Sacred Revelations

by Roxy Harte

  Hearing him pull out bowls and ingredients calms me, identifying objects by the sound they make on the counter top, eggs, milk, oil, a box of pancake mix. I hear the flash of fire when he turns the knob for the stovetop. I don’t want to think about the actual kitchen, not tidy based on the condition of this room, but I won’t let my brain wander to the disgusting mess it wants to conjure either.

  The condition of the living room didn’t improve overnight and the sight makes me grimace. I could clean his apartment while he’s at the office, or I could just go into the office myself. Clothing would be an issue, as in I’d need some. Charlie is about the right size, as long as it were sports gear, a T-shirt and jogging pants would see me to the car, though not exactly office-wear.

  A clothes basket full of clothing beckons from the hallway and I quickly identify by sniff as it being fresh laundry, not dirty. A quick rummage sees me dressed for the day, granted I’m forced into making quite a fashion statement. Shorter and narrower than me, Charlie’s clothes fit but barely. I pull on a tight, light blue T-shirt, with a slogan that reads, “Your mother called, she says you’re gay.” I really don’t understand gay humor but the shirt smells clean so I keep it on. Shades of grey camouflage shorts that hit just above my knee and black army boots complete the ensemble. Luckily, we wear the same size shoe.

  “Pancakes are ready.”

  I didn’t look in a mirror but manage to smile when I see Charlie’s startled expression. “Do I look okay?”

  “If I wasn’t gay I’d take my clothes off you faster than you just put them on. How do you do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “You’re amazing, you’re beautiful. Even red-rimmed eyes look good on you.”

  I laugh, Charlie always manages to make me feel better. “So, after pancakes, can I hitch a ride with you to the office?”

  He looks me over after I follow him into the kitchen. “Are you sure you want to go to the office?”

  “Look, I know I’m not dressed like a CEO, but I’ll hide in the mailroom, or I’ll make copies for you and get your coffee like I used to. It will be like old times,” I promise. The ringing phone interrupts his answer.

  Chapter 22

  “We make an idol out of our fear and call it God.”

  -Ingmar Bergman

  Thomas

  She ran out, not understanding that Garrett was demanding me out of his sight, not her. One thing is for certain, the girl moves fast when she wants to. I can’t believe we lost sight of her. How do you lose a naked girl in downtown San Francisco?

  How did I lose her?

  We’ve had all night to think about Kitten in downtown San Francisco, unescorted, naked. I close my eyes and rub my face. My jaw hurts where Garrett plowed his fist into it right after he realized she was gone. Luckily, the front entrance security team was there to pull us off each other until our heads cleared enough to think. Both of us could have handled this so differently. If only we would have.

  Garrett has been to her house, the penthouse, and my beach house, leaving a security post at each place in case she did show up. Watching him sit on the leather sofa, face buried in his hands with fatigue and worry, I don’t have the heart to tell him that if she’s hidden herself as well as she’s capable of, we won’t see her again until she’s ready for us to. She’s already proven she can disappear and stay hidden, for years if she wants to. That’s the worry I don’t share with Garrett—that she may be gone for good. I just don’t know how far this has pushed her emotionally, obviously not as far as her father and Lion pushed her, but far enough for her to run.

  I make my last phone call, hoping for the best, calling The Darkness. The receptionist is a wealth of information. I determine that, when this mess is cleaned up and Kitten is home safe, a new receptionist will be needed. Hanging up, I announce, “Got her!”

  Garrett looks up, fear making him pale. “Where is she?”

  “Let me make sure, I think she’s at Charlie’s. He’s not at work,” I tell him, hitting speaker phone, dialing the number provided by The Darkness’ lovely receptionist. Tomorrow, I will tell Garrett to fire her for giving out personal information over the phone, but for today, she has been useful. Charlie answers on the third ring.

  “You called off work today. Why?” Garrett demands, before I have a chance to say anything.

  “I’m not feeling well?” he answers, sounding shaken.

  “You’re a liar. She’s there, isn’t she? Let me talk to her!”

  I touch Garrett’s arm to calm him, he won’t get anywhere this way. He glances my way, his brow creased in anger and determination.

  “You threw her out, in front of everyone. Is it your personal mission in life to humiliate her on every possible level?” Charlie demands through the speaker.

  Garrett spins away from the desk, not answering. Pacing to a wall, he slams his fist into it. I take up the conversation where he left it. “Charlie, this is Thomas Stephanopolis.”

  “I know who you are.”

  “Then, you will know that I am an important person in Kitten’s life and all I want to know is that she is safe.”

  There is silence on the other line, not even background noise. He either muted or disconnected, but the phone status LCD shows we are still connected. He comes back on the line. “She’s safe.”

  “Will she talk to Garrett?”

  “She’s shaking her head no.”

  “Will she talk to me?”

  I hear his soft question, mouth obviously away from the mouthpiece. “Will you talk to Thomas?”

  Her voice, barely audible, comes over the speaker. “Are they together?”

  Garrett returns to the phone, squatting beside me, calmer since hearing her voice. I know exactly how he feels. I answer, “We’re together, Kitten. Garrett’s been out looking for you all night and I’ve been on the phone calling every single person we know in an effort to find you.”

  “Wait,” Charlie says. “Let me put it on speaker.” We hear the click over, the in-a-tunnel sound as he asks, “Are you there?”

  “Yes,” Garrett answers, then repeats what he’d said for Kitten’s benefit. “We’re together, Kitten. We’ve been out looking for you all night.”

  “Together?” she asks, sounding full of disbelief.

  “Believe it or not, Kitten, we were once very good friends.” Garrett says softly.

  “Did I ruin that?”

  Garrett looks at me, his look full of regret. “No, Kitten, I tend to ruin relationships all by myself. No assistance required. I don’t want to ruin this one. I’m in love with you. Please, come home. We’ll work this out.”

  “I don’t see any way to work this out, Garrett. I’m screwed up in the head and I don’t know how to fix what’s wrong with me.”

  Garrett starts to say something but I stop him, touching his arm, motioning for him to wait. Kitten’s voice comes across the line. “I want both of you. It’s horrible to say this, I can’t even believe I’m admitting it, but I want you both. I want you to share me. When I’m with only one of you, I still feel incomplete, something is missing—I want to be whole.”

  I chuckle, wishing I hadn’t when the line goes silent. I wish she were here, not on the other side of the phone line miles across town. “Kitten?”

  Charlie answers for her. “She’s here. She can hear you.”

  “I wasn’t laughing at you. I don’t do that.”

  “I know,” she whispers. “But do you understand what I’m saying? What I’m asking for?”

  “What you are asking for isn’t unusual, Kitten, not here. Committed poly relationships happen. In San Francisco it’s more acceptable than the part of the world you were raised in.”

  “Kitten, this isn’t something we should be discussing on the phone. Come home. Let us come and get you,” Garrett interrupts.

  “No!” Kitten’s voice comes over the phone line, panicked. It’s obvious to both of us that she’s crying, whereas a moment ago, you couldn’t tell that. Raw
emotion floods the phone line. “When you two are in the same room, it’s a competition. I am not the prize! I just want to be happy with both of you. Why is this happening? I feel like I’m going to lose both of you and it’s killing me!”

  Garrett looks at me and I look at him. We’re both feeling our own panic, we’ve let her down, she’s bottoming out and neither of us are there to hold her together. Fuck.

  I gesture for him to keep talking. He does. “I’m sorry, Kitten. I’ve been making decisions on emotion, and not even my emotion, someone else’s emotion, and I apologize for that.”

  “Jackie?” she whispers.

  “Yes,” Garrett admits, pacing away from the phone.

  I lean closer to the phone, though it probably isn’t necessary. “Hey, Beautiful.”

  “Lord Fyre,” she responds, her voice choked with emotion, just my name coming from her lips sounds painful.

  “Jackie is Jackie. We all love her and, at times, we all hate her. When she wants to be a bitch, she is in the biggest way. But you need to know that the animosity she is showing you is only a projection of what she feels for me. She hates me, Kitten, and as long as I’m in the picture, it will hurt your friendship with her and it will hurt Garrett’s friendship with her. Until now, he’s been able to keep us separate. Now, with me seeing you, too, I’m in her face and she’s striking out at anyone she can.”

  “Jackie isn’t part of this, Kitten. I admit, I behaved badly in reaction to what she was saying, but now that I know what’s going on, that she’s manipulating me, I can get a handle on it. The most important thing is getting you home. She isn’t part of this,” Garrett promises from across the room.

  Kitten laughs and it is an ugly laugh. “Jackie and your friends are your life, Garrett! Everyone is a part of this. Everyone will be choosing sides, just like during the Kitten Sightings. I can’t take that kind of drama over this.”

  “You’re right, Kitten,” I say. “Only the three of us united can keep this from being a fiasco of major proportions. There’s no room for jealousy or possessiveness.”

  “What are you saying, Lord Fyre?” she asks.

  Garrett lifts a hand for me to remain silent and I do.

  “Kitten,” Garrett speaks softly. “You’ve asked for us to share you, but the real question is, can you share as well, because the only way this will work is if the three of us become a committed ménage à trois for real, a working threesome.” Garrett looks at me with desperation. He really wants her back. He loves her and at this point will agree to anything. I love her too and, for the sake of all of us, plan on making it so that he never regrets this.

  There is silence on the other side.

  “Kitten?” Garrett asks.

  Harsh silence answers, not mute, the tunnel sound of being on speaker phone remains. Then a bare whisper comes across the line, Charlie’s voice making comforting noises. “Hey, Charlie,” I call out. “Everything okay there?”

  “No, guys, everything isn’t okay. She thinks that you will both say whatever it takes to get her back there with you and then the fight over her will begin again. She’s seen Jackie’s manipulative power in action enough over the last few months to know that the thing with Jackie isn’t over. Celia’s wrung out. Emotional doesn’t even begin to describe what I’ve got going on over here. Damn you two! I saw her through the Kitten Sightings and that was a rollercoaster to hell and back, this…this is worse.”

  “Let us come over there,” I suggest. “Just to talk, she doesn’t have to leave with us. We just want to see her.”

  “She’s shaking her head no, man, and I hate to agree but I think she needs a minute to breathe. So, I’ll stay with her until she’s ready for me to take her home, or until she says she wants you to pick her up,” Charlie answers. “One thing. Were you both serious about this ménage à trois?”

  “Yes,” we both answer.

  In the background, muffled, we hear him ask her if she wants him to disconnect.

  When Charlie comes back to us, he says, “She wants to know why you think that Jackie’s reaction is because of you, Thomas, not her?”

  I shake my head, really not wanting to answer this, especially not wanting to answer this with Garrett listening. This could ruin everything, but then Jackie’s poisonous tongue could ruin everything, too. Better to come clean with my side of the story. I look up at Garrett, capturing his gaze and holding it. I need the eye contact as I explain it to both of them. “It’s an old grudge from years ago. We played once, when she was he. He thought he wanted to play hard but he wasn’t up to it. I was too young and dumb to let him safe word out. I wanted to teach him a lesson that he couldn’t just pick up random players off the street, that it was dangerous. I didn’t hurt him, but I scared the hell out of him. Made him think I was going to cut him up, make him a girl for real.”

  “So that’s why she doesn’t play anymore,” Garrett whispers, nodding. He breaks eye contact, looking away. I hold my breath, waiting for his reaction and when he turns back to me, he says, “Thank you for telling me.”

  “So, Kitten, that’s why Jackie doesn’t play and that’s why she hates me.” I talk into the speaker. “I’ve apologized more than once, but she won’t accept it. I scared her for real and I really didn’t mean to, and didn’t realize it until it was too late.”

  “She never told me,” Garrett says, patting my leg, letting me know that he isn’t going to defend her honor at this late date. To Kitten, he implores, “Let us come and get you now, Kitten. Only together can we fix this.”

  “No!” Her voice is a scream over the speaker, still having that panicked edge to it. I’m worried. Garrett’s worried. I think we both consider ignoring her wishes and driving to Charlie’s for her, but when our eyes meet, it is with the understanding that he won’t go without me and I won’t go without him.

  Her voice comes over the speaker, calmer, but not by much. “Not yet. If you’re seriously ready for this to work, another day won’t make a difference. And I’m safe on Charlie’s couch.”

  “She is so on my couch—nothing is going on here,” Charlie assures us.

  “You were awfully quick to say that Charlie,” I warn him with my voice.

  He snorts. “There’s two of you…both of you over six feet and I’m betting close to four hundred pounds of muscle between you. If you didn’t notice, I’m squirrelly boy. Five-feet-two-inches, one-hundred-and-twelve pounds of skin and bones. I have no desire to fight you guys over a girl. I love her but she’s like my sister. Besides, I’ve seen the two of you go at it.”

  “You saw our tussle at the club?” I ask, not remembering him there.

  “I saw the cam cast and that was too close for comfort.” He laughs, but it isn’t really a laugh, just nervousness.

  “Understood,” I say, hanging up. No niceties, no good-bye for Kitten, no I love you, nothing. I do look at Garrett, wondering what he’s thinking, sitting behind his desk, bent over, his forehead resting on his arm. For a second, our eyes meet and he shakes his head, answering my unasked question with his own manner of silence.

  “So you just lied to her?”

  Garrett looks up at me but doesn’t answer.

  “You have no intention of creating a ménage à trois, you were just spewing words to try to get her here.”

  “That isn’t true.”

  “I think you’re lying, Garrett. Lying to her, lying to yourself. If, for once in your life, you are going to be honest with yourself, let it be now.”

  Garrett stands, arms crossed, defensive. “How am I not being honest? I said we will, we will.”

  I close the distance between us, leaning into him. “Be honest with yourself, Garrett. Admit that you are doing this as much for yourself as her. Admit that you want me back in your life. Admit that sometimes you just want to be that guy who met me the first time on the beach. You want to be helpless, and used, scared out of your mind, humiliated…” Feeling his tremble, I know I’m pushing the right buttons. I lift his chin
and whisper against his cheek, “Cherished.”

  “What do you want me to say? That yes, I still think about it, the times you mastered me, teaching me how to master others.”

  “Admit that there was more to it than that.”

  Lifting his chin stubbornly, he insists, “No. There wasn’t more. I loved Tony.” I feel the lie in the tremble beneath my hand.

  “Take down the walls, Garrett,” I whisper, brushing his cheek with my beard. “It’s just me and you here. If we are going to try to do this with Kitten, we can’t hide behind old lies.” I pull him into me, his crossed arms becoming his own trap. I hold him tight, not that I need to; I’m surprised that he doesn’t resist. “Are you ready then to just give yourself to me…after years of refusing this? Or will you fight me?”

  I watch his every reaction to me, closed eyes, chewed lip, heavy breathing. I know his blood is boiling. I know his every trigger, but I don’t hit any of them. Just merely touching him has sent him into sub mode. I didn’t want that. I wanted his resistance. I wanted him to face the truth.

  Finally, between clenched teeth, he demands, “Let me go, Thomas.”

  He doesn’t have to ask twice.

  Facing him, I watch a million emotions flood over his face.

  “I told myself that it was because you were my first Master. I told Kitten the same thing…that over time, she would forget you…that it was only because you brought out her darkness that you made her want you so desperately. I lied. There’s a decade between then and now, Thomas, and I still want what you can give me. I feel like an addict. I wake mid-dream and it is your voice in my head, always your voice.”

  I reach out, cupping his face, his stubble rough against my palm. “So you want the three of us to share? Equally?”

  “Yes, it’s what I want.” He sighs. “It’s killing me that I want you. I pushed it aside, all of these years I’ve buried it, but I still need you. I am such a hypocrite. In my head, I condemn her for wanting no more than I want.”