Our Time of Day
Page 15
Arrived at the hospital and there were Malcolm and Harvey and Jodie and little Edie. We headed on in and there he lay, looking absolutely beautiful. Noble, happy, free. I kissed him – he still had some warmth, although his nose was cold. My dearest brother.
...Gone peacefully, Jemma said. So peacefully. Letting go with an easy breath. Gently – suddenly.
Sorrow and remorse. Can there be sorrow without remorse? Yes there can, but I didn’t find that out till later. We live with the fear of death, we make films about it, we write about it, we are told until we’re blue in the face and nearly dead ourselves that it is a natural part of life, but nothing prepares us. We are educated in all matters of sex, love, parenting, eating, but we are without strategies when it comes to the thing that haunts us. In the last century people died much younger and more frequently and were laid out in the parlour, and so people were more used to living with the reality of death. Now, with all our technology, we are estranged from it.
Anger is part of grief, certainly in my mind. Dead people do not come back. When, as happened to me, the truth finally dawns it is like being suddenly alone in a desert... a cold emptiness that stretches to the horizon with no future in sight. And no past either...
From Dear Austen by Nina Bawden.
I read these words over and over.
CHAPTER TWENT-FIVE
MAY 2010
Highgate Cemetery
UK Parliament Early Day Motion 1237 06.04.2010
That this House expresses profound sadness at the death of Corin Redgrave – recalls his life as a brilliant actor, peace campaigner, supporter of the downtrodden and man of enormous principle and generous character, and offers its condolences to all his family and many friends at the loss of such a fine man.
Victor, the sexton, showed me how to hold the urn, with two hands, one holding the lip as it was heavy, and difficult to pour in a straight line so that the ashes would fall into the freshly dug hole below. My hands remembered pouring corn into the hens’ trough at Lear Cottage, secretly watched by my mother from the bedroom window (checking on my accuracy), and my heart seemed to stop. I was pouring my husband into the ground. I kept some back though, and Victor gave me a little box so I could keep some at home.
It had been raining but now there was a large patch of blue sky and the sun shone on the bright green turf newly laid by Victor. We stood in a circle. Tom Reed read some Marcus Aurelius, Malcolm Tierney spoke about a memory of Corin that involved trying to find a person who looked like a penguin. Merlin Holland spoke directly to Corin about the gift that his grandfather Oscar Wilde had given him, and how that had led to Corin and Merlin becoming friends. I read out something Corin had written about his conversation with a taxi driver. Petra read her poem about him. I cried. Petra held my hand. Vanessa provided two bottles of champagne and some plastic cups, we emptied a third of one bottle into the grave and then toasted him with the rest.
We hadn’t planned it like this. We had arranged that we were going to die together. Well, not quite. In the game we played we were nearly always on a cliff top. We were getting ready to jump off together (we would be in our nineties). But, just as I’ve jumped off, he gets distracted: ‘Oh darling, I wasn’t ready. You went so quickly. I wasn’t looking... I’ll follow you in a second. Just got to make a quick call... Lucille... is that you?’ Or, he loses his footing and goes first: ‘Oh, Corin! Oh, God, I’m so sorry, I’ll be right behind you.’ Then to myself: ‘Oh, gosh, he’s fallen an awfully long way down, I can’t even see him. I’ll go after lunch when I’ve said goodbye to Peter.’
But now here I was in Highgate Cemetery – he’d gone and left me on my own. He had disappeared. Gone up in smoke. I was alone. Without a plan.
Back at home, I was upstairs in the bedroom. Thanks to Jodie’s thoughtfulness everything looked fresh and clean, without a trace of the traumatic struggle of the last weeks. I looked out of the window. It must have been spring. The tree in the street was late coming out. A crow was cawing from the roof of the flats opposite.
‘There goes the Balham Crow,’ Corin would say.
Four Years Later
Some months after Corin had come home I thought he had miraculously recovered. I was playing the piano and singing ‘My Time of Day’, his favourite song from Guys and Dolls, and why I chose the title of this book. He came and stood behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and with his other hand very gently touched my hair. I held my breath and went on playing but after a few seconds he moved away.
This memory is as vivid now as at was then. I can reach it when I need to.
I have lost my familiar point of reference and now must make my own. I must convince myself it is criminal to waste my life because C is not here to share it. This takes patience and practice.
Corin always sent me a postcard from wherever he was working. I kept them all. In our absences, we would cheer each other up by planning our next adventure. The oldest, and most battered card was sent from somewhere in America. It’s the one I like best.
Acknowledgements
There are no maps or guidebooks that can tell you what to do or how to live after a loved one vanishes into the unknown. We experienced a rare kindness both from friends and family, and often from complete strangers where we lived in Balham. ‘Thank you’ doesn’t go very far on the page, but I hope this book will go some way towards expressing my gratitude to everybody that helped us, whether medically, financially or baking a cake.
My profound thanks go to the people who provided outstanding care on the NHS: Dr Shai Betteridge, Professor Roger Kirby, Professor Mike Kopelman, Dr Paul Nicholas, the paramedics from Basildon and St George’s Hospital, Ricky, the staff car park attendant at St Thomas’ Hospital; and Adrian Stoddard.
Thank you to the Actors’ Benevolent Fund and the Royal Theatrical Fund for their generosity and support.
To Vanessa, who initiated Corin’s memorable work on De Profundis with Richard Nelson, and held my hand so often during the difficult times.
Thank you to Richard Nelson, Mark Rylance, David Thacker, Donald Sartaine, Justin Hardy, Steve Tiller, Lisa and Helen from Feast Management, Jimmy McGovern, John Dove and Nick Waring, for your care of Corin and your work with him, which restored an important part of his world.
Thank you to those of you that stayed with me on the journey after Corin’s death and without whom this book could not have been written.
Eluned Hawkins and Fiona Shand, my invaluable unofficial editors. Delyth Jones, Caroline Duthy, Anita Boos, Bill Bingham, Dr Jim McKeith, Tom O’Gorman, Bina and Sead Taslaman, Vivian Yates, Susan Lewis, Sally Simmons, Annie Castledine, Lydia Stryk, Nina Bawden, Miranda Lee White, Greg Lanning, Barbara Dinham, Michele Zackheim, and Martha Papadakis – thank you.
Thank you to James Hogan my publisher, and to Andrew Walby my inspiring editor, and the whole Oberon team for their creative support.
Thank you to my agent and friend Faith Evans for her guidance and persistence.
And lastly, my special thanks to my friend and mentor Francis Wyndham, who gave me the confidence to go on with my writing, and to my sisters and children for their unflagging support and love.
Sources
Bawden, Nina, Dear Austen. London: Little Brown, 2005
Callow, Simon, ‘Corin Redgrave: Obituary’. London: 2010
Croall, Jonathan, Don’t You Know There’s a War On? Voices from the Home Front. Stroud: Sutton Publishing, 2005
Guthrie, Tyrone, ‘Letter to the Ministry of Labour’. London: Old Vic/Sadler’s Wells, 14 May 1942
Hazzard, Shirley, The Transit of Venus. London: Penguin, 1980
Laing, R.D., The Politics of Family and Other Essays. New York, Pantheon Books, 1971
Lenin, Vladimir Il’ich, Collected Works: Volume 38. New York: Lawrence & Wishart, 1976
Mitchell, Alex, Come the Revolution: A Memoir. Kensington, N.S.W.: University of New South Wales Press, 2011
Piketty, Thomas, Capital in the Twenty-First Century. Harva
rd: Harvard University Press, 2014
Redgrave, Corin. Michael Redgrave: My Father. London: Richard Books, 1995
Thompson, David, ‘Programme Notes to Anne and Muriel’. London: BFI Documentation Unit, 2011
Trotsky, Leon, The Revolution Betrayed. New York: Pioneer Publishers, 1945
List of Plates
Frontispiece
Portrait of Corin Redgrave. Watercolour by Kika Markham.
Photograph of David Markham: Ernest Rodker.
Handwritten note to Kika Markham by Corin Redgrave.
Postcard (front and back): Corin Redgrave; Photograph: photographer unknown.
Plate Section I
Photograph: Stephen Harrison.
Still from the film The Stars Look Down; Photograph: photographer unknown.
Photograph: Stephen Harrison.
Photograph: Stephen Harrison; Photograph: Kika Markham.
Photograph: Morris Newcombe/ArenaPAL.
Photograph: Lord Snowdon; Photograph: David Edwards. Copyright © BBC.
Photographs: Pierre Zucca.
Photograph: Pierre Zucca; Photograph: Ernest Rodker
Plate Section II
Photograph: Corin Redgrave; Photograph: photographer unknown; Photograph: Sean Hudson.
Photographs: Fi Green; Photograph: Kika Markham.
Photographs: Kika Markham.
Photograph: taken by passer-by.
Photographer unknown.
Photographs: Kika Markham and family.
Index
Aamer, Shaker ref1
Ahmad, Babar ref1, ref2
Allen, Jim ref1, ref2
Amoroso, Dr Peter ref1, ref2, ref3
Armstrong-Jones, Antony, 1st Earl of Snowdon ref1
Ashcroft, Peggy ref1
Atkins, Eileen ref1
B, Doctor ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
Barnes, Clive ref1
Barton, John ref1
Battersby, Roy ref1
Bawden, Nina ref1, ref2
Begg, Azmat ref1
Bellow, Greg ref1
Bellow, Saul ref1
Bevan, Daisy ref1
Bingham, Bill ref1, ref2
Blizzard, John ref1
Blizzard, Vivian ref1, ref2
Bose, Mathew ref1
Bostridge, Ian ref1
Boyle, Danny ref1
Brind, Tom ref1, ref2
Bukovsky, Vladimir ref1
Burstein, Keith ref1
Callow, Simon ref1
Caron, Leslie ref1
Castledine, Annie ref1, ref2, ref3
Chalfant, Henry ref1
Chalfant, Kathy ref1
Chambers, Colin ref1
Chaplin, Geraldine ref1
Christian, Louise ref1
Clark, Annabel ref1
Clark, Kelly (Pema) ref1, ref2
Cookson, Cherry ref1
Croall, Jonathan ref1
Cronin, A.J. ref1
de Menezes, Jean Charles ref1
Dehn, Olive ref1
Dehn, Paul ref1, ref2
Dinham, Barbara ref1
Dove, John ref1
Edmonds, Joe ref1
Edwards, Percy ref1
Ekbal, Doctor ref1
el Khali, Zina ref1
Evans, Harold ref1
Eyles, Roz ref1
Eyre, Peter ref1
Feest, Alec ref1
Ferguson, Alex ref1
Fisk, Robert ref1
Frears, Stephen ref1
Garnett, Tony ref1
Gentle, Rose ref1
Goring, Marius ref1
Guthrie, Tyrone ref1
Hall, Peter ref1
Hall Clark, Steve ref1
Hamilton-Hill, Deirdre ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Hardy, Justin ref1
Hare, David ref1
Harrison, Howard ref1
Hawkins, Eluned ref1
Healy, Gerry ref1, ref2
Herman, Victor ref1
Hickman, Doctor ref1, ref2
Hofmeyr, Retha ref1
Holland, Merlin ref1, ref2
Hollinghurst, Alan ref1
Hughes, Doctor ref1
Hughes, Simon ref1
Hunter, Kathryn ref1
Jellicoe, Ann ref1
Johnson, Dilys ref1
Johnstone, Keith ref1
Jong, Hyu ref1
Kavanaugh, Rachel ref1
Kempinski, Tom ref1
Kempson, Rachel ref1
Kempson, Robin ref1
Kenwright, Bill ref1
Kirby, Professor Roger ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Kopelman, Professor Michael ref1, ref2
Kossoko, Aicha ref1
Kushner, Tony ref1, ref2, ref3
Lafont, Bernadette ref1
Lanning, Greg ref1
Laurie, Sue ref1
Lavery, Bryony ref1, ref2
Lawrence, Maureen ref1
Léaud, Jean-Pierre ref1
Leicester, Margot ref1, ref2
Lewenstein, Oscar ref1, ref2
Lloyd-Pack, Roger ref1, ref2
Loach, Ken ref1
Losey, Joseph ref1
Lowe, Doctor ref1
McEwan, Doctor ref1
MacKeith, Dr Jim ref1
MacKeith, Gwen ref1
MacKeith, Jim ref1, ref2
MacKeith, Jo (Frances) ref1, ref2
MacKeith, Keesje ref1
Maggie, neighbour ref1
Magni, Marcello ref1
Mario, Doctor ref1
Markham, David ref1 ref2
Markham, Jehane ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12
Markham, Petra ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Markham, Sonia (Sonie) ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
Marsden, Peter ref1
Mercer, David ref1, ref2, ref3
Merrison, Clive ref1, ref2, ref3
Milne, A.A ref1
Morley, Sheridan ref1
Morris, Peter ref1
Mullin, Chris ref1
Murdoch, Iris ref1
Naiambana, Patrice ref1
Neeson, Liam ref1
Neill, A.S. ref1
Nelson, Richard ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Nero, Carlo ref1
Nero, Franco ref1
Nero, Jenny ref1
Nero, Lily ref1
Nunn, Sylvia ref1, ref2, ref3
Nunn, Trevor ref1, ref2
O’Gorman, Tom ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
O’Rourke, Josie ref1
Ogier, Bulle ref1
Osborne, John ref1
Owen, Alfie ref1, ref2, ref3
Owen, Gabe ref1, ref2, ref3
Owen, Tim (son-in-law) ref1, ref2
Papini, Cristina ref1
Pinter, Harold ref1, ref2, ref3
Potter, Dennis ref1
Puxon, Grattan ref1
Quast, Phil ref1
Ramsburg, Charlie ref1, ref2
Redgrave, Arden ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Redgrave, Edie ref1, ref2
Redgrave, Harvey ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13
Redgrave, Jemma ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16
Redgrave, Jodie ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
Redgrave, Luke ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9
Redgrave, Lynn ref1, ref2, ref3
Redgrave, Michael ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
Redgrave, Vanessa ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18
Reed, Jacquie ref1, ref2
Reed, Tom ref1, ref2, ref3
Reich, Wilhelm ref1, ref2
Reisz, Betsy ref1
Reisz, Karel ref1
Richardson, Joely ref1
Richardson, Natasha ref1, ref2, ref3
Richardson, Tony ref1
Rivette, Jacques ref1
/>
Robbins, Professor Ian ref1
Roché, Henri-Pierre ref1
Rodker, Ernest ref1
Rodker, Oliver ref1
Rubens, Bernice ref1
Russell, Bertrand ref1
Russell, Shirley ref1
Rylance, Mark ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Sartain, Donald ref1
Schiffman, Suzanne ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Scott, Liz ref1
Serbedzija, Rade ref1
Simmonds, Sally ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Smith, Roger ref1, ref2, ref3
Soames, Robin, ref1
Soans, Robin, ref1
Stack, Suzannah ref1
Stafford-Clark, Max ref1
Steiner, George ref1
Stokes, Kate ref1
Taslaman, Bina ref1, ref2
Taslaman, Sead ref1, ref2
Taslaman, Vedran ref1
Tendeter, Stacey ref1
Thacker, David ref1
Thatcher, Margaret ref1, ref2, ref3
Thomas, Polly ref1
Tierney, Andrea ref1
Tierney, Malcolm ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
Tiller, Steve ref1
Trodd, Ken ref1
Truffaut, François ref1, ref2,
Tynan, Ken ref1
van den Broek, Dr Martin ref1
Voikhanskaya, Marina ref1, ref2
Waite, Terry ref1
Waring, Nick ref1
Warner, David ref1