Succubus 4 (Gnome Place Like Home): A LitRPG Series

by A. J. Markam

  Like the Grim Reaper.

  We weren’t looking at a god of war, or a god of the hunt, or any of the other super macho fuckers the orcs loved to worship.

  “YES!” I cried out in jubilation and started to pump my fist in the air.

  Alaria stared at me, probably wondering if I had completely lost my marbles.

  “That’s Dvrak, the Orcish god of dishonorable death!” I said, almost laughing in my glee.

  “So?”

  “So Stig and I saw him several times on our way to Kvartos, when we went to find Mirk and then rescue YOU! Remember, Stig?”

  My imp squinted, then muttered, “Oh yeaaah…”

  “So, what, you’re on good terms with that walking nightmare?”

  “No – but I know the guy who summons him,” I said with a grin. “And so do you.”

  Alaria scowled at me and held out her one good hand like, Will you just fucking TELL me already?

  “Who?”

  “Dorp!”

  Alaria looked bewildered. “That annoying blue illusion demon?”

  She probably wasn’t too enthused about Dorp, seeing as he had conjured a particularly embarrassing and alarming vision of her back on the pirate ship Revenge while we were docked in Exardus.

  “Yeah!”

  “So you’re saying that thing out there is an illusion?”

  “I’d bet a million gold on it!”

  “You don’t have a million gold, boss,” Stig pointed out.

  “It’s an expression!”

  “How did your illusion demon end up working for the orcs?”

  “I don’t know – the point is, he’s down there, and I know him! I can go talk to him!”

  Nobody seemed to recognize what an incredible stroke of luck this was. Grung was silent, Alaria just stared out at the god, and Stig gave me a sickly frown, the way you might look at your buddy right before you broke the news that his girlfriend was banging half the town behind his back.

  “Uh, boss?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You DO remember what you did to Dorp before he took off, right?”

  I shifted uncomfortably on the grass. “I know, it was bad – ”

  “It wasn’t just bad, boss. It was really bad.”

  “Yes, but –

  “You made him cry, boss.”

  Alaria stared at me.

  “I was in a bad place at the time,” I snapped defensively.

  “I don’t think he’s going to be happy to see you.”

  “That’s what you don’t understand! This is my chance to make it right! This is my chance to apologize!”

  “Yeah, I don’t know how much good that’s going to do,” Stig said.

  “Well,” I said resolutely, “I have to try.”

  Suddenly a quest window popped up.

  You Always Hurt The Ones You Love

  I frowned. I don’t know if I’d go THAT far…

  I continued reading.

  Kiss and make up with everyone’s favorite illusion demon.

  500 XP and Peace of Mind.

  The 500 XP was barely worth doing the quest for.

  But the game knew me well. The way I had treated Dorp had haunted my dreams ever since. The peace of mind would be priceless.

  I hit ‘Accept,’ and the window disappeared.

  “What about Orlo?” Alaria asked angrily.

  “We’ll get to him,” I promised her.

  “What about all those millions of humans you were going to save?” she asked sarcastically.

  “Tens of thousands. We’ll save them, too.”

  “What is this, just a way to salve your conscience?”

  “…maybe,” I admitted.

  She groaned. “Your conscience is incredibly inconvenient, do you know that? First saving a bunch of people we don’t know, now APOLOGIZING – ”

  “I know, I know. But I have a feeling that Dorp is the key to all this. That somehow if I make things right with him, we’ll change the odds in our favor.”

  “How?”

  “Imagine if he turned to our side. He could basically frighten all the orcs off, which would mean we only have to deal with the war golems.”

  “And Orlo.”

  “Hey, it’s better than having to deal with war golems, Orlo, AND 10,000 orcs.”

  “But to do that, you’re going have to win Dorp back to your side,” Alaria pointed out.

  “Yeah, so?”

  “Not gonna happen,” Stig said.

  “It could,” I said defensively.

  “You made him cry, boss.”

  “Would you stop saying that?!”

  “How exactly do you intend on changing his mind when you can’t get to him?”

  “That’s the thing – I’m going have to go down there.”

  Alaria looked at me in shock. “You have to be kidding me.”

  “Nope.”

  “How are you going to sneak into their camp?”

  “I can turn invisible.”

  “For 15 seconds at a time.”

  “Fine – I’ll go in under the cover of darkness.”

  “What are you going to do when you get down there? You don’t know the layout of the camp, you don’t know anyone down there who can help you get to Dorp – ”

  “Yes I do. And I think I might be able to get her to help us.”

  Alaria looked puzzled – then shocked – then absolutely furious.

  “SORAIYA?!”

  “Yeah.”

  “We can’t trust her! She betrayed us!”

  “You heard what Orlo said – he ordered her to find out why we were there. She didn’t have any choice. And she subverted his orders by having a threesome with us.”

  “WHAT’S A THREESOME?” Grung piped up.

  “Don’t ask,” Stig said.

  “BUT… I ALREADY DID.”

  Stig shook his head in annoyance. “Lots of – ”

  He thrust his finger through an OK sign.

  fwap-fwap-fwap-fwap

  “WHAT IS – ”

  Grung was about to do his own version of Stig’s gesture, then realized he didn’t have two hands to do it with. He just stared in puzzlement at his arm cannon, trying to figure out how to make it work.

  “Guys, cut it out!” I barked at them, then turned back to Alaria. “Soraiya’s our best option for me getting to Dorp.”

  “You just want to sleep with her again,” Alaria snarled.

  “I do not!” I said, shocked.

  “At ALL?” Alaria asked as she leaned in suspiciously.

  “Well, I mean, not without you!”

  “I’m never fucking that bitch AGAIN, and neither are YOU!”

  “WHAT IS ‘FUCKING’?” Grung asked.

  Stig helpfully demonstrated.

  fwap-fwap-fwap-fwap

  “BUT WHAT IS – ” and he stared at his arm cannon in consternation as he made an OK sign with the other hand.

  “Okay, okay,” I said to Alaria, “neither of us will sleep with her again. Why are you so upset?”

  “What, other than the fact that she helped put me in this metal body? NOTHING!”

  I realized that Alaria was still struggling with being trapped inside a robot, no matter how temporarily. I also realized that it must rankle her to think that I would even consider sleeping with another woman while she was in this state. Which I wouldn’t!

  But would she believe that?

  “Babe, I swear on whatever you want me to swear on, I will not sleep with her, I do not want to sleep with her – I only want you.”

  Alaria’s lower lip trembled. “Even like this?” she asked as she held out her charred forearm.

  “You got that trying to save my life.” I took her arm and kissed the blackened metal. “I love you no matter what. And I want you and only you.”

  “But what if we can never fuck again?” she asked bitterly. “Why WOULDN’T you leave me for another woman?”

  “Because I love you.”

  “That’s not
enough,” she said, and I could hear the despair in her voice.

  I knew I was never going to convince a sex demoness that sex didn’t matter as much as love – so I tried a different tack.

  “Well, you can still give me a hand job,” I said, pointing at her other arm.

  She stared at me in shock – then burst out laughing.

  “Asshole,” she giggled, and punched me lightly in the shoulder.

  Unfortunately, she was punching me with a fist made of metal, and she didn’t know her own strength. It felt like Mike Tyson had slammed my bicep with a pair of brass knuckles.

  “AAAAAAAH!” I shouted, and grabbed my arm in pain. One love tap had set me back 5% of Health.

  “Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said, and put her hand out to try to soothe me.

  “It’s all right,” I wheezed through clenched teeth.

  She looked unhappy, but her accidentally hurting me turned out to be what I needed to win the argument.

  “FINE,” she groaned, “you can go look for Soraiya… but PROMISE me you won’t sleep with her.”

  “I promise.”

  “How are you going to get down there?”

  “I told you, I’ll sneak down under the cover of darkness.”

  Alaria folded her arms across her chest. “What, you think the orcs are blind? Their guards will spot you in a second.”

  “I can turn invisible – ”

  “For 15 seconds.”

  “I’ll steal a cloak!” I snapped. “An ORCISH cloak!”

  “You look nothing like an orc, even with a cloak on. You won’t get ten feet before they recognize you as an outsider and either kill you or capture you.”

  I stewed silently for a moment, knowing that she was right.

  “I COULD GO,” Grung offered.

  I turned to him in surprise. “What?”

  “I AM A WAR GOLEM. I WILL FIT IN.”

  “Won’t they suspect something? Especially since you’re showing up a day late?”

  Grung thought for a second, then pointed at the little panel in his chest. “I WILL SAY THE MOUSE CAUSED ME TO STOP WORKING. WHEN I WOKE UP, THEY WERE ALL GONE. SO I FOLLOWED THEIR TRAIL HERE.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “It’s better than sneaking in and stealing a damn cloak,” Alaria muttered.

  I thought about it for second, then said to Grung, “I guess you could find Soraiya and bring her out here to us…”

  “We are NOT bringing that bitch out here! She’ll just betray us again, and we’ll ALL end up captured!”

  “She’s the only one who can get me to Dorp!”

  “I AM AFRAID IT IS A MOOT POINT. ONCE I AM INSIDE THE CAMP, I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO LEAVE WITHOUT ATTRACTING UNDUE ATTENTION,” Grung said apologetically.

  “Crap…”

  I racked my brains, and found myself looking at the panel on Grung’s chest.

  “If there was room for a mouse inside your body, could Stig maybe fit in there?”

  “No,” Stig snapped.

  “OF COURSE. I HAVE SEVERAL HOLLOW PLACES IN MY BODY WHERE ARMAMENTS ARE STORED.”

  “Really? That’s great news!”

  “NO,” Stig growled.

  “Come on, this could be exactly what we need to get to Dorp!” I pleaded with the imp.

  “NO.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t like being inside tight spaces.”

  “Funny,” Alaria said with a half-smile, “neither does Ian. At least, not as much as looser ones.”

  I looked over at her and gave her a Very funny look. “This is serious. Come on, Stig – ”

  “If you want him to sneak somebody down there so bad, YOU do it!”

  “I would if I could, but – ”

  “THAT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE,” Grung said, followed by the whir of an electric motor.

  I watched in surprise as the metal paneling that made up Grung’s rib cage opened up like the gullwing door of a DeLorean.

  Inside his body were a number of missiles on some sort of lattice that connected to the rocket launchers in his shoulders.

  Grung reached inside his body and pulled the lattice out, missiles and all.

  Once he removed it, there was a space more than big enough for Stig – but it even looked like I could squeeze myself in there.

  This would be perfect – just like the Greeks and the Trojan horse!

  Trojans… heh heh…

  Word association led from one thing to another, and suddenly I was thinking of condoms and a radio commercial I had heard recently with a catchy theme song.

  The videogame was ABSOLUTELY reading my mind, because a quest window suddenly popped up with the chorus to the song:

  Trojan Man – Trojan Maaaan!

  Get deep inside your companion’s body and use him to sheathe your bare skin so you can penetrate even DEEPER inside the orcs for maximum effectiveness!

  “Really?” I groaned out loud.

  “What?” Alaria asked.

  She couldn’t see the quest window, and I was NOT about to tell her what it said.

  “…nothing,” I said, and instead scoped out the rewards.

  2000 XP

  Magical Orcish Cloak: +12 Armor, +25 Stamina, +10 Critical Strike

  HA. Looked like my instincts were right about Orcish cloaks.

  If I used it to replace my Cloak of the Northern Wastes, I would lose 10 Intelligence… but I would get a huge boost in Stamina, plus a nice little addition to Critical Strike – which meant the chances of one of my attacks randomly dealing double the ordinary damage would go up.

  It was worth it, so I selected ‘Accept.’

  I guess I was ‘going in.’

  “I’ll get inside Grung,” I announced, “and he can sneak me into the camp.”

  Alaria sighed. “Even if you do talk to Dorp, and you somehow manage to convince him to forgive you, and he DOES manage to scare away the orcs, how are we going to take on Orlo and the war golems? There’s just no way.”

  “…there might be.”

  “How?”

  “By building an army of our own.”

  She frowned in utter disbelief. “How in the Seven Hells are we going to do that?”

  I grinned. “By calling in several hundred favors.”

  26

  It was an exceedingly simple plan. I needed an army, so I was going to put out a call and hope that the cavalry would come save my ass.

  While in Exardus, I had run the Tomb of Tharos dungeon a LOT so I could make enough gold to pay off Varkus.

  I’d encountered some real douchebags – like the undead Priest and Brazilian Shadow Knight who had ratted me out to my boss for, ahem, admittedly inappropriate behavior – but the vast majority of people I’d met were pretty cool. As a result, I now had a ‘Friends List’ 400 strong. Not only had we gotten along well, but the vast majority had been appreciative that I had guided them through the dungeon like a pro. (Which is what happens when you run a dungeon 150 times.)

  I currently wasn’t that far from Exardus, not in the grand scheme of things, and I was hoping that if I put out a distress call, some of my fellow players might show up.

  It would be hellacious odds – 10,000 orcs and two dozen war golems, plus a master Warlock – but it would be a fight for the ages.

  Here’s the message I sent out:

  Hey guys, Ian here.

  I need a favor. And it’s a big one.

  I am working on a quest chain, and I’m currently camped out on the edge of the plains of Mor-El. There is an army of 10,000 orcs, plus two dozen giant robots called war golems they bought from an arms merchant. I believe they are going to invade a neighboring human kingdom and try to enslave them.

  My objective is I’m trying to kill the Warlock who sold them the golems. I don’t need help with that – I just need help in fighting the orcs.

  Not gonna lie, this one is a real bastard.

  The biggest problem is that the Warlock destroyed every graveyard within doz
ens of miles – so if you get killed in battle, I have no idea where you’re going to resurrect.

  Second huge problem: one of the demons I liberated is working with the orcs. He’s capable of projecting your worst fears as an illusion out onto the battlefield. It can get pretty gnarly, so let that inform your decision.

  I know this is a big ask, but if you’re anywhere near the region, can you come to the giant cliffs west of Mor-El? My succubus, Alaria, who is now in robot form (long story) will be waiting for you. I am going to go try to infiltrate the Orcish camp, and I could really use your help if I end up starting a war.

  If you can’t do it, or it’s just not something you want to get involved in, I understand. No hard feelings.

  But if you CAN help, I would owe you big time. Be sure to approach from the west, north, or south. You don’t want to accidentally stumble across 10,000 orcs.

  It’s the Alamo, I’m down to a couple of soldiers and a handful of bullets, and I sure could use the fuckin’ cavalry right about now.

  Thanks,

  Ian

  I closed down my messaging app in the system, not wanting to be distracted by a flood of replies. Besides, at this point, all I could do was pray that enough people would show up. I had other things to worry about now.

  First item on the agenda was getting into the orc camp.

  Grung could smuggle me in, but we also had to get down the escarpment. We scouted out the cliff until we found the path the war golems had obviously taken – an almost 60% incline (or would that be a 30% decline?) with deep troughs gouged out from the robots’ oversized feet.

  “I guess this is it,” I said uneasily as I stared down the 300-foot drop to the plains below. Then I said to Alaria, “Stay here no matter what happens, all right? My friends should be showing up over the next couple of hours. They’re expecting to meet a hot robot succubus, so I need you to be here to meet them.”

  “I don’t like this,” she grumbled.

  “I know, but I have to do it. The same way you need to get your ex-masters, I need to make things good with Dorp. And the only way we’re going to get out of here alive is with an army behind us. So please, just be here to meet them, okay?”

  “Okay,” she grumbled, and then her expression turned from truculent to pleading. “Just promise me you won’t sleep with her.”