Beast

by Cassie-Ann L. Miller

  I sigh heavily. “I should.”

  She arches an eyebrow suggestively. “You should.” She tips her chin towards my phone sitting on the table between us.

  “Right now?” I say, my eyes widening in disbelief.

  “No time like the present,” she insists.

  I roll my eyes up to the ceiling before snatching my phone and standing up. “Okay.”

  “Where are you going?” she protests.

  “To make the phone call,” I say. “In private.”

  “You’re no fun, Jazz,” she calls after me with a pout as I walk towards the washrooms. “No fun at all.”

  Chapter 41

  I’m pacing the floor. I feel like I’m going to pull out all my hair.

  Fuck – I pushed her away.

  And I’m already paying the price. I had the misfortune of falling asleep for a few hours. The demons shook me awake at 3:00 in the morning. I haven’t been back to sleep since.

  I had that dream again. Gunfire ringing out. Bombs dropping around me. I was paralyzed on the ground as mayhem exploded around me. She was approaching me. She was coming for me. Only this time, it wasn’t the Little Girl who appeared through the dust. It was Jasmine’s sweet face that scowled down at me.

  I need to talk to Dr. Andrews about changing my pills.

  A roar tears past my lips as I grab a pathetic chair by its arm and flip it to the ground.

  It was bad enough watching her fall for another man while I pretended to want her as just a friend. But now, she’s gone altogether. “I’ll go crazy without her.”

  I thunder into the kitchen and fling the cabinet door open. I grab a bottle of whiskey out of the cardboard box. I crack it open as I slide to the floor, my back pressed against the wall. It doesn’t even burn going down my throat. Nothing could ever feel as bad as the agony of having Jasmine ripped from my life just when I was starting to feel human again.

  So, I drink that bottle of scotch and when I’m finished, I totter back to the cabinet and grab another.

  Eventually, everything goes black.

  I’m awakened by a hard whack to the shoulder. “Wake the fuck up!”

  I blink slowly, the blurry image before me gradually taking shape. My father glowers down at me, his walking stick fisted tightly in his hand. Beams of sunlight pour in through the large windows, piercing into my eyes and searing what’s left of my brain.

  Argh – why the hell is sunshine so…shiny?

  “What the fuck are you doing?” he shouts at me, whopping at the empty liquor bottles on the floor next to me.

  I’m still spread out on the floor. “Why are you here, dad?” I groan so damn annoyed, covering my eyes with my palms.

  “That’s the question I came here to ask you,” my father roars, the vein in his neck pulsing wildly. “All the senior partners are waiting for you right now. Right this minute. And here you are, drunk off your ass on the floor like the pathetic, son-of-a-bitch that you are.”

  Fuck – I had a conference call scheduled for this morning.

  “Get your ass up and get dressed,” my father commands. “I need to think of a way to fix this mess.”

  Chapter 42

  Chess’s personal chef sets a plate in front of each of us before removing our stainless steel cloches with great fanfare.

  “This smells amazing,” I say offering the chef a grateful smile.

  “Grilled langoustines with garlic and herb butter,” he announces proudly gesturing towards the gorgeously displayed food on my plate. “The herbs were hand-picked from the garden out back. And the langoustines, we had them flown in from –”

  “That will be all, Winston,” Chess interrupts in a curt tone. His trademark charming smile slides effortlessly onto his face. The chef’s mouth snaps shut and his eyes fill with embarrassment but he doesn’t look the least bit surprised. Chess has obviously spoken to him like this before.

  The man gives us a quick bow before disappearing out of the room.

  Chess’s eyes are on me and he’s still smiling. But I refuse to simply brush off what happened and forget that he just humiliated poor Winston. “Y’know, I was really interested to hear more about the meal,” I say pointedly.

  His eyebrows rise in surprise, but he recovers easily. “Oh, I just was eager to have your attention all to myself. I don’t get to see you nearly as often as I would like.”

  This guy is good. Because as irritated as I just was, I already feel his flattery taking effect.

  As usual, Chess fills me in on the happenings on the campaign trail. We chat for a while but before long, I’m too tired to even keep my eyes open.

  “Ready for bed?” Chess asks as I slide my hand over my mouth to smother a yawn.

  I nod. “Yeah. Pretty tired.”

  He smiles. “Okay. I’ll show you to your room.” On the inside, I sigh, relieved that he’s offering me my own bedroom instead of inviting me to join him in his. I’m grateful that I don’t have to have that awkward conversation with him tonight.

  He leads me down the dimly-lit corridor joining the dinning room to the stairs in his Scarsdale home. When he gets to the bottom of the spiral staircase, he pauses in front of the framed mirror on the wall. He steps in close.

  He adjusts the collar of his blue oxford shirt and looks at himself in the mirror with a smug grin. “President Chester Davidson…President Chester Davidson…” he announces in a ceremonial voice.

  I stand back and watch him, nearly gaping in disbelief. Did he really just do that?

  Just when I think that he can’t get any more obnoxious in this moment, he pulls me close and tucks me under his arm. “President and first lady Chester Davidson....How does that sound?” He tosses me a wink and my stomach churns. The minuscule chance he had of getting laid tonight just evaporated into thin air.

  Still, I push a smile to the surface. “We should really get some sleep.” I tap him lightly on the chest.

  He leans down and kisses me softly on the lips. My shoulders relax a bit as he smiles down at me. “You’re right. Let’s go get some sleep.”

  Chapter 43

  I’m regressing and I know it.

  I was just starting to see glimpses of my old self, the man trapped inside the beast. I saw a glimmer of hope, something to hold on to…and now, she’s gone.

  Jasmine left.

  I hear my shrink’s voice in my head as I lower myself down to the floor on shaky arms. “Applaud your own courage, celebrate your own victories.“

  I can count the victories of the past 24 hours. Easy. Only drinking half a bottle of whiskey instead of losing myself at the bottom of two more bottles seems like a fucking victory to me. Resisting the desire to pull Jasmine into my office, pin her to the wall and fuck her till she begged for mercy when she walked by my office this morning, that was a victory. Successfully fighting the urge to show up at her apartment tonight and kick down the door was a victory as well.

  Being a coward seems to take a whole lot of courage, if you ask me.

  I try to find thoughts to distract me from the agony I’m feeling, but nothing helps. I force myself to think about work but that only stresses me out when I remember the rescheduled meeting that I have with the firm’s senior partners tomorrow.

  I force myself to think about Shadow and the work I asked him to do for me. But he’s already reported back that Chess Davidson has a clean slate and that only sinks my spirits deeper.

  I force myself to think about my last session with Dr. Andrews, but that doesn’t help because, I know that she’s a professional and all, but I can’t help the feeling that she just doesn’t get what I’m going through.

  The closest I’ve come to feeling understood was when I spent time with Jasmine. She knew what I was feeling. She’s been to hell and back herself. She understands my pain.

  All roads lead back to Jasmine Jasmine Jasmine.

  I collapse onto my chest, my sweaty face pressed to the cold concrete floor. I’ve lost count of how many push-ups I’ve
done tonight. My body aches from all the exercise I’ve been doing to distract myself. But I’m scared of what I’ll do if I stop.

  I might get dressed.

  I might hop on my motorcycle.

  I might speed through the streets like a bat out of hell.

  I might go get my fucking girl.

  Chapter 44

  I’m worried about Liam.

  I know that it’s not my place to worry about him; he’s a grown man and we’re no longer in each other’s lives. Still…I’m worried.

  His office door has been closed for days now. I can’t tell if or when he shows up at work. I don’t see his blinds rustling anymore as I walk down the hall. His secretary still brings me lunch everyday but he hasn’t made any effort to contact me personally.

  “He’s not yours to worry about, Jasmine,” I mutter to myself as I bring my attention back to the half-drafted contract on my computer screen. I can’t let the quality of my work suffer because I’m lovesick over Liam Cartwright. He’s the freaking managing partner of this law firm, my boss; he’s got it made. Me? I’m a lowly first-year associate. I’m expendable, especially if I’m turning in subpar work.

  There’s a knock at the door. Luce stands coyly in the doorway with a large brown bag. “Your lunch,” she says quietly.

  “Come in, Luce,” I say gesturing her in with a wave of my hand.

  She saunters in, sets the bag on my desk and turns to leave.

  “Wait,” I say bolting to my feet.

  She twizzles around on the point of her toes to look at me. “Yes?”

  I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t care. “Liam…”

  She tilts her head to the side and looks at me keenly. “Yes?”

  My voice drops to a whisper. “How’s he doing?” I ask. Every bone in my body is screaming that it’s none of my business.

  She heaves a sigh and pulls on the long sleeve of her blouse. “He’s…different. Since he stopped eating lunch with you.” She glances over her shoulder nervously towards Liam’s closed door. She steps closer to me and speaks in a hushed tone. “He’s pretty much gone back to the way he was when he just got here from Texas. He’s reserved and grumpy and keeps his door shut all the time.” She looks hesitant before she adds. “And most of the time, he reeks of alcohol.”

  My heart twists in my chest. “Has he said anything to you?”

  Luce hocks incredulously. “You’re kidding right? He barely says a word to me except ‘Make sure Jasmine gets her lunch’.”

  I glance over at his door and it’s taking every bit of my self-restraint to keep me from barging in there and doing anything I can to make it better for him.

  I give Luce a poor attempt at a smile. “Thanks…for everything.”

  She nods, her weak grin reflecting mine. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on between the two of you and I don’t need to know, but he’s different when he’s got you in his corner. He’s…better.” She doesn’t wait for me to speak. She just turns and walks back to her desk.

  Chapter 45

  Shadow is already sitting at the bar when I walk into the dim pub. He’s flirting with the bartender, a redhead with huge cleavage, colorful tattoos and skater-girl style. She’s a strange-looking but attractive girl.

  As I approach the counter, she turns to me and gives me a gap-toothed smile. “Ah – didn’t know you’d be here today, stallion,” she purrs.

  I narrow my eyes at her, pointing my finger into my chest. “Who? Me?” My facial expression must give away how surprised I am that she’s noticed me before and that she remembers me. I don’t recall ever seeing her face. Which isn’t saying much since Jasmine is the only woman I pay attention to.

  She smiles, whipping a towel against the counter. “Yes, you.” She tosses the towel aside and works on getting me a mug of beer.

  Shadow looks at her and frowns. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Debbie. I thought me and you had a thing going on here. Then my brother shows up and you’re jumping ship?”

  “You’re jealous. It’s cute.” She pats his cheek condescendingly. “You, your fate is already sealed for the night. I’m taking you home,” she says to him. “But your friend?” She turns her attention to me. “The other bartender, Vanessa – blond with bangs. Cute. Just like Jennifer Lawrence – she’s been crushing hard on you. She gets really excited anytime you come in.”

  I furrow my eyebrows at her. She must be mistaken. “Me?”

  Debbie tosses her head back and laughs. “Yes, you,” she insists. She turns back to Shadow. “What’s the deal with your friend? Does he have an inferiority complex or something?”

  He shrugs with a grin as he tosses back a gulp of his beer.

  She looks at me. “Anyway, Vanessa won’t stop talking about the ‘big, burly guy with the beard’. I think she has a thing for sulky ex-marines. It might be the scars and all that emotional trauma.” She shrugs. “I don’t know.” She reaches for one of the bar’s business cards sitting on the edge of the counter. She flips it over and scribbles something on the back with the pen she pulled from behind her ear. “Anyway, here’s her number. She’s kinda shy but she’d totally come in her pants if you gave her a call.” Debbie snickers to herself as she slides the card into the breast pocket of my suit jacket. She tosses Shadow a wink.

  “I’m waiting for you till you get off your shift,” he calls after her as she walks away to serve another patron.

  “You’d better,” she says flirtatiously.

  Shadow turns his attention to me. “Y’see, man? Life isn’t all that bad. You walk around sulking all day and here, you have some totally hot chick secretly lusting after you.”

  I shake his words out of my head. “That’s not why we’re here,” I remind him in a glum voice.

  He rolls his eyes as he grabs his beer and slides off of his barstool. “Let’s move somewhere a little more private.”

  I follow him to a booth tucked into the corner of the pub. He pulls a manila envelope from the inside of his black leather jacket and looks around paranoid before sliding it across the table to me.

  I snatch the file off of the table and open it hurriedly.

  “There really isn’t anything earth-shattering in there. A few credit card bills, some bank statements. Nothing seems abnormal. You haven’t given me much information about what exactly you’re looking for so I’m kind of shooting in the dark here.” He brings his beer to his lips and tips it back.

  I huff as I scan the documents.

  There’s nothing here.

  He leans across the table, his voice low. “Tell me what you’re looking for on Davidson, man. That’s the only way I can help you find it.”

  I grunt, rubbing my hands over my beard. I never wanted to hear myself say these words. “That asshole’s got the woman I love and I need to know if I should take her back.”

  Chapter 46

  I slide off of the couch and grab my glass of wine from the coffee table. I move down the short hallway to my bedroom turning off the lights as I go. I set the wine down next to my bed and light the cluster of scented candles sitting on my dressing table before climbing under my sheets.

  My apartment is eerily quiet tonight.

  Chess is in Denver. We video-chatted a few hours after it was announced that he’d secured his party’s nomination for president. It’s a two-man race now and he’s the clear frontrunner. I’m excited for him. I told him so. Despite his quirks, he’s so passionate about politics and I fully support his stance on the big issues.

  My mind randomly goes to Liam. I wonder what he’s doing and if he’s okay. It feels like an eternity since I’ve spent time with him. I hate admitting it but I miss seeing him everyday, going jogging with him, falling asleep beside him.

  When I cut him off, I didn’t expect it to suck this bad. I didn’t think that it would be so hard to get over. Was settling for ‘just friends’ with him really so bad after all? Because being nothing to him feels like absolute garbage.

/>   I toss and turn under my sheets for a while before grabbing my Kindle and trying to read a legal thriller I bought a few days ago. When that fails to hold my attention, I flick on the television hoping for something entertaining. But really, all I want is to talk to him, to hear his voice, to feel his heat in the bed next to me.

  I’m about to do something stupid.

  I climb out of my bed and throw on some jeans and a chunky sweater. I grab my phone and my keys and my purse. I run out of my apartment and hail a cab on the sidewalk.