The Importance of Being a Bachelor

by Mike Gayle

  ‘About eight I think.’

  ‘So not too long then?’

  ‘No, not too long.’

  ‘I’m thinking about you, you know.’

  ‘I know you are, Mum. It means a lot to me.’

  ‘I’m sure everything will be all right.’

  ‘I’m sure it will too.’

  ‘So you’ll call me and let me know how things went? Not straight away . . . but maybe in the morning?’

  ‘I’ll see, OK?’

  ‘Yes, of course. you’ll take care though, won’t you?’

  ‘Will do, Mum. Speak to you later.’

  Returning the phone to its charger Luke headed back over to the cooker, grabbed a knife and stabbed one of the potatoes to see if it was done. Then he reached for the open bottle of Merlot sitting on the counter next to the microwave, poured himself his third glass of the evening and took a moment to think about his mum.

  Since hearing the news about Cassie his mum had gone from not calling him at all to her current rate of at least one phone call every two days. The last time that she’d been this persistent had been when he and Jayne were splitting up and that had continued for the best part of a year afterwards. Despite his reticence, Luke didn’t mind the calls because they reminded him that being a parent was a job for life. No matter how grown-up your kids were supposed to be a part of you would always see them as your babies. The downside was the fact that his mum had problems of her own to contend with and Luke couldn’t help but feel it should have been him looking after her rather than the other way round.

  Luke pulled a bag of salad leaves out of the fridge and was about to arrange them artfully in a bowl when the doorbell rang. He wiped his hands on his jeans once again and made his way to the front door. Cassie was wearing her light grey mac and jeans and looked prettier than ever. Desperate not to overwhelm her as she came inside out of the rain Luke tried to resist the temptation to hug her but he couldn’t help himself. Within a few moments he had wrapped her in his arms and was kissing her face and the fact that she was kissing him back strengthened his hope that the worst was over.

  ‘I’ve made dinner,’ explained Luke as Cassie hung her mac on the banister. ‘Nothing flash, just a bunch of stuff from Marks and—’ He stopped abruptly as he saw the smile fall from Cassie’s face. ‘I know,’ he said before she could respond verbally. ‘I know you didn’t come round to eat. And yeah, I know we need to talk. But come on Cass, there’s plenty of time for all that. For now I just need you to sit down, have a glass of wine and enjoy yourself, OK?’

  Nodding reluctantly she followed him into the kitchen extension where he poured her a glass of wine. As she admired the table setting and appreciated his efforts with candlelight he plated up the contents of the various trays and they sat and talked about work, and about friends and family and for a short while Luke felt it was just like old times.

  ‘I could easily eat the whole thing again,’ said Cassie, carefully placing her knife and fork in the centre of her empty plate. ‘You didn’t have to go to all this effort though. I would’ve been just as happy with a bacon and egg sarnie.’

  Luke smiled. ‘Do you remember those bacon and egg sarnies we had at that greasy spoon one time when we went for that walking weekend with your old university friends? It was like a half-baguette crammed with half a pig and half a dozen eggs. It was incredible.’

  ‘Easily the best bacon sandwich ever. Although as I remember I couldn’t finish mine and you wolfed down my leftovers in about a second!’

  Luke was pleased they were sharing intimate old memories like this. ‘Well sorry as I am to let you down in the bacon sandwich department I can promise you a cornucopia of delights when it comes to pudding. We’ve got a Belgian chocolate sponge thing, some of that posh ice cream with the big chunks of cookie dough and I even made your favourite: raspberry jelly.’

  Cassie held her hands up in surrender. ‘You made raspberry jelly? Oh, Luke, that really is sweet of you but I couldn’t eat another thing, honestly.’

  ‘No worries,’ replied Luke. ‘It’ll keep. So what do you want now? Tea? Coffee? I bought some more of that herbal stuff during the week.’

  ‘I’m fine on the tea and coffee front too.’

  He nodded sagely. ‘So I’m guessing this is your way of saying it’s time to talk?’

  Cassie nodded. ‘Yes, it’s time to talk.’

  There was nowhere left to run so Luke pushed his plate to one side and made his case as best as he could. Although he hadn’t exactly planned what he was going to say he knew the gist, along the lines that the last few weeks without her had been a living hell. ‘Look,’ he concluded, ‘if there’s one thing that your moving out has taught me it’s that I honestly can’t live without you. And I’m not even sure I want to wait until next year to get married.’ He walked over to the kitchen counter, picked up an envelope that had been lying next to the mug tree and placed it on the table in front of Cassie.

  ‘What’s this?’ she asked, looking down at the crisp white envelope.

  ‘Two tickets to Barbados, leaving at the end of the month,’ explained Luke sounding thoroughly pleased with himself. ‘I’ve emailed the hotel and apparently as long as we give them enough notice they can sort out a wedding registrar from their end. So what do you say? How do you feel about the idea of becoming Mrs Cassie Bachelor in a few weeks?’

  Cassie didn’t say anything. She just stared blankly at the envelope in front of her. Luke began to get the terrible feeling that he had misjudged things completely. ‘Is this about your family missing out on the wedding?’ he asked. ‘Because I was thinking we could have some kind of celebration here in Manchester when we get back.’

  Cassie shook her head. ‘You haven’t mentioned it,’ she said in a voice that barely registered above a whisper. ‘You haven’t mentioned it at all.’

  Luke didn’t understand. ‘What do you mean, Cass? I haven’t mentioned what?’

  ‘Children,’ said Cassie. ‘You haven’t mentioned children.’ She shook her head in disbelief. ‘You haven’t changed your mind, have you? You haven’t even considered changing your mind.’

  ‘I thought you knew,’ he said, shaking his head in horror. ‘I thought you understood, Cass. There’s nothing I can do about this situation, and that’s just the way things have to be. But surely we’re bigger than all that? Surely we’re what’s most important here. You and me. Surely everything else is just extra.’

  ‘Extra!’ spat Cassie. ‘Is that what you think a child is to me? An extra? Is that what Megan is to you?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘Then why would you say that about the children I want us to have?’ She rose to her feet as hot angry tears streamed down her face. ‘I love you, Luke! I love you with my whole heart and to sit here and hear you dismiss the desire I have to start a family with the man I love as being a simple extra hurts me to my very core! It’s almost as if I don’t know you. This isn’t about me choosing motherhood over you. If some medical reason meant that you’d never be able to have kids I wouldn’t for a second regret staying with you – not for one second because I love you and you mean everything to me! But to know that you can have children but choose not to because of something over which I have no control . . . well, it feels like you’re punishing me when I’ve done nothing wrong.’

  ‘Of course you haven’t done anything wrong. Of course not. But this is something I just can’t do. I’ve never hidden this from you, have I? I’ve never lied to you about it.’

  ‘So what do you want? A medal?’ screamed Cassie, jabbing Luke in the chest with her fingers. ‘No Luke, you never lied to me about this. It’s true you were always honest and open about it. But do you know what else is true? It’s the one thing in all the time I’ve known you that has never changed. Your looks, your way of seeing the world, the things you say and the way you say them: everything that makes you the person I love so much has grown and changed since I fell in love with you, thanks to time an
d experience, but this one thing from your past that you’ve held on to so tightly, that never has. Not time, not experience, not even my love has changed a single thing about that and that hurts me more than you’ll ever know.’ She pulled off her engagement ring and placed it flat on the table. ‘When I said I’d marry you I imagined that in exchange for my giving myself completely to you, you would do the same to me in return. But you’re not giving me everything, Luke, you’re holding back and it’s always going to be this way.’

  ‘What is wrong with you?’

  It was just after seven on the following Monday evening and Russell (who had arrived at his mum’s sometime after six) was eating a hearty home-cooked meal of pork chops, potatoes, gravy and apple sauce while watching the tail end of Channel Four News.

  ‘I was just wondering,’ said Russell’s mum in a deceptively casual manner that indicated the question she was about to ask had been on her mind since the moment he stepped through the door, ‘have you heard anything from Luke recently?’

  Russell shook his head. With the Bachelor Sunday lunch tradition out of the window he hadn’t seen Luke for weeks, for which he was mostly grateful as – happy as he was with Angie – the last thing he wanted to do was tempt fate by spending time in Cassie’s company.

  ‘Why do you ask?’

  Joan shrugged. ‘Oh, no reason, I was just wondering, that’s all.’

  ‘I can give him a ring if you like?’

  ‘Don’t bother. I’ve left a few messages so I’m sure he’ll get back to me when he’s ready.’

  Russell returned to his food even though it was clear that something was going on. Whenever things were going on in the Bachelor family it was a given that he would be left out of the loop because his parents seemed unable to adjust to the idea that he was no longer a snot-covered schoolboy.

  Finishing his meal Russell sat chatting about items on the news and about the rest of the family. His mum (who still wasn’t looking or acting anything like her usual self) wasn’t saying anything about the situation with his dad and although Russell tried several times to steer the conversation in that general direction she consistently refused to take the bait. Russell decided that the best thing would be to deliver the news he had come to give her.

  ‘Listen, Mum,’ he said somewhat reticently. ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’

  ‘Just a moment, Russell.’ She reached for the remote control to turn down the volume, then settled back in her chair. ‘Right, my sweet, you have my full and undivided attention.’

  ‘You know my friend Angie? Well, she and I aren’t just friends any more . . . we haven’t been for a while now and we’ve sort of decided that we’re going to move in together.’

  Russell had made the decision that morning. Angie had been getting more and more down at the prospect of moving out of the flat and as they had been eating breakfast the solution had finally dawned on him. Having spent so long committed to a woman who had never loved him and never would the least he could do was have a go at commitment with a girl who genuinely thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Angie had been so delighted that she had demanded they both pull a sickie and spend the whole day in bed. Russell had agreed but in the end had had to go to work anyway because the second he left a message with Debbie on reception telling her he wouldn’t be in, Jeanette had called him back stating that if he didn’t have a doctor’s note on his return she would take immediate disciplinary action.

  Russell looked at his mum to see if the message within the message had sunk in. Prior to this moment he had never mentioned that he had ever had a girlfriend let alone one with whom he might want to cohabit.

  ‘Where will you live?’

  ‘I’ll move into her place in Whalley Range.’

  ‘Have you told your father?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What does Adam say?’

  ‘I haven’t told him yet either.’

  There was a silence. Russell regretted telling Mum his plans. She had mistaken his offer of information for a request for permission and because she obviously thought it had the words ‘bad idea’ stamped through it like a stick of rock she was reluctant to grant it.

  ‘I know it’s a bit sudden,’ said Russell in a fruitless bid to allay her fears, ‘but it’s what I want.’

  Her face softened. ‘Well, if it’s what you want, son, then I suppose it’s what I want too. And if you need anything like bedding or furniture you only have to ask.’

  Deciding that this was as good a time as any to make his escape Russell helped his mum tidy away the remains of the tea before saying his goodbyes. At the end of the front path Russell turned left and reached into the pocket of his jacket for his phone: he had forgotten to switch over from its silent setting. He had two missed calls and four text messages and even without checking them he knew that they were all from Angie.

  Message 1: Are you at your mum’s? Hope all is cool. Ring me as soon as you can. Ange xxx

  Message 2: Have just tried to call you. Call me if you need ANYTHING at all!!!!!

  Message 3: Don’t forget since you’ve decided to blow me out that I am going out with the girls tonight. Promise me that I will see you later at mine! xxx

  Message 4: Am out with girls and missing you like crazy!!! Don’t think I can make it through the evening without you! Come straight out when you’re ready! Please call me as soon as you can!!! A xxx

  Walking along the road reading the texts Russell enjoyed exactly how good being with Angie made him feel. This thing with his mum and dad was having an effect on him yet here he was with a spring in his step and a smile on his face. And it was all down to Angie. Still grinning Russell began typing out the following reply: ‘Have left Mum’s and am walking up to High Street. Will see you soon xxx.’ He pressed send and was about to return his phone to his pocket when it rang. Assuming it was Angie, he answered the call straight away.

  ‘Ange!’ said Russell.

  ‘Have another go,’ said a gruff male voice that he immediately recognised as Adam’s.

  ‘All right, Ad?’ Russell wondered if this was going to be an update about their father.

  ‘As it happens, no,’ replied his brother. ‘My reason for being, my one motivation, the very thing that makes your brother the person he is has gone. But I’ll have to share that with you another time, kid, because that’s not why I’m calling.’

  ‘So why are you calling then?’

  ‘Because less than five minutes ago I had Mum on the phone saying that you’re moving in with your mate Angie. I told her she must have got the wrong end of the stick and that you meant you’re moving in with her in the sense that you’ll be her flatmate or housemate or whatever. I’m just checking that is the case.’

  Russell groaned. Enlisting Adam as her own personal enforcer was typical Mum behaviour when she had things to say but didn’t want to be the one who actually said them. Now he would have no choice but to allow his elder brother to talk sense into him. It was the same when he had briefly toyed with the idea of getting a job instead of doing A levels, and again when he had considered dropping out of university and when he had thought about going to live in Holland. Every time he had shared these notions with his mum she had taken them to Adam who had proceeded to talk Russell out of doing whatever he’d wanted to do. Well it wasn’t going to happen. Not this time.

  ‘Actually it’s not the case,’ said Russell firmly. ‘So just to make it clear: yes, I am moving in with Angie in the sense that Angie and I are now together and . . . well, we’ve decided to take things to the next level.’

  ‘What is wrong with you?’ said Adam incredulously. ‘It’s bad enough that you’re shacking up with some bird two minutes after getting together. Don’t make matters worse by using phrases like “taking things to the next level”. You’re meant to be a Bachelor, Russ, but the way you’re talking makes me think that you should have been born a spinster!’ Russell had heard the ‘Bachelor/Spinster’ thing many times before and did
n’t bother rising to the bait. Instead he held the phone away from his ear and let his brother continue. ‘Anyway,’ said Adam, whose voice Russell thought sounded a lot less annoying now that it was no longer being funnelled directly into his ear canal. ‘I thought you and Angie were just mates. I remember you giving me and Luke a huge long lecture about how much we were missing out by not having birds as friends and now look at you – copping off with your supposed best mate. Not quite the higher love that you were preaching back then, is it?’

  Russell put the phone back to his ear. ‘Things change, that’s all. We didn’t mean for it to happen, it just sort of appeared from nowhere.’

  ‘And how long exactly has it been? Mum was a little shaky about the timing.’

  Russell sighed inwardly. Adam was heading towards victory. ‘A little while,’ he acknowledged.

  ‘As in what exactly? Five months? Six?’

  ‘A couple of months.’

  ‘A couple of months? That’s no time at all. What’s the big rush?’

  ‘There is no rush. It’s just something I want to do.’

  ‘Look, Russ, I know you think I’m pulling rank by doing the big brother thing but I do actually give a crap about what happens to you, OK? And all I’m saying is . . . well, put it like this: there have been times in the past when I’ve done things in the hope that they’ll somehow sort out a problem I’ve been having, you know, in a “if-I-do-this-and-cross-my-fingers-it’ll-stop-me-from-doing-the-thing-that-I-don’t-want-to-do” kind of way.’

  For a moment or two Russell thought Adam was talking about Cassie but he realised that the idea of his Jack-the-lad elder brother noticing anything to do with real live emotions was highly unlikely.

  ‘I have no idea what you are on about,’ said Russell finally. ‘But thanks for the advice all the same.’

  ‘Fine,’ sighed Adam. ‘Just don’t say that I didn’t warn you.’

  ‘We are.’

  It was just after four in the afternoon and Luke (who should have been at a meeting in Exeter) was sitting on the sofa in his T-shirt and boxers thinking about his old primary-school friend, Ben Cohen. Back when they were friends Luke and Ben used to be in and out of each other’s house all the time and they got to know each other’s families really well, so it was a real shock for Luke when one morning the teacher announced that Ben wouldn’t be at school because his cab-driver father Harry had died of a heart attack. What made this even worse for Luke was that he and Ben had had a kick-around in the garden with Mr Cohen the night before. Luke felt weird that his friend didn’t have a dad any more but even weirder when his friend told him on the telephone that evening that the funeral had already happened. ‘That’s rubbish,’ he said. ‘People don’t get buried that quickly,’ but then Ben passed the phone to his older sister Rebecca, who had no reason to lie, and she confirmed it was true, adding that they were now doing something called sitting shiva.