Keeping Never (Never say Never)

by C. M. Stunich

  X X X

  I moan into Ty's mouth as he finally kicks up our session a notch and frees my breast from the confines of my bra, massaging it in circles, digging the metal of his rings into the soft flesh. I sigh against him, relaxing my body and dropping my hands, sensing Ty's need to be in control. I have no problem surrendering to him. That's what love is really. Surrendering yourself to the person that means the most to you. Appropriate or not, a piece of Noah's poetry sounds in my head, the perfect lyrics to the song Ty and I are singing with our bodies. It's another line from For Them The Wheel Turned, the very same poem I was quoting to myself when Ty first took me to SOG. Talk about coming full circle.

  And the unwashed found refuge in capitulation; and they were ecstatic in their state because it made them bigger than the self; connecting them to their other halves, this process built hearts and souls and became their reason for living.

  X X X

  Table of Contents

  Excerpt

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Epilogue

  Enjoyed This?

  More Books By

  About the Author

  C.M. Stunich

  Sarian Royal

  Keeping Never

  Copyright © C.M. Stunich 2013

  "Paint Me Beautiful" Excerpt Copyright © C.M. Stunich 2013

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  For information address Sarian Royal Indie Publishing, 1863 Pioneer Pkwy. E Ste. 203, Springfield, OR 97477-3907.

  www.sarianroyal.com

  ISBN-10: 1938623509(eBook)

  ISBN-13: 978-1-938623-50-9(eBook)

  Edited by Brandy Little of "Little Bee's Editing Services"

  Cover art and design © Amanda Carroll and Sarian Royal

  Optimus Princeps font © Manfred Klein

  Conrad Veidt font ©Bumbayo Font Fabrik

  The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, businesses, or locales is coincidental and is not intended by the author.

  to the ones who Never lose hope,

  no matter how hard things get.

  Lauren Dootson, that means you!

  1

  I'm keeping a secret from my soul mate.

  It's not an easy decision to live with and it's reduced my nails to mere stubs and turned my fingers raw and bloody as I chew at them nervously. All the while, my sea blue ring, the one that sparkles with Ty's heart and the best laid plans of men, shines bright in my vision and makes my eyes water even now.

  Seriously, Never, don't be such a fucking coward. I sigh and drop my hands to my lap, determined to get some hot sauce or something, anything to keep them out of my mouth. The thought of spicy food makes my stomach turn, and I barely make it to the bathroom before I'm puking my guts out and silently cursing Ty. You should've known, I tell myself as I sit back against the bathroom cabinet and try to breathe through my nose. Guys like that always succeed the first time. Fucking stud.

  “Hey.” I jump and my eyes snap open, slide up Ty's long legs and get caught on his new lip ring. It's gold with a green gem in the center, and sort of reminds me of St. Patrick's Day. Still, he looks hot in it. Ty always looks hot. “Beth wants to know if we're opening any presents tomorrow evening?”

  “Huh?” I ask as I put the butt of my hand to my head and wish like crazy for a cigarette. I never realized it before, but smoking was like a breathing exercise for me. In. Out. In. Out. It was one of the things that kept me from hyperventilating which is what I feel like doing now. I want to open up my mouth and blurt my secret out right now, let it float in the air like a butterfly and land on Ty's lips where it will rest in suspended silence until the end of time.

  Ty senses something is wrong – he always does – and leans against the door frame, popping a cigarette in his mouth. My eyes follow the tip of it as he talks and it jiggles around enticingly. I feel like a dog at the racetrack, like I would run all damn day for a single drag.

  “Let's talk about it,” he says, and I know that he's just speculating.

  “Talk about what?” I say as I examine my ring and smile. Yesterday, Ty asked me to marry him, and I said yes. We haven't told anyone about it yet, but we're going to tomorrow, on Christmas Eve. It's all so fairy tale that it kind of makes me want to roll my eyes, but at the same time, it's so sweet that I can't possibly act like I'm not affected by the gesture.

  “Well … ” Ty drawls as he glances over his shoulder for signs of my sisters. When he doesn't find anyone, he lights up and closes his eyes in bliss, taking a drag and pulling the cig from his mouth with two fingers. I practically drool and have to turn my head to stare at the bit of mold that's starting to creep up from beneath the baseboards. Not good. “You keep throwing up, so something must be wrong.”

  “I'm on my period,” I say because that makes so much fucking sense. When I glance back at Ty, I see that his dark brows are raised skeptically.

  “Uh huh,” he says as he puts the cigarette back to his lips, bracelets jingling like summer wind chimes. “Because a woman's menstrual cycle frequently comes without blood and with a whole shit ton of puking.”

  “Thanks for making me feel so attractive,” I say as I stand up and turn around to face the sink. Ty steps inside behind me and closes the door with his foot, sliding his arms over my shoulders and down my chest. He rests his chin against my shoulder and lets the smoke from his cig trail out and tickle my nose. I take a big, guilty inhale and try not to think about all the horrible things it may or may not do to this baby that I may or may not keep.

  The longer you wait to talk to Ty, the harder this will be, dumb ass.

  “I find you very attractive,” he says and drops the cigarette purposely into the still running water of the sink, stepping back and grabbing my hips with his hands. “Want me to show you exactly how much?” He pauses and then adds, “The future Mrs. McCabe.”

  “Right,” I say as I resist the urge to give into him and let myself go. Ty makes me feel like that, and I think that's one of the reasons I like him so much. He makes me want to split my body open and release my soul, let it fly and not care how black it is, how tarnished. Despite what I might say, Ty really does make me feel beautiful, inside and out. “Who says I'm changing my name?”

  “Aw,” Ty says as he spins me around and kisses me quick and sharp on the lips. “But I want to have the same last name as you.”

  “Change yours,” I say with a shrug, but I don't think 'Ty Ross' has the same ring as 'Ty McCabe'.

  “Never!” There's a banging at the door. It's Lettie. “Beth says that if she catches you smoking, she's going to ring your neck.”


  I sigh and put one hand on my hip, just so Ty knows he's in trouble.

  “Sorry, baby,” he tells me and presses the sweetest, softest kiss to my mouth, hot and perfect. How can I stay mad? How can I continue to lie?

  “I love you, Ty McCabe,” I say as he smiles and draws some hair behind my ear with his fingers.

  “I love you, too, Never Ross.”

  2

  Noah Scott comes over for Christmas Eve which is fine because nobody knows what happened between us in the kitchen that day, the way he said goodbye, the way he gave me up for good.

  “Hi Never,” he says as he scoots in the front door and shakes snow from his boots. “Merry Christmas, Ty.”

  “Merry X to the Mass,” Ty says which is weird but kind of cute. Noah notices my ring right away though I'm not wearing it on my ring finger; it's on my middle. He stares at it for a long time and then slides his blue, blue eyes up to Ty's dark ones, pauses there and smiles. It's a sad smile, but a real one.

  “I brought some gifts over, but I left them in the car. Do you think you could help me carry them in?” I open my mouth to reply, but Ty beats me to it, stepping forward and bending down to grab his combat boots.

  “Yup,” is all he says as he stands up and kisses my cheek gently, lip ring brushing against my flesh, warm and hard. “Be right back, babe.” I sigh, but I don't say anything. What is there to say, really? My first love and my true love are spending a holiday together with me and my recently repaired family. Ty and Noah escape outside without getting caught by any of the little ones. All they want to do is play in the snow, but Beth, in all of her motherliness, has said it's too harsh out right now, and I can't disagree. Snow is falling in crooked sheets, blanketing the ground with soft pillows of white that have already toppled some of the weaker trees in the area and snapped off limbs from the strongest. We'll go outside eventually, she tells them, eventually but not now.

  “Hey.” I turn around and see Zella standing next to the staircase with Beth. She's grinding her lip between her teeth nervously. I step forward and push the door closed to keep the chill winter wind out. In her eyes, I see my secret burning hot and fierce. She is this close to blurting it out for the world to hear.

  “Zella, no,” I say, but she moves forward and hugs me, pulls me against her warm chest, squeezes me like we're as close now as we were when I left, maybe closer. It's a nice feeling, but a hard one to understand. How can she forgive me so easily when I'm barely figuring out how to forgive myself?

  “I'm so happy for you, Never,” she says. “You and Ty will make cute, little babies.” I sigh and push back from her, certain that I don't want to have this conversation right here, right now. My life is structured so that were I to say something back, Ty would walk in at that exact moment and find out in the worst way possible. In fact, finding out is not an option. If he finds out, and I don't actually tell him, then I'm in big time trouble. Ty McCabe will be fucking pissed off. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

  “That's enough, Zella,” I say and my tone, while not harsh, is no-nonsense, kind of like Beth's. Hell, I'm getting started on my mother voice already. Nice. “Ty doesn't know.” Zella nods and tosses a casual glance over her shoulder at Beth who looks guilty enough that I don't get mad at her.

  “I had to tell someone,” Beth says, and her facial expression is so tense and distracted that you'd think she was the one who was pregnant. I watch her carefully for a moment. “I was digging out baby clothes from the closet and … ” I nod and wave my hand. I don't need her to explain herself. My family's had enough of that. We need to keep up with this forward momentum of understanding and forgiveness. After all, that's what life is all about. Martin Luther King, Jr. said it best. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

  “It's fine,” I say and then, as I hear footsteps on the deck, I add, “As long as you keep it to yourself.”

  “Ho ho ho,” Ty says as he kicks open the door and steps inside with an armful of colorful gifts. Noah has taken the time to wrap each one in a different patterned paper, and there are bows and ribbons and glitter galore. “It's Santa fucking Claus!”

  “Language,” Beth says quickly, although she won't scold Ty if he does it again. She never scolds Ty. “What is all this?”

  “I'm sorry,” Noah says as he follows in behind Ty and sets down some pink and yellow boxes next to the door. “I got a bit carried away.”

  “Presents!” Lorri shouts as she skids across the wood floor in slipper socks and throws her arms around Noah's legs. “Yay!” Noah laughs and ruffles her hair, and I can't help but think how much easier this would all be if I was in love with Noah. Noah has money, family, connections. Ty has … a hot, fucking body, eyes that burn, and a soul that's blacker than coal but just as warm. I sigh.

  “Go for a smoke with me?” he asks as he passes by and goes into the living room, depositing his load of presents next to the tree. I don't answer him, but I do catch the eyes of both Beth and Zella on my way out. Two pairs of hazel orbs tell me without words, Don't you dare. I know without a doubt that there is no way I'm letting my shit fuck up my baby before it's even born. If it's born. I shiver and grab my coat, follow Ty out the door and watch as he digs out a box of cigs. He stares at it for a moment and then pulls back his arm and chucks the red and white rectangle out into the snow. Ty's bracelets jingle like bells as he drops his hand back to his side.

  “What the hell?” I ask as I gape at him and he shrugs nonchalantly.

  “Want to quit with me?” he asks and as I stare at him, a wave of nausea takes over me and I suddenly just feel so freaking tired, like I could just curl up on the porch swing and fall asleep watching the snow. I put out a hand and touch the side of the house for support. Black and red hair falls over my face, reminding me that I need to make a decision about those copper roots. It's metaphorical somehow, spiritual in a way. It might just be hair, but it means something.

  “Are you shitting me?” I ask, wondering what might happen if we both quit at the same time. Two chain smokers going cold turkey. We'll be at each other's throats. “No!” Ty sweeps the curtain of my hair away with his ringed fingers.

  “Come on, Nev,” he says as his dark eyes bore into my soul and make me dizzy. Or maybe that's just his baby growing inside me, the one he doesn't know about. “We're making all kinds of new starts here, why not add one more?”

  “Go pick up the box,” I say to him as I do my best to hold back a wave of puke. It's this bad and I'm barely pregnant. Does it get worse? My stomach roils and I close my eyes. How much worse could it possibly get? Ty chuckles and his laugh weaves into the cracks of my psyche and warms me up from the inside out.

  “I was going to pick it up, yeah. I respect the earth, baby. I just threw it for dramatic effect.”

  “Go to hell,” I tell him, and he kisses me on the lips, nice and soft, like he's trying to mimic the gentle drift of the falling snow. “I bet you a hundred bucks you can't go more than a week without smoking.”

  “You don't have a hundred bucks,” Ty says and I stand up straight, and narrow my eyes at him. “But I'll bet you a nasty, dirty, pervy favor that I can. And hey, if you look at it right, no matter what happens, we both win.”

  “You're on,” I say and watch as he trudges through the snow and retrieves the box of cigarettes, tucking them in his back pocket at the same moment his phone rings. It hardly ever goes off; after all, Ty is like me in every which way and he has as many friends as I do. That is to say, none. Well, before me. I'd like to consider myself his friend. And maybe Lacey. She's the only person I've told about my engagement. I was so excited after it happened that when we came back from the cemetery, I locked myself in my bathroom and called her. She was as thrilled about that as she was about the baby. Seems like everyone that knows is excited. Everyone but me. What am I going to do with a baby?

  Tell him now, before he finds out and you scar him beyond saving, Ne
ver Ross.

  I look at Ty whose dark hair looks so soft and perfect, coated with tiny, white flakes of sky that melt as quickly as they come and drip down his nose and catch on his lip ring. When he comes back up this porch, I can spit out my secret with two little words. I'm pregnant. I square my shoulders and take a deep breath. I've survived hell. I've traveled to the depths of my own soul, found the darkness crouching there, and faced it head on. Not many can say they've done that. Now, all I need to do is tell the father of my baby that I'm carrying a piece of him inside of me, and see what he thinks we should do. I tell myself that I haven't told him because he's going to freak, because he can't handle it, but what I really think is that I can't handle it. I'm the one with the issues, not him. In my heart, I know that when I tell Ty, he's going to smile, take my face in his strong hands and kiss me. Whether he'll be a good father or not, I don't know because I don't really know what a good father is, but he's a perfect soul mate. That should be enough for me. I can do this, I think as I watch him crunch back towards me. It takes me a minute to figure out that there's something wrong, but when I see the blank look in my future husband's eyes, I know the worst that could possibly happen just has. That the one thing that could punish us both, erase the blackboard of our new lives, has just crept up and bit him.

  Ty's past is back.

  “What's wrong?” I ask as I step forward and grab his arm. It takes Ty several seconds to look over at me, to tug at his already bleeding lip ring with his teeth. I reach up and cover it with two fingers, try to still his nervous habit.

  “I got a phone call,” he begins, and I don't rush him. “It was from my mother.”

  3

  Ty stands like a zombie on that porch. His eyes are dead and his muscles are tense. He's squeezing his hands into tight fists that make his knuckles as white as the snow at our feet.

  “Your mother?” I ask, wondering how she got his number. Ty's already told me that he has no contact with the woman who birthed him, who raised him. What if my kid leaves me like that? What if I hurt her or him the same way Ty was hurt? I have to blink several times to keep the creeping demons of doubt back. Obviously, I can't spill my secret now. It's not an excuse, just a fact. I mean, if I were to tell Ty now, would he even hear me? His eyes are glassy and empty, and it's a hard sight to see.