Shades of Blue

by Karen Kingsbury

  Because almost certainly they wouldn’t have this chance again.

  Twenty

  BRAD TRIED TO EAT HIS SALAD, but his appetite was gone. Telling Emma about his engagement was harder than he had imagined. But at least he knew this much — Emma wasn’t going to run away. She was giving him the weekend, which meant he could talk about the baby and make his apologies later. Tomorrow maybe.

  For now he wanted to find common ground, at least. He wanted her to know he cared about how she was now, who she’d become. Holding her hand — however briefly — had bridged the distance between them, but it had done nothing to dim the hurt. With everything in him he wanted to take her in his arms and soothe away the sadness for both of them. Now that he was with her, he could see that she wasn’t okay. The choices they’d made together had haunted her and changed her and left her broken. Whereas he had run from the past, allowing first his college days, then his relationship with Laura to cover up the damaged pieces of his soul … she had done nothing of the sort. At least that’s how it seemed.

  “So you’re a teacher.” He smiled, wanting their time together to be marked by more than sadness.

  “Yes.” She kept her sunglasses on, not letting him in. “First grade.”

  “That’s what I heard.” He poked his fork around in his salad. “I remember how good you were with my little cousin. You were always good with kids.”

  She looked at him for a long time, but she said nothing. He’d only been making polite conversation, searching for a connection point. Her reaction was strange, not what he expected. Was she thinking about … about what happened between them? He wasn’t ready to ask. In the silence that followed, she ate a few bites of her salad and he did the same. Was this how their time together would be? Marked by awkward moments and misunderstandings?

  He asked her about a few of the friends they had in common, including the buddy of his who now lived in Holden Beach. That part of the conversation lasted through dinner, and finally it was time to go. He thought about asking her to walk along the beach with him, but he sensed she was still processing the news of his engagement. Still wondering about his intentions. He didn’t have the energy to get into it now. He needed to get back to his parents’ house and talk to Laura. Before it got too late.

  He paid the bill and they walked out to the parking lot together. The feel of her beside him — even though they weren’t touching — was familiar and alluring. More than he wanted to admit. At her car, he slid his hands in the back pockets of his jeans and searched for the right words. “Thanks again. For being here.” He kept his distance intentionally. Earlier he’d wanted to hug her, to create a bridge from yesterday to the here and now. But here he wasn’t sure a hug would be good for either of them.

  She opened her car door and set her purse and sunglasses inside. For the first time since dinner he could see her eyes. They were marked with both hurt and uncertainty, and she seemed in a hurry to go. “So … what’s next?”

  “I can meet you here tomorrow. Your house or at the beach.”

  Emma looked out toward the beach for a moment. “No.” She narrowed her eyes, as if she were seeing something far-off. “Where Dolphin meets Ocean Boulevard. Through the houses, there’s a wall near the bluff.” She glanced at him. “I can meet you there.”

  “Okay.” He knew the place. His buddy had said she lived near the beach, but clearly she wasn’t giving him that information. Not now, anyway. “What time works for you?”

  “I have paperwork to finish up in the morning. How about three o’clock?”

  Brad hid his disappointment. He had hoped to spend the whole day with her, but then … there wasn’t really a reason why he needed so much time. He nodded, and again he resisted the impulse to hug her. “Three it is.” He didn’t hesitate. No sense making things awkward between them. They both said good-bye and climbed into their separate cars.

  A minute later Brad was back on the road, headed home to Wilmington. The sun was setting, casting orange and blue light over the roadway and taking him back — the way everything about Holden Beach did. Even this drive. He remembered the first time, when he and Emma had gone too far. The ride home was silent, awkward. Much like the conversation over dinner had been tonight.

  He rolled down the window and breathed in deep, the warm Carolina air filling his Jeep and his senses. What was Laura doing right now? Certainly she had talked to her dad, found out that he knew the truth. Walking into his office and talking to him had been one of the toughest things Brad had ever done. But there was no way around it. If he was going to take responsibility for his actions, he had to tell Randy James what he was doing.

  Brad thought about their conversation. He’d expected Laura’s father to be shocked and then angry — about the admission and the timing. All of it. Instead, he’d taken half a minute to walk to his office window and then back to the table where Brad sat. Then he’d said something Brad would never forget. “Everyone has a past, Son. Better that you deal with yours now than later.”

  How Laura’s father had handled the news was further proof that marrying Laura was the right thing. She shared his faith and his views on every topic that mattered. And her family loved him. So then why was he driving back to Wilmington with plans to meet Emma at the beach tomorrow? He would get to the heart of the matter quickly, and maybe … maybe he would head home early. Tomorrow night even. He needed Laura to know that he hadn’t changed his love for her.

  Even if being around Emma had breathed life into feelings he thought long dead.

  He dug around the passenger seat and found his cell phone. With a few clicks, he dialed Laura’s number, but the call went to her voicemail. “Hey, baby, it’s me. Just thinking about you. I’ll try you again later.”

  But later never came. Brad pulled into his driveway and found his mom in the kitchen. He helped her can twenty-four jars of strawberry jam. His mom didn’t really know why he was here, and she didn’t seem interested in knowing. The entire hour they spent together that night, she said only this about the wedding: “I like Laura a lot.”

  “Me too.” Brad grinned, keeping the tone between them easy. Laura had been back to North Carolina with him several times since they started dating. She and Brad’s mother always got along well.

  “Something I’ve learned about marriage.” She gave him a knowing look, nothing too serious, but a look only a mother could give.

  “What’s that?”

  “Once is enough.”

  He nodded slowly. “I agree.”

  “Just saying.” She smiled at him and returned to her canning. And that was that. Her way of telling him that whatever had brought him home, he needed to be sure before he stepped up to the altar and said, “I do.”

  When they were done canning, Brad found his father in the TV room filling out sweepstakes forms. Brad sat opposite him, on the worn brown corduroy footstool they’d had for years. “Hey, Dad.”

  “Son.”

  Brad laced his fingers together. “I found her.”

  His dad looked up. “I figured you would.”

  “We didn’t get into it. Not completely.” He furrowed his brow, trying to imagine how the next day would play out. “I’m meeting her at Holden Beach tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Finishing the chapter?” There it was. The only bit of concern his father had shown since he brought Emma up on the last visit. The question mark in his voice.

  “Yes.” With his dad, he felt no reason to be falsely certain. Not when his heart was still wavering over having spent an evening with Emma. He sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. “I think so, anyway.”

  “You know what they say.” His father lowered his pencil, the sweepstakes forgotten for the moment.

  “What’s that?”

  “If you can’t finish the chapter, then there must be more to the story.”

  More to the story. The thought terrified Brad. He wanted to have this time with Emma, tell her good-bye, and hurry home to his wedding. But wha
t if that wasn’t how the next few days played out? If he found feelings again for Emma, could he really return home to marry Laura? He felt sick at the idea, but he had to face the possibility.

  He patted his father’s hand. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He stood and smiled, more tired than he’d been in a long time. “I’m turning in.”

  “I’ll be praying for you, Son.” His dad meant the words.

  Brad leaned down and hugged him. “Thanks.”

  He thought about calling Laura again before he went to sleep, but his mind was whirling with too many conflicting images. Laura’s face, the way she beamed when she talked about her wedding dress, and the grief that had marked her expression when he told her the truth in Central Park earlier this week. Emma, as she’d walked out to her car from her classroom earlier today, and the way she’d kept her sunglasses on through dinner this evening.

  Could he spend the weekend with Emma, tell her he was sorry, and remember again the most painful time in his life without finding feelings for her? Please, God … give me the strength.Help me know if I should be here.

  Remember to leave the gift at the altar …

  The answer was similar to what he’d heard earlier. Before he fell asleep, he reached for his Bible and found the verse about the gift. It was from Matthew 5:23 – 24, and reading it brought chills to his arms. He let the words wash over him like a soothing balm to his soul. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

  That’s what this was about … it was why God had urged him to make this trip and why he had to see the visit with Emma through to completion. He was about to stand at an altar with the precious gift of Laura James. But he couldn’t make a commitment to her while Emma had something against him. And she did — he could tell by the look in her eyes. This trip would be about reconciling with Emma — the way he should’ve done years ago. Only then could he return to New York City, to the gift that awaited him there.

  To his place at the altar.

  Twenty-One

  LAURA SAT IN HER BEDROOM AND stared out the window at the expanse of grass that made up her front yard. Dusk was quietly giving way to night, and Laura planned to do little more than sit here and pray.

  Her friends had been great. Offers had come in from three of them that night. Nelly invited her to dinner, and Megan called to see if Laura wanted to hang out, watch TV or play cards. Bella Joy knew a fellow dancer who had just joined the Wicked cast at the Gershwin Theater in Times Square. She had two tickets for the Saturday eight o’clock show, and she asked Laura to go.

  “We can spend the day in the city, shop Fifth Avenue, and eat lunch at Tavern on the Green. We can even stop in at the Stardust Diner after the show. I know a guy who sings there,” Bella Joy told her. “It’ll be a blast.”

  Laura thanked her, but declined. She didn’t want dinner or conversation, and she couldn’t concentrate on a Broadway play this weekend. Not when she had no idea whether Brad was staying up late on a beach somewhere talking to Emma or whether he’d even found her yet. He’d left a message, but Laura hadn’t called him. She hated the thought of sounding jealous, of asking the wrong questions. It was easier not to call.

  Her parents were downstairs, and they’d been great about the whole thing. Her father, especially. Her mother had a harder time understanding why Brad needed to take care of his past now — right before the wedding. But both of them had given her the grace of having time to herself.

  She stood and slid her bedroom window open. All her life everything had gone the way it was supposed to. Other than the usual petty differences between friends, high school had flown by with the sort of charmed memories she would smile back on as long as she lived. She’d dated, of course. There were prom dates and the occasional nights out to the movies. But she hadn’t fallen in love. The guys in her class were friends, nothing more. College had been the same way.

  “What if I never find the right guy,” she’d asked her mother the summer after she graduated.

  “You will, honey.” Her mom’s confidence had been reassuring. “God has someone out there for you. He wants you to be ready. Be strong in your faith and yourself. That way you’ll recognize him when God brings him along.”

  Her mother’s advice turned out to be right on. Laura stayed close to God, and when she spotted Brad at her dad’s company picnic, she had the strangest feeling she’d seen him somewhere before. Like they’d known each other for years. Even so, she wouldn’t have made the first move. She didn’t chase guys — that had never been her style.

  But when he talked to her that day, she had a feeling, a knowing. Their quick dialogue turned into a full-blown conversation — since neither of them had anything planned for the day, they spent the next two hours walking around the party together and pulling off to themselves as if they were the only people there. By the end of the day, Laura was starry-eyed and giddy — even if she didn’t show that to Brad.

  A month later, after she and Brad shared conversations like that one every day, she told her parents about her feelings. “I think Brad’s the guy.”

  They couldn’t have been more thrilled. Laura’s dad had never had a young ad executive as promising as Brad Cutler. He shared her faith and sense of humor, and in no time he was part of the family. “God must’ve known about the two of you from the beginning of time,” her mom would tell her.

  Until a week ago Laura agreed, heart and soul.

  Brad seemed to share her faith. He cared about getting his MBA and climbing the ladder at her father’s firm, and he made her laugh every time they were together. Sure they talked about their pasts. Laura’s was simple and straightforward. Her heart had never been tangled up with love and loss, so Brad was her first everything.

  As for Brad, he admitted his relationship with Emma. “We were kids. We grew up together,” he told her. “Over time we grew apart.”

  Laura had studied him, watched the look in his eyes. Growing up with someone was a powerful draw. “Why didn’t it work?” She asked the question in different ways on a handful of occasions when the topic of his past came up.

  “We were different,” he told her. “We wound up with nothing in common.”

  The answer always felt honest and truthful, and it always satisfied Laura’s curiosity. Emma Landon was a part of his past. End of story. By the time Christmas rolled around that year, Laura and Brad were a serious item. On New Year’s Eve, he told her something she would never forget.

  “It’s not just the start of a new year,” he told her as they watched the snow fall outside her parents’ front porch. “It’s the start of a new life. Because I never want to live a day without you, Laura. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.”

  His words rang in her mind again now, but in light of the truth they seemed false, phony. She lifted her face to the breeze drifting through her screened window. He’d never loved anyone like her? That wasn’t true. In fact, he’d loved Emma with a sort of physical love Laura and Brad had never shared. Even if they’d grown apart, the truth was Brad had never loved anyone like he’d loved Emma Landon.

  Laura had to admit that now.

  She looked at the calendar on her wall. The end of May. In all her wildest dreams and imaginations about the weeks leading up to her wedding, she could never have imagined that she’d be in this situation now. No matter that they hadn’t called off the ceremony, their wedding was most likely not going to happen. Brad hadn’t come out and said he had doubts, but what else could explain the timing?

  She glanced at her cell phone on the bed and saw a text message from Amy. She clicked her phone on and read what it said. Laura … check out Psalm 119:81 … I read it today and thought about you.

  Her phone had an electronic application of the Bible, so she quickly clicked to that verse. I am worn out waiting for your rescue, but I have p
ut my hope in your word. Laura read it again and tried to believe that somehow God’s Word would rescue her. The promise soothed her hurting soul, even if she couldn’t imagine how it might apply to her. Was it really possible that God’s Word would be her rock? She hoped so, because she wouldn’t get through this otherwise. But right now His promises seemed written for someone else. She saved the verse to her bookmarked page, then she moved back to the text message and tapped out an answer to Amy. I read it. Thanks, friend.

  That’s all. She didn’t want a long conversation, not with Amy or anyone else. I want Brad, the way things used to be, God … how can any of this be happening?

  Remember, Daughter … the verses in Luke?

  Laura blinked the soft response away from her heart. She would delve into her Bible study notes later — especially the part about forgiving. The heartache she was feeling now had her a long way from forgiveness. She wasn’t even sure Brad was coming home after all. God’s divine rescue, that’s what she needed. Nothing short of a miracle.

  She was about to lay down, crawl under the sheets and cry the way she’d done on the nights leading up to this weekend. But before she could make a move, there was a knock at her door. “Come in.”

  Her mother entered the room slowly, tentatively. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” She smiled. Even now, when they knew the truth, Laura didn’t want to look or feel like the victim. That’s why no one but God had seen her cry these last few nights.

  “Can we talk for a few minutes?”

  “Sure.” Laura patted the spot on her bed next to her. “Come sit.”

  Her mom looked more tired than usual. Gone was the excited peppiness that had marked her countenance since Laura and Brad had announced their engagement. “You’ve been up here most of the night.”

  “Thinking.” Laura pulled one leg up onto the bed and angled herself so she could see her mom. “Not sure what happens next.”