home now that we’re closer to my house, and had our walk and girl bonding time, whatever that means. Have fun with your adopted children.” I turned and started back toward the road.