by L. J. Dee
We were seated in our favourite booth at the back of the restaurant, sliding into the red leather seats as Chas put my favourite three songs on the original Wurlitzer jukebox and we sang along, chomping away on our burgers and laughing at Dex’s recollections of his day at school.
Apparently ‘Jonah was a bully and had hit Sally’, pronounced ‘Thally’ by Dex on account of his slight lisp. ‘Thally had told the teacher and Jonah the bully was banned from the Lego for the whole of lunchtime’. Dex had tried to ‘thtick’ up for ‘Thally’ but Jonah had pushed him too, so he’d followed aunty Chas’s advice and pushed him back. I told him he should have told the teacher like Sally had, until I was reliably informed by my very wise five year old that ‘nobody likes a ‘thnitch’. I couldn’t help but laugh.
We were almost done when he announced he needed the bathroom. He didn’t like going into the ladies anymore because he was ‘big now’ so Chas offered to take him and wait outside the gent’s. I sat back reflecting on his father, lost in my sadness and not noticing the two tall figures at the edge of the table who were both grinning broadly as I turned and gasped.
“Lucas, Charlie, w-what are you doing here?” I stammered, shocked and stunned, following Lucas’s eyes around the table as he counted the three plates, his smile fading slightly as I swallowed hard. Oh god, I really didn’t want this, not today.
He bent to kiss me full on the mouth, my body melting into the soft strong contact, but my head was spinning and my heart was pounding. Dex. Shit. How the hell was I going to explain this one? I prayed he needed a ‘poop’ and would be in the bathroom for considerably longer.
“Charlie and I were heading out and I just passed on the off chance, wondering if this was the place. I wanted to give you your birthday gift,” he smiled, but he knew from my face there was something terribly wrong. His smile soon turned to a frown, following my gaze across the restaurant, but I couldn’t see Chas. There was nothing I could do now.
“I thought it was just you and Chas,” Lucas said, eyeing the plate next to me, gazing intently into my eyes and he was searching my face for a clue. I closed my eyes, hearing the words “Mummy, mummy, mummy,” echo through the almost empty restaurant.
My beautiful blond haired boy was running and bounced up on my knee, informing me that he’d ‘been all by himself and washed his hands’. I pulled him towards me, tightly and protectively, whispering “Good boy” and opening my eyes to the stunned, shocked faces of Lucas, Charlie and Chas who were all stood by the booth just staring at me.
Lucas was running his fingers through his hair, blinking rapidly and lost for words as the colour drained from his face. I could almost see the judgements forming in his brain. I could take them from everyone else, but from him it would be worse. It was Charlie who broke the unbearable tension.
“Hi little fella, do you want to shoot some pool?” he asked, smiling at Dexter and pointing over to the table in the corner as my little boy shook his head.
“No thank you, I don’t know who you are,” he said firmly, making me laugh and pushing back the tears that were welling in my eyes.
“Well, I’m Charlie and I’m your mum’s friend and Chas’s. Maybe I could be your friend too,” he said kindly, holding out his hand. Dex took it and shook it like a man.
“I’m Dex. Can I go and play pool with Charlie, Mummy?” he asked brightly, looking up at me as I nodded.
“I’ll go too,” said Chas, smiling and nodding at me. She had no doubt noticed the fierce look on Lucas’s face and wanted to be as far away from the fall out of this particular bombshell as she could be.
As they made their way over to the pool table, Lucas slid into the booth opposite me, his eyes burning into mine and still running frustrated fingers through his inky black hair, making it ruffled and soft and as sexy as sin.
He was raging. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you had a son?” he growled, his voice deep and low and I could tell he was trying to control it as the tears threatened again.
“Why do you think?” I asked, trying to hold it together under his piercing glare.
“I have absolutely no idea,” he said, seeming genuinely puzzled as I shook my head incredulously.
“Really? Look at how you’re reacting, Lucas. You’d already judged me and assumed that I was sleeping with my boss before you’d even met me. Everyone judges me for having a five year old kid at my age and don’t say you’d have been any different because you wouldn’t. You’d have branded me stupid or a slut without a second thought, without giving me a chance and without getting to know me,” I said, his hurt look knocking the breath from my lungs as he shook his head firmly.
“I wouldn’t, Jessica,” he said unconvincingly, but I knew I was right on this one.
“Yes you would, Lucas. You can deny it now because we’ll never know for sure, but I saw the look on your face. It was the same prejudice I’ve always had. I love my boy and I need to build a future for us, to make something of our lives and to give him the best start I can. He hasn’t got a father so he’s already missing a major piece of the jigsaw. If I can’t make that happen because no one will give me a chance, then what hope is there for him?” I said as calmly as I could manage, unable to help the tears escaping silently from my eyes.
He held out his hands to me but I couldn’t take them.
“I’m sorry for reacting that way, Jess. I’m not judging you, it was just one hell of a fucking shock,” he said, still clearly stunned at my not so little revelation.
“Answer me this, Lucas. Would you have gone into partnership with me knowing that I had a son?” I asked, trying in vain to swallow back the tears.
He looked down at the table and there it was, we both knew. “No, you’d have judged me, fired me, definitely not fucked me and moved on with your life.” He looked genuinely pained with my words as he lifted his gaze to meet mine. Not because they weren’t true, but because they were.
I felt bad and I knew why. I already cared, really cared about Lucas Hunter, my voice softening as I wiped away my tears. “Perhaps I should have told you, Lucas, especially after yesterday, but I’d never introduce a man into Dex’s life that I wasn’t totally serious about and who wasn’t totally serious about me, so there was no reason you needed to know. If this changes your thoughts on either partnership, I’ll walk away. I won’t tie you to those contracts, but I’ll be back to being your PA. I can’t quit the job and I hope you understand why. I need to protect him,” I said, trying to smile, but I couldn’t. Lucas just stared at me, looking deep into my eyes as if all his answers lay within them.
The lights dimmed and the music struck up as Lucas continued to stare and I didn’t even notice the waitress at the side of the booth with my favourite chocolate cheesecake stuffed with twenty two yellow candles. Dex came bounding across followed closely by Charlie and Chas. It was the strangest, most half hearted rendition of ‘happy birthday’ I had ever witnessed, hanging in the tense, awkward air as she forced a tight smile, hastily put the cake on the table and got the hell out of there. I was envious of her.
Dex climbed onto my knee, blowing out the candles and looked up, smiling proudly before his little face dropped and he was pulling his most serious frown.
“Why are you crying, Mummy, I don’t see any onion? Is it because daddy died on your birthday?” he asked as I buried my face in his hair, showering his little head with kisses.
“Yeah” I said. He’d seen that before and it was something he understood. I wasn’t about to start telling him the truth about this crazy mixed up mess.
“Can I have nookie, Mummy?” Dex asked suddenly as we all stared at him aghast, except Chas who was laughing.
“What, Dex?” I gasped, unsure that I’d actually heard him correctly.
He pointed at the cake. “When you told Aunty Chas you really liked your boss, she said you couldn’t have nookie with him. I asked you what nookie was and you said chocolate cheesecake,” he announced in a matter-of-fact tone as if I was
the idiot here. I grabbed him a slice, just to shut him up, flushing furiously as Charlie burst out laughing.
I risked a glance at Lucas who somehow just seemed sadder than ever.
The waitress had returned, quickly handing the bill to Chas and no doubt wondering what the hell was going on in our booth. I knew Lucas was still staring at me as intensely as he was before, but I couldn’t look at him, turning to Chas instead.
“Just pay the bill, Sis, I need to get out of here,” I muttered, sniffing loudly and trying desperately to stem the flow of tears that were racing unbridled down my cheeks. She all but slammed the little red plastic tray into Lucas’s solid chest.
“You can get this, dickwad, and thanks for ruining my sisters birthday,” she spat before throwing a hugely charming smile at Charlie and marching towards the exit as Dex and I shuffled out of the booth and followed her.
“Jesus bro, I didn’t fucking expect that,” I heard Charlie say as we left, but I didn’t hang around long enough to hear Lucas’s reply.
The walk home was interminable with Chas calling him every name under the sun.
“He stopped by to drop off my birthday present, Chas; it’s hardly the crime of the century. This is my fault,” I said as she stopped me in my tracks.
“Don’t you dare fucking defend him,” she shouted as I glowered at her.
“Aunty Chas said fu--” I put my hand over Dexter’s mouth before he went any further.
We continued home in silence, the last thing I needed was a row with my sister. She was on my side after all, but I couldn’t get the vision of Lucas’s sad blue eyes out of my mind. Moreover, I had no idea what happened next with the job, the partnership and with the man who in a matter of days had turned my world upside down.
He called me relentlessly and I assumed it was him ringing the doorbell for the next hour, but I didn’t answer it. I curled up on the couch as Chas poured the wine and snuggled up next to me.
“I’ve been thinking, Jess,” she said softly. “Did you tell him where you were going tonight?” I shook my head.
“No I just said a diner near where I lived,” I sighed as she nodded.
“That means he made an effort to seek you out and see you on your birthday. I didn’t have him down as that type. He’s given you this partnership and he’s really trying. He’s called your phone and tried the door non-stop since the restaurant. That’s really unusual for men like that; maybe he isn’t like the others. Perhaps you’re wrong about him,” she smiled and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m not the one who thinks he’s a dickwad, Chas. You are as you keep telling him. I’ll speak to him tomorrow. I’ve given him the option to pull out of the partnership and before you say anything, it’s the right thing to do,” I said firmly as she opened her mouth to speak and then shut it again.
“All I’m saying is that maybe he deserves a chance to explain his shitty reaction, it must have been a shock for him,” she smiled, for some reason continually checking her phone.
“Yeah I know, Chas, and he’ll get one, just not right now, okay,” I replied. As far as I was concerned that was subject closed.
“What’s he giggling about?” she smiled, looking at Dex who was staring out of the window, laughing and nodding.
“That man from the restaurant is outside, pulling funny faces at me,” Dex laughed as I walked to the window to see Lucas leaned against his sleek black Bentley looking utterly glorious and staring up at my window. I opened it and his words were out before I had the chance to speak.
“I’m just trying to tell Dexter that I’ll buy him a new bike if his mummy comes to talk to me,” he shouted at the top of his lungs. Too late, Dexter had heard it too. He had to be kidding me; I would never hear the end of it now.
“The man’s a genius,” laughed Chas as I shut the window trying to calm down an extremely excited Dex who was screeching, “Please Mummy, please talk to the nice man,” over and over again. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kill him or kiss him right now, but either way Dex would make my ears bleed with pestering if I didn’t get down there.
“Go,” Chas smiled at me. “Just talk to him and give him a chance to explain,” she said. “Stay out if you need to. I’m off tonight and I’ll sort Dex tomorrow,” she said, having clearly had a change of heart about Lucas and I couldn’t help but notice she was texting someone.
“Who’s that?” I asked as she shut her phone suspiciously and I didn’t need to be a genius to guess. Charlie. Christ, they were all ganging up on me and I left the apartment with the sounds of a very excited child ringing in my ears.
“That’s irresponsible, Lucas,” I said, walking across to the car as he opened the door for me to get in.
“Desperate measures,” he replied without apology. “We don’t have to go anywhere if you don’t want to, but I’d rather talk this through at my apartment,” he said seriously as I nodded. He wasn’t asking twice as I wondered if the Mr Nice Guy act to Dex had been just that. There was nothing nice about the look on his face as he wove through the thick London traffic. He was as silent as me, radiating a thinly veiled anger and I wasn’t certain what was at the root of it.
Perhaps it was the fact that I’d withheld such an important piece of information or maybe he wasn’t used to being ignored. Either way, the journey was interminable and desperately uncomfortable and I was beginning to wish I’d just stayed at home.
He was troubling me now. His demeanour had changed so much in the car that he was barely recognisable, offering me a tight smile as he showed me into his beautiful penthouse apartment. Ordinarily it would have me giddy with excitement, but something was off, his fists balled into tight circles, the vein pulsing madly in the side of his neck.
“Sit down, Jess,” he said, showing me to a huge couch in the centre of the lounge as I frowned up at him, but he took little notice. “Can I get you a drink?” he asked, unable to meet my gaze as my stomach lurched. He could barely look at me.
“Are you mad?” I asked as he took a seat opposite me in a large white chair, shaking his head. “You’re lying, Lucas,” I said firmly, holding his gaze as he stared at me hard.
“You’re going to sit there and talk to me about lying?” he uttered sarcastically as I rose to leave. He’d pleaded with me to come here and I was certainly not in the mood for this.
“Sit down,” he barked as I turned a stunned and horrified glare on him, softening his features momentarily as I held my ground.
“I’m not your submissive here, Lucas, so let’s get that straight. I promised you honesty and you got it; the most insightful, deepest knowledge of my body and desires that anyone has ever known. I filled in that questionnaire, answering things I’d never even thought about in an effort to please you and show you I could do this. I wanted you, Lucas. I didn’t know this was part of the deal, but I did that for you, every question, no matter how humiliated or ashamed I felt about it. I opened myself up in a way I have never done. You got everything that was relevant to ‘us’ – Dexter isn’t. He is not part of our deal,” I spat as he rose, walking towards me, frowning slightly, his eyes filled with a pain I couldn’t comprehend as he took my arm, urging me to sit as he sat beside me.
“I know, Jess,” he smiled as I shook my head.
“No, Lucas, you don’t. I’ve tried to take it in my stride because it’s who you are and I want that, I really do. Part of me knows it will be incredible, another part is terrified. I’ve been with one man before you and I was little more than a kid myself. It’s been hard enough trying to voice my concerns about this without throwing Dexter into the mix. And don’t tell me you wouldn’t have judged me, Lucas, because you can be a real judgemental bastard,” I said, taken aback by his soft laughter, the last response I’d been expecting to that particular insult.
“You’re never going to let me forget that, are you?” he smiled as I stared at the floor, trying to distract myself from those cobalt blue eyes that were twinkling dangerously as he took my hand, sof
tly grazing his thumb across my knuckles. I needed to get this out.
“I won’t let anyone into Dex’s life until it’s the right time, Lucas, so you had no need to know about him. We have an arrangement sexually and I understand if you no longer wish to proceed with that or the business arrangement, but as far as I’m concerned our lives are compartmentalised. If I remember correctly, it was you who suggested that. There is no need for them to overlap. You haven’t asked me for a traditional relationship, so I didn’t even think it was an issue. I would have told you eventually, but just not yet.”
“When?” he asked, frowning deeply.
“I don’t know. You’re a control freak, Lucas, I get that. Jesus, when I saw that contract I was surprised you weren’t telling me what I could eat and wear and when I had to go to bed. I’m giving you control of one part of my life, but you don’t get all of it and that’s something you’ll have to deal with. You’ll never have it all,” I said seriously as he regarded me intensely for a moment.
“I could have asked for control of those things, Jess. I usually like to have control over much more than we’ve agreed on, but you’re new to this so I tried to go easy,” he said as I scoffed a half laugh.
“Well, for the record, a five page questionnaire about butt plugs and ball gags and fantasy rape isn’t that subtle,” I said as he laughed again, tracing a finger gently down my cheek.
“And that’s why you’re so damn precious, baby. I can’t believe you didn’t even specify any hard limits,” he smirked as I frowned at him, looking into his eyes that were searching mine. I flushed lightly before gazing at the floor and wondering yet again if my naivety might be about to land me in a whole heap of trouble I hadn’t anticipated.
I needed to be honest. “How am I supposed to know what I don’t like, Lucas? I’ve never done any of those things. When I think about being whipped or flogged I panic, but when I watched you do it to that girl, I wanted to be her. I wished it was me there with you that day. However scary it feels, the thought of doing it with you makes it okay, and I have my safe word. I trust you, Lucas, but I can’t give you any more.”
