The Portable Machiavelli

by Niccolo Machiavelli

  TIMOTEO: Welcome, sir!

  LIGURlO: Louder!

  TIMOTEO: Welcome!!!

  NICIA: I’m glad to be here.

  TIMOTEO: What brings you here?

  NICIA: I’m fine, thanks.

  LIGURIO: Talk to me, father, for him to hear you, you’d have to bring down the square!

  TIMOTEO: What do you seek of me?

  LIGURIO: Messer Nicia here, and another fine gentleman whom you will hear about later, have several hundreds of ducats to distribute as alms.

  NICIA: Oh, blood and shit!

  LIGURIO (to Messer Nicia): Shut up, damn it—we won’t give him much. Father, don’t be surprised at what he says. He doesn’t hear, but sometimes he thinks he does and answers without making sense.

  TIMOTEO: Go on and let him say what he wishes.

  LIGURIO: Of these alms, I have a portion with me, and they have decided that you are the man to distribute them.

  TIMOTEO: I shall be happy to do so.

  LIGURIO: But before we give you the money, you must help us with a strange case concerning Messer Nicia; only you can help us. It is a question concerning the honor of his entire household.

  TIMOTEO: Tell me about it.

  LIGURIO: I don’t know if you know Camillo Calfucci, Messer Nicia’s nephew.

  TIMOTEO: Yes, I know him.

  LIGURIO: A year ago he went to France on some business. Having lost a wife earlier, he left his daughter in the care of a convent—whose name I’d rather not divulge now. TIMOTEO: What happened?

  LIGURIO: What happened was that either because of the carelessness of the sisters or the stupidity of the girl she now finds herself four months pregnant; so that unless we patch things up with prudence, not only Messer Nicia, the nuns, the daughter, and Camillo but the entire Calfucci family will be disgraced. And Messer Nicia is so worried about the scandal that he vowed to give three hundred ducats for the Lord’s work if this is kept secret.

  NICIA: That’s ridiculous!

  LIGURIO (to Nicia): Shut the hell up! And he will put them into your custody; it’s a matter that only you and the abbess can remedy.

  TIMOTEO: How do you mean?

  LIGURIO: Persuade the abbess to give the girl something to make her miscarry.

  TIMOTEO: This is something I shall have to think about. LIGURIO: Just think how much good would come from this act: you will preserve the honor of the convent, of the girl, and of her relatives; you will return a maiden to her father, satisfy Messer Nicia here and all his family, and distribute alms to the amount of three hundred ducats. On the other hand, you’re only doing away with a piece of unborn flesh without feelings, a thing that might die in a thousand other ways, for I think that whatever pleases the majority is a good in itself.

  TIMOTEO: So be it in God’s name. May everything you wish be done and all of it for God’s sake and for the sake of charity. Give me the convent’s address, the potion, and, if you want, the money so that it can start doing some good.

  LIGURIO: Now you are beginning to be the priest I thought you were. Take this portion of the money. The convent is ... Wait a moment, a woman here in church is calling me. I’ll return in a moment—don’t leave Messer Nicia alone. I only have a couple of words to say to her. (Exit.)

  SCENE 5

  BROTHER TIMOTEO, MESSER NICIA

  TIMOTEO: How much time does the girl have left?

  NICIA: I’m furious.

  TIMOTEO: I said, how much time does the girl have left?

  NICIA: Goddamn him!

  TIMOTEO: Why? ,

  NICIA: I hope he breaks his neck.

  TIMOTEO: I’m really in a mess. I’m dealing with a madman and a deaf man. One runs away, the other doesn’t hear. But if there’s a profit here somewhere, I’ll be shrewder than they are. Ligurio is coming back.

  SCENE 6

  LIGURIO, BROTHER TIMOTEO, MESSER NICIA

  LlGURIO (to Messer Nicia): Shut up. Father, I have wonderful news.

  TIMOTEO: What is it?

  LIGURIO: This woman I spoke to told me that the girl aborted herself.

  TIMOTEO: Good. These alms will go into the general account.

  LIGURIO: What do you mean?

  TIMOTEO: I mean that now you have even better reason to give alms.

  LIGURIO : The alms will be given in due course, but first there is something else you must do to help Messer Nicia. TIMOTEO: What is it?

  LIGURIO: Something less pressing, less scandalous but more acceptable to us and more profitable to yourself.

  TIMOTEO: What is it? We are on such good terms and are so agreeable that there is nothing I would not do for you.

  LIGURIO: I’ll tell you about it in church privately, and Messer Nicia will be happy to wait for us here. We’ll be right back.

  NICIA: Don’t do me any favors.

  TIMOTEO: Let’s go. (Exeunt Timoteo and Ligurio.)

  SCENE 7

  MESSER NICIA

  NICIA: Is it day or night? Am I awake or dreaming? Am I drunk? No, I haven’t been able to touch a drop because of all these goings-on. We arrange to say one thing to the priest, and then he says something else. First he wanted me to pretend I was deaf, and I had to stuff my ears so that I couldn’t hear all the stupid things he said, to God knows what end! I’m out twenty-five ducats, we haven’t even begun discussing my problem, and now they’ve left me standing here like a dumb prick! Oh, here they are again, and a pox on them if they haven’t discussed my business.

  SCENE 8

  BROTHER TIMOTEO, LIGURIO, MESSER NICIA

  TIMOTEO: Have the ladies come ahead. I know what I have to do, and if my authority has any influence we’ll conclude this little family problem tonight.

  LIGURIO: Messer Nicia, Brother Timoteo is willing to do everything he can. Make sure that the women come.

  NICIA: You certainly have taken a burden off my mind. Will it be a boy?

  LIGURIO: Yes, a boy.

  NICIA: I’m so happy, I’m crying.

  TIMOTEO: You two go ahead into the church, and I’ll wait for the ladies here. Stay out of sight, and when they have gone I shall tell you what their reaction was. (Exeunt Ligurio and Nicia.)

  SCENE 9

  BROTHER TIMOTEO

  TIMOTEO: I don’t know who’s fooling who. That rascal Ligurio came to me with that first story to test me, so that if I refused to help him in that first affair he would have said nothing about the other in order not to reveal their plans, and the false pretext doesn’t even concern them. It’s true that I have been tricked, but this ruse can still be profitable to me. Messer Nicia and Callimaco are rich, and I should be able to get quite a bit out of both of them for different reasons. The affairs must be kept secret, since that is as much in my interest as in their own. Come what may, I’ll have no regrets. There will probably be difficulties, since Madonna Lucrezia is clever and kind, but I shall play on her kindness. And, anyway, women aren’t too bright. If a woman is capable of putting a few words together, she is considered a genius—in the land of the blind a one-eyed man is king. Here she is with her mother—who is really capable of anything. She will be of use to me in convincing her daughter. (Exit.)

  SCENE 10

  SOSTRATA, LUCREZIA

  SOSTRATA: I’m sure you realize, Lucrezia, that I value your reputation as much as anyone in the world, and I wouldn’t advise you to do anything that wasn’t right. I’ve told you before, and I am telling you now, that if Brother Timoteo tells you there is nothing to burden your conscience about, you can do it without further thought. LUCREZIA: I’ve always been afraid that Nicia’s desire to have children would get us into trouble; because of this, I am always suspicious whenever he comes up with a new scheme--especially after my bad experience in church, as you know. But of all the things he’s dreamed up, this is the strangest—to have to submit my body to this outrage, to be the cause of a man’s death because of such a disgrace. If I were the last woman on earth and the future of the human race depended on me, I don’t think I could go through
with it.

  SOSTRATA: I don’t know how to explain certain things to you, daughter. Speak to the priest, see what he has to say, and then do what he advises and what we, who love you, advise you to do.

  LUCREZIA: I’m sweating with excitement.

  SCENE 11

  BROTHER TIMOTEO, LUCREZIA, SOSTRATA

  TIMOTEO: Welcome, both of you! I know what you want me for, since Messer Nicia spoke to me. To tell you the truth, I’ve been paging through my books for more than two hours to study this case, and after much thought I have found numerous entries, both in particular and in general, that seem made for us.

  LUCREZIA: Are you speaking the truth or just joking?

  TIMOTEO: Oh, Madonna Lucrezia! Are these matters one jokes about? Don’t you know me yet?

  LUCREZIA: Yes, I know you, Father, but this is the strangest thing I have ever heard.

  TIMOTEO: Madonna, I believe you, but I don’t want you to carry on this way. Many things appear terrible, unsupportable, and strange from a distance; but when you approach them they become normal, bearable, and quite common—that’s why they say that fear itself is worse than the evil that you fear. This is such a case.

  LUCREZIA: I hope to God it is!

  TIMOTEO: Let me return to what I said before. As far as your conscience is concerned, you should take this as a general rule, that where there is a certain good and an uncertain evil the good should never be avoided for fear of the evil. Here we have a certain good—you will conceive and bear a child, producing a soul for Our Lord. The uncertain evil is that the man who sleeps with you after you take the mandrake potion may die, but it is also possible that he will not die. But since there is some danger, it is best that Messer Nicia not run this risk. As for the act itself, whether or not it is a sin is foolish to discuss, for it is the will that sins, not the body; the true sin is to displease your husband—but you will be pleasing him—or to take pleasure in the act—but it will displease you. Besides this, in all things one must look to the result: the outcome of your act is to fill a seat in paradise and to please your husband. The Bible says that the daughters of Lot, believing themselves to be alone in the world, lay with their father, and because their intent was good they did not sin.

  LUCREZIA: What counsel do you give me, then?

  SOSTRATA: Just let yourself be counseled, daughter. Don’t you see that a childless woman has no security? If her husband dies, she is left like a stray animal, abandoned by everyone.

  TIMOTEO: I swear to you, Madonna Lucrezia, by this holy cloth I wear, that humoring your husband in this matter will cause you no more spiritual grief than would eating meat on Wednesday, and that is a sin that can be removed with holy water.

  LUCREZIA: Where are you leading me, Father?

  TIMOTEO: I’m leading you toward something for which you will always thank me in your prayers—and you will be even more satisfied about a year from now. SOSTRATA: She will do what you wish. I’ll put her to bed tonight myself. Silly girl, what are you afraid of? There are fifty girls in town who would thank God to be in your place.

  LUCREZIA: I agree, but I don’t think I shall be alive tomorrow morning.

  TIMOTEO: Have no fear, my child. I shall pray to God for you and shall ask the angel Raphael to comfort you. Go now with my blessing and prepare yourself for this holy miracle.

  SOSTRATA: Peace be with you, Father.

  LUCREZIA: God and Our Lady protect me from harm! (Exeunt Lucrezia and Sostrata.)

  SCENE 12

  BROTHER TIMOTEO, LIGURIO, MESSER NICIA

  TIMOTEO: Ligurio, come out now!

  LIGURIO: How did it go?

  TIMOTEO: Very well. They went home prepared to do everything, and there won’t be any problems since her mother went with her and will put her to bed herself.

  NICIA: Are you telling the truth?

  TIMOTEO: Jesus, you are cured of your deafness!

  LIGURIO: Saint Clement has granted him this miracle.

  TIMOTEO: You will naturally want to place an ex-voto here to spread the word; this way I, too, can make a profit.

  NICIA: Let’s not get off the track. Will she give us any trouble in doing what I wish?

  TIMOTEO: No, I tell you.

  NICIA: I’m the happiest man in the world.

  TIMOTEO: I believe it. You’ll soon be the father of a fine boy, and to hell with those without your luck!

  LIGURIO: Father, go back to your devotions. If we need anything else, we’ll come to see you. Messer Nicia, you should follow your wife to keep her from changing her mind, and I shall find Doctor Callimaco and get him to send the potion. Let’s meet after dark in order to arrange what we have to do later.

  NICIA: That’s fine. Goodbye.

  TIMOTEO: Go with God’s blessing.

  Curtain

  ACT IV

  SCENE 1

  CALLIMACO

  CALLIMACO: I certainly would like to know what the others have done. When will I see Ligurio again? It must be eleven o’clock—no, almost midnight! What agony I’ve been through and still have to put up with! It’s true that Nature and Fortune balance their accounts—you never get something good without having to pay for it by misfortune. The higher my hopes, the greater are my fears. Poor me! How can I continue living in anguish like this, with so many hopes and fears to upset me? I am like a ship blown by two contrary winds—the closer I come to port, the more likely it is that I will sink. The stupidity of Messer Nicia gives me hope, but the cleverness and resoluteness of Lucrezia give me pause. Ah, if I could only rest. Sometimes I try to calm myself and reproach my frenzy by telling myself: “What are you doing? Are you mad? When you win her, what then? You will see the mistake you have made and repent of the bother and the anguish it cost you. Don’t you realize how little satisfaction men find in things they desire as compared with what they hope to find in them? On the other hand, the worst that can happen to you is to die and go to hell, and many others have suffered the same fate—many gentlemen, too! Are you ashamed to be damned with such company as they? Face your fate—flee danger; but if you cannot, then confront it like a man. Don’t cringe like a woman!” In this way I try to raise my spirits, but it doesn’t last long, for my desire to possess the woman I love only once overtakes me so that I feel weak from head to toe: my legs shake; my stomach turns; my heart is in my throat; my arms hang heavy; my tongue is mute; my eyes are dazzled; my brain is dizzy. If I could just find Ligurio, I would have someone to tell this to. His report will either give me life a while longer or strike me dead. (Enter Ligurio.)

  SCENE 2

  LIGURIO, CALLIMACO

  LIGURIO: I never wanted to see Callimaco more than now and never had more trouble in finding him. If I were bringing him bad news, I would have met him immediately. I’ve been to his home, to the piazza, to the market, to the Spini Works, to the loggia of the Tornaquinci, and I haven’t found him. These lovers are like cats on a hot roof—they just can’t keep still.

  CALLIMACO: Why am I waiting? He looks happy. Ligurio, Ligurio!

  LIGURIO: Oh, Callimaco. Where have you been?

  CALLIMACO: Any news?

  LIGURIO: Good news.

  CALLIMACO: Really good?

  LIGURIO: The best.

  CALLIMACO: Has Lucrezia agreed?

  LIGURIO: Yes.

  CALLIMACO: The priest did his job?

  LIGURIO: He sure did.

  CALLIMACO: Oh, what a blessed friar! I’ll always pray to God for him.

  LIGURIO: That’s a good one—as if God granted the prayers of the evil as well as those of the good. This priest will want something besides your prayers!

  CALLIMACO: What does he want?

  LIGURIO: Cash!

  CALLIMACO: Give it to him. How much did you promise?

  LIGURIO: Three hundred ducats.

  CALLIMACO: You did well.

  LIGURIO: Messer Nicia forked over twenty-five of them.

  CALLIMACO: Messer Nicia?

  LIGURIO: Don’t worry about details. Just be hap
py that he did.

  CALLIMACO: What did Lucrezia’s mother do?

  LIGURIO: Almost everything. When she understood that her daughter could have this pleasant evening without sin, she didn’t stop praying, ordering, and comforting Lucrezia until she led her to the priest and worked it out so that Lucrezia consented.

  CALLIMACO: Oh, God, what have I done to deserve such good fortune? I’m so happy I could die!

  LIGURIO: What kind of guy is he? First he’s dying of grief, then of happiness. He seems to want to croak any way he can. Have you got the potion ready?

  CALLIMACO: Yes, it’s here.

  LIGURIO: What are you sending?

  CALLIMACO: A glass of hippocras tea. Just the thing to calm her stomach and to warm the heart. Oh my god, oh my god, I’m ruined.

  LIGURIO: What is it? What are you talking about?

  CALLIMACO: There’s no way out.

  LIGURIO: What the hell is going on?

  CALLIMACO: We haven’t gotten anywhere. And I’ve painted myself into a comer.

  LIGURIO: Why? Tell me what’s the problem. Take your hands away from your face.

  CALLIMACO: Don’t you see the problem? I told Messer Nicia that you, he, Siro, and I would get someone to lie with his wife.

  LIGURIO: So what?

  CALLIMACO: What do you mean, so what? If I’m with you, I can’t be the one who is kidnaped, and if I’m not with you, he’ll discover the trick.

  LIGURIO: You’re right. But isn’t there a way around this?

  CALLIMACO: I don’t think so.

  LIGURIO: Yes there is.

  CALLIMACO: What is it?

  LIGURIO: Let me think a bit.

  CALLIMACO: You really had everything figured out, didn’t you? I’m really cooked if you have to start thinking at this point!

  LIGURIO: I’ve got it.

  CALLIMACO: What is it?

  LIGURIO: I’ll see to it that the priest takes care of this, since he’s helped us this far.